[scene: a darkened stage. man in tweed on stool, lit by footlights.] The Cabbage Problem
Undoubtedly, many of you will think I'm addressing the issue of there being too many cabbages hiding in our society, as pointed out on page 00029 of the Principia Discordia in the POEE Baptismal Rite. The Initiate must attend the Rite nude, as proof of his or her humanity, and later, just to be sure, the High Priest asks the Initiate "Are ye a human being and not a cabbage or somthing?"
Attend ye carefully now.
[the lighting intensifies]
The Initiate, being of lowly Erisian stature and probably not entirely digging the scene (most non-Eristics are still ashamed of their nakedness), will answer "Yes." The Priest then replies
Despite Pentabarf V, this seems to indicate that cabbages would be entirely better suited to the Discordian life than any silly human. And Yet! Nearly fifty percent of the Erisian webpages I and my associates visit seem to have misconstrued this one-page quip as the core of Eristic Thought, even to the extent of apparently declaring some kind of jihad on cabbages! "That's Too Bad."
[thoughtful pause, perhaps lighting a pipe]
Now honestly, did cabbages really do that much harm to you? I bet I know what it really is! Page 00029 made you laugh yourself so silly that you couldn't think of anything else while you were making your page, so you have lots of references to cabbages to prove your Discordianism. Or something. It would be different if all these references were the result of acid epiphanies...
[a man in a tie-die tunic wanders across stage, saying: "Whoa, man.. the world is ruled by... cabbages!" and exits through an upstage door.]
... but I doubt that's the case.
[prolonged sigh. the left valance shifts unexplainably.]
The simple fact is, the cabbage bit isn't the real meat behind Discordianism. It isn't even the real vegetable! Steamed okra is. Far be it from me to tell anyone what to do, especially those who have quasi-pledged their lives to personal freedom and the proliferation of disorder, but the cabbage thing just isn't funny anymore. There are so many more jokes you could make that would be better, if only because they're original. The Polyfather wrote out some cool shit, but there's more, so much more.
[the lighting dims to original. man takes a deep draw from his pipe, letting the audience think for a moment. the smell of cannabis permeates the auditorium. there's definitely something weird going on with the left valance.]
This epidemic of cabbage overuse is really, really tired. It's about as funny as spouting Monty Python quotes at random in some kind of desperate attempt to look intelligent and witty, or having Cthulu jump out and eat your narrator.
[Cthulu, dressed in tweed, jumps out from behind left valance and eats man on stool. Cthulu picks up the pipe and seats himself. He resumes the lecture.]
As anyone can now tell, cabbages are not the problem. You are the problem. There are only two ways for the problem to disappear. The first is for you to consult your pineal gland and reach some kind of new comic deal with Eris. The second is for you to disappear, to which end I will be taking applications after this session. Please bring two pieces of identification, or your passport and blood type. If you know you are AB+, please form a second line on the right, as I like to deal with the tasty ones first. Thank you, and good night.
[the house lights come up 30%. audience forms two lines at stage door.]
Sorry, that was by far an ungroovier trip than I expected. I suppose that's what I get for subcontracting outside speakers. I mean, really! Fuckin' Cthulu, man! At least the cabbage thing got addressed. Maybe it'll even have some effect. Who knows? Discordians are famous for countering counter-counter-culture.
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