September 2, 1998 - (a) Some dreary stuff...

I noticed something not too long ago regarding my Scribbles. For a long time, now, I've kept them light-hearted. I've shied away from putting down anything that would be depressing. It made me realize I was writing more for my audience than for myself: I wished to entertain. I don't think that was my original purpose in these Scribbles. They were to be an outlet for me that I thought strangers (and a couple of friends) may be interested in reading. It evolved on me while I wasn't looking closely.

I don't mean to say I don't enjoy writing my Scribbles for people's entertainment. I gather it's why some journalist write their columns day/week after day/week. It's also a defense mechanism. Most people don't want to tell their sad story(ies) to one of the most public medium (at least, not for free).

However, this is my forum, more or less. And while I will continue to write for my audience, I'm going to follow a selfish goal of mine from time to time: to write for myself.

Besides, these are supposed to be random thoughts. And how random can they be if I screen out all the melancholy ones? And more importantly, I think life is a balance of both good and bad. It just sucks that we often can remember the bad more than we can the good.

The following will be a bit disheartening; if you don't want to go there, please hit back and continue your exploration of the rest of the tower. Thanks.

I used to be easy-going. I think I still am, but I think I've collected a baggage of jadedness. I remember a lot of bad...Too many which have happened to me and the people I care about, that I just don't understand emotionally. I wrote a Scribble more than a year ago saying that inspite of the things that went wrong, we had to embrace life. If you're feeling down and you feel you need a reminder to perk up again, please read that. But I do get 'bouts of depression where I'll snap at people who say "Don't worry. It'll get better." And if you're feeling that way--don't read that. I know the purpose of that phrase, I understand it intellectually, I've even said it many times. But sometimes it's just redundant to hear it again. Sadness is a part of life. And there are times instead of fighting it, I just want to ride with it until it fades away.

I don't understand it: the purpose of sadness. Oh, I understand the intellectual part of it. And I know very well the anologies of there being light only if there darkness, yadda-yadda-yadda. I can rationalize it, fine. I've done so for the majority of my life. We need a little rationality to explain the existent of sadness to keep from growing crazy. But there's a deep part inside that just can't understand why somethings hurt, why somethings just don't go right. It cries out at the injustice, the senseless and knows it can't do a damn thing to change it.

That is experiencing real pain, real sadness. And, I think that's something important in life: to really feel sadness. Just one of the things important, mind, just one. Many people douse the pain before they feel it; I guess that's a survival technique. If we felt all the pain to its fullest extent, it may very well kill us. But if we don't feel at all.. when we don't grasp its senseless, I think that is sad.

No sane person will go around searching for sadness; but no sane person has to. Sadness/grief/pain/etc will come. That is a fact of life. If it is of a great magnitude, don't run away. That takes courage...to feel the irrationality of the cause of the pain. But that may, perhaps, be the only way to learn how to accept it in all its unfairness...and perhaps, the way to get over it.

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