Three Bald Guys Review
The Last Starfighter
(Theme music plays, lights rise to show GARIBALDI, PICARD, and TEAL'C in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
TEAL'C: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: And I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: Today we shall be reviewing a classic film from 1984, "The Last Starfighter", starring Lance Guest, Robert Preston, Dan O'Herlihy and Catherine Mary Stewart.
GARIBALDI: The only woman I know with three first names. Though one of them is a man's.
TEAL'C: Guest portrays Alex Rogan, a young man living in a trailer park who dreams of a better life. He's also an ace videogame player, and boyfriend to Stewart's character, Maggie. One night, Alex achieves the high score on his favorite game--an event which really starts the ball rolling on this fun film. For you see--
PICARD: (interrupting) Fun? That don't even *begin* to describe this one, homes! Yo, check it! Back in the day, me and my homey Crusher--I called him C-Dog, 'cause we were tight--we were chillin' on Starbase 6 when this flick came out, see? So I says to C-Dog, "Yo, let's round up the posse and check it out, 'cause I hear it's got this fly chick in it and smokin' effects and--"
(PICARD breaks off when he notices that GARIBALDI and TEAL'C are just sitting there staring at him.)
PICARD: What up?
GARIBALDI: What the HELL is wrong with you?
PICARD: Yo, G-Funk! I'm just trying to review this dope flick, see?
TEAL'C: Picard, you're frightening me.
GARIBALDI: Yeah, what's the deal, J.L.?
PICARD: (sighs) Oh, all right! I'm just trying to improve my ratings among the younger viewers. I was looking at our show's demographics the other day...and I wasn't too pleased.
TEAL'C: Why not?
PICARD: Because I'm apparently scoring my highest numbers among pregnant Bolivian hermaphrodites.
GARIBALDI: Hey, hey! That's nothing to be ashamed of. Roger Ebert would kill to crack that demographic.
PICARD: Really?
TEAL'C: He's right.
GARIBALDI: Hey, since you brought it up...what are my numbers looking like?
PICARD: You're rating highly among males aged eighteen to forty-five.
GARIBALDI: (nods) I can live with that. What about Teal'c?
PICARD: Teal'c...seems to be doing extremely well among leggy lingerie models.
TEAL'C: Woo hoo!
GARIBALDI: (to TEAL'C) I hate you.
TEAL'C: Getting back to the review, if I may...Alex Rogan achieves the high score on his game, resulting in a visit from a fast-talking huckster named Centauri, played by Robert Preston.
PICARD: Who, it turns out, can remove his human-like face to reveal a red-eyed lizard guy underneath.
GARIBALDI: Which is kind of odd, since you usually only find those types in politics...
TEAL'C: Centauri whisks Alex off to the planet Rylos, where he discovers that the video game was nothing more than a test to find suitable Starfighter candidates--and that he's just been recruited to defend the Star League against Xur and the Kodan Armada. Of course he doesn't want to, but a visit from an alien bounty hunter convinces him otherwise, and along with his navigator Grig--played by O'Herlihy--he flies out to fight the villainous Armada and save the day... Now, I must say that I enjoyed this film immensely. A likeable hero, evil villains, exciting battles--and even if the effects have long since been eclipsed by newer technologies, they're not that shabby.
PICARD: Especially given the limitations of the time...
GARIBALDI: Forget the effects! What's really important here is that the baldness quotient is THROUGH THE ROOF! You've got not just one, or two, or even three bald guys here--you've got an entire RACE of bald folks here, men and women both: the Rylans! And is it any coincidence that it's the bald folks that are in charge of Starfighter Command and saving the galaxy? I don't think so!
TEAL'C: Even the villain is bald. And with his jumping in the escape pod like that, the door *was* left open for a sequel...why nothing was ever done with that is beyond me.
GARIBALDI: Talk about you missed opportunities...
PICARD: Agreed. We haven't seen Hollywood corporate stupidity this bad since...well, actually, we pretty much see Hollywood corporate stupidity like this every week, don't we?
TEAL'C: (looking into the camera) Ladies and gentlemen, I think you'll enjoy this film quite a bit. I have no problem giving it four out of five stars. Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: Four stars from me, too. Fun stuff. A good old-fashioned popcorn movie. J.L.?
PICARD: Three-and-a-half from me.
TEAL'C: There you have it. So, until next time, I am Teal'c...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
TEAL'C, GARIBALDI and PICARD: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
TEAL'C: And a special goodnight to all you lovely lingerie models. (he winks)
GARIBALDI: (as the lights fade) Oh, shut up...
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