fine. I FEEL OLD. Things that make you feel old:
People who say "you're still young"
Watching children you held as infants grow up.
Kids you taught in fourth grade ringing up your groceries.
Creaky Knees.
So as I look back at being a young person, I think to myself... there are so many things I understand better now. Mysteries of the universe have been revealed to me. Mysteries such as: Why do people who are in their thirties listen to the music they listened to as teenagers and not new music? (answer: we can't afford new CD's.)
Seriously though. Nothing makes you feel older than watching younger people. That's the worst... and in my case (uh oh, here comes the serious shite) younger people who have children. I am truely lucky that so many of my friends and family have shared their personal experiences of miscarriage with me. HOWEVER all the people I know that have recently had children that are YOUNGER THAN ME do not have loss stories, nor do they conciously know anyone who has had a loss.
They say having children is a life changing experience. They say that you're life will never be the same. Well that holds true weather your child survives to be born or not. Pregnancy its self is the life changing experience.
So I feel old. I wonder to myself, did I wait too long? Should I have started earlier? No should's. No could's. No would do diffrently's. You shouldn't have regrets. I have regrets, but they aren't my fault.
So really, what have these experiences taught me? Well... aside from FEELING OLD these last few days, they have taught me that there is still more adversity in life than I ever imagined. And even more than I have experienced. And more than likely there will be more of it comming my way.
It has helped me sort out some of my belifs, and put abstract ideas I've had for a long time into words I could share with others. For years I've kept most of my belif system to myself simply because I couldn't form it into sentances.
I've become more understanding twoards others. Sometimes that jerk at the supermarket is a jerk because they want attention, or are lonly, or are sad, and don't know how else to reach out for help from humanity. Mary Lou Kownacki said "There isn't anyone you couldn't love once you've heard their story." I know that can't be true for everyone in the whole world, but it's helped me both look for the story that other have behind them, and have the courage to share mine.
Another mystery revealed: Why do older people think they know more than younger people? (answer: They's seen/done/experienced more stuff, met more people, heard more stories.)
Why are older people more mellow and compassionate than younger people? See above answer.
As I've grown older I've looked back at my past and made conclusions. I once wrote a peice about teens and older people understanding eachother by looking into their own futures/pasts. It's hard to condem a "stupid kid" for egging your house when you used to egg houses. The older I get the more this rings true. You can understand a lot of people by looking into your own life. Not just people like yourself, but people very diffrent than you.
Think of days when you've been sad... how did you act? Look for others acting that way. They may not be sad for the same reasons that you were, but the hurt is the same. Think of other ways people express sadness. I myself get very quiet. Have you shunned a quiet person? One of your aquaintences who is not usually quiet and then is and you've said to yourself, "I'll just leave them alone..." Think about it hard... WHY ARE THEY QUIET? It doesn't hurt to ask them, "Are you alright? Do you need to talk?" Maybe they need to open up. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to you.
I'll bring this ramble to an end, with this final thought: As I've gotten older I've learned many new things about life. Here is the most important one:
Listening to someone is the NICEST thing you can do for them. Especially if they are upset. I've been on both ends of this, and it is really the best thing. And if everyone listened more, the world will be a nicer place.
See you in three years.