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I learned many lessons from this most recent experience with love. At first, I learned the wrong ones. I told myself, as I had every other time my heart was broken, that I would never let myself feel such pain again, that I would avoid it by keeping my heart to myself. I would never again trust so completely, never again let myself be carried away with happiness, never again love so deeply that I could be left vulnerable to that burning ache of grief in my heart. Then I pushed those lessons away, and started over with new ones.
I learned that hope, tempered by reality, could free me from my all-consuming sense of loss and let me get on with the day-to-day experience of life. And I found I had a choice to make. My goal, my heart's wish, was clear: to share again a love with him, to feel again the sweet tingle of knowing that the one I loved held the same feelings for me. But what to do? Should I boldly declare, at every opportunity, that I loved him, and always would, and then wait, hoping/pleading/praying that some day his heart would turn my way again? I admit that at first I considered this course. But the sinking feeling of shame in my gut told me that would be wrong. I would gain nothing from the experience if I reduced myself to a beggar, hanging on every morsel of affection he threw my way. And to gain nothing, no growth as a person, was a dishonor to the love we had shared that I couldn't stomach.
When I realized this fact is when I really began to learn from the situation. I learned to appreciate the simple joys and playfulness of our friendship that was now unfettered by the weight of our expectations for the future. I learned to appreciate exactly who I was without him, and in doing so, I think, became more of the person I wanted to be. I learned to resist the controlling, possessive feelings that before had brought such tension to our relationship. I learned not to take anything for granted. Don't get me wrong--I am not the clingy, desperate woman I first felt like right after the initial shock. But I have a profound appreciation for all the simple little details of our relationship. I fully understand and accept that the future is unknown, so I take as much joy as I possibly can from every moment we share. I pay attention to the myriad tiny details about him that make my heart swell more and more with fondness. I store away precious memories, and I smile.
Whatever the future may hold for us, this is a magical time, when we move at our own pace, and enjoy each other without any burden of anxiety over our future together, with no chains of overwhelming commitment to weigh down our hearts. We simply have fun and enjoy each other's company. My dreams for the future have not changed. Of course I still want marriage, a family, a long life together--some day. But for now, I have learned perhaps my most important lesson:
That the pathway to happiness lies not in racing up the stairs to seize the prize at the top, but rather in merely realizing and letting yourself feel the very real joy that is to be found on every step you climb along the way.
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