The HMO FAQ

Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 12:02:09 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Re: Healthcare FAQ

I just had to add my 2 cents worth which isn't woth 2 cents these days anyway!

>Frequently Asked Questions About Managed Health Care
>
>Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. HMO stands for "Homogenized Medical Office" sometimes known as the local
golf course which is where all the doctors are when you most need them!

>Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. You must have pre-certification AND in triplicate AND signed by any of 3
people who are never in their office or at home any time of the day or night.

>Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
>   doctor I want?
A. Pick a doctor the scientific way: write all the names on slips of paper,
put the slips into a bowl and call whichever doctor whose name is on the
slip you pull out.

>Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. Could this actually be pre-existance conditions?  Well,if you don't
exist in this time frame, why do you even need treatment?

>Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Only if you use Pittsburgh Paints (We cover the world).

>Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. I just happen to know the very finest spiritual healer guaranteed to
remove all your money and leave you with all the medical problems you had
before you met him!

>Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
>   brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
>   What should I do?
A. Use Mylanta.

>Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
>   cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient
>   surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You could TRY getting your money from the doctor (equivalent to getting
blood from a rock); on the other hand, you could take anything that isn't
nailed down that belongs to the doctor!  If the doctor wants it back, he
can hand over either your check or the one from the insurer.

>Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try not to.

>Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. G-O-O-D L-U-C-K!!

>Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
>   handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
>   heart transplant right in his office?
A. Just as long as your GP doesn't look or dress like an Aztec priest!

>Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to find more things to charge you for!

>Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. Do you think you'll live that long?

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