Too Late
By Nicole Mayer (destiny@wwdg.com)
22 December 1998


Disclaimer: The characters and situations contained within are the
property of Universal/Amblin Entertainment.  No copyright
infringement is intended.



                            TOO LATE

Today, you told me you loved me.  They were words that I'd been
wanting to hear for so long.  Yet today I just stood there as I
heard them, staring at you, wondering what made you say it today of
all days.  I couldn't answer.  I just ran and left you wondering
what you'd done wrong.

You caught me completely unexpectedly.  Today, a day just like any
other.  No significant anniversary (at least that I can recall),
it's not a holiday, just a typical working day in New Pacifica on
which you happened to walk me home.  That was when I first realised
something was going on, because you hadn't done that in a long,
long time.  

We made small talk, once so easy between us but now awkward. 
Discussed senseless things such as the weather, Bess's fourth
pregnancy, the number of years we'd been on this planet.  And then,
out of the blue, you stopped walking.  My heart was beating a
little faster as I turned to face you, seeing an intensity in your
eyes that hadn't been there before.  And then you said those three
words, words that were meant to change everything.  "I love you."

Too late.  Your words, they came too late.  I loved you for so
long, ever since the day on the beach on the East coast.  That
night, if you had told me you loved me, I would have thrown my arms
around you.  That night, when I began to realise what you meant to
me, was magic.  I thought I'd lost you, a victim to the
unpredictabilities of this planet, but you were there, stubborn as
ever even when buried in six tonnes of rock. 

And then later, punching Alonzo to defend my honour.  Yes, I knew
what had happened; it was obvious that the spider bite heightened
Alonzo's feelings towards me.  These two incidents, combined with
your companionship as we were alone together in a distant place
caused a spring to burst through in my heart.  I realised I needed
you.  I realised I loved you.

I thought you felt it too.  In fact, I had convinced myself of such
and was content in the knowledge that someday, soon, you would tell
me of your heart.  Yet somehow, the adventures never stopped for
our group and all too soon we were sick and I almost died.

Did you tell me then, as you stood with your hands pressed against
the glass and tears in your eyes?  I felt your presence as I slept,
it was a warm beacon to guide me through the cold of the
nothingness, the endless sleep from which I might never have woken
if it weren't for you.  You saved me, John, not only in the
physical sense but emotionally as well.

Yet when I was returned to life you took a step back.  Did the
intensity of your feelings scare you?  I know I was frightened of
what might happen, and with my recent brush with death I was
content to simply sit back for a while, to stop charging after life
and let life take me along for a time.  I felt I deserved to relax.

Yet that time turned from days into weeks into months in which we
avoided the topic and I almost forgot that I loved you.  I never
forgot, however, your words as I was brought out from the cold.  "I
love you," you whispered, so quietly that you never knew that I
heard.

I held on to that as the months passed, always believing that I
just had to wait a little longer.  We were destined to be and
everything would take care of itself.  When the time was right, you
would say the words and life would be magic, or so I told myself.
We arrived at New Pacifica and once again life was so busy.  There
were never more than a few moments alone together in any day, or
even week for that matter, once the colonists arrived.  During the
days I didn't notice, but you haunted my dreams and I comforted
myself with the idea of someday.

And now, finally, you have said it.  We've known each other for
five long years, and for many of those years I dreamed of hearing
those words pass through your lips.  A year ago I would have been
laughing and singing with joy.  Likewise six months ago, or even
five, or four.

But not now.  John, please understand.  There's only so much
longing a person can take before she has to move on.  I couldn't
live with the constant wanting of you, even when I suppressed the
feelings and tried to pretend they didn't exist.  You would always
haunt my dreams and I would wake up feeling more depressed than
ever, because you were the one thing I couldn't have.

The only way to end the longing was to confront my feelings.  I
even made a list.  John Danziger - pros and cons.  Sadly, yet with
a great sense of relief, I discovered that you and I weren't meant
to be after all.  

Days slipped past and I did not think of you.  I became content
with my life and began to open my eyes, considering other men which
was something I hadn't done for a long, long time.  It was a new
experience for me, not having you to hold on to any longer.  And
yes I was sad for a while but I'd given you five years of my life
with no rewards and I wanted to live again.

Yes, I met someone.  But that has nothing to do with what has
happened between us.  I couldn't tell you today, John, because I
didn't want to break your heart as you broke mine.  But your words
came too late.  I've moved on.  I'm sorry.  I just can't bring
myself to open up all those feelings again, it's a part of my life
that has been closed away.

Please understand, John.  I know I should tell you this in person
but we're not close anymore.  We drifted apart and while that's
hard to recognise, it's true.  And I wonder, do you really love me
as I am today?  Or are you just in love with a person from the
past, someone with whom things could have been beautiful?

If only our timing had been a little better.  If only we hadn't
wasted those early years and dodged our feelings like two scared
children.  I guess we'll never know what might have happened if
we'd taken those few steps.

John, I'll never forget you.  You were the first man I ever
trusted.  I wish you all the best in life, and don't be afraid to
open your eyes and look around.  You never know who you might find,
even if it isn't me.

Good luck John.  I know your future will be wonderful.  But for us,
it's too late.

Your friend,

Devon Adair

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END.

Thoughts most welcome to destiny@wwdg.com