A Treatise on Alcohol Consumption by the Wamp General Information: When drinking, remember efficiency is key. Never drink beer, it tastes like shit, and it takes way too long to drink in mass quantities. But, you say, I use a beer bong, I get it down quick. You're retarded--why the fuck would you do that? You're still liable to vomit, just because of the sheer quantity of fluid you consume, if not because of the alcohol. Letting other people poor alcohol down your throat is also an easy way to rapidly reach a state of unconsciousness. Drink hard liquor--it doesn't cost more than beer, and it's not any more difficult to obtain. It tastes much better too, even if you don't mix it. However, with the right mixer combination, you won't even taste it at all, if that's your goal. An alcohol's efficiency is of course directly proportional to its proof—which is intuitive. Grain alcohol is exceptionally efficient, but I don't know of a soul that can stomach it. Bacardi 151 is also nice, but keep it away from open flame-- unless you're real dr! unk. Then you should begin drinking flaming shots, you won't feel the pain until morning, and the high alcohol content will minimize the chances of the burns becoming infected. If you manage to consume a flaming shot, make sure you get a photographic record, because nobody will fucking believe you. If you still can't stomach 151, move down a step. Try some 100 proof booze--Southern Comfort has 100 proof bourbon that is exceptionally good, but kind of expensive. I think Smirnoff makes 100 proof Vodka, which tastes just as bad as 80 proof Vodka. Of course, the standard is 80 proof, and at this is the proof at which you will find the majority of your fine spirits. Anything below that is for pussys. Schnapps is only 40 proof. Malibu Rum is also 40 proof. It tastes damn good, but so does Coca-Cola. The goal is inebriation, not delectable drinking delight. Choice of Medium: Like a fine artist, a drunk must express his individuality. If you want to drink beer, that's up to you, but just know you are the equivalent of kid drawing with crayons. If you want to be a master, you must use the medium of masters. Just like Picasso didn't use crayons (very often), a proper drunk will consume brew in extreme moderation--its only effective use is for maintaining an exceptional buzz when another shot of the good stuff will put you into a coma. But once you get above beer, there are many mediums to choose from. Beginners tend to mix with large quantities of non-alcoholic substances, which is fine, as long as you don't make a lasting habit of it. When you mix so much you can't taste the booze, it is not necessary to spend a lot of money on your alcohol. Get a generic rum, vodka, or gin. See next section for minimizing the taste of the cheap stuff through effective mixing. When you’re ready to move on, go for finer stuff. If you’ve tried to drink the c! heap stuff straight, you know it goes down like gravel. Don’t let this deter you from drinking the good stuff straight. A fine alcohol always goes down smooth. You can get good shit relatively cheap, Bacardi light rum goes for about 10 bucks a bottle. Jack Daniel’s, Absolut, Jose Cuervo, Tanqueray, Smirnoff—any of these are good. There is no “best”—the choice is entirely up to you. Among the moderately priced stuff, I like Tequila best, but bourbon is also good. Once you’re think you’ve become a connoisseur, move up on the scale. Buy some expensive shit—15 year old blended Scotch, like Johnny Walker Black, Dewar’s, or Chivas Regal imported single malt scotch, like Glenlivet Jack Daniel’s makes a special bourbon based on their 1908 World’s Fair winner. Always drink it straight—out of a glass, on the rocks if you like. Don’t shoot it—savor it. Taste it, let it roll of your tongue. If this doesn’t appeal to you, stick with the cheap stuff and save your cash. Once y! ou start to get a little hammered and can’t taste what you’re drinking anymore, put the bottle away and drink cheap stuff. Enjoy the good stuff in a state of relative sobriety. On Mixing: Here are some ideas for which alcohols to mix with which drinks to minimize taste. Whiskey or Borbon—goes good with Coke, that’s about it Vodka—O.J. is good, as well any citrus soda Gin—Mountain Dew, you won’t taste anything else Rum—Coke Tequila—don’t mix it…ever. Suck a lime afterwards if you can’t handle it. On Tolerance on Limits: The only drawback beer drinkers (or non-drinkers) will experience when entering the world of hard liquor is getting _too_ drunk. It is possible. Drunk is fun. Puking your guts out on the verge of passing out is not. When testing your limits, make sure to adequately space the time between your shots. It takes a while for you to fee the effects of each successive drink. When you start to feel real good and you think one more drink will put you in a absolute state of euphoria, you’re wrong. You’ll feel like shit and want to puke. There’s no fun in that, and you’re wasting your cash. That stuff that ends up in the toilet is not only the remnants of your last meal, but alcohol—alcohol you could have saved for another evening of fun if you weren’t so fucking dumb. You want to drink as little as possible to get drunk. When you’re drunk, you don’t keep getting drunker when you drink more—you get sicker and sicker. Sure, I know you all like to brag about your tolerances, but! you aren’t going to get much respect if you puke every time you drink. Tolerance will build with experience. It’s not all good—higher tolerance means more booze required to get drunk, hence it costs more. But a moderately high tolerance does make for a better social experience—if you’re drinking at a party you don’t want to be left out of the fun because you’re trashed after two drinks. Remember the cycle sober->drunk->dead. Stay in the middle. Don’t drive. Trust me, no matter how pissed you think you’re parents will be that you drank, it won’t compare to how pissed they’ll be if you get your ass thrown in jail, or if you kill somebody. Stay the night, and make up an excuse in the morning. If they don’t buy it, tell them you drank, you didn’t want to drive so you stayed. Then add that is was your first time, you had to try it, it was an awful experience, and you’ll never do it again. Then make sure you have a sober person to drive you home next time. Find a Mormon! with a car and become their best friend. In Conclusion: Don’t drink beer. Don’t puke. Don’t drive.