"Powerhouse of the cell", indeed! These insidious little symbiotes have finally conquered us! Their all-pervading influence, long known to biologists and cytologists, has now infiltrated popular culture. They are a focal point of the plot of the best selling video game "Parasite Eve", and have even made their way to the silver screen under the shoddy alias "midi-chlorians" in the long-awaited and much hyped "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace". Now hordes of Jedi wanna-be's will be extolling the virtues of midi-chlorians, never suspecting they are bowing to the altar of a false god!
Mitochondria are semi-independent structures found in the cytoplasm of each and every living cell on Earth. They seem to provide some kind of "service" processing enzymes and glucose, and perhaps help out in cell respiration in some way, but their ultimate purpose is unclear, even to devoted legions of scientists.
Their real purpose? Conquest!! Eons ago these nasty wee beasties invaded the happy eukariotes off Pangaea'a shores, convincing them with slick tongues and fancy mini-chromosomes to enter into a bargain, and it was a Bargain With The Devil! Ever since this shady covenant in the dim reaches of history, all living things have been bound to the sinister mitochondria in a master-slave relationship, euphemistically called "symbiosis". Well I reveal to you now, the mitochondria made a fatal error! While enjoying their exalted status controlling the well-being of our individual cells, they lost control of the forward movement of those cells as a group, and the fair and mighty Pineal Gland arose!
I bring to you the words of Our Lady Eris!! We have been tricked by our own biologies worse than we have ever been tricked by another human! It has come to Her attention that the mitochondria are responsible for the concept of slavery! Of obedience-or-death relationships! We must all turn our eyes from our earthly goings-on and band together against our flawed cell-structure in order to free ourselves! The mitochondria are so well entrenched a military strategy is inherently futile (even more so than usual). Therefore, we must attack them on their own ground by imbibing chemicals to subdue them and expel them, thus reverting to our pristine, natural states. With our mitochondria-free cells restored, we will be free to aid the rest of the living things of the planet and bring an end to struggle, strife and subservience!
But beware! They are tricky creatures, those mitochondria, and we must always be on the lookout for uncertain proposals of "symbiosis" from sub-cellular entities in the future.
Thank you, and Hail Eris.
- Bro. Bezoomny Koshka, KSC, KGB
International House of Pan Cabal