Answering Machine Messages

WE ARE BORG.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But, we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll
assimilate you later.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.  Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait
for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound,
press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and  dial your number. If you want
to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask  for extension
4443, then leave your name  and message. If you want to leave your number and
the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice,
talk loud and (BEEP)

'Ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and
number, and prepare to die.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.   Today's word is
"supercilious."

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you
are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

 

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a
message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will
get back to you.

(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without
time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost
up ahead  -- This is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have
reached, "The Twilight Phone."

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All
of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big-time phone system.

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.  Today's
Commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not
witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er...  Shalt not commit a
bear... Dern...

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone
now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing
this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW,
like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing...

(Recorded directly from AT&T:)  We're sorry, but the number you dialed is
disconnected or no longer in service. Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not
peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os, won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy
knahT.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is
226-0477.  Please make a note of it.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are
now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our
computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands
of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation.  However our staff  of professional extortionists will contact
you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of
the tone. Thank you.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE.  SPEAK.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the
beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in
the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name
and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.  If
you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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