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Three Bald Guys Review
Planet of the Apes (2001)
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
TEAL'C: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: Today we shall be taking a look at Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes". This has generally been called a remake of the 1968 Charlton Heston classic, but I do not really see it as such. The core premise is the same, but this one veers off into its own territory, and should be judged on its own merits. It stars Marky Mark Wahlberg as an astronaut involved in training monkeys to pilot space capsules. When one of his charges disappears into a galactic, swirly, electromagnetic storm thingy, he disobeys orders and heads off on a recovery mission.
PICARD: But, proving that Marky Mark is nothing without the Funky Bunch backing him up, he winds up getting caught in the storm himself and crash landing on a planet ruled by talking apes. Which happens more often than you might think. I remember this one time, Commander Riker and I--
(PICARD breaks off when a faint ringing sound is heard. GARIBALDI pulls a cell phone from his pocket.)
GARIBALDI: (into phone) Yeah? Uh-huh...Uh-huh...No. No! I want throwing stars with the "peace" symbol etched into them. Good. Later. (he hangs up, looks at PICARD) Sorry. You were saying?
PICARD: (sparing GARIBALDI a frown) Once on the planet, Wahlberg spends the rest of the movie trying to get away from the apes and off the planet. Along the way he gets talked into trying to save the subjugated humans, by a woman who's remarkably well-groomed for a renegade slave.
TEAL'C: The storyline is pretty straight-forward on this one--there isn't a whole lot of "meat" to the tale. But it isn't particularly bad. Except for the ending, which, quite frankly, made absolutely no sense--and has no connection at all, at least that I can see, to the rest of the film. I--
(The phone rings again, and GARIBALDI pulls it out.)
GARIBALDI: (into phone) What? No, I want the outfit to be paisley. Or maybe tie-dyed. Use your own judgement. That's what we're paying you for, right?
(GARIBALDI hangs up, looks at the others, who stare back.)
GARIBALDI: (Gesturing to the phone.) Just a little side gig I've got going.
(They sit in silence for a few moments.)
PICARD: Okay, I'll bite. *What* side gig?
GARIBALDI: Well...What's the one thing people love watching on T.V. the most?
PICARD: Uh...
GARIBALDI: Hippies, right? Right! Now, what's the second most-loved thing to watch?
TEAL'C: Ummm...ninjas?
GARIBALDI: Exactly! Put 'em together, and you've got "Hippie Ninja"! Born amidst the chaos of Woodstock...raised on a northern California commune by a sect of vegan Japanese monks...he defends Bogart City against the evil of arch-villain The Man! He is the brown weed! He is...Hippie Ninja! Vengeance with a laid-back attitude!
(PICARD and TEAL'C exchange a look.)
PICARD: (to TEAL'C) I'll go get his medication...
GARIBALDI: Hey, laugh all you want, but I just sold this concept to UPN for seven figures.
PICARD: You're kidding.
GARIBALDI: Nope. They said this show will be *almost* as big as "Baywatch Nights"...
TEAL'C: That's impressive.
GARIBALDI: I know. We've already got Hasselhoff lined up to sing the theme song.
PICARD: Is he starring in it?
GARIBALDI: Nope. We decided to go with Tom Brokaw.
PICARD: Tom Brokaw. As a hippie.
GARIBALDI: *And* a ninja. He wanted to move beyond that whole "respected newscaster" stereotype.
PICARD: (shaking his head) I will never understand Hollywood...
TEAL'C: Anyway, speaking of "Planet of the Apes"...
GARIBALDI: *Were* we speaking of it?
PICARD: I seem to recall so--at some vague, distant point in the past...
TEAL'C: The film doesn't give you a whole lot to sink your teeth into, but the performances are good, and the special effects are fine. I give it two-and-a-half stars. Picard?
PICARD: I give it three stars. Just make sure you leave the theater before that weak, weak ending. Michael?
GARIBALDI: Uh...actually, I didn't see it.
PICARD: What?!
GARIBALDI: Hey, man, I've been busy with "Hippie Ninja". Cut me some slack.
TEAL'C: (rolling his eyes) Until next time, I am Teal'c...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
GARIBALDI: And I'm--
PICARD: --soon to be unemployed.
GARIBALDI: --Michael Garibaldi, saying...
TEAL'C, PICARD and GARIBALDI: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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