a cynic's guide to modern life
Six Things that are Pissing me Off
1200
Words of Random Anger
1. Musical Cell Phone Ringers
Cell
phones are bad enough. Talk about your utterly pointless status symbols, this one
tops them all. But I am
resigned to the fact that they are here to stay.
But I’ll be in the fiery black depths of hell before I ever
accept somebody’s cell phone ringing Beethoven’s Fifth, or any other
tune, for that matter. It’s
bad enough trying to navigate supermarket aisles, because people are
standing right in the middle with their phone glued to their ear, phoning
home to find out what kind of ice cream Billy wants.
But nothing fries me more than looking for a loaf of bread, and
hearing Genie in a Bottle beeping away with the aural equivalency of being
stabbed to death with a spoon. Jumping
Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! The
only thing more annoying than that is to hear the lame excuse for this
noise pollution: “My unique
ring let’s me know that it’s my phone ringing!”
Well, thank you for enlightening me!
Now I know why our caveman ancestors used to let some of their
tribespeople walk into tar pits. It’s called cleaning the gene pool. How on earth can you not tell that the phone that you are
carrying on your person is ringing? It’s
making noise and it’s vibrating at the same time!
Why not just buy a phone that instead of ringing announces loudly:
“Attention asshole!! The
call’s for you!” But fear
not. I have a three-step solution to this problem.
The next time some guy is fumbling to answer his phone while it
cheerily beeps the Spice Girls:
1.
Approach them politely.
2.
Punch them
in the throat.
3.
If they are
still making any noise, kick them in the ribs.
If
everyone does this, this abomination will go away pretty quickly.
2. T-Shirts
Specifically
t-shirts with things like “princess” and “angel” and “cutie”
and “pimp daddy” and “porn star” and “sexy” and things of that
ilk written on them. Interesting, because the majority of these people aren’t
even close to the mark. Hey
sister, last time I checked, not too many princesses are standing in line
at Wal-Mart. And son, no
sixteen-year-old teenage boy in the history of mankind has ever been a
killer with the ladies. So
what I propose to do is once a year, make all these people wear t-shirts
that reflect the truth:
“Dumbass.”
“Dunce.”
“Mediocre.”
“Just
Another Sack of Carbon.”
“I
Can’t Think for Myself.”
“99.99%
of the Opposite Sex Wouldn’t Fuck Me on a Bet.”
“Lame
Motherfucker Trying to Act Like Another Ethnic Group.”
“Nobody
Special.”
“Actin’
Tough… and Not Succeeding.”
“No Excuses… I Just Suck.”
3. Soccer Moms
If you’re looking
for the most obnoxious creature floating around in modern society today,
you needn’t look much further than the SUV-driving, credit card-swiping,
suburban soccer mom. Where do
I begin? Is it the self-serving narcissistic behaviour that ties up
lines in supermarkets and banks because she is the center of the universe
and as long as she gets what she wants, who gives a shit if twenty other
people are put out? Is it
driving around an obscenely inefficient vehicle to pick up groceries
because she wants the world to know she can go $40,000 in debt?
Is it the fact that she micromanages her children to the point that
they have virtually no free time, and yet falls short when it comes to
teaching her children discipline, self-control and manners, because after
all, they’re beautiful and unique and they can do and have whatever they
want because they’re expressing themselves?
But when her whiny, bratty children become whiny, rude adults,
well, it’s not her fault is it? It’s
those Hollywood movies and that rap music that I let my children listen to
because I have no time to actually parent my children.
I think what
bothers me the most about your typical suburban soccer mom, besides the
fact she tries to look and dress like a teenager and ends up looking
ridiculous, is that she is so bored and unfulfilled that she uses her
children as competitors with the other parents’ children in the
neighbourhood. She doesn’t
push them into activities because it might help them in any way, it’s
because the other parents in the neighbourhood will think she’s a bad
parent if her child isn’t spending every waking moment involved in some
activity. It’s pathetic.
4. Pimp Daddies
You
know who I’m talking about. Lame
little suburban white teenage boys dressing like their favourite rap
stars, tooling around in a souped-up Honda Civic, using words like
“dog” and “bro” to describe each other and thinking their the
biggest studs on the planet because they’ve managed to get a couple of
fingers into their equally lame girlfriends.
Good job. When are
these dumbasses going to realize that life isn’t a music video?
What are they thinking when they drive down your street at 3 in the
morning with their “system pumpin’”?
Gee, this music is so extreme and awesome, that if I were a
nubile hot young teenage girl, I’d tear off my clothes, jump into their
car and demand they pull down their pants so I could suck their underused,
hairless wiener right now! Well, this is what I think:
YO,
DOG! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
TURN DOWN 50 CENT OR WHATEVER CRAP IS THE FLAVOUR OF THE MONTH, AND
DRIVE THAT HUNK OF SHIT WITH THE RACING STRIPES STRAIGHT TO REALITY
AVENUE. YOU ARE LAME, YO!
BLING BLING!
5. Concrete Skiers
This is the only phrase I can think of that describes these people. It’s as if the sheer force of Earth’s gravity is too much for them to bear and they’re resigned to not lifting their feet when they walk.
The only plus to these people is that you can hear them shuffling a mile away and therefore avoid them. But when you’re in a situation where you can’t move and I hear the patented shuffle shuffle shuffle of someone not picking up their feet, it drives me completely insane.
IT’S A FOOT! A GODDAMN FOOT! Pick the fucking thing up when you walk, put it back down on the ground, and then repeat the process with the other leg. Unless your foot weighs ninety pounds, or you’re an old person who has crippling arthritis, you have absolutely no excuse walking around like a pouting five year old.
6. Entertainment Shows
E! Talk Daily. Entertainment Tonight. Access Hollywood. A million others. Where did all these entertainment tabloid shows come from? Holy Jesus, is this the best North American television can do? And it’s not like these shows critically discuss the works of actors or movies or television, it’s just one big ad for upcoming Hollywood dogpiles that you absolutely have to go and see or you’ll be out of the loop and un-hip and that’s the worst thing that could ever possibly happen to you. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are Hollywood’s most beautiful couple! Well thank god for that! I can now stop worrying about the homeless, foreign conflicts, racism and corporate criminal asshole companies fucking everybody out of their money.
What a typical pile of crap. Worshipping celebrities is the number one cause of stupidity in this country. Period. Everybody knows that Halle Berry broke up with whoever the fuck she was married to, but the millions of people being killed in civil war in the Congo? Gee, I don’t know about that. Who cares, more room for us!
Copyright © 2003 Don Porter. All rights reserved.