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Three Bald Guys Review
Enterprise (Premiere)
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C in their usual seats in the theater balcony.)
GARIBALDI: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: Today we'll be taking a look at the latest installment in the "Star Trek" franchise, "Enterprise", starring Scott Bakula as Capt. Jonathan Archer, commander of Starfleet's first interstellar craft.
PICARD: Which travels at a screaming Warp 4.5. Oooooohhh!
TEAL'C: I detect a note of sarcasm.
GARIBALDI: Be nice, J.L.... Anyway, the story takes place a century after first contact has been made with the Vulcans, and humanity is on the verge of stepping out into the stars on its own--though the Vulcans seem less than thrilled at the idea. Things heat up when a Klingon crashes to Earth, pursued by a pair of bizarre aliens. The Klingon dispatches them, only to be shot down by a trigger-happy farmer.
PICARD: Which has *got* to be humiliating. He managed to dodge a pair of trained killers across probably half the galaxy, only to get popped by Jethro...?
TEAL'C: Indeed. The Klingon must be returned to his homeworld of Kronos, and Captain Archer decides this would be the perfect first mission for his new ship and crew. Saddled with a Vulcan first officer, T'Pol, they set out, only to run afoul of a dangerous, chameleonic race called the Suliban.
GARIBALDI: The Suliban have been causing all kinds of havoc in the Klingon Empire, apparently at the behest of someone from the far future--who appears only as a shadowy image. (he looks at PICARD) You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
PICARD: I might.
(They stare at each other a moment.)
GARIBALDI: Would you tell me?
PICARD: No.
GARIBALDI: I'll give you a dollar.
PICARD: No.
GARIBALDI: Would you do it for...a Scooby Snack?
PICARD: No.
GARIBALDI: Twoooooo Scooby Snacks?
PICARD: Well...Okay. It's The Doctor.
TEAL'C: From "Voyager"?! Why?
PICARD: (shaking his head) Better not to ask those questions. You should have seen what he did to Chief O'Brien when *he* got too nosy... (he shudders)
GARIBALDI: Wow. Well, getting back to "Enterprise", so that I don't wake up in an airlock...The show's kind of a mixed bag at this point. The good? I like the opening credits, kind of a mellow overview of humanity's progress and exploration--though the music could be changed. The spartan feel of the ship is a nice touch, as opposed to the plush-carpeted hotel atmosphere of later generations. (he looks at PICARD) No offense.
PICARD: None taken.
GARIBALDI: And we got to see our first "red shirt" get whacked by an alien. Though he didn't actually get killed. But still, I cheered.
TEAL'C: As did I. I myself enjoyed the small touches, such as the familiar chirping sound of the communicators, and the fact that the phasers are actually shaped like pistols, rather than dustbusters. And the nervousness of one of the crew--who worries over each bump and rattle, and wonders if it's even safe to be standing too near the warp core.
PICARD: She's right to worry. I mean, Geordi's been hanging out near the warp core for years, and he's sporting a couple of extra fingers, now.
GARIBALDI: Ewww!
PICARD: And you should see what it does to Klingons! Makes them lose their forehead ridges and everything--they look like the Klingons that Kirk kept running into back in the day...
TEAL'C: I *knew* there had to be a reason for that...
GARIBALDI: Okay, okay. Now--what *don't* I like about the show? Well, the characters are a bit thin at this point. I mean, what do we have? Among other things: a Vulcan science officer, a chief engineer with a nickname, and a weapons officer with an accent. Sound familiar?
TEAL'C: And that doctor--Doctor Phlox. He creeps me out.
PICARD: No kidding. He's got that big psycho-clown grin. Who wants to see *that* looming over the operating table?
GARIBALDI: Hopefully, future episodes will flesh out the characters more.
PICARD: Speaking of flesh, lets not forget that whole "decontamination" scene between T'Pol and "Trip". Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
GARIBALDI: Correct me if I'm wrong, J.L., but that scene's got to be the most blatant instance of "nipplege" in "Star Trek" history...
PICARD: No argument, here.
TEAL'C: She should really be careful with those. She could put someone's eye out!
GARIBALDI: (turning back to the camera) So what's the final verdict? Well, "Enterprise" has good performances--particularly Scott Bakula--and good effects. Hopefully, they'll work a bit more on the characterization. I'm willing to give it some time. So, I'm giving it three stars out of five. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I give it two-and-a-half stars. Picard?
PICARD: Oh...let's say two-and-a-half stars.
GARIBALDI: And that'll do it! Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD, and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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