Hello League! This is the third edition of the League of Mad Scientist's newsletter from the desk in Deep 6 it's........... The E-Zine of Evil!!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +INDEX +Introduction (stupid monkey's got a red butt) +Page Info (what's new) & Who's in the League now? +Dr.Amy Smith's LAB REPORT (the effects of neon orange cheese snacks on a random segment of the population) +ElvisAliens, a brand new conspiracy theory by our very own Dr.Langstrom! +GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT (How to make any computer User-UNfriendly, By Dr.Dayton Keldon) +Evil Thoughts For Today =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Introduction: On a camping vacation with fellow League members me, Dr.Eudora Scully, Dr.Jacques Strapp (who make a cute couple, so I'm even bugging them in here about it. Cute cute cute! HA! But anyway....) and Dr.?, Tv's Bean got a horrible sunburn on her upper thighs and her butt (except for what was thankfully covered by her blue swimsuit). Now a running gag from the previous days was to say "stupid monkey's got a red butt" like Prof.Bobo did in that one episode with the throw-pillow eggplant evil pod things, and why? Because we're all very easily amused. But this was before Bean got that sunburn. Even further back still we called her a "finger monkey" (no not because of that, you pervert!) because when she's sick she acts like a huggy little spider monkey (those little ones that you always see hugging a person's finger and they're all cute and the size of a small rodent). But back to the camping trip.... We were all sitting around the fire that night after she got burnt, making a few sparse good jokes floating in a sea of bad ones and setting all sorts of things on fire, calling it neat-o and grooveariffic and funkmatic and other words of that ilk.... when the lightbulb of truth lit itself above my head. The world was quiet as my brain made that magical connection and it told me to shout out (and I did so everyone could hear me) "STUPID MONKEY'S GOT A RED BUTT!!!!!" Everyone cheered and clapped and told her this every ten minutes or so for the rest of the trip. It was completly beautiful. Dr.Elizabeth "Everybody's got something to hide, 'cept for me and my monkey!" Langstrom ps: after awhile she got really disgruntled and clothedly mooned anyone who said the stupid monkey line, but we continued to bug her throughly throughout the remainder of the trip and a few days after. If you too want to contribute to the halarity, (or lame-ness, whichever you think it is) feel free to say "stupid monkey's got a red butt" via e-mail at these addresses: wmeagher@ncia.com (the whole family's e-mail that I semi-claimed) and sillyrat@hotmail.com (her very own e-mail). Oh for fun! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Page Info (what's new?) & Who's in the League now? WOOO-HOO!!! We're in the AADGKA! Links directory! (-- Guaranteed to have more MST3K links than Deus Ex Machina! http://www.theworks.com/users/hamdingr/mst3000links.html) here's what it says: "League of Mad Scientists You always knew you were crazy. But this time, prove it to everyone. Become a mad scientist. Just click on the link... there you go... and find yourself magically transported into the world of lots of stories and info about the ever-growing League of Mad Scientists." And not only that, but Suzanne Yada and her several personalities, aka Dr. Spam and her Hamdingy Flying Monkeys, also known underground as Ralph the Wonder Llama and her Dancing Hitlers, who's our newest addition into the League, also maintains, is in charge of, rules, whatever else means owns, that fab-oo web site! YAY!!! We've also got Dr.Iggy Spamsonite (a very cool fellow) here's a sneak peak at his description: Favorite quote: "You're a bad man. A real bad man" -Billy Mumy, The Twilight Zone. Aaaaand we've got Tv's Jeff, who's web site is both probobally PG-13 rated (I think like everything's a movie, so sue me! Actually please don't. I really don't want to be sued.) and so not everybody will be able to read it (lock up the little kids and go there, it's really really funny). Kinda reminds me of the book "Brain Droppings" by George Carlin, but that could be because I'm sleepy and everything reminds me of either that book or tartar sauce. Who knows? The shadow knows. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- LAB REPORT: the effects of neon orange cheese snacks on a random segment of the population By Dr. Amy Smith This experiment could not have taken place without the help of Freako-Lay Potato Chips and the members of my youth group at the First Church of Mad Scientology. Thank you. This experiment was particularly devious as the subjects, recruited from the community by our youth group, thought they were simply going in for a Freako-Lay (name changed to protect identity) taste test. They were never told the true purpose of the "market research" and very few even suspected it. This is how it went: Subjects enter lab, where they are not allowed to make any noise at all, including sneezing, whispering, and above all breathing. If any such noise is heard, subject is sent to back of like at the DMV. Subject is strapped into a metal chair, which is very cold, and presented with neon orange cheese snacks. These things look radioactive, smell like ... really icky cheese, and have the texture of slime (it's the special "cheese" coating!). Do not let me understate the extreme repugnance of these nasty little critters. Just forcing people to look at these things would be evil enough for some scientists, but not I!! Oh, no, the subjects are next forced to eat the neon orange cheese snacks!!! ALL OF THEM!!!! If the subject shows any reluctance to eat, they are given a gentle prod with a Klingon Pain Stick (tm). Once subject has finished off the hundreds of crackers, they must answer approximately 6.02 x 10^23 questions on how well they liked the crackers - using a Macintosh! (Yes, more evil than was perhaps necessary, but sometimes I can't help myself.) If the subject ever answers truthfully, i.e., rates a cracker less than perfect, more gentle electroshock is used to remind them of the answers We Here expect. The ordeal, though only lasting a moment or so, has a lasting effect on a subject's life, as illustrated through my younger brother. At the sight of Cheetos, cheese balls, cheese, or even Wallace and Gromit tapes, he goes into violent shrieking fits and has to be sedated for his own good. I am happy to report that 99% of all test subjects react similarly! There was one notable exception, that of one Jeff Wolford, who actually DID like the cheese evils. Of course, he coaches OM, so it is safe to assume that he was not all well before testing began. (He's the guy that said that buffalo line in my .sig.) Let this be a warning to all you Mads out there - don't ever, EVER go to a taste test. It's a much worse experience than you could ever imagine. (Can you tell? - This was based on a TrueLife experience. ICK.) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- ElvisAliens- a conspiracy exposed by Dr.Elizabeth Langstrom Everyone knows of the severe change Elvis underwent between his limelight in the 50s and his reentry into the limelight in the 70s. Almost like they were two different people..... This article will help illuminate a completly unprovable theory of mine as to what REALLY happened to Elvis, and why he both is and isn't dead. The original Elvis was, in fact, not born on this planet. He was here for a vacation (the Elvi people having longer lifespans than us humans, and also being able to change shape so as to be "born" to human parents), whereupon his musical talent was noticed by Earthling society as being star material. He quickly rose to fame and fortune and and lived happily on this planet for years. Then one day, after Elvis had slipped out of the limelight, a fellow Elvi (which is plural for Elvis) happened along on this planet in the late 60s. He was here for woodstalk, which started him along on his rather sad tale of misbehavior. Eventually, our hero, the REAL Elvis found out about him, and like any good friend he played the role of designated driver and he returned the drugged Elvis back to their home planet. Before he did so, Elvis found and talked to one of his good friends who was one of the first elvis impersonators. This friend was coached for a few weeks until he got the moves and voice almost down, and he actually seemed pretty convincing despite how overweight he was. This overweight impersonator of Elvis replaced The King as soon as the alien Elvi left for their homes. This is why the Elvis we, the american people, know looked so different the second time he was really famous. He actually was a different person. The many other Elvi floating about places like Las Vegas are as far as I know all Earthlings who simply want to be like Elvis. This concludes the ElvisAliens theory. Comments are welcome, but non-believers might as well keep their false opionions to themselves, you false idea people you! This whole article must be taken with a big dose of whimsy as that was how it was meant to be viewed. Goodnight everybody! ----------------------------------------------------------------- GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT How to make any computer User-UNfriendly By; Dr. Dayton Keldon (warlord_wolf@hotmail.com) Computer sabotage has been an integral part of society. Ever since the days of MS-DOS, crafty and diabolical veterans have duped novice users into hopelessly ruining any chance of using their computers for anything productive. However, back then, the only way a computer could be effectively disabled without damaging any of the hardware was to sucker the newbie into formatting his/her C: drive, and eventually the thrill of the prank wasn't really worth having a 60-pound monitor chucked at your head. But now, in a time when operating systems confuse and confound even the most case-hardened cyberwarrior, it's become even easier to fold, spindle, and mutilate the unsuspecting computer user's software and render him/her a spineless, gibbering wreck (i.e., by attempting to install software, open a program, move the mouse, etc.). That is why I, Dr. Dayton Keldon, have devised this column. Now, you can learn some of the meanest, wickedest, and yet perversely hilarious schemes to sabotage your (soon to be ex-) friends' $2000 systems and cause Windows-induced pandemonium. [WARNING: I cannot and will not be held responsible for the effects and repercussions caused by actually performing these hijinx. That means if you actually do this stuff, don't come crying to me when you get a hard drive shoved up your nose. Thank you.] This little number is something I like to call: MIRAGE Here's what you need: *A computer installed with Windows 95 and Microsoft Plus! *Some type of program that allows you to get screen captures First, get ahold of the installation disks for the screen-capture program. Then, go over to your victim's house and tell him you just got this great program he just *has* to have. If he agrees, ask him to leave the room for a while so you can install the program undisturbed. Okay, now that he's out of the way, install the program. After it's all set up, use it to take a capture of the desktop (without any programs running, and try to put the pointer in a corner or something). Then set it up so the capture can be set as wallpaper. Can you see where I'm going with this? Next, go to the Control Panel, and set the capture as the wallpaper. Now, this is where the Microsoft Plus! part comes in. Click on the Plus! Tab at the top and select the Stretch Wallpaper to Fit Screen box. Apply it, OK it, and close the thing. Now, the next part is real easy. Just go across the desktop and DELETE all the original icons. Remember to empty the Recycle Bin, too. The screen capture makes it look like the icons are all still there, but since they're just really parts of the wallpaper, they won't work! Now, reboot the computer and let your victim back into the room. If he asks, just tell him the computer had to reset itself to finalize the installing. Now, tell him that you've got a really important engagement to attend to, and GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! I mean get as far away as humanly possible. This is because when he finds out that none of his icons work, he's gonna want to install a sound card into you where the sun don't shine! In retrospect, this is one of the few tricks that actually has a practical use. A whole network could do this to their own computers and convince the boss that their workstations are hopelessly screwed up and he'll have to buy better machines for the whole office! I can only imagine what would happen if I used my powers for good instead of evil. So, whaddaya think? Send your comments, questions, success stories, etc. to me at warlord_wolf@hotmail.com. And hey, if ya got a great trick you think's worthy of GPF, send it to me, too! I just might give you credit for discovering it, if I'm in a good mood, that is. -Dr. Dayton Keldon warlord_wolf@hotmail.com ----------------------------------------------------------------- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Evil Thoughts For Today: Bob Saget (that guy from America's Funniest Home Videos) has a wife and kids! Don't picture it, PLEASE! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- That's all for this edition! Again, I'd like to remind everybody that writing an article or a column would be EXTREMELY APPRECIATED for the following reasons: 1. I'm lazy and don't want to have to write all that many different things for it myself. 2. This way League members will be more in touch with the each other so that it's more like a conspiracy saturated secret organization and less like a poorly thrown dance where everybody just sits there looking at the wax on their paper punch cups. 3. It's one of the only places where you can write the word "spork" over and over and call it publishable.