Useless B5 History
January-June
The birth of G'putz. The first Narn telepath in centuries, it was soon discovered that G'putz could only establish telepathic communication with rocks. He became a crusader for "rock rights", and vigorously opposed "the senseless slavery" of rocks and stones for use in buildings and statuary.
January 4, 2247
The last known sighting of G'putz, as he "liberated" a limestone block from a construction site. Shouting "FREEDOM!!!" at the top of his lungs, G'putz fled with the stone into the night. The current whereabouts of G'putz (and the stone block) are unknown...
January 20, 2195
The "Wild Willy" incident took place on Centauri Prime.
Centauri scientists, working in an isolated island laboratory, sought to increase the breeding ability of their race. To this end, they genetically engineered a male--whom they dubbed "Willy"--who was endowed with ten, count 'em *ten*...attributes. But a chemical imbalance caused those...attributes...to fly out of control, and five lab assistants died after being impaled. An Emasculation Engineer by the name of L. Bobbitt was called in to deal with "Willy"; but, like the hydra of mythology, for every...attribute...Ms. Bobbitt severed, two more would spring up in its place. The scientists abandoned the island and slapped a quarrantine order on it, hoping its isolation would be enough to contain the menace.
Sixty years later, in 2255, a follow-up expedition discovered that "Willy" had apparently bred with the native fauna, creating a multitude of hybrid races--one specimen of which nearly knocked the expedition's shuttle out of the sky. The official report from that expedition still remains classified...
February 16, 2210
The development of the PPF gun.
A precursor to the PPG, the PPF (Phased Plasma Fudge) gun was designed to incapacitate its targets with bursts of chocolatey goodness. The project was abandoned when it was discovered that security personnel were constantly firing the gun into their own mouths. The technology was later sold to Baskin-Robbins, but their "Dodge The Fudge" promotion was a horrible failure...
February 20, 2250
Discovery of the "Temple Video" on Minbar.
Minbari archaeologists uncovered a mysterious fragment of video recording, while searching the ruins of an ancient temple. The video, estimated to be nearly a thousand years old, showed what appeared to be two white mice. The taller of the two was seen to wrap a piece of bone around the back of his head, tie it in place with a rubber band, then hop around, singing, "Look at me, Brain! I'm Delenn! La la la! If you value your lives, be somewhere else! Ha ha! Narf!" Whereupon the smaller mouse whacked the taller one over the head.
The video was stolen shortly after its discovery, allegedly by members of an ancient Minbari cult who viewed it as a holy object--though no incriminating evidence was ever found...
February 28, 2223
The trial of G'sole.
A down-on-his-luck shoemaker, G'sole was down to his last scrap of leather when, according to him, he woke up the next morning to find his shop full of shoes crafted from a remarkable new type of leather. He credited these shoes to a group of "elves" who came during the night. The shoes became immensely popular, and G'sole's fortunes were on the rise. Everyone raved about the remarkable leather of their construction. That is, until a customer came in one day, pointed at a pair of penny loafers and shrieked, "Aunt B'ertha!" before fainting dead away. Only then was it discovered that the shoes were crafted from Narn-hide. G'sole was quickly sentenced to life imprisonment...but to this day still maintains it was the "elves" who made the shoes each night. Some reporters have speculated jokingly if these "elves" are related to the "leprechauns" that some witnesses claim are responsible for the Mars riots...
March 9, 2240
The Battle of Rodne
The Vorlon Empire had sought for years to expand its holdings by annexing the outlying world of Nipseb, which lay on its borders. But they met with unprecedented resistence from the Nipsebians, so the Vorlons began construction of their first Planet Killer. Nipsebian spies learned that the construction was taking place near the forest moon of Rodne, and mounted a two-pronged assault. Courageous Nipsebian pilots, led by the enigmatic Bosco the Floating Head, flew *into* the superstructure of the not-yet-completed Planet Killer and destroyed it...While simultaneously, on Rodne itself, Nipsebian commandoes, with the help of the native spoo tribes, drove off the Vorlon shock troops...and thus secured their world's freedom, as the Vorlons finally abandoned all claim to Nipseb...
March 20, 1968
The first Vorlon/Human agricultural exchange.
The Vorlons arrived at a commune in northern California on this night, seeking to abduct several individuals for their own purposes. Upon revealing themselves, the Vorlons were surprised to discover that the local hippies welcomed them freely, inviting them to kick back, relax, and sample an unusual (from the Vorlon perpsective) substance known as "weed". The Vorlons did so, out of curiosity, and to their surprise found themselves rather fond of this "weed". So much so, that they chose not to abduct the hippies, instead offering a trade: a large supply of "weed" and several starter plants to take back to the homeworld, in exchange for a Vorlon plant that would provide unlimited food for the people of Earth. The trade was finalized, and the Vorlons departed. Whereupon the hippies immediately smoked the Vorlon plant...
The Vorlons cultivated the "weed" on their homeworld, and it soon became the dominant plant species. Over the next several centuries, as their dependence on the substance increased, the Vorlons gradually lost the ability to carry on a coherent conversation, usually speaking in bizarre fragments that only made sense to *them*. In fact, Ambassador Kosh was known to have had his quarters on Babylon 5 constantly filled with "weed" smoke, telling everyone it was methane so they'd have to wear masks and wouldn't be tipped to the ruse. The only person known *not* to wear a mask in Kosh's quarters, Lyta Alexander, was also frequently seen to have hugely dilated pupils, so one has to wonder why no one discovered the truth sooner...
March 21, 2260
Opening of the Valen "time capsule".
A Minbari aide to Jeffrey Sinclair, Rathenn, opened an ancient box left by Valen himself nearly a thousand years ago. Inside, he found two envelopes--one addressed to Sinclair, the other to Delenn--which he delivered, thus beginning the Babylon 4 incident. Unknown to most, Rathenn also found something else in the box: a frog outfitted with a top hat and cane. A frog that Rathenn *claimed* could sing and dance--but apparently only chose to do so when nobody else was around.
His obsession with the frog caused Rathenn to behave more and more erratically, and he became an outcast in Minbari society. When the headquarters of the Interstellar Alliance was being constructed on Minbar a few years later, Rathenn packed the frog back into the box and hid it inside the building's cornerstone. It was an act that apparently restored some of his sanity...though, for the rest of his life, the sight of any amphibian would cause his left eye to twitch uncontrollably...
April 2, 2012
The world-wide recall of the 1992 Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle.
Researchers onboard the International Space Station, for reasons never fully explained, conducted a series of tests to determine how well motorcycles would perform in an artificial gravity environment (artificial gravity having been incorporated into the station the previous year). All models sampled performed exceptionally well--except the 1992 Kawasaki Ninja, which was found to spontaneously explode after running for twenty minutes in artificial gravity. The exact cause of this phenomenon couldn't be determined, so in the name of public safety the company recalled every last Ninja, disassembled them, and scattered their parts to the four winds--with the hope that no one would ever be foolish enough to try and reassemble the hellish device.
April 18, 2255
The crash of the "Rebo and Zooty" website.
Citizens across the galaxy were stunned and frustrated when the website devoted to the popular duo Rebo and Zooty went down. One fan took his frustrations to homicidal levels, storming the headquarters of TNT Galactic and opening fire on the innocent workers. At his trial, he said he'd done it in an effort to "impress Claudia". His mind was wiped and replaced by the personality of Carrot Top.
April 24, 2230
The beginning of the Dilgar War.
The first interstellar war Earthforce became involved in started when an Earth ship encountered a Dilgar vessel carrying the Dilgar High Command. The Dilgar hailed the Earth vessel, whereupon the Earth ship opened fire, destroying the Dilgar. Later, the captain of the vessel--one P. Robertson--explained his actions by saying, "Dilgar? The name just sounds kind of pornographic! What else was a morally pure man supposed to do but destroy them?" Captain Robertson later resigned Earthforce and founded the 701 Club, so that he could live off of the charity of others without having to worry about holding down a real job.
May 5, 1999
First contact between the Centauri and Earth.
Contrary to popular belief, the first Centauri/Earth contact occured not in the twenty-second century, but near the end of the twentieth, when a Centauri exploration shuttle crash-landed on Earth. Dazed and confused, the pilots stumbled toward the nearest building, which turned out to be the Vidal Sassoon Academy. Immediately, dozens of black-clad men and women came rushing toward them, wielding scissors and clippers and bottles of mousse and gel. Shouting, "If you don't look good, we don't look good!", they set to work on the Centauri hair. The Centauri eventually managed to escape and fled back to Centauri Prime. Upon seeing the hairstyles inflicted on the shuttle crew, the Emperor decreed Earth off-limits until Earth had achieved a higher state of "hair-awareness". Though "The Rachel" hairstyle did become quite popular on Centauri Prime for awhile...
May 17, 2227
Sheridan develops his hatred for teddy bears.
A young John Sheridan was left at an aunt's house while his parents were away on business. A precocious youth, Sheridan was constantly "mining" his aunt's mailbox and front yard with cherry bombs. His aunt tired of this behavior and eventually locked Sheridan in a closet--a closet filled with her collection of talking Teddy Ruxpin bears. After seventeen hours of listening to their chatter, Sheridan emerged a bitter and somewhat crazed boy, swearing vengeance against all teddy bears for all time. "I'll space 'em all!" he was heard to shout, as the child psychologists dragged him off to the hospital.
May 26, 50,000 B.C
The Vorlon manipulation of the Drazi.
While other Vorlons tinkered with the telepathic enhancement of the lesser species, one Vorlon scientist, Skippy Naranek, instead sought to interbreed various species with fruits and vegetables. Taking the smooth-skinned Drazi and merging their genetic code with that of a pineapple, Skippy created the Drazi appearance known to all today. It's known that Skippy didn't leave for the Rim with the other Vorlons, but his current whereabouts are unknown.
June 1, 150 A.D
Birth of Honko Mollori
A Centauri nobleman of great esteem, Honko performed an unspecified favor for a visiting Vorlon ambassador; in return he was granted immortality. Honko, however, was a vain man, and as the centuries passed, he grew bigger and bigger hair--so big that eventually its weight pinned him to the ground. His hair currently reaches several stories high, and has been draped with numerous electronic components--turning it into the largest communications array on Centauri Prime.
June 21, 2255
The creation of the so-called Minbari Broadway Caste.
After becoming enamored of Earth musicals, some members from the various Minbari castes set out to forge their own group. Their stated goal was to wander around the galaxy, bursting into song and dance for no apparent reason whatsoever. Unfortunately, they weren't very good at improvising songs, their dancing was horrendous, and they were eventually hunted down and killed by the warrior caste.
June 30, 1300
The creation of the Great Machine begins.
Vorlons arrived on Epsilon 3 and instructed the residents to construct a computer system. Originally, this system started out as nothing more than a monitor and hard-drive; but as the centuries passed, a Vorlon representative would arrive every few years and urge them to add to the machine. The representative was a thawed-out human named Bill Gates, whose arrival was invariably greeted with the phrase, "Great, what do we have to add to the system NOW?"
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