GRAFFITI TOUR

 

Never Tell A Goullawk Queen That She’s NOT An Inter-Galactic Babe!

 

The Time: Several Months ago The Place: Pontifical Studios

 

“Out and stay out!” bellowed a Senior Pro, as he evicted a certain alien for the third time that day from the auditions for the role of Inter-Galactic Babe in their tragic-comedic spin-off Star Grope Titanic. Another Senior pro screamed, “and we don’t need a cute alien side-kick either!” A third one chimed in, “and claims that you’ve given private acting lessons in Cosmic Queenliness to Dame Ian McKellen doesn’t impress us either!”

 

Scribal Note: Goldie NOT ME! sometimes gets confused as to which reality she’s visiting and apparently believes that either McKellen, Gandalf, or Magneto, may be Goual’d?

 

Goldie having left her skateboard elsewhere, rather than trundling off swiftly, flumped slowly and despondently away from the offices, heading for the craft table, but it was too early for lunch, and no sashimi or smoked trout or other delicacies fit for sliding down a queenly throat, had been delivered and unpacked yet. Then it begun to rain in great wintry gray heavy drops that caught in her nostrils and made her sneeze. She sadly splashed her way through puddles until she knocked over an object abandoned by painters. It was a spray paint can.

 

Goldie looked at it, picked it up in her fang-claws and shook it. She glanced around her at the blank gray concrete walls looming over her and a strange light glowed in her eyes. She flounced off in search of her skate board and was briefly spotted rolling along a major traffic artery, and later frightening a shop assistant at a major chain of book stores, who was not accustomed to having small dragonoids front up to the terminal and ask to buy books on graffiti art and murals. It’s not just an every day occurrence getting accosted by a Goullawk holding a platinum credit card and a shopping list in its mouth!

 

Scribal Note: I do not have a platinum credit card. If anyone is missing one, my apologies! These two like to “borrow” things! Credit cards not valid for this universe or century, TARDIS spare parts, and what have you two got now? Gandalf’s slipper’s and who’s missing a Hawaiian shirt? No take them back right now! You can not flog them on E-bay to buy me a new lap-top even if you were going to steal them back and return them! Why cant you two “borrow” a replicator that works in this reality?!

 

If anyone is wondering how I expect them to believe a small dragonoid, whose four fang-claws or “fingers” are on the end of her muzzle, can operate a spray paint can, well the two bottom “fingers” held the can and the top two … suffice it to say she figured it out.

 

Another, if rare, bright sunny early spring morning at Pontifical Studios. Everything looks “normal”, except, or including, given which studio this is, here and there, on the buildings, and in the corridors, are shiny patterns at the bases of walls like giant snail trails of metallic gloss paint. They average about a foot to a yard and a bit maximum off the ground if as made by some one whose maximum or neck length at full extension …was less than the average human?

 

There are slogans and sentences and pictures and statements like:

 

“Neith was right!” “The Titanic sunk!” “JonaHexed! Misunderstood Hero!” “Dachsies Rule!” “Kiss me! I’m a Queen!” “Tallow sucks Tretonin” “If you’re a Recycled Deity does that mean you’re a Trashed God?” “For A Good Time Ring the Malibu Silver Canid on weekends if there’s a Full Moon!” “Dan Shea Equals Darn Sexy Shoulders! Wear that singlet more often!” “Misplaced Mistress of the Cosmos seeks New Acolyte! Contact Oma Today for an Ascension to Remember!” “You were warned!” “Junior Pros: Evil Fan Boys with Too Many Toys or Just a Strange Alien Clone Group Mind?” “Season Seven should it be shipped to the Twilight Zone?” “Goullawks A Girl’s Best Friend” “Terev and Beroos say Wraifs are awesome whatever!” “AT shouldn’t that have been a Canadian flag?” “The Plague explained: RDA = Really Dense Ancient?”

 

Echoing along the corridors and passageways were also the sounds of producers screaming “Get Security!” “I want the head(s) of the Paint crew!” “Release the Wraifs from their holding pen on the Titanic set and sool them onto the Goullawk!”

 

Unfortunately most of the Wraifs were still sleeping off weekend hangovers from hanging out in Goth bars pretending to be really cool scary vampires except for Terev and Beroos. They had been forcibly brought home just before dawn by an irate Romanian immigrant taxi driver, who muttered something that sounded like “accursed wannabes”, and curiously had a taxi-cab with UV proof blinds on all the windows. No his name was not Tepes! Apparently they managed to find a REAL vampire club and offended the occupants.

 

Scribal Notes about our new characters Terev and Beroos. The spelling is phonetic. Don’t stress the first e. Aussie and Kiwi fans feel free to tease Americans. Terev is the small skinny whiny too clever for his own good one. Beroos is the big clumsy lumbering one. Other Wraiffs detest them!

 

“Like hey Terev and Beroos here man eh? Like we can be scary eh? You want us to track this like Goullawky Queenie who’s like surfin’ on a skateboard somewhere around here. Like woo skatergrrrl alien queens! Awesome! Why are you glaring at us? AW man do so not say NO chocolato! We live for chocolate and getting’ paid with cool black Goth clothing instead of this gray stuff! Be cool? Whatever Okay!” Exit Terev and Beroos to shuffle around the buildings making boo noises while listening to Outkast CDs on iPods.

 

The Wraifs. Perhaps not a fully effective threat?

 

Some hours later by following the trail of discarded paint cans Terev and Beroos had the Goullawks finally cornered behind one of the buildings. It had taken several hours cos Terev and Beroos put circling back to the craft table for refills of hot chocolate. One of the paint crews had left a scaffolding near a wall while at lunch and Goldie had clambered up onto it and was finishing a series of giant murals depicting various infamous histrionic events. They included the liberation of AT from the Black Widow Curse by a chorus of older fans screaming “Remember the Rule of Three!” There was also the Recycling of Spaniel with a crowd of shippers and slashers praying to their idol to return. Someone had added a note to that one referring to a verse of the Decalogue. Strange how many fans have trouble remembering the Commandment about Idolatry?

 

Another picture showed the irate scribe Neith attended by the Nine Muses and the Furies and a horde of the sort of fans who like science fiction and science and READ books and know the difference between on archaeology and archaeogenetics chasing the Junior Pros and throwing reference books at them!

 

“So you think you’re an artist little Goullawk?” hissed a Junior Pro who incidentally was standing on a piece of charred black cloth. (Yes gentle readers as usual one fragment of Dark Caper survived previous exorcisms!) Had anyone been watching his feet instead of watching the gathered pros shuddering at Goldie’s art work they might have noticed the fragment shimmer and grow larger. Terev and Beroos were standing behind Goldie and enjoying the wave of fear and anxiety coming off the Pros.

 

The piece of black cloth grew larger and touched another Pro’s foot. This one snapped, “Hey guys I know the ideal punishment! Erase the art work! Take the Goullawk to the Cleaning Supplies Room!” A Wailing and AAArgling Queen was lifted up and conveyed to get a scrubbing brush and paint solvent.

 

Terev whispered slyly to Beroos, “Awesome thought! Dude. They found that mural scary! Like we feed on fear? Like what if we sneak out after dark and redo that mural?”

Beroos smiled. This was an expression that moved with the speed of thought, Beroos’s speed of thought, slowly across his face like a cloud in a winter sky. Beroos replied a moment or two later, “Glacially Cool! Dude!”

 

Some more time later. The traditional fannish studio romp.

 

A Pro is pontificating. “…and we’ll just take a short cut around the back of this building before we visit the Titanic set and meet … AAARGH!!!” Terev and Beroos who were lurking in wait smiled as they enjoyed the fear and terror as a Pro, who was wearing a bit of black satin around one wrist, after that one brief scream, was actually stunned into silence, despite having a fannish audience available, by the sight of the restored art work, gleaming in the morning sun. Possibly he was also stunned because he had personally overseen several various removals of the same art work and other graffiti throughout the studio. Possibly other folk acquired spray paint cans and added their own contributions to the walls? Such as “Vietorius I’m still waiting?” next to an image of an irate axe-wielding blonde Amazon.

 

The Pro turned an interesting shade of pale, turned the tour group over to the PR guy and was seen stalking towards the craft table. A very short time later a brief high pitched squeal was heard and said Pro was seen carrying a sack full of something that squirmed onto a certain set. Unfortunately for Goldie Sassy and JonaHexed were elsewhere.

Young JonaHexed was auditioning for HeXed Men Three and rumor has it Sassy was off having afternoon tea in someone’s trailer commiserating with them after Vietorius had managed to sneak out of his office before they could perform their daily ritual with him. The one that consists of chasing him around the office with a rolled up script.

 

Later that day on the Titanic set. A certain Junior Pro, who is now wearing a black neck scarf, is smiling and gloating. Every now and then he glances at the backdrop for the scene being filmed. It is a glass wall showing an undersea view of waving fronds of giant kelp. Floating motionless half hidden amongst them is something that looks like a sea horse.

 

Why is this man smiling? Because the giant sea horse is a rubber suit concealing Goldie the Goullawk Queen and the super glue sealed suit is tethered by a metal chain and rope, hidden by the kelp fronds, to the bottom of the glass tank, and it’s NOT oxygenated water in that tank!

 

Even Goullawks need to breathe occasionally!

 

Help readers! How can we save Goldie?

 

Who read the Junior Memorial Story? You didn’t? Go back and read it quickly!

 

All together readers chant the magic words!

 

We love Goullawk Queens! Satire is a valid expression of fan criticism!

Save the Goullawk! We love Goldie! Attitude is Good!

 

SAVE THE GOULLAWK !!!

 

LOUDER !!!

 

SAVE THE GOULLAWK PLEASE!!!

 

With appropriate dramatic suddenness Sassy and JonaHexed appear on set and ask in concerned unison, “Has anyone see Goldie?”

 

Someone who hasn’t been working there long cries, “Hey that dog is talking!”

Another person exclaims, “The rumors about reality crossovers are true wow!”

“Quiet on the set please!” barks Sassy, “I thought I heard a muffled aaargle!”

“Hey you don’t give the orders here! I’m the Producer!” Protests the Junior Pro!

“You’re A producer!” snapped a Senior Pro, possibly one with silver hair, just entering the set, “Quiet on the set for the Dachshund please!”

 

Sassy tilted her head, flipped back her long silky ears, and concentrated. 

“JonaHexed I can hear a muffled faint desperate argyle coming from inside that glass tank. It’s stopped. Have you got that tricorder we “borrowed” from Paramuckup studios?”

 

“Yes!” replied JonaHexed manfully and keenly and eagerly, “ and it shows one Goullawk life signal fading inside that tank over there!”

 

“That tank is full of water and it looks stale! Quick JonaHexed get her out of there!”

 

Everyone who loves a Lil’ Goullawk Queen holds their breath as JonaHexed franticly seeks for a ladder, climbs up it and dives into the tank. He surfaces and shouts,

“Drain the tank she’s inside an air- tight rubber prosthetic and its chained and roped to the floor of the tank. Or get me an air line and a knife!”

 

Fortunately something better arrives! Ascended Junior! A big cheer for the little guy!

 

Spinning at super speed in midair, he turns himself into a drilling device and pierces thru the glass cutting an exit hole. Water surges out across the followed by JonaHexed, yelling, “Quick a full medical kit! Someone prep me for surgery!”

 

JonaHexed outfit transforms into full surgical greens as someone passes a large knife and a saw and surgery commences. JonaHexed cuts through the rubber suit and removes a limp Goullawk. He places a stethoscope to her chest. “There’s no heart beat! Oxygen mask, cling wrap, (to cover the gaps between the mask and Goldie’s muzzle) and masking tape! While you’re getting them I’ll clear her airways and start CPR! ”

 

And now for a serious message!

 

Remember Folks the DR. ABC. Acronym!

Danger to Yourself, Bystanders, and the patient.

Response: Is the patient conscious?

Airways: Are they clear or blocked?

Breathing: Is the patient breathing?

Circulation: Do they have a pulse? Do they need CPR!?

 

Silence pervades the set as JonaHexed clears Goldie’s throat and then uses one hand to press gently but firmly on her rib cage and the other to cover any gaps as he breathes into her muzzle. Fortunately Goullawk inhale from air holes on the top of their muzzles just above the base of the fang claws and can both inhale and exhale via gill slits just below their ear fins, which also protect the gill slits when out of water!

 

Time passes. Out of breath JonaHexed stops and sobs, “There’s still no heart beat!”

 

Gentle Readers is this the end for our heroine?

 

Sassy makes a suggestion. “Everyone start singing! We love you Goldie!”

Most of those present along with our audience of faithful few readers join in:

 

“WE LOVE YOU GOLDIE!!!”

 

More silence. Sassy whimpers in fear. Sensitive souls cry.

Then a faint barely audible hurgle can be heard.

Hack hick hurgle! … Hack Hurgle Cough!   HURGLE! ARGLE! COUGH!

 

“OH look her eyelashes are moving! Her fins are quivering! She’s alive!”

 

A certain Junior Pro mutters under his breath. Something stronger than drat!

A senior Pro glares at him and walks over spotting the black neck scarf.

Security is called. A certain Junior Pro is dragged off set to detox!

 

Meanwhile Goldie is lovingly handled and massaged and stroked and lifted onto a table.

 

“Oh what soft skin she has!” coos a new actress.

“It’s the purple stuff! It’s good for your skin. I mix it into my special formula!” replies a certain makeup queen. “It’s one of your fringe benefits!”

 

Goldie is surrounded by a sisterly crowd of supportive new fans. Sassy however is glaring at the senior pros! She makes a statement. “There was something important I was going to warn you about but now I’m going to let you find out the hard way!” In another building a Junior Pro is screaming as the fragment of Dark Caper is forcibly and not the least gently removed from his neck. “D*** you Sassy! I’ll get you yet! Will nothing silence your scribe!!!”

 

A Final Scribal Note:

 

Actually Pros if you’re reading, which I doubt, I could be bribed to silence but the price is probably far too high for you all to pay. Gentle readers I doubt the Pros read this stuff and despite Sassy’s insistence this all happened, well yes I think it did, but obviously NOT in our timeline! Why If this happened in our world why by now I’d have producers pounding on my door, or franticly emailing me, offering me anything to get Sassy and Goldie out of their studio!

 

Sassy and Goldie insist a certain Junior Pro was seen scrubbing graffiti and murals off the walls. Over and over again since Terev and Beroos kept going out and respraying each section as he removed it! Oh the Fear and the MacFeast for Terev and Beroos!

 

As for the important warning Sassy was going to give, well you’ll find out what that was about when Return of the Repotoys is finished.