The Singing Lemon FAQ

These are the most frequently asked questions that I get asked about singing lemons almost on a daily basis:

• Q. My sister recently gave birth to a singing lemon, is this normal?
  A. No, your sister really ought to be giving birth to babies if anything.

• Q. I think I may be a singing lemon, how can I tell?
  A. There is no way of telling. One of the symptoms of being a singing lemon is that there is no way to determine if you are a singing lemon or not.

• Q. I am not sure what a singing lemon is, in fact I don't even believe that they exist, what is wrong with me?
  A. You are suffering from a severe delusional illness, one which makes you deny some of the basic facts of reality. Try chanting the following phrase continuously at all times of the day: "I love singing lemons, they make me happy."

• Q. I like to pluck my nostril hairs with garden shears, what has this got to do with singing lemons?
  A. It has everything to do with singing lemons, in fact it IS singing lemons, in every sense except the true one.

• Q. What is the capital of Sweden?
  A. Oslo.

• Q. Where can I usually find singing lemons?
  A. What?!! Are you blind?!! They are everywhere!!! What sort of stupid question was that?!! They are all over the place!!!

• Q. I want to dedicate my life to the singing lemon cause. Where can I start?
  A. Now, that's a better question. Begin by mooing like a cow for a while. Go on, go "moooo". You will feel much better.