Silence breaks my heart

It's so damn late, I came home from a late night mission with `Ro
and Scott expectin' t' see ya awake and ready to party. Instead I
found ya fast asleep, clutchin' t'e pillow in yer arms.

Ya looked so damn calmed, I didn't wanna wake ya .. so I didn't. I
lay next t' ya watchin' ya sleep, I smoothed yer silky auburn hair.
Sometimes I wake up only t' see ya sleep, some nights yer calm and
all I do is brush yer hair with my callous fingers, but some other
nights ya can't sleep.

T'e nightmares hunt ya at nights and all I can do t' help ya my
love, is hold ya tight while yer asleep. From time t' time, I can
see yer dreams or nightmares, tha' empathy o' yers is so helpful
sometimes, but when I get t' see t'e nightmares .. I damn all t`ose
people who hurt ya.

When I see wha' they did t' ya I wonder how come ya didn't became a
damn psycho, it was hard `nough t' be a mutant .. but t' be treated
as a whore?? It's just way beyond a ten year old comprehension, but
ya turn out just fine .. more than anyone couldda guessed.

Some tears r' runnin' through those smooth cheeks, I wipe `em away.
Wha' would ya be dreamin' on? I'm afraid is somethin' bad, as it
always is when ya cry.

Softly I scoop ya in my arms, kissin' yer hair and smeelin' t'e
cinnamon scent tha's so you. I drape an arm around yer slim waist,
yer head on my chest, yer face still buried on the pillow.

How I wish I can make everythin' alright ..

/*Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed*/

My nose takes on yer scent, I mumble some soothin' words through yer
hair as ya restless toss on my grip. Remy, just sleep and let me
take the demons away from yer head .. let me in and I'll chase `em
away.

"Logan .." a soft whisper and I know ya wan' me in `ere with ya, I
hug ya tight and I close my eyes, hopin' I'm brave `nough fer ya.

I can't see anythin', there's a dense fog coverin' every single inch
o' wha' I guess is a street and not a noise's heard. I suppose I'm
N'Awlins, Remy always talks `bout this bein' the only place where he
felt like home.

When he was banished, his heart broke in a thousand pieces and still
hasn't been completely healed. Why is he dreamin' o' this place? And
more important, why is t'is makin' him so upset?

I start walkin' and the fog disappears with each step I make, the
streets continue empty and I don't see Remy anywhere. I'm walkin' on
a long street, one of those old stone roads.

There's a two story Victorian house at the end o' the road, black
iron fences surround the impressive structure and I wonder if this
is the LeBeau Manor. Soon I have my answer, when I see a young boy
runnin' through the front garden.

His reddish auburn hair makes me suspect he's my lover, but when I
lock my gaze with his, I KNOW he is Remy. Those unique eyes, black
where's supposed to be white and red in the middle, I'm mesmerized
by `em like it was the first time I've lay eyes on him.

He smiles at me, tha' beautiful smile of his tha' would light up a
dark room, a tall well built man is right behind him. His strong
presence is `nough fo' me to guess he's Jean-Luc LeBeau, he places a
hand on his son's shoulder.

The kid turns around and hugs him, his arms wrapped tightly `round
the older man's waist. I can feel the love between `em, no words
needed.

Jean-Luc lifts him up and tells him somethin' in the ear, once he's
put him back on the ground, he signals a black woman t' take the
young boy. Tante Mattie, she hugs Remy and together they start
wavin' at the Master o' the house as he walks t' the gates.

Remy has a sweet smile on his lips, his hands on Mattie's arms,
which are `round his shoulders. The kid looks happier than I've ever
seen him, I'm surprised he could smile like tha', tough I always
suspected he once was happy.

Just as the head of the Thief Guild has stepped out o' the thick
iron gate, I flat scream is heard. Remy's face is crossed with pain,
he runs t' the gate where Jean- Luc is lying, an arrow on his chest.

Oh dear!! Somebody killed him! Remy's kneelin' down on the ground,
next t' his poppa and he can't stop the tears flowin' from his eyes,
nor he wants t'. I can feel his pain, sharp and deep.

Calm my darlin', nobody's gonna hurt ya no more. I walk t' where
he's kneelin' down and the kid's no longer a kid, he's my lover now.
Twenty somethin' old Gambit, my partner, my friend .. my darlin'.

"Remy" I whisper and he looks at me, then at his poppa "Non, non
him" he throws himself at the body of his father's. His strangled
sobs could be heard from miles away, and his pain could be felt all
over the air.

/*It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life*/
I wake up, yer still in my arms and yer cryin'. I can't wake ya up,
I'm afraid yer caught upon the nightmare, but wha' else can I do but
watch and hold ya through the night?

Soothin' him, brushin' his hair I spent the rest o' the night. I
know there's nothin' I can do and I don't intend t' understand his
pain, is different t' loose a loved one than loosin' one o' yer
parents.

And Remy never had a real family, at least not from blood. Jean-Luc
was the only thing that resembled as such, they were close .. no,
they ARE close.

This is just a nightmare, Remy's fears of loosin' his loved ones.
How come his own mind can play tricks on him in this way???

I would go nuts if I dreamed `bout Remy's death, even if it was just
a dream I wouldn't be able t' handle it. I love him t' pieces and
just lookin' at him bein' hurt, it makes my heart ache like never
befo'.

"Logan?" he stirs and whispers my name, he always does tha' when
he's havin' a bad dream. I believe I'm his rock "Just a dream, get
back t' sleep"

And he does, clutchin' the pillow a bit harder and nestin' yer head
on my chest, even if I can't make `em go away I can still help ya
fight yer demons .. at whatever cost.

/*So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over .. or has it just begun?*/

Yer dreams `r so vivid, once again I'm into `em. The scenario
differs from the last one though, this time we're on the field,
runnin' away from whoever is chasin' us this time.

No matter wha' yer doin', the laughter's always there with ya.
Sometime I wonder how can ya be so damn cheerful when we're on
missions, yer the only one who makes jokes tha' don't come from
nervousness, like Bobby's. Scott thinks is annoyin', I think is
sothin' and it helps loosen up.

Jean once told me ya hate people bein' nervous and jumpy, tha's why
ya do it, so they can do their jobs right.

Same ol' Remy, always worryin' wha' other people feels like, almost
ignorin' yer own pain and sufferin'.

The bad guys `r right after us, Scott sendin' the command over the
com badge and dodgin' flyin' objects tha' r' bein' thrown at us.
Storm's clearin' the sight from any obstacle, sendin' a light rain
throw the skies.

She thinks is funny gettin' wet every time we go out on a mission,
even if my body weights twice as much when I'm soakin' and ya hate
bein' cold.

Ever since the Antarctica, ya don't like Westchester winters. When
Bobby suggested t' have snowball war, ya flinched. He never did it
on purpose, though your poker face never let anyone find out just
how much ya hurt.

This is yer life now, savin' innocent people, recruitin' new
students, cookin' fer the entire mansion .. anythin' tha' makes ya
part of the family.
Anythin' tha' makes `em love ya, thinkin' tha' if ya don't, ya'll be
kicked out and left alone on the streets again. Why cant ya see tha'
we'll never do it?

Not a single person in this house we'll let ya down .. no more.
Rogue's paid her dues and Warren's realized he's not gettin'
anywhere with the shit he feeds ya, and Bobby's become a good
friend. Somethin' I've never thought possible.

Once ya told `Ro tha' bein' in the house suffocated ya, tha' ya
needed space t' breathe, t' be yerself. She suggested the boathouse
and ever since then, whenever ya wan' t' get away from the
pressures, ya run as fast as ya can from this mansion onto yer
safety net.

On yer dream, the road changes into trees and bushes. I can't see
the team anymore, all I see is ya ahead o' me, leadin' the way.
Somethin' rather unusual if we consider how afraid yer o' people
followin' ya and gettin' hurt.

The green path leads t' no other place than the boathouse, I can see
the dock from `ere. The one where ya like t' sit and look at the
stars, I look up and there they are, shinin' as bright as I can
remember and I can see the smile formin' on yer face as ya stop and
look at me.

"I t'ought I lost y' cher" yer lips r' tremblin' and I can smell the
fear in yer body.

"Never darlin'" I reach out and take yer hand, we walked t' the dock
and lay next to each other, looking at the stars.

This is home fer ya.

/*There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared*/

Lookin' at yer eyes I can see how much yer afraid, I don't know if
ya will ever overcome those fears, but I'll be always `ere for ya.

The dream changes and ya switch positions, leavin' the pillow by yer
side, now yer arms have slipped `round me and yer holdin' me
tightly.

Ya mumble somethin' "Don' wanna go .. too dark". And ya toss again,
yer back against my chest, I kiss yer hair once more tryin' t' kiss
away yer sorrows

"Open yer heart" I whisper in yer ear, I know is hard for ya t'
trust, but ya gotta do it .. trust me, then everythin' would be fine.

I try t' think on the happy times we've had, all the laughter and
jokes we've shared through time. It's all I can do t' help ya.

Cause even when I wanna save ya, I can't do it, it's gotta be ya.
Stand tall and fight `em, yer family will be `ere for ya, backin' ya
up, supportin' ya, waitin' fer ya.

When times are bad, yer family's all ya got. Friends and my love,
tha's wha' truly matter, the rest can fall down and we won't care.
Cause we're together.

For the rest o' eternity, lovin' each other with no regrets, no
holdin' back

But ya hafta be strong, gotta fight back, even if it hurts. Cause I
know it does, our demons r' strong, they know our weaknesses and
they use it against us. But yer stronger than `em, ya've proved it
before, ya can do it again.

/*It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world*/

A smile captures yer lips as ya snuggle by my side, yer arm draped
around my waist and yer leg hooked on my own. "amour" ya whisper
from my chest and I smile, I know ya have realized tha's not tha'
hard.

This world o' ours is somethin' tha' can be taken away from us, even
if they tried. We won't let `em, it's OURS and nobody else's.

Our sacred place, full o' love and carin', ready fo' ya t' go
whenever ya need it. I'm always gonna be there, lovin' ya.

/*Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension*/

The nightmare hunts ya again, just when I thought ya had defeated
it. I wish I can do somethin' mo', t' get ya out o' this livin' hell
yer been livin' all this years.

But I can't and is killin' me, watchin' toss and turn, leavin' my
strong embrace only t' end on the far side o' the bed, crutchin' yer
sides as if it'd be the only thing ya can do t' protect yerself.

I softly touch yer shoulder, t' let ya know tha' I'm `ere, tha' I'm
with ya .. always, no matter wha'. I'm afraid o' loosin' ya over yer
demons, tha' ya'll be too damn petrified tha' ya'll shut me down.

Softly ya come back t' me, while I cradle yer head on my arms. Tears
r' now runnin' freely thru yer pale face, yer scared o' bein' caught
upon this nightmare fo' the rest of yer life. But also I kow yer
gonna fight, cause yer not gonna let anyone take wha's precious for
ya .. our love.

What can I do for ya? But watch ya while ya struggle, loanin' my
strength so ya can fight against yer fears.

/*I – will be watching over you
I – am gonna help you see it through
I – will protect you in the night
I – am smiling next to you .. in Silent Lucidity*/

I remember when ya came t' the Mansion, an arrogant young man who
thought he didn't need anyone t' survive. And ya didn't, but ya let
us be yer friends, the family tha' was taken away from ya.

Even when some o' the people in `ere made yer life a livin' hell, ya
never gave `em the chance t' prove themselves right. Always fightin'
side by side with `em, never lettin' us down.

The Cajun became a constant in our lives, but deep inside I knew ya
were hurtin' so bad. When ya decided t' make Rogue the target o' yer
flirts, my heart ached, but I was glad somebody took the gloom from
yer face.
No matter how hard I tried, it hurt every single time I saw ya with
her. When the trial happened, I wasn't `ere and sometimes I cursed
myself fo' not bein'.

We thought we lost ya, some didn't care, some acted like they did.
And me, I cried all those nights ya were gone.

At yer return, there was a different Gambit. Same face, same charm,
same cockiness, but yer eyes hid a different true. They've hurt ya
and in yer heart ya knew ya couldn't trust I `em .. in us.

Even when we got together, which was a shock due t' yer luck in the
love department, ya would hold back t' me. The first time I kissed
ya was on a mission, we were tryin' t' raid one of FoH's
headquarters and ya kept foolin' `round, when I held ya by the
shoulder .. those eyes hypnotized me and I couldn't deny it anymore.
I loved ya and ya felt the same.

We barely finished the mission, Scott yellin' at us for bein' so
gawdamn stupid and slow, ya avoided me and I was so outta of my mind
tryin' t' figure out what I had done wrong.

It took only the persistence of Ororo and Jean, altogether with
Chuckie, t' realize what a pair of fools we were bein'. Ya
said `Sorry cher' and I said `No problem darlin'' we kissed for the
second time and this time, for good.

I know ya love me, ya know I love ya, then why tha' isn't `nough fo'
ya? Same ole Gambit keeps treatin' the rest o' the house as
strangers and ya'll be damned if anyone sees ya vulnerable.

Let `em know the real ya, they'll love ya like I do. And ya'll have
tha' family ya yearn so much.

/*If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn*/

All this ramblin' o' mine had kept me from lookin' after ya, again
yer holdin' the pillow like a lifesaver. Sometimes I do wonder how
much ya wan' t' get away from yer past, and others I just wanna hold
ya and let ya sleep in my arms.

Emotional baggage, tha's one term I've never liked. And yet, it
seems t' be the only thing we keep facin' day in, day out.

Me with my pseudo memories, painful and sad but still they were
there even when I tried to block them from ever surface. Once ya
told me tha' things bottled only cause mo' damage, they infest and
contaminate everything they touch. So I let go, it wasn't easy, but
with ya by my side it was a whole lot mo' than I thought.

Ya on the other hand, not knowin' where ya come from even with yer
foster family, it ate yer pretty lil' head. Always bein' the prey o'
a sadistic hunter, whether it was Fagan, Sinister or Creed, somebody
would always have fun chasin' him.

So, we're not the perfect couple, but who is? I mean look at Jeannie
and Scott, even their first attempt of marriage was a failure, then
clones and kids from the future, they'd learned to take things as
they come. Let the worries fo' later.

Tha's how it works, ya deal with the present leavin' the past behind
and not worryin' `bout yer future. It's not healthy and we've
learned tha'.

I know ya wanna control yer life and fuck the rest, but it takes
time darlin' and tha's somethin' we're lackin', though not fo' tha'
we're givin' up. No, cause o' tha', we're gonna fight harder.

Yer' dreams would never die, not as long as ya have me by yer side
and I got strength to fight both our demons.

Cause even when ya think ya know wha' yer doin', I'm not gonna let
ya sink in oblivion, not me nor any o' the mutants I call friends.

/*You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but ..*/

Mornin' comes and with tha' lots o' questions, some will remain
unanswered, but hopefully most will get their answer. I left the
curtains open in case I'd fallen asleep and didn't hear the alarm
clock.

Breakfast time is somethin' ya don' miss lately, ya find somethin'
amusin' in torturin' Bobby when hidin' his stack o' twinkies and
tormentin' Scott, threatenin' t' switch places with Jean on cookin'
duties.

Sometimes I wonder how ya do it, hide behind tha' façade and
succeedin' on carryin' it on. Definitely a master on concealin' yer
feelings, but now ya've learned t' share with the ones tha' care fo'
ya. Me included.

"Time t' get up darlin'" I kiss yer hair and ya stir a lil', not
really wakin' up. I take tha' as my cue tha' ya'll be gone fo' a
while mo'.

Then I jump off, carefully t' not wake ya up and get into the
bathroom.

As the warm water from the shower runs through my naked body, the
image of my sweet lover layin' in bed crawls in my head. I chuckle
as I can picture ya grabbin' both pillows and using `em as yer
cushions, yer body crossed over the bed, long lean legs stretchin'
as ya take over the place I'd been sleepin' all night.

Ya always kick me while asleepin', always.

Tha's when I realize I love ya mo' than life itself and I'll always
be there fo' ya, no matter wha' fate brings fo' us.

/*I – will be watching over you
I – am gonna help you see it through
I – will protect you in the night
I – am smiling next to you .. */

"Mornin' cher" yer sweet smile from the door tells me yer nightmare
is long gone, today is just another day with us tryin' t' make this
work. I smile and motion ya t' get in.

In the night, tha' when I'll see the true Remy. Afraid o' gettin'
hurt, but hopefully ya'll let me in and I'll help ya .. in the
shadows as usual.
 

~~ Nikki waiting for feedback with a sad puppy look (hopefully
she'll get at least ONE, right May?????)