i'm losing my mind, everything's fine.

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10 may 1997

3:19 p.m.

Dear diary, One of my favorite East Coast ska bands, "The Toasters," is playing in town tonight. No doubt to commemorate their latest album, out last month, which I've yet to pick up. However, this ATM receipt in my hand reads: "AVAIL BAL: $40.29." Derek's gone. Payday is six days away. Do I skank and starve, or do I do laundry and live off Big Macs for a week? Neither option seems particularly attractive. I'd like to go to the show and just beg mom for cash when I see her tomorrow, but that'd be too tacky. Even for me. I'm not exactly looking forward to Mother's Day this year. As usual, it's a big all-moms family event at my aunt's house... but it'll be the first one without uncle around. I haven't visited since he died last October. My aunt seems to be doing well... we've talked -- bumping into each other at Kahala Mall of all places -- and her traditional New Year's letter seemed to convey the same optimism and energy she always had. Even so, I think things this Sunday will be just a little subdued, a little less rowdy. I wonder if anyone will sit in uncle's ugly green chair? The invitation did come with a piece of great news: my cousin, graduating next month, got accepted at Tulane University in Louisiana. I think her interest lies in architecture. I remember uncle passing around her drawings of downtown buildings -- he'd take photographs of them and bring them home for her to study -- and fantastic Blade Runner-esque cityscapes pulled entirely from her head. (I remember making the comparison, only for her to ask what "Blade Runner" was.) Her favorite picture was a concept drawing of a Statue of Liberty-sized statue of King Kamehameha, which she thought should be built on Ford Island in Pearl Harbor. She figured while Liberty beckoned to the tired and poor from Europe, Kamehameha would welcome people from the East. In light of the political climate between native Hawaiian groups and the U.S. (let alone the U.S. and most of Asia), the idea is in horribly bad taste. But in 14-year-old logic, it made perfect sense. Although uncle, a graduate of Purdue, always said he wanted his kids to go to his old stomping ground, I think he'd still be proud of his eldest daughter. I think she'll still be able to raise enough hell to do the family name justice... especially come Mardi Gras.