Moments of Silence  
By Nicoleia aka Nic (stardestiny@bigfoot.com)

---

There was a saying, that in the dead of the night it's so silent
that you can't even hear your own heart beat.  Jack didn't know
about that, but there, in the middle of the New Mexican desert, he
certainly appreciated the dead of the night.  And the silence.  The
awful, awful silence where everything was so still that even his
own soft breathing sounded harsh and discordant.  The silence that
meant the bombings had stopped.  The silence that maybe meant that
everyone was dead or they had given up.  It haunted him.  

He was alone.  The last mission had been a complete and utter
failure and Jack had no one to blame but himself for not being more
careful, not protesting a little more. He'd been travelling in
silence since Boulder City - a stupid place to regroup if there
ever was one.  That close to the ex-Area 51 and of course the
Goa'uld would be all over the place.  Jack grimaced, shaking away
the memory.  He'd seen a lot of death since that day at the
mountain and he expected to see a lot more before this war was
over.  

The war.  Few people even called it that anymore because most
pockets of resistance had been quelled.  The Goa'uld System Lords
controlled most major cities of the world through fear and
intimidation.  Nights were silent and still again - the bombings
had stopped - and the sight of a spacecraft overhead was now
returning to its former rare state except for the heavily populated
Goa'uld areas.

This new life was lulling people into a sense of complacency, it
was the new order of things and it was accepted.

Jack intended to fight it until the moment he died.

And that was a day that didn't seem so far away anymore.  He
breathed deeply, the wildness of desert scents filling his lungs
and it lulled him into momentary tranquillity.  The land was so
empty of life yet so full of phantom colour.  During the day the
oranges and yellows of the canyons and plains would seem at odds
with the random green patches yet at night it was all the same,
mystical silver and grey.  Silent.  Silent save for his heart
beating.  

This time in the desert was otherworldly.  So removed from
everything and there was a part of him that had begun to not even
care.  He walked, he ate, he slept, and all the while nothing
touched him.  No weapons fire or screaming or knowledge that yet
again, he had failed.  It was Jack and the universe, the dirt
beneath his feet and the heavens above.  Jack alone.  

He had to keep moving.  Jack knew it was unlikely anyone had
tracked him this far, but the night was for travel and during the
day when the heat reached a point that every step was to drain you
of energy, he slept.  There was one day to go until he had to be in
Santa Fe and after all he'd sacrificed to get here, it was a 
meeting he wasn't going to miss.  Daniel would be waiting for him.

After the fiasco in Boulder City - fiasco?  Jack stopped short,
horrified at himself.  It wasn't a fiasco, it had been a massacre. 
Someone within the high ranks had betrayed them and Jack could only
hope that the traitor was now dead along with the rest of them.  It
had been a clandestine meeting, a time for all forces - airforce,
army, navy - to regroup and reassess their strategy in the ongoing
war.  Many teams had been lost and the military ranks were reduced
to what had once been referred to as "cannon fodder", the young
inexperienced troops with so much heart and belief in their own
invincibility.  That was their greatest weapon, their courage to
keep on going even as their commanders were systematically taken
out. 

The knowledge of the Goa'uld had to be shared and it was Jack's job
to do this.  Boulder City was the central node of the western half
of the USA and those in the east's resistance weren't having much
luck at all.  Jack remembered mouthing off to someone important
(not that he cared) about how security clearance was no longer an
issue and they had to tell everyone about the Stargate so that they
could re-take it and save some people, dammit, give them a chance
off-world!  Others had argued that Stargate knowledge would cause
nothing but riots and a  new reason to blame the US government for
the invasion.

And in the middle of such a tirade, Jaffa had burst in.

Jack didn't want to think about the rest of it.  He brought his
hands to his head, closing his eyes momentarily as if to shake the
frightening images.  More shooting, more death, and only his trusty
Zat gun had saved him and a few others.  They'd all run and that
was something else that hurt.  In previous times Jack would have
stayed and fought until he was the last one standing, but this
wasn't like other times.  Jack had commitments not only to his
country, but to people.  Like Daniel.  And Sam.  And Teal'c,
wherever the hell he was.  

Jack carried secret knowledge of Goa'uld strongholds and the
frightened group of survivors had gathered with him in the fallback
position in the outskirts of Las Vegas, City of Darkness.   The
silence had reigned  for so long and as Jack glanced from one
shocked face to another, the crushing knowledge that they had
probably lost began to hit with full force.  He couldn't take it
any longer, and besides, he had to keep his meeting with Daniel. 
It was the one thing he had left to look forward to.

"I'm outta here," Jack had finally grunted, the first to break the
eerie stillness.  Indicating his radio stored carefully in his hip
pocked, he'd added, "Contact me when..."  And then he'd opened his
hands and shrugged.  What could they do?  "When you know what's
happening."

Someone, a woman with large dark eyes, had cautiously stood and
placed a restraining hand on his shoulder.   He vaguely recognised
her from the meeting, Major something or other.  "Sir, you can't
go."  Her voice was trembling but she held her ground and his gaze. 

"Why not?"

"You're all we have left."

"Get out."  The response was instinctive and flippant, Jack could
not even begin to believe that he was the highest commander left. 
Hell, he was only a colonel with a somewhat shaky record - how
could he be the highest ranking person?  Sure, he could command a
team okay and maybe even an entire compound but to be in charge of
what remained of the US Military?  It was a daunting task.

"It's true," the woman continued, her voice low and earnest.  "In
Boulder, that was *it*.  The total sum of our officers - for all we
know, the rest are dead or incarcerated or off fighting their own
little wars."

"But there were at least 15 generals there!" Jack protested.  "Not
to mention...."

"We saw them die, sir," interrupted a soft voice.  "The Jaffa knew
exactly who to hit.  They were aiming for you as well but Jameson-" 
 The young man broke off, a soft sob interrupting his words. 
"Jameson took the blast, sir."

Jack fell back in his chair, exhaling slowly while his mind
processed what he'd just learned.  Colonel Jack O'Neill, leader of
what remained of the US Armed Forces?  The last one with intimate
knowledge of the strategies being planned and the locations to
attack?  Impossible.  Yet only a few years ago he would have said
travel to other planets was impossible and look at what he'd done
since then.  

He knew what he had to do.  "Major!" he said, mustering as much
force as he could into that command.  She immediately snapped to
attention.  

"Sir!"

Glancing her over, Jack was struck by a wave of familiarity.  Her
straightforward manner, her willingness  to serve, the pride in her
eyes even through the horror she'd seen.  She reminded him of Sam,
but that was a name Jack was better off not thinking about.  

"Major, I am assigning you temporary command of this-"  What to
call them?  "Post," he finished.  "I will instruct you on our
strategies and inform you of the planned strikes.  You are to
direct our remaining troops until I rejoin you."

"Yes sir," she answered immediately, not wavering for even a
moment.  Jack liked that.

Much later, after Jack had passed on what he knew, Major McKennit
(for that was her name) took him aside.  "Sir, you shouldn't be
going alone.  You need a bodyguard, or two.  We *cannot* lose you." 
She took a deep breath.  "As I said earlier, you're all we have
left.  These people, they look up to you!"  

As she gestured about the room, Jack laughed softly.  "Major, they
hardly know me."

"But they know *of* you, sir.  They all listened to your briefings
back in Boulder.  They know what you're capable of and they believe
in you, sir.  That's what's important.  They need someone to
believe in."

"Why not you?" Jack threw back, hating the pressure.

"You're the Colonel," McKennit had swiftly replied and that was the
truth.  "And if you ask me, you should be a lot higher than that. 
We need someone to be there - you know that the military is
dependant upon rank.  If there's no figurehead, not that I'm saying
you have to be a figurehead," she quickly added, "but if there's no
one at the top so to speak then it will all fall apart."

Jack was already shaking his head.  "I'm not taking a position like
that, I'm not going to be bound to a desk!"  It was a euphemism at
best because everything in this war had changed, nonetheless,
McKennit understood.  

"I'm sorry, sir," she said, "but you shouldn't be on active duty at
all.  Stay here.  Out of the limelight - I'll command in the field
while you plan our strategies and give the orders."

"I have to go," Jack said for the hundredth time even as his own
conviction was wavering.  Again torn between duty to his country -
to his *world*, and his friends.   "But I will be back," he vowed. 
"And if we're lucky, with reinforcements."  He saw the continuing
protest in McKennit's eyes and added, "Not another word.  That's a
direct order, Major!"

Her, "Yes Sir," was considerably subdued but she protested no
longer.  "Good luck," she said softly. 

"Thanks," Jack nodded.  He then shouldered his jacket and walked
outside, figuring he would get in a few hours walking before dawn. 
If he was lucky he'd find a motorbike on the way, those being the
preferred method of transport since cars were so easily spotted
from above.  He had a long way to travel.

The bike had died somewhere near Cuba but that was okay, because
Jack was fairly sure he wasn't going to find much gas out there
anyway.  Besides, the smaller towns were safe enough but he didn't
want to go roaring into Santa Fe and attract the wrong kind of
attention.  So he walked and he breathed and he endured the silence
while knowing it was better than the alternative.  

He'd lied to Major McKennit.  Jack wasn't going back after he'd
hooked up with Daniel - hell, he wasn't even sure he wanted to
bring Daniel back into all of that!  Besides, the two of them had
other plans.  Nothing had ever been spoken aloud but with Jack's
new knowledge there was nothing else they could do.  They were
going after Sam.

Jack had a pretty good idea of where she could be, after all, there
were only a few prison installations around the country - the Jaffa
having adopted a "shoot first, questions never" policy - and only
those who were readily identifiable as important were spared.  Part
of Jack still wanted to go racing off to save Sam right this minute
and he'd been feeling that way since he discovered the information,
but the rest of him was more rational.  There was little chance
he'd survive an assault on a well guarded prison alone and he
couldn't justify the expenditure of troops for one person.   No
matter how much that person meant to him.  Because in the greater
scheme of things, Sam Carter, even with all her knowledge, wasn't
that important and it was an acknowledgement that hurt every day. 

The other reason keeping Jack away was more sentimental.  If he
died there, who would know?  Worse still, Daniel would be waiting
for him.  Daniel, who knew he was alive now and who would forever
wonder what had happened to Jack.  Jack couldn't do that to his
friend.  Not even for Sam.

Besides, he rationalised, if Sam was in a prison then either they
knew she was useful, or they were hoping she was useful.  People in
Goa'uld prisons tended to be kept there for a time.  Jack could
only hope that he wouldn't be too late.  She was a soldier, he told
himself over and over.  She knew what was expected of her.  And if
he knew Sam, she'd been planning her own escape for quite some time
and was probably out already.

Jack could only hope as much.  Somewhere, a night bird called and
the shattering of the silence caused Jack to instinctively dive for
the ground.  He huddled there, moulding his body into the shape of
the shadows, but all too soon the silence reigned once again.  Jack
pressed his head to the dirt but heard nothing, not even the
thrumming of his own heart beat.  Maybe he was dead inside.  Maybe
there was no point in going on.

The past thirty days had been pure agony ever since his chance
meeting with Daniel: the success of one mission, the failure of the
next two, and all the while a secret countdown had been happening
in the back of his mind.  Countdown to reunion, to get even part of
his team back was better than the loneliness and the silence of
being a commander of himself alone.  The offer of leading everyone
just wasn't the same and could never be.  He needed people he could
count on to watch his back as he watched theirs, he needed people
who he knew so intimately they were like family.  He needed Daniel,
Sam and Teal'c.  Jack could get the first one back and maybe the
second and if he kept hoping long enough, they might be lucky
enough to find the third.  And it was this hope which was keeping
him alive.

Slowly, he crawled up from the dusty earth and glanced down, the
signs of his recent bonding with nature not even visible amongst
the multitude of marks and tears on his jacket.  There were even
spots of blood dating back who knew how long, the last legacy of
people who would never be remembered. 

Jack readjusted his pack and continued his silent walk, watching
the sky gradually grow lighter as dawn began to break over the
land.  Dawn on the thirtieth day.  It was somewhat fitting.  His
time in the desert was over and it was time to begin living again. 
He couldn't wait to see Daniel.  

---
End.

Part 4 to be posted tomorrow.