Rules To Live By
by M. Brown © 1997

1. Never stick one’s finger down the back of a baby’s diaper to see if he/she has pooped.
2. Never walk upon a sidewalk barefoot after it rains.
3. Never play airplane with an over fed baby while holding your mouth open.
4. If it looks like poop, assume it is poop. Never taste test.
5. Always wipe a child’s face and nose before allowing them to kiss you.
6. If the diaper has a brown tinge to it, assume the worst.
7. If a child grunts in any manner, plug one’s nose and step away.
8. If the training pants have a bump in the back, it is bad news.
9. Never tuck a child under one’s arm to carry them to the changing table unless the side flaps of the diaper are down and locked.
10. Butterfinger BB’s are not warm.
11. Horsey rides do not cause a child to "catch air".
12. Baby poop tan is not a real paint color.
13. If there are wavy lines rising from a child’s personal space, the diaper is most likely full.
14. Why is there no maximum capacity stated on bags of diapers? It is because one becomes light headed long before maximum capacity is reached.
15. To a young child, anything brown tastes like chocolate. Anything.
16. Never accept a potato chip from a child, unless of course you like your chips recycled and just a tad soggy.
17. To a baby, the perfect time to let nature take care of business is while mom and/or dad are next to be served in a line over several hours long.
18. Many 3 year olds consider the use of underwear and toilet paper "optional".
19. Take great care when holding children, as any appendage or piece of clothing on your body that sticks out is considered a handle and may be used as such.