These are some of the good jokes and some interesting stuff that i have collected. And Cheers ! to the people who sent me these good ones...

At Heavens Gate
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but OK. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be OK, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man. "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator ..."

1999 Darwin Awards Finalists
For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards, these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use "occy" straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much information was available on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter* like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician who was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

KRAZY-GLUE RHINO
Although he didn't kick the bucket (hence runner-up), the following story receives an Honorable Mention. A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of Crazy Glue the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about three ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past 13 years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade, two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with more than 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
Even though the cleaning lady in this story didn't die (another runner-up because she doesn't qualify), she greatly aided several in hastening their trip to see the Almighty. "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system and a search for possible bacterial infection failed to reveal any clues. "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the death rattle and eventual solid beep over the whirring of her polisher. We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed."

MISC

A husband and wife were sitting at a coffee bar overlooking a golf course.
Wife to husband(reading newspaper):" When I die will you remarry
?" Husband: "No."
Wife: "If you remarry will you bring her to stay in our house?"
Husband: "If I do, yes."
Wife (begins to cry): "Then I know that you will let her have my golf clubs."
Husband: "Now, Now, Now, calm down. Don't worry, that will never happen because she cannot stand golf."

Man: "Darling, youre teeth remind me of the stars." Woman: "Because they gleam and sparkle?"
Man: "No, because they come out at night."

Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck 'er.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 !!

Man to Friend: Do you know how to make an idiot wait?
Friend: No.
Man: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Two idiots went out driving one day.
Said the passenger to the driver: " I get scared when you drive fast around the bends."
The driver: " Well, then do as I do."
The passenger: " What's that?"
The driver: " I shut my eyes."

A man was sitting beside a lake in the park, eating a ham sandwich. Nearby sat a woman with a dog. The dog smelling the man's sandwich, came over and began whining and annoying him.
"Do you mind if I throw him a little?" the man asked the woman.
"No, not at all," she replied.
So the man picked up the dog and threw it into the lake.


Two guys are walking in the Himmalayas when they see a bear coming down hill towards them ,one guy says to the other"
what do we do what do we do ,I hear that if we lie on the ground and play dead We'll be ok "
you can do what you want" replies the other " but I'm running" and saying this he starts running.
The other guy yells at him in a sarcastic way
" you think you can out run the bear".
" I don't have to out run the bear...I just have to out run you"....




NOTICE:

PLEASE NOTICE!!!!!

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.

It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by actual journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. .Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10 .Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11 .Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12 .Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13 .British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14 .Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15 .Eye Drops off Shelf
16 .Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17 .Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18 .Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19 .Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20 .Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21 .Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22 .Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23 .Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24 .Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25 .Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26 .Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27 .Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28 .Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29 .Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30 .War Dims Hope for Peace
31 .If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32 .Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33 .Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34 .Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36 .Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37 .Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38 .New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39 .Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40 .Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41 .Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42 .Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43 .British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44 .Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45 .Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46 .Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47 .New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48 .Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50 .Air Head Fired

MISC.

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

I read the examination question:
"SHOW HOW IT IS POSSIBLE TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF A TALL BUILDING WITH THE AID OF A BAROMETER."

The student had answered, "Take the barometer to the top of the building,attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up,measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."
The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one.

I excused self for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.
In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read:

"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^^2, calculate the height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.

For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units."

"A very direct method."

"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

"On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

The student was Neils Bohr and the arbiter Rutherford.