backArchbishop: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
Church: A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there.
Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.
Conscience: The inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.
Confidence: The feeling that makes one believe a man, even when one knows that one would lie in his place.
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.
Demagogue: One who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.
Democracy: The worship of jackals by jackasses.
Evil: That which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
Experience: A series of failures. Every failure teaches a man something, to wit, that he will probably fail again.
Fine: A bribe paid by a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his crime.
Historian: An unsuccessful novelist.
Husband: A No. 16 neck in a No. 15 1/2 collar.
Idealist: One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
Jealousy: The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste.
Judge: A law student who marks his own papers.
Lawyer: One who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.
Morality: The theory that every human act must either be right or wrong, and that 99% of them are wrong.
Pastor: One employed by the wicked to prove to them by his example that virtue doesn't pay.
Platitude: An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
Psychotherapy: The theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow, and is certainly a damned fool.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Self-respect: The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
Sunday: A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.
Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
Wife: A former sweetheart.
Wife: One who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again.
back