One Woman's Place (VOY J/C PG-13) By Ancarett (ancarett@hotmail.com) Summary: Conversations help Kathryn resolve her ambiguous personal and professional status. Set after "Unforgettable." Acknowledgments: The characters and universe belong to Paramount/Viacom. Inspiration for this story stems from conversations with other Voyager fans, especially the members of JetC14! The concluding quote is from Charlotte Bronte's "Jane Eyre" chapter 38. I don't know quite why I'm doing this to myself. Here it is, 0100 hours and I'm still roaming the ship, restless and unable to sleep. I've been through most every deck tonight. That's not unusual. The crew's used to seeing me "survey my realm." But the late hour raised a few eyebrows in engineering. But no one is impolite enough there to question the captain. At least not while B'Elanna's off duty. Lord knows, I didn't plan to be haunting the corridors at this late hour. I tried to lose myself in a holoprogram tonight, but for the first time, Maestro Leonardo was unable to hold my attention. When he remarked on my wandering mind for the third time, I bid him a polite farewell before he could question further the reason for my distraction. Her. Already memory of her is fading from my mind, a fading that I should embrace and invite. Wasn't it Shakespeare who wrote: "To die, to sleep - to sleep perchance to dream -?" If I only surrender to sleep, the last memories will die and I will be free. Free of torments, anger and doubt. Free of memories of them, together. But there is some part of me that refuses to let go. Images of a blonde head nestled close to his dark features. I spied them together in the messhall. Heard their intimate laughs. Saw his smile. Damn. It was hard enough before. With Riley. How the hell am I going to manage now? "The answer's simple," the scientific, rational part of my mind assures me, "simply sleep. The last vestiges of memories of Kellin, the Ramurans and Chakotay's love will disappear. Everything will go back to normal." Will it? Will I really wake, wash and proceed to the messhall without a hesitation? Will I be able to sit down across the table from Chakotay and tender that friendly, but somewhat distant smile I've always managed before? Won't something of this linger, somewhere deep? Can this river- deep sense of loss be mended magically by an alien touch? Somehow, I don't really believe that things will be that easy. Tonight, as I unconsciously take refuge in the verdant silence of the hydroponic bay, I try and come to terms with why it all hurts so much. Why seeing Chakotay happy, intimate with another woman feels like having my heart ripped from my chest? Because I love him. The answer's remarkably simple, but one that I've never allowed myself to say. Hell, even *thinking* it was hard enough. But tonight, I can grant myself that luxury for no memories of Kellin will survive the Ramuran purge. And it was Kellin who was the catalyst for all that I'm facing right now. Only because I saw them together can I admit to myself that I love him. That I hated seeing him with her. That I wanted it to be me, so badly, I stumbled back from the messhall doors without a word. Then I huddled in my readyroom until the command mask could be restored. Captain Kathryn back on duty. I thought I was fine. But Tuvok sensed there was something wrong. He invited me to his quarters for dinner. A kind gesture, and one I wished to take up yet I knew that his long knowledge of me would lead to . . . well, Vulcans are uncomfortable with emotions but damned sharp at ferreting them out. I didn't want to put my old friend in that kind of untenable position, caught between Starfleet protocols and his personal bond with me. So I excused myself, booked some holodeck time and tried to lose myself in Renaissance Florence. The light was extraordinary. Tuscany came to life around me, bathed in a rich golden glow. The river Arno sang under the Ponte Vecchio. Leonardo and I were supposed to pursue a new engineering problem. But it didn't work. So now, here I am in the hydroponics bay, hiding behind racks of purka melon plants, torturing myself. So much for Starfleet discipline. I should go to sleep. Damn, is that the door opening. My heart sinks as I hear Neelix's familiar, tuneless whistle. What the hell is he doing here at this hour? Doesn't that Talaxian ever sleep? I keep quiet in the back rank of the garden, hoping that he'll overlook me. No such luck. "Why, captain! Whatever are you doing here at this hour?" The familiar spotted face peers through a veil of velvety purka leaves. "Just checking things out, Mr. Neelix," I manage. I gather my body for a strong, commanding exit when his voice intervenes. "Care to talk about it, Captain?" I stop despite myself, stiffen. Carefully, I turn and face him, the ridiculous, dear fellow clutching a basket of fruits in front of him. "Talk about what?" "What's bothering you." "Nothing's bothering me, Mr. Neelix. Now, good night." Good; polite but firm. That should squelch any further questions on Neelix's part. "Well, if you won't talk to me, maybe you would talk to Commander Chakotay?" I stand transfixed, unable to move. Neelix takes my silence as consent to continue and begins to babble on as his hands harvest fruit for his produce basket. "I left him in the messhall just a bit ago. He's there, writing with paper and pen. I think he's writing about . . . now, what was her name? Ah, that's right, Kellin. Sad to think that tomorrow, when we wake up, we won't even remember her. Don't you think so, Captain?" His rhetorical question begged no answer. That was a good thing since I don't think I could have answered him at all. He stepped down the row of plantings, harvesting some herbs and continued his monologue. "It was so nice to see the Commander happy like that. He's such a nice fellow, you know. And I've always wished him the best. But he's been so unlucky in love. . . not like me! The time I had with Kes was wonderful. I cherish every memory of our time together. Memories are so important. And the poor commander won't have any, except, of course, for what he writes down." Panic floods my body, pouring itself through every vein, every pore. Writing? Chakotay is writing a pen and paper log of this time? Will this rout the Ramuran's highly touted memory erasure? He's going to remember her after all? I could almost laugh if I didn't feel like crying. Slowly, stiffly, I begin to back up towards the door. Neelix keeps chattering away as he fills his basket. "I wonder, though, if they really were in love. Kellin and Chakotay, I mean. You know, with Kellin he really just seemed to be in love with being in love, if you know what I mean. They didn't really have a lot in common, except for her wanting them to BE in love. If things had turned out differently, and Kellin had been able to stay with us on Voyager, I'd have been surprised if they'd stayed together very long." A part of me seizes on his words. Another part scoffs. Poor Kathryn, so desperate that she'll even take Neelix's word on matters of the heart. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! As I stand frozen, Neelix looks up from his burgeoning basket. "You know, Captain, you should go to him." "What?" I manage. So much for command composure. "It's you he really needs." "Mr. Neelix, I have *no* idea what you're talking about," I bark, using my best captain voice. There, that should stop him going down that dangerous road. His puppy- like eyes meet mine. No such luck. "Why, Captain, after all our years together on this ship, I'm hurt that you'd think I didn't know that you're in love with Commander Chakotay. And, deep down, I know that it's you he really loves." My eyebrows must have reached the high ceiling of the bay. In my most arctic voice, I declare, "Mr. Neelix, I am going to pretend that I never heard any of this." He sets the basket down on the table and steps forward entreatingly. I've rarely seen his expression so serious. "You know, Captain, love is a very precious gift. We shouldn't hide it, waste it or destroy it. Don't let your rules and regulations get in the way. Here in the Delta Quadrant, years away from your Starfleet, you have to know when to bend the rules, or at some point the people will just break." I couldn't be angry with Neelix. He really meant well, but I couldn't do as he asked. In the end, I averted my eyes and demurred, "No, Neelix, I don't think so." The Talaxian sighed. "Whatever you say, captain." I could feel the disappointment in his voice. He didn't say anything more as I turned and finally left the hydroponics bay. Walking through the quiet corridors, I headed for the turbolift, intent on returning to my quarters. *Just ignore Neelix and go to sleep,* the safe, Starfleet part of my mind directed. Nevertheless, I found myself exiting the turbolift at deck two instead of deck three. The doors of the mess hall loomed before me. I admit, I almost turned tail and ran back to the turbolift and the safety of my quarters, but somehow, I found the courage to enter the room. There he sat in the far corner, hunched over some sheets of paper with a pen in his hand. He was slow to look up from his writing, but when he did his face showed a range of emotions from welcome to shock. Not letting myself stop to think, I forged ahead, weaving my way through the tables. As I approached, I noticed Chakotay gather up the papers before him, turn them over and cover them with his folded hands. "May I?" I asked, indicating the seat in front of him. "Please," he responded pleasantly. I sat, and wove my fingers nervously together. "So," I began uncertainly, then found myself unable to continue. I looked across the table and saw a grin quirk his lips. "So," he repeated, with a hint of mockery in his voice. "I'm sorry." I didn't think I needed to say about what. His eyes clouded over with . . . pain? Anger? "Thank you," he finally replied. He didn't sound happy, but why should he? Without thinking, I reached a hand over to touch the side of his face. "If it were in my power . . . ." I offered helplessly. His eyes closed and he momentarily leaned into my fingers, then pulled back sharply. His hands moved to gather paper and pen, but some sheets eluded him, floating lightly, maddeningly away from his grasp. Two landed on the floor beside my chair and I reached to retrieve them. Despite myself, my eyes focused on a single word: Kathryn. Caught, I couldn't help but read the words before me. ***** I feel like the most ungrateful son-of-a-bitch, but all the time Kellin was with me, telling me how much she loved me, I kept wishing I was hearing Kathryn say those same words, instead. ***** A flush poured across my cheeks. Damn this fair skin that belies so many polite fictions. There was no way I could pretend I hadn't seen this. "Chakotay," I began as he snatched the paper from my grasp. He stood up, forestalling my words, seeming ready to leave the messhall without saying anything more, but three steps away from the table he turned. Anger informed his every gesture as he faced me. "Damnit, Kathryn, can't you leave me with anything?" I felt my own temper rising. What the hell had I done that he was sniping at me! "Watch it, mister," I growled. He stepped forward so that we were almost nose to nose, bearing down his height and bulk in an effort to intimidate me. "Spare me the Starfleet protocols, Kathryn. I'm sick of them! When I'm off duty I'm not yours to order around." I could have snarled back at him; that was the automatic response rising to my lips. But something else tempered my words and actions. My hands unclenched and I cocked my head to one side, "Chakotay," I whispered, "how I've hurt you." Surprise flared in his gaze. Then all expression fled, leaving a stony stillness in its place. "I've had it, Kathryn. You opening the door, giving me a peek and then slamming it closed. If all you want is a friend, fine, I can manage that. But don't tempt me with anything more, not if you're going to say "no" in the end." I held my breath. Hope raged with fear inside me. Hope that he truly did love me with the fear of all that a relationship could bring to our situation. He read those familiar emotions on my face and his expression darkened. As he shifted to turn to the door I caught his forearm and held him fast. "What if I said "yes"?" I questioned. His eyes widened sharply. I reached my other hand up to stroke his cheek. "Will you still say yes tomorrow, or will Starfleet rules rear their ugly heads?" I laughed ruefully. "Well, I can't admit that it doesn't scare the hell out of me. The prospects for us, for our ship, if things go wrong between us, well, frankly, they're staggering. But I was talking with Neelix tonight, or, rather, he was talking to me . . . ." Chakotay essayed a tentative smile at Kathryn's vexed expression. "And?" he encouraged. "And he reminded me of something. That the wellbeing of people, all Voyager's people, are my responsibility. And that includes both of us. We can't go on living our lives by Starfleet protocols established for the Alpha Quadrant when we're going to spend most of the rest of our lives just getting back there." A smile began to transform his face as Chakotay listened to the words tumbling from my mouth. His arms stole around my waist, locking us into a loose embrace. I struggled to continue, to ignore the physical feelings that his closeness aroused. "I've broken Starfleet directives six ways from Sunday since we came to the Delta Quadrant, always with the best of intentions. But at the same time I've hidden behind the rules against fraternization. Not because that rule is more important than the others, but because it was easier and safer. Or so I thought. "But I was wrong. It hurts a lot more to see what you want, what you need, right in front of you and not be able to have it. It hurts a lot more when you think you've lost it forever." My gaze caught his commandingly, needing him to understand. His bittersweet smile assured me that he did. "I'm ready to take up the challenge I've been hiding from almost since the day you stepped on board _Voyager_. I'm ready to try. If it doesn't work, we'll have to find a way to manage . . . ." "It will work, Kathryn. We'll make it work." A radiant grin was transforming his face and he hugged me fiercely. I let go of my last doubts and fears and embraced him back. Neither of us heard the pen and paper fall from his hands, nor stopped to pick it up as we made our blind way back to my quarters. But the next morning at breakfast, Neelix slipped them onto Chakotay's plate with unexpected aplomb and wished us well. We gravely thanked him and adjourned to the corner table where we usually dined together. Chakotay folded the papers together and slipped them onto my tray. "Here." "What?" A hazy slip of memory brought a disquieting feeling to shadow my bliss as I looked at the papers. "No, take it. I was writing it last night when you came in. It's for you." Sure enough, I looked down at the first page and saw the salutation, "Dear Kathryn." Then I read on in silence while Chakotay sipped his coffee. I was perplexed at the account of recent events that didn't agree with my memories. Who was this Kellin? What was Chakotay writing about regarding her? But the rest of the letter was a heartfelt message I understood. I read on avidly, questions about Kellin slipping from my mind unasked. At the end, I looked up and met his gaze. "Yes." I said. The joy rose in his eyes. ***** Reader, I married him.