So. It's come to this. After years and years of expectation, speculation and hope.... I sort of expected more of a reaction than sitting back and going, "Huh." That's what the old man would say when he found out that what he had stepped on was a couple of decades old invention called chewing gum. "Huh."

You knew me best; my closest friend. You knew me more than I knew myself, and yet, irony had it that you were completely blind to what mattered most. It's okay. No one is perfect. It's not my place to forgive and it's not my place to condemn. But condemn I do, and forgive I do.

I remember the time we climbed that hill together, and I was thinking how easy it would be to read so much into that expedition. And how silly. Whose bright idea was it to look down at the city, anyway? I can't remember.. The journey up rewarded us with scratches and bruised knees.. but your hand was always outstretched to pull me up.. We reached that hilltop at sundown and the warmth had suddenly been stolen away. I can still feel your arm around my shoulder, protecting me from the chill, as we watched the coming of darkness over the city lights.. I dared not move, but still I lost myself in your touch.

You didn't notice, did you.

You came close once.. Impressive, my friend, the way you took me by surprise. That one time you looked at me with those oddly perceptive eyes and dwelled far deeper than you were supposed to. With one gesture, walls began to crumble. But ah, I recovered from the surprise quicker than you... I realized that you did not understand what you were doing. A simple diversion was all that was needed. I felt guilty for a brief moment when I saw the way your eyes clouded over. But confusion is something we both know well, do we not?

It was for the best.

I am sure of it now. I knew she would come.. She is the one meant for you, it is obvious. She is the one your heart was promised to. I can see the way you hold her in your arms... the way I pretended you held me at times. And it doesn't hurt very much. That's the part that's funny.. I thought I would feel ..something.

Did you just look at me? ..Smiles to you, dear one, and her, too. Did I just see some sadness in your eyes? Those perceptive eyes..

--You've always known!

...The joke's on me.

Copyright © Juliana Ng 1997

Copyright © 1997 Juliana Ng

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