January 13, 1999 [Written on Jan 2]

I hate waiting for the bus. I waited for about an hour for the bus today and then another ten minutes because the driver wished to rest or cool the bus down or something. It's one of my pet peeves -- wasting time while travelling, and bus-waiting ranks up on there on that list. I try to do something with my time waiting, I do... I try consoling myself, after a long day of classes, waiting for my ever-so-unpredictable bus that this is my time to rest... and when I get home, I'd be rested and I'd be ready to work. Yeah, right.

I've tried reading -- it doesn't work. I'm a picky reader.. I like to sit down in funny positions on the couch, on the bed, on the floor.. I like to block the world out, and you can't do that while waiting for the bus... Not if you're me. I tried studying.. and that doesn't work well, either. It soothes the soul just a little when I've got finals the next week, but more often than not, it pisses me off that I'm not at home spending precious moments revising. I'm so hard to please...

The only thing I've done well during my bus-waiting time is think. And thinking is something I'm trying to cut down on.

I admire people who think... who rationalize and weigh what they know... who search for more information to answer their questions, who take life in their hands and not let it run them.

It's been said again and again by many people but I help help it. I, too, like the way children think, because they've a fresh perspective on life -- no "oh, you can't think that way".. Their answers often work just fine for them, and they get along with life just dandy..

To be able to honestly think is remarkable, unlike being able to regurgitate whatever one is fed. I'm an expert at regurgitating thoughts; but no, I don't give lessons. That'd be depressing.

So, having some time to think should be a blessing---but it's not. Maybe it's how I think, or what I think, I don't know. But the more I think, the more depressed I get, or the more twisted my insides get. I tried to think like a child... tried to grasp how they deal with all the darkness. It didn't work very much and it's been a long time since I've been a child-- not merely in age, but in simply being a child.

I envy the people who know what they want in life, and understand why. I am so jealous of the people who are certain of their jobs because they love it, they believe in it, and they believe that by doing their jobs... they make the world or, even more importantly, themselves better. Like the woman who works selflessly for conservation of the forests.. or the man who dedicates his life to the salvation of an animal no one has heard of ... Or the person down the street who runs an old bookstore because he loves helping people find their own private world in words... It doesn't matter if you don't think these purposes are noble, or right, or whatever.. I couldn't bring myself to dedicate my life at any of these professions (well, maybe the last one.. :P :-) ) ... because I don't believe them in myself. But there are people who do.. and I envy their belief.

I don't envy the people who've always known as much as the people who were lucky enough to "stumble" on what was right for them; their gifts. My mother was one of them... Never in her life did she imagine herself working with children... and despite all the problems she encounters, she loves it. And because she loves it, or rather, the children, the children always love her. Child-minding is NO easy job...

And I envy the people who can think about the world's unfairness, cry for it all... and be able to laugh genuinely. They know themselves well enough to take on the world ... because if you don't know yourself well enough, and you try to shoulder the world--- you'd only be crushed.

I tried getting to know who I am... but I'm one very private, very confused person...Sometimes it's just so hard to get me to share a little bit of myself, and I only get frustrated, 'cause, if anyone, you'd think I'd be the one who gets to know me.. I'm trying to be patient, because I've found that when I'm not, I look for easy ways, or quick ways to achieve big accomplishments... I look for that one moment where I can say to myself, "By Gosh, I overcame this problem, NOW I understand myself." ... So-called "big accomplishments" usually lead to "big disappointments" for me. No single moment of enlightment solves all our problems, or lets us know completely who we are.. and no learning of one mistake prevents us from ever making another mistake. There will always be another moment, another mistake.. false moments and false mistakes. But I often find we get over-confident whenever we achieve something.. ah well.

I think about it that way, and sometimes I feel I can't breathe. What a burden we have to carry. And how? And why? I don't know... So, in the meantime, I'll just hope.. and pray, and talk to myself more often... not demanding answers.. but inviting myself to explore... and making full use of "I just don't know." Maybe then the thinking won't be my undoing, maybe then I'll just edge a little closer to being a better me.

[Note: I am in the middle of doing a total revamping of this site. It's taking me longer than I anticipated, so the next update may take a while. Thanks.]

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