Three Bald Guys Review
Star Trek Voyager: "Drone"
(Theme music fades, the lights rise to reveal a theater balcony. Sitting in their
usual seats are GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C.)
GARIBALDI: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
GARIBALDI: Today we'll be looking at the "Star Trek: Voyager" episode entitled "Drone". It begins with a shuttle mission to study one of those ubiquitous spatial phenomena Voyager's always running into. Torres, Paris, Seven of Nine and the Doctor run into trouble during the mission (which is a good thing, since this episode would have gone nowhere, otherwise), and are beamed back to Voyager. In the process, the Doctor's mobile holographic emitter is damaged. Torres assures the Doctor that she can repair the damage to the emitter and takes it to the lab to run a diagnostic scan.
TEAL'C: Torres gives this assurance despite the fact that the emitter comes from hundreds of years in the future. One would think she'd express at least a few doubts about being able to fix it.
PICARD: That kind of logic hasn't always been "Voyager"'s strong suit, though...
GARIBALDI: Left alone in the lab, the emitter then merges with the diagnostic computer, eventually reconfiguring it into a Borg maturation chamber. You see, during the transport back to Voyager, some of Seven's Borg nanoprobes fused with the Doctor's mobile emitter, the result being a twenty-ninth century Borg, who begins life as an infant in the maturation chamber, rapidly growing to full maturity. Personally, when we first saw the Borg baby, I was kind of hoping it'd hop out and dance around like that baby in "Ally McBeal"...
PICARD: You too, huh?
GARIBALDI: Anyway, once it's reached full maturity, Janeway decides to train the Borg to be an individual, hoping to achieve the same success she had with Seven. Despite its frequent requests to learn about the Borg Collective, the new Borg, designated "One", does indeed begin to fit into the crew. Unfortunately, a Borg ship in the area learns of One's existence and comes to claim him. During the resulting conflict, One must decide if he will side with Voyager's crew, or ally himself with the Collective...(he looks at PICARD and TEAL'C) I don't know about you two, but I must say that, for myself, I rather enjoyed this episode. It stands above most of "Voyager"'s other fare. I was particulary impressed with Seven Of Nine's performance.
TEAL'C: (nodding, with a dreamy look in his eyes) She would make an acceptable mate.
PICARD: (eyeing TEAL'C) Riiiight. I completely agree, Michael. We haven't seen a motherly performance this engrossing since Mork laid that egg in "Mork and Mindy"...Seven did a great job in this one.
TEAL'C: (even MORE dreamy-eyed) She would make a VERY acceptable mate...
GARIBALDI: (rolling his eyes) Oh, right. Like you'd ever have a chance with her. Give me a break.
TEAL'C: I'd have a better chance than you...
GARIBALDI: Oh, yeah?
TEAL'C: Yes.
GARIBALDI: You are the most delusional--
PICARD: Enough bickering, you two. Besides, with me around, you two wouldn't stand a chance with her.
TEAL'C: And why is that?
PICARD: (with a sly smile) Because *I* have a British accent. Chicks dig that.
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C ponder his words, then nod acceptance.)
GARIBALDI: Good point.
PICARD: (with pointed looks at GARIBALDI and TEAL'C) Back to the review, then...As good as this episode was, I have to admit that whenever I heard One speak, I wondered if I'd somehow switched channels and was watching some twisted episode of "Frasier" on NBC. One sounded just like David Hyde Pierce...
GARIBALDI: No kidding. "I am Niles of Borg. You will be assimil-- Maris?"
TEAL'C: I, myself, had to wonder about the safety of the transporter systems. Considering how often these accidents seem to occur, I'm surprised any crew member wants to use them any more.
GARIBALDI: They're like "Hybrids R Us"...
PICARD: They're not all bad. I was reverting back to childhood temporarily by the transporters. Got my hair back! (he smiles)
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C glare at PICARD)
GARIBALDI: (darkly) I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that...
TEAL'C: (just as darkly) As will I...
PICARD: (hurriedly) Hey, I spent the whole episode trying to get back to my adult body! I wanted to be bald again! Really! I'm the chrome-dome king! Rogaine's the Devil's work!
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C don't look completely appeased, but continue on.)
GARIBALDI: (turning back to the camera) Be that as it may, I found this episode to be very enjoyable. I give it four out of five stars. J.L.?
PICARD: I give it three-and-a-half stars. And I LOVE being bald! I do!
TEAL'C: (with a glance at PICARD) I also give it four stars. Quite entertaining.
GARIBALDI: So, until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
PICARD: (quickly, beforee the lights fade) And I really do enjoy my baldness! Really!
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