the cat is out on the patio.

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3 august 1997

7:14 p.m.

Dear diary, Web design nothing. There just may be a future for me in computer anthropology. I think I've been declared the default computer expert in my family. Although my mother doesn't have a clue as to what it is I do with my life (other than borrow money), she does recognize it involves computers. This is, at least, what she apparently tells all our relatives. Because now it seems any relative who's dumb enough to buy their computer from Sears or Radio Shack will call me for help sooner or later. Today's mission? Set up a hand-me-down computer -- handed down from a technophobic mother to a techno illiterate daughter. The payment? Dinner. The patient was an AST Advantage running Windows 3.1. After I untangled the wires, it took no more than five minutes to get everything plugged in. Before I could collect for the work, though, I was roped into software support. "Look at what's on there and see what else we need," mother asked. I found PrintShop, WordPerfect for DOS and a particularly sigh-worthy artifact called PerfectWrite. Ah, PerfectWrite. It whipped me back in time to Intro to Computers in high school. PerfectWrite's main menu is jam packed with a whopping three commands -- edit, setup and exit. To think there were still kids in that class who couldn't keep up. I also discovered, upon accidentally starting the Windows terminal accessory, an internal modem. Yep. The woman had the computer for five years, and didn't know it had a modem. Ironic, since part of the reason she'd upgraded (to a Packard Hell, which unfortunately means I'll be getting another phone call within the week) was so she could "do the e-mail." Out of curiosity, I tried to dial out. It didn't work. I fiddled with this setting and that, but even though I could hear it beeping its heart out, the dial tone just droned on. Wondering if there was something wrong with the line, I checked the phone in the bedroom. And hitting the number three, instead of hearing a beep, I heard "click-click-click." Pulse dial. Throwing ATPD in place of ATDT, I connected to the UH pool at a zippy 2400 baud. "Wow," mother asked. "So can this computer surf the web?" I completely failed to stifle a chortle. I recommended a whole slew of software to bring the machine into the 90s, in the meantime assembling a cheat sheet of basic DOS and WordPerfect commands (SHIFT-F7 to print? What the hell were they thinking?) so it could at least manage grocery lists and letters. Seeing as how its owner thought it no better than an oversized paperweight before this afternoon, she was very thankful for my help. I got a chicken enchilada and a Barq's. I know, I know... it's hardly minimum wage. But seeing as how I just finished LawyerGal's $75 page in four hours, I think it was a pretty lucrative day overall. Heck, it was worth it just to see PerfectWrite again. I wonder if there's a market in re-engineering older computers to be at least passable word processors? Most of the people who buy Tandys (Tandies?) at the mall in a fit of indiscriminate spending really aren't looking for much more anyway.