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EuroEnglish
The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community (EU) - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted 5-year phase-in of new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows: In year 1, the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replased by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse "fotograf'by 20%. In the 3rd year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them. By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
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Executive Ignorance
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof: Knowledge is Power. Time is Money. And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done. What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
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Fifteen Things NOT to Say When You Are Pulled Over
15. No, YOU assume the position. 14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! 13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? 12. No, offi, offic, lucifer ... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog. 11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph. 10. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece. 9. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1 8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! 7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's 6. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo! 5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? 3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. 2. So thats what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means 1. What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway? |
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Funny Headlines
2 Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to Do Better Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Bible Church's Focus Is the Bible Biting Nails Can Be Sign of Tenseness in a Person Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation Deer Kill 17,000 Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Drunken Drivers Paid $1,000 in '84 Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax Eye Drops Off Shelf Farmer Bill Dies in House Fish Lurk in Streams Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out in the Cold Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors House Passes Gas Tax onto Senate How We Feel About Ourselves Is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Lack of Brains Hinders Research Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Malls Try to Attract Shoppers Man if Fatally Slain Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder Miners Refuse to Work after Death Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be belted Smokers Are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Stolen Painting Found by Tree Stud Tires Out Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Tomatoes Come in Big, Little, Medium Sizes Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead War Dims Hope for Peace
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Getting Married is Like Going to a Restaurant With Friends
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man. "Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Young Son "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad "That happens in every country, son." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine." A woman was telling her friend, "It was I who made my husband millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. --- Sacha Guitry I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seem longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Words to live by, Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. First guy (proudly) "My wife's an angel!" Second guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
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If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord
Artist UnknownOriginally posted by Doreen Gunkel of Meridies via Shane (Lord Alastair Aylward Squire)
via the Trimaris listserv
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?"
My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "Nope" and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a
quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the
final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary.
If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to
overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum
-- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it
by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive
to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident:
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy";
I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my
plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before its implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration,
will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my
organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to
any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette,
or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown.
If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable,
I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero
is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist
to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret
his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you,
there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
|
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Insect Assault
Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rank. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
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A Mathematician's Progress
A Mathematician's Progress Words: Professor ? Hurwitz Music: "When I Was a Lad" by Gilbert and Sullivan When I was a kid and went to school, arithmetic was taught by rote and rule; I did long division and I learned cube root; at the rule of three I was especially astute. I was so astute at the rule of three that now I am the holder of a Ph.D. (He was so astute at the rule of three that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) In high school geometry I made such a mark; the teachers called me a regular shark. I memorized theorems through and through; originals I never was required to do. Originals so useless seemed to me that now I am the holder of a Ph.D. (Originals so useless seemed to him that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) In college later I played my part; I majored in math from the very start. It didn't matter if I learned the stuff; I only had to manage a successful bluff. I managed to bluff so successfully that now I am the holder of a Ph.D. (He managed to bluff so successfully that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) The faculty thought that I was such a jerk, I was obviously destined for graduate work. They gave me a job to earn some pelf, by teaching younger morons like myself. I taught those morons with such esprit that now I am the holder of Ph.D. (He taught those morons with such esprit that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) Oh they had a silly rule that a thesis was required, so I found a kind professor whose assistance I desired; he said "Do this", and he said "Do that", and he had my these finished up in two months flat. It was not a brilliant thesis, but it didn't have to be, so now I am the holder of a Ph.D. (It was not a brilliant thesis, but it didn't have to be, so now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) I still had to pass the oral exam; my only preparation was to cram, cram, cram; the profs all said I made a very bad show, but I knew as much at present as I ever would know. So to get me off their hands they gave me a degree, and now I am the holder of a Ph.D. (So to get them off their hands they gave him a degree, and now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) Now students all, both far and near, if you are thinking of an academic math career, if you don't want to teach in a secondary school, be careful to be guided by this golden rule. Never, never try to show originality, and you all may be holders of a Ph.D. (Never, never try to show originality, and you all may be holders of a Ph.D.!)
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Monkey Business
|
Bob decided to buy a pet.
He went to a pet store. The pet store had three monkeys for sale. Bob: "How much for these monkeys?" Owner: "$20,000 for this one." Bob: "Wow, why so expensive?" Owner: "This one is a web developer. That one costs $30,000, he is a programmer. The other one, over there, costs $40,000." Bob: "What does the $40,000 monkey do?" Owner: "To be honest, I haven't seem him to do anything, he says he is a consultant." |
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Near-Death Experience
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures she's got another 30 or 40 years, so she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by a speeding ambulance. She arrives in front of God again andasks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies: "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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The Nun and the Blind Man
A nun was taking a bath when there was a knock on the bathroom door. The voice said,"It's the blind man. Can I come in?" The nun thought for a few minutes and replied,"Come in." The man came into the bathrom and said,"Nice tits. Now where do you want the blinds?"
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The Photographer and the Ghost
An intrepid photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years. Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark until midnight when the apparition became visible. The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot. The happy photographer popped a bulb into his camera and took the picture. After dashing into his studio, the photographer developed the negative and groaned. It was under-exposed and completely blank. The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.
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Ponderables
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines - Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese - I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week - I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met - I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol - I intend to live forever - so far, so good - I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! - Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! - Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States - Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of - Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have - Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. - The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. - When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm - If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. - Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... - 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. - When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. - Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? - Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. - I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. - I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. - I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. - Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. - How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? - Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. - Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? - Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! - For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - OK, so what's the speed of dark? - Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! - Black holes are where God divided by zero. - All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. - I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. - Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? - Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? - Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? - How do I set my laser printer on stun? - How is it possible to have a civil war? - If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? - If God dropped acid, would he see people? - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? - If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? - If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? - If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? - If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? - If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - Is a castrated pig disgruntled? - Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? - Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? - Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? - What happens when none of your bees wax? - Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? - If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? - Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? - If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? |
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The Price of Woman
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said, "I was going to give you a companion and it would be a woman." God continues: "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God, " What would a woman like this cost me??" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib???" And now you know...the rest of the story.
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A Simple Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I cannot accept; and wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off! Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow. Amen. Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the weaponry to make the difference. Amen.
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Two Old Swagmen
by Kevin L.Taylor
Donavyn de Raine, Minister of the Page's Guild
Barony of Darkwater, Kingdom of Trimaris
Two old swagmen were arguing about who had the better dog. "Well," said one, "My dog is the best. He wakes up every morning at sun rise, collects some firewood, picks up my billy, goes to the creek, fills the billy, comes back, lights a fire, makes me some tea and boils me an egg." "That's nothing", says the other, "My dog gets up at sunrise, collects some firewood, starts the fire, picks up my billy, goes to the creek, fills the billy, comes back, makes me a cup of tea, boils me an egg and then he stands on his head." The other swagman starts pissing himself laughing, "Stands on his head? Why on earth does he stand on his head?" "Because I don't have an egg cup."
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Unfinished Symphony
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows: MEMORANDUM 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now. National Healthcare: medicine with postal efficiency & IRS compassion
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Last Updated: 28 Aug.1998 by Alan J. Boertjens
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