Journal Log

~* Log 1 *~ ~* July 17, 2001*~ Well okay, today wasn't the greatest. I keep thinking of getting a job. I am really picky on what I want to work for. I guess you can say that I have this fear of failing. Failing my self or the company. But I know people are going to say "don't worry about losing, just do your best." And that is true. All the years that I've been with my mother has made me feel like I have let her down, because of the things that I did wrong in her eyes (in other words, she sees me doing things my way, and she gets all mad or frustrated, because I didn't do it her way.) Catching on? Oh well, my life living with my mother is very hard. You can say that she has this chain clamped onto my ankle and never letting me go. Right now I am at the point that I want to just leave her. But I have no job or place to go. Plus I have this big heart that I hate to brake peoples emotions or hearts. I am that type of person who cares for others. But right now, I feel that I have too many issues that is building up inside and I am at that point that I want to burst. Just emotional depress.

~* Log 2 *~ ~* July 19, 2001*~ Today was cool. Just had visitors come over to my house and look at it, to see if they want to buy our house. My parents are splitting up and my dad already found a place to live. To me, it’s great that they have split up; I wouldn’t have to hear them fight. (I mean that they don’t fight ALL the time. It’s just stupid reasons.) I understand how my dad feels leaving my mom, sometimes I wish I could. I am not saying that my mother is bad, but she needs to learn thins on her own. She is type of person who has to be right, never the wrong. Everything has to go her way. It’s like she controls you to do things, she says that she doesn’t, but she doesn’t realized what she is doing. She says, “I don’t think out side the box.” Well I do, but she cuts me down or she treats me like I am stupid. I’ve notice that I can function when my mother isn’t around me. But when she is with me or I am with her, she has things huge vibe around her that has full of anger because I am not doing things her way. You can say that my mother metal abuses me, but she doesn’t know it. I want my mother to be thinking for her self. My visions for my mother is… - Learning to accept things the wrong way. - Letting her daughter experience the REAL WORLD on her own. - Letting go of her past with her parents. - For her to stop, and look at what is saying, thinking, and doing. - For her to take control of her life. (Of course Danielle will be there when needed.) As for my self, I need to carry on with life. Of course I am going to be there for my family, because that all I have, but I need to get on with my life, live the life as how I need it to be. I know it's selfish and I am only thinking of my self, but that is what I need to get on with my life. I am trying set goals or right example for myself. I don’t know. Do you understand?

~* Log 3*~ ~* Aug. 8, 2001*~ ~*Status: Depressed. (Of what? Who knows.)*~ Today, I feel depressed. Why? Because I have no I idea why I am like this. On thing that was said to me today was, “you need to think out side.” That is the second person who said that to me. First was my mother, but now it’s my sister. But you know what, my sister is right. I never felt so humiliated by that word, “think out side” My dad told me that I was be selfish, I am only think of my self, thinking what I want to think. Now I feel depressed by that, it just seems the whole in tire world is falling down onto me. But you know, I think I need to start to get on my ass with a job. I told my self that when I get a job some where, my life is going to be on track, well right now I don’t have a job and college is going to start on the 27 of this month. Now that I have offered two jobs I don’t know what to do. My cousin helped me find a job and I didn’t listen to her, now that she is offering my service to work at her job, I am willing to do it. But you know, I put in application long time ago at this music store called Jelly’s now they are changing to Cheapo Music. But enough with that, my best friend was hired there, and she told me to put my application in, well I never got a call from them. After hanging out with her while she works, we started to get to know the mangers. Only one manger knows that my friend is leaving because she has to go back to Virginia because her college is going to start, she doesn’t leave until the 24 of August. Now that I have got to know the mangers at Jelly’s, one of them offered me a job, I would be replacing my friends position. Before all of this job offers, I was kind of depressed because I couldn’t get a job. Now that I have two offers it been pressed. I don’t know if the manger at Jelly’s is serious or just fucking me around. But if I do get this job, I am willing to work through school. Now with working with my cousin, I would only work for what? Three weeks? Right now I am confused? As I was taking a shower, I though about my cousin (not is a sick way) she has done a lot for me, helping me find a job and getting me one. I started to brake down in tears because she is the one who is helping me through things, she is the only one who is helping me with my employment status. My other cousin’s…well I was never closed to them anyways. They suck. But that’s a different story. I thought that when I get money, I want to treat her and her daughter to some place to show her my appreciate on helping me through things that I have fear of, finding a job and get out of my comfort shell and be your self, don’t take crap from anyone, just be your self. Right now, I feel much better, but I still feel confused about my job. BUT I have to wait and see because I have a meeting with my cousin’s manger tomorrow at 12:30 pm. *sighs* Today I should thank the god’s and goddess for helping me with the tough situation that am dealing with today. Thank you and Blessed be!

~* Log 4*~ ~* April. 30, 2002*~ ~*Status: oops..hehehe *~ Sorry that I haven’t catch up with my journals, I’ve been bust with work and school and now life. I was just reading my last entry and I said that I was trying to look for a job and all, well I have found one, when August comes around, I will make one year with my job. And my cousin is no longer working there, so it’s cool. Well my life has been a weirdo. From my last journal entry to now, things has gone up and then down. I have moved out of my long time home and moved into an apartment. (which is cool) but you know, I still have dreams about going back home. I have lived in that house since I was 5 years old and 13 years I stayed in that place. Well this new place is cool, I a neighbor that lives blow us and he is crazy as hell man! This guy is single and he works at Pearl Harbor. This guy likes to talk to himself. One time (one time at band camp….hehehe sorry) well I was on my computer and I could hear some one walking and talking out side (he runs) and that guy was getting ready to run, well he kept talking to himself saying “it’s true, it’s true” so it didn’t down onto me until he started to blass his TV and I could hear Stone Cold talking and then I hear Kurt Angle talking and some how it started to hit me, that dude was imitating Kurt Angle in wrestling. When he isn’t imitating someone, he is either grunting out loud then he lifts weight (cause you can hear the bar bells fall onto the floor) or he is just making weird noises. This dude is really annoying but I feel like we are the only one can hear him do all those things, but we’ve made some friends around the other houses and they said they can hear him too. You know, half of the time I want to yell out the other side and just say “shut up” but I am not the type of person to do that, but it does get annoying. You just have to be there.

~* Log 5*~ ~* May. 31, 2002*~ ~*Status: depressed in love...I think*~ Well for the pass of couple of days, I have been really bored and having the urge to hang out or just party. Well my friend has came back from Virginia and I want to go out to clubs, but will she go? Hope so, if not I will make her go. I also meet someone from online, and it’s cool hanging out with that person. Not going to mention gender, sorry. And it’s like that person is the coolest cause that person like to do the same things too, and that person is like a best friend, unlike my other friends. My other friends are cool too, but you know what, one might not want to go out and the other is hard, I know she might go, but will she have fun….so it’s hard with my friends. Now with this person I am starting to get attach or how would you say, have a crush on that person. And you know what, I think I made an ass of my self. I am not going to say what I did, but I kind of felt really bad and made an ass of my self. I am sorry for what I did, please forgive me. I don’t know what I was doing, please for give me. I know yesterday I was feeling all depressed, I couldn’t bare the facts when I was watching Star Wars 2, I kept thinking on what I did wrong and I kept apologizing to my self and praying to that person, saying I am sorry. I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t get attached, but it’s hard when you have a crush on that person. You know, I never been in love before…well I never meet the right person for it. I am not saying the crush is the right person, but I feel like the word crush is just like love, but in different meanings. Following? Oh well. I kind of feel like I am missing someone in my life right now. I feel complete, I have a job and going to college, (of course I still live with my mother, but I have no choice, she is paying for my school and hey!! I have free rent now…well maybe for now…plus I have go by her rules. I know I am 20 years old and I shouldn’t be treated like a child, but I can’t beat not paying rent. It could be worst, I could be struggling to get ends meet with paying the rent in Hawaii…so yeah) now I am waiting for the love of my life or someone to share a life together. I want some one to spoil and have totally have with.

~* Log 6*~ ~* June. 2, 2002*~ ~*Status: sad and pissed...what do you think...huh?!*~ Okay, I am speechless. I just had a talk with my mother about me. It’s funny, the more I think about it, the more I want to leave. Some how I just know that I may or may not do things (like choose my own decision without any one telling me what to do.) I am not sure you guys are following what I am saying. But to her she thinks she is the one steering me in the directions of her way. Okay, well she said that she is the one telling me that I have options but you have to follow this one cause I said so. Or if you still didn’t follow my way, then she will try and make me change my mind and I wouldn’t do it at all. Following? I just want to know, I feel like I have problems that no one has too. I know people have similar problems but do you think there is a way to change it or something? You know what, I just realized, I have the power to do things on my own and prove my mother that I can do things on my own, but I am just too damn fucken lazy to get up and do it. I realize it and do nothing about it, maybe that is why I am depressed all the time, I have my mother telling me how to live my life and always in my face cause I don’t know how to be aggressive in my life. You know I have part of a song that I got from Linkin Park… You like to think your never wrong, You have to act like your someone. You want some one to hurt like you You like to share that you went though Well if any one has opinions, please I would love to hear from you and bitch the hell out of me to wake up and fuck life. Start taking actions with myself first…

~* Log 7*~ ~* May. 19, 2003*~ ~*Status: happy...confused...ummmm..i guess okay. *~ OMG! it's been that long since i haven't writen in this log? jeeze...well i guess things are okay for now. a lot has changed since from almost one year i haven't writen in this log. but making friends and meeting new people has changed...i've meet this wonderful woman...and u know what? woman are so confusing at times...but that's human nature...u can't change someone to what U want it to be. In a way, I am greatful to have meet her, cause if i haven't meet her, my life would of been boring and i would fall right back to depression. oh, by the way...this is a different woman i've meet. so things has really changed since june 2 of 2002. oh...things with my mother...ummm hasn't changed as much, but since i've turned 21...i guess i could go out more, but still. im living under her roof. Things might changed, i might move with my father or at least find a room mate to live with. i do need to move on with my own life...it doesn't all HAVE to be my mother all the time. i do have a life also! so i guess im progressing...a little. like i was supposed to be sumiting my transscrips to the mainland art school...well that's not happening. I am gong to finish my A.A degree and transer to UH. so yea things are changing. the big "but" is im kinda still single...sad yea? lol well since my friend introduce me to this night club/bar called Black Garders (aka: the gardens) i felt like a kid in a candy store with a lot of lesbians!! dude! but yea...sucks being single. okay...i think i reambled too much. better geting going. peace out!