i've got my own hell to raise.

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3 may 1997

3:44 p.m.

Dear diary, Thank god I don't hold any stock in "McDonalds." Figuring it's too early in the month to worry about my cholesterol quota, I stopped by the Golden Arches last night for some nummy nuggets. I hit the place right in the middle of the dinner rush, though, and was immediately subjected to a severe olfactory assault (doesn't anyone shower anymore?) and a skull-rattling tantrum over Beanie Babies. I stood in line for what seemed like forever. Then, I finally looked at my watch and realized I wasn't just being impatient... the long-hand really did move from "a while" to "eternity" while my feet remained planted on the same scuffed tile. The problem turned out to be at the head of my line, wearing a checkered blue beret and khaki shorts. He was leaning far over the register, gesticulating wildly at some undefined point outside the restaurant and berating the dumbstruck cashier. The point of contention revolved around McDonalds' new 55-cent burger deal. What Quaker Oats Guy retained from the billion-dollar "My Size" ad campaign was the "55 cent" part. What he did not retain was the other half of the deal, which stated -- in slightly smaller print -- "with purchase of any size fries and drink." He insisted the conditions were not made clear. Counter girl, flanked by her jittery manager, pointed out the slightly clearer signs above their heads. Quaker Oats Guy then decided to pretend the signs didn't exist. "I want my 55-cent Big Mac," he grunted. The cashier didn't blink. Then, while this was going on, a very similar debate suddenly flared up two registers down. The manager, biting his lower lip, quickly disappeared. I figured he was going to figure out a way to use a fry vat to commit suicide. All of a sudden, a Whopper sounded like a really good idea. After I started thinking about it (and I had a lot of time for thought), I began to wonder how McDonald's had even managed to stay in business these last few years. Either their marketing director is schitzophrenic, or the position is being changed more often than diapers. Forget the "Burger of the Month" -- they've been "Gimmick of the Month" for ages now. Over the year's they've pushed their fries, their nuggets, their appeal to kids, and then their appeal to adults. And don't forget the mutant-boxed "McD.L.T." Now there's the disgusting "Deluxe Line," which essentially was "let's add some stupid sauce and lettuce and charge more." Meanwhile, Burger King's been pushing their Whopper, their Whopper, and most recently, their Whopper. I don't know what else they make, but I do know where I can get a Whopper. I have no clue what McDonald's wants me to eat. And they haven't had a single product worth being proud of for as long as I can remember. I have three words for Ray Kroc kin out there. Sell, sell, sell. Derek and I are going to try and hit two movies tonight at Kahala. The Saint and Volcano. The former, starring Val Kilmer, speaks to my oft-ignored guilty pleasure gene, and the latter is to see exactly how much of the eruption footage is "borrowed" from Kilauea documentaries. Like Jay, though, the one movie I'd pay double to see isn't playing anywhere in this godforsaken entertainment wasteland. I guess "Chasing Amy," film number three out of "Clerks" director Kevin Smith, falls in the vast "too artsy for the Hawai`i crowd" category as far as Consolidated Theaters Corp. is concerned... the same company that kept "The Mighty Ducks 2" running for two months, yet all but snubbed "Pulp Fiction." Until it won gobs of awards, that is. Actually, I have no doubt "Chasing Amy" will pop up on this island somewhere. With fast-growing competitor Wallace Inc. moving in, Consolidated has at least pigeonholed some of its theaters for the "alternative" movie crowd: Varsity (near the university), Cinerama, and of course Keolu Cinemas -- way out the hell in Kailua. With my luck they'll put it at Keolu... matinees only, on alternating Thursdays, as the second film in a double-bill with "Speed 2." But who knows. If it sweeps a few Oscars, it'll probably be back in a few months. Then we won't be able to get rid of it. I want to see it though. I mean, I didn't even bother with the whole "Ellen" hype (didn't even tape the episode). I'm sorry, but if you're going to meddle with lesbians, let's see some real controversy. Network sitcoms are network sitcoms -- they've got the depth of a puddle. By contrast, half my Mainland friends who've seen "Chasing Amy" loved it to pieces, the others want Smith dead. Now that's my kind of story.