Title: Don't Go Away
Email feedback to: mulders_girl42@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Category: Angst, Character Death
Author's Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/mulderz_girl
Archive: Yep! Just let me know :)
Spoilers: Gethsemane, Redux/II
Summary: Mulder's thoughts on Scully's cancer relapse
Disclaimer: As much as I wish, I do not own Mulder and Scully. They belong in the hands of CC and crew. I have used some Oasis lyrics without consent. They are also not mine. Please don't sue!! ;)
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She lie there. Giant circles rimmed the bottom of each eye. Sunken. They were sunken... sinking... yet still such a gorgeous, clear blue. She lie there. Dying. She was dying. The word seemed so foreign. So unreal. They had faced death so many times. Countless times they had gazed into the chilling depths of death's core, only to eventually emerge unscathed.
This was it. He had denyed and repressed his feelings of her mortality long enough. There would be no escaping from the brinks of death. This time she was dying, and there was nothing he could do to save her. The doctors had told him there was almost no chance of her survival. He had learned long ago not to put his trust in anything a trained medical professional had to say. This time he just knew. He knew she wasn't going to make it through. It was just a sick feeling he possessed deep in the pit of his stomach.
A relapse in her cancer was what had brought her back here. She had not long ago gave up talking. It was too painful for her to try and form the words.
He gazed down at her pale face and watched, as now, in spite of everything, she smiled. Mulder returned the smile, yet his was a smile of shock and relief at her display of emotion. He had been pacing her bed and recalling stories for hours on end, starting with the day they met. He had just reminisced about their baseball lesson together. And she smiled. This was a smile he would store in his memory. This was a smile he would capture and hold on to within the depths of his mind, which hosted a vast chronologue of her witty remarks, soothing words, and enigmatic smiles.
Her smile faded as a couple of nurses entered the room. One stepped forward, pushing past Mulder. "Excuse me, sir. I need to draw some blood." Her tone was rushed and professional. Mulder knew the view this nurse had of Scully. He knew that, to her, Scully was nothing more than a soon to be statistic. She was just a body wasting precious hospital space and money. Mulder sighed and turned his head, facing the second nurse who stood in the doorway. She gave Mulder one of those "I'm so sorry" smiles. Mulder smiled back, taking a bit of reassurance at her concern.
The nurse who was drawing the blood finished up her work, pushing past Mulder a second time and joining the other nurse by the door. He watched after them as they left the room together.
Mulder turned back to his ill partner and, resting his hand upon her forehead, asked "You okay, Scully?" She nodded slightly and closed her eyes. Mulder let his hand drop to his side and studied her for a moment. She was so small. She looked so fragile. Then, as she drew in a deep breath and her eyes remained closed, she looked almost... peaceful.
Mulder dropped his voice to a whisper, and spoke her name. "Scully?" There was no response. She had drifted to sleep. Mulder grabbed a nearby chair and placed it beside Scully's bed. He sat down, watching her sleep. He remained seated for hours, watching her chest rise and fall with each breath.
His mind raced with thoughts. He closed his eyes, placing his hands over his face and trying to recall a song he had heard only months ago.
"Don't go away
Say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day
In the time of my life
...I need more time
Yes, I need more time
Just to make things right..."
As the words came flowing back to him, his eyes stung with tears. The song had made him cry the first time he had heard it. He was never one to cry at songs, but the words were so true... so real... that they stung with bitter irony.
Mulder was startled by a sudden rustling beside him. He raised his head from his hands to see Scully facing him, her eyes open. She was awake. Mulder smiled, and spoke softly "Hi."
As she continued to watch him, her blue eyes began to well up with tears. "What is it, Scully?" Mulder asked, trying not to make his extreme concern too evident. She motioned for a pen. He pulled a ballpoint pen and a small notepad out of his jacket pocket.
She grapsed the pen, her hand shaking as she pressed the tip to the paper and scrawled the word "scared".
Mulder placed his hand under her hair, pulling her to him as he pressed his lips against her forehead. He held her as she cried and he cried as he held her. "Me too," he thought. "Me too."
*** *** *** Mulder was suddenly awakened by a brisk tapping on his shoulder. He had slept the whole night in the chair beside Scully. "You'll have to excuse us, sir. It's time for Miss Scully's bath."
Mulder nodded, rising from the chair and rubbing his eyes. He stepped outside the room, resting his body against the wall. It saddened him to know that his once so independant partner could now not bathe herself.
He checked his watch. It was still quite early. He was restless. Feeling rather like a child, he fidgeted, tapping his head gently against the wall behind him. He could hear Scully wimpering in her room. He felt so bad. He wished for nothing more than an end to the pain she had to endure.
It was his fault. It was due to him that she was there. It was his fault that she was dying. It was his fault that she was in pain. This wasn't her quest. It was his. Why did she have to be assigned to work with him? Why did she continue to follow him? Why did she have to die? Tears spilled over his cheeks as he tried to come to terms with her illness and impending death.
He felt a bit selfish as he continued his line of thought. He was so greatful that she had stuck with him. He was so appreciative that she believed in him. She didn't necessarily believe him, but she always believed in him. Even when the world was against him, she stayed by his side. She was always his human credential. And he was so greatful for her life.
His thoughts were interrupted by a loud cry from Scully's room. "Code blue! Crash carts!" Mulder rushed into the room, his mind racing with thoughts. No! This couldn't be happening! Not yet! He didn't get a chance to tell her how much she meant to him.
He looked down at Scully. Her face had taken on an unnatural ash-grey colour. He looked up to the flustered nurse. "What's happening?" he demanded.
"She's flatlining!" the nurse responded, motioning to the machine monitoring Scully's heartrate. It emitted a loud, continual buzzing.
Mulder ran to Scully and took her lifeless hand. "Dana, can you hear me? Scully! Answer me, Goddamn it!" Tears streamed from his eyes. He was oblivious to the doctors entering the room with crash carts. They pushed the carts in between Mulder and the hospital bed.
The frenzied doctor screamed "Clear!" as he applied the instrument to Scully's chest. She convulsed. "Scully!" Mulder screamed, taking a step towards her. He was restrained. The doctors shocked Scully several times, to no avail. Mulder's voice broke "Scully?"
The head doctor stepped back, grim-faced. "Record time of death; seven thirteen A.M." A nurse instinctively pulled out a clipboard and recorded the time.
The doctors moved towards the door. One patted Mulder on the shoulder. "We're sorry, sir. We did everything we could." Mulder didn't hear. He paced over to Scully's bed.
He took her hand, and barely audibly, said "Scully, I'm sorry. I hope you can hear me. I hope you know I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. Ever. I'm so... so sorry." His voice broke. "I want you to know that you are I the reason I've kept on... kept... living. There were so many times... so many reasons, that I could have given up. The fact that you would... that you would believe in me, lead me to think there was more to my life than I realized." His voice dropped to a whisper "I love you. I hope... wherever you are... you can here me." He bent over to kiss her ashen-grey cheek, and noticed her opposite fist was clenched.
He reached to loosen the grip on her fist, revealing a crumpled piece of paper. He unfolded it. Scrawled in the same writing as the previous day was the word "love". His eyes filled up with tears once again, which he didn't attempt to conceal as they spilled over his cheeks.
~~***THE END***~~~
Don't Go Away
By: Oasis
A cold and frosty morning
There's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning
My plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
And I wanna be there
When you're coming down
And I wanna be there
When you hit the ground
So don't go away
Say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day
In the time of my life.
'Cause I need more time
Yes, I need more time
Just to make things right
Damn my situation
And the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education
I can't find a word to say
About the things caught in my mind
...
So don't go away
Say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day
In the time of my life
'Cause I need more time
Yes, I need more time
Just to make things right
