A long, long time ago - so long ago, in fact, that the word "galaxy" wasn’t even invented yet - eight fearless [Actual fearlessness may vary] Hero™’s defy the odds of coincidence and conveniently meet up with everything needed to become a true hero without ever having to even leave the comfort and safety of the copyright. In this eye-popping, spine-tingling, hair-raising, nostril hair-freezing, mayonnaise-induced episode, we join our controvertibly fearless adventurers as they challenge the evil of Shadar Logoth - City motto: "Stay a while...hehe."

Lan: [Whispering to the group cautiously] Shadar Logoth spaceport...You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
Rand: We’ll never survive!
Lan: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no-one ever has!
C-3P0: Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating a city such as this is approximately three thousand, seven hundred and twenty to one!
[The group steps carefully through the doorway and into the old, corroded city. Gravel crunches under their feet as they lead their horses carefully down the main street, looking around suspiciously]
Mat: Jeez...this dump sure ain’t nothin’ to write home about.
Perrin: Are you kidding? Look at the size of this place! Why, next to this, Emond’s Field looks like a little hole in the wall!
Rand: [Muttering] Emond’s Field IS a little hole in the wall...
Egwene: [Noticing the absence of human activity] Where the heck is everybody? 
Moiraine: Didn’t you see the sign back on the gate?
Egwene: No, I can’t say I did. Just a second. [Runs back to the gate and reads the small notice tacked to the wood.] [The words are spaced at irregular intervals, spread out over the page, faded and hard to read, with some halves of letters cut off.] [However, she can read the sign, with some difficulty...]
Sign: GO__N__E___F_|___SH ___IN’
Egwene: Oh...
Thom: Look closer, kid.
Egwene: [Peers closer at the sign] [She sees that letters were once where the spaces are, but have almost completely disappeared over time. By pulling out her handy magnifying glass (Yours today for only five easy payments of $12.99), she can baaaarely make out what the sign used to say...]
Sign: GO IN HERE FOR A SHOCKIN’
Egwene: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
C-3P0: Oh, this is suicide!
Rand: What? What?!
Egwene: T-the sign!
Rand: [Reads the sign] [Gasps]! And we’re staying here tonight?
Lan: [Grins evilly]
C-3P0: Oh, I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister...
R2-D2: Blip bop be-doop bipbip!
C-3P0: Oh, that’s right. [Turns to Lan] I should have known better than to tr- [Sees Lan’s towering form, grinning menacingly] Oh dear me. We’re doomed!
[The group continues walking. Suddenly, the party is halted by Lan, in front of a corroded white building.]
Lan: [Points at the building] Here’s good. Bring the horses in. 
Thom: [Sticking his tongue out at Lan behind his back] [Muttering disgruntled-ish-ly] Bring the horses in...bring the horses in! Bloody flaming warders can never bloody flaming do bloody anything their bloody flaming selves.
Perrin: [In awe over the size of the building they’ve decided to camp at; which is no doubt twice the size of the Stag and Lion...yet still one of the smallest in this city.] Blood and bloody ashes...
Thom: Watch your mouth!
Perrin: But you-
Thom: DON’T ARGUE!
Perrin: I’m not arguing!
Thom: Yes you are!
Perrin: No I’m not!
Thom: DON’T SHOUT!
Perrin: I’M NOT SHOUTING!!!
Thom: Yes you are!
Perrin: No I’m not!
Thom: Yes you...aaarrgh. [Storms away muttering angrily, and brings the horses in.] 

[The horses are brought in and stabled in a make-shift livery near the back. The huuuuge room will for now serve as a bedroom, and thus the tired wayfarers set up camp.]
Nynaeve: Listen - I hate you.
Moiraine: That’s nice.
Nynaeve: No, really - I hate you!
Moiraine: Your point being?
Nynaeve: My point being that I’m actually a very nice, considerate, and well-meaning person!
Moiraine: Telling me that you hate me is not a very effective way of proving that point...
Nynaeve: I wasn’t finished!
Moiraine: Would you like to finish?
Nynaeve: Yes!
Moiraine: Go ahead.
Nynaeve: I hate you!
Moiraine: Yes, I think we’ve established that.
Nynaeve: Have some herbs! They make you feel better!
Moiraine: Thank-you.
Lan: My, what a nice, considerate, and well-meaning person you are!

Mat: [Motions Rand and Perrin from the doorway] Psst! Hey guys!
Rand and Perrin: [Joins Mat outside the building]
Rand: [Exasperated] What now, Mat?
Mat: What do you think? Let’s go check this joint out! It’s bloody HUGE!
Perrin: Ummm...shouldn’t we tell Moiraine?
Mat: [Snorts derisively] Yeah, right. You may as well strap a leash around our necks.
Perrin: [Digs through his pockets, and pulls out a couple leashes.] [Fastens them around Rand and Mat’s necks.]
Mat: [Angrily snatches the leashes away from Perrin] I was kidding, you bloody flaming blob of gra... [Sighs] Nevermind...
Rand: Well, are we gonna go, or what?
Mat: Yah! [Tugs on Perrin’s sleeve]
Perrin: D-do you think it’s s-safe?
Mat: Safe? Who cares! This is a real city! With palaces and other miscellaneous dangerously unstable structures!
Rand: Yeah, and we might even stumble across the odd embodiment of evil disguised as a treasure hunter with a slight anger management problem scouring long-forsaken tainted cities for jewelry and other precious commodities!
Perrin: [Immediately brightening up] What are we waiting for?!
[The trio darts off into the city before Moiraine can say "ComebackorI’llshoveapitchforkupyourcollectivenoses!"]

[In and out of the empty, desolate, crumbling and corroded buildings they wander, searching for some sort of excitement, finding none, but themselves remaining excited nonetheless. Deteriorated portraits still hang on the occasional wall, and Perrin even finds a stack of chairs off into the corner - which falls to pieces upon his touch.] [But then...they come to an unlit tomb-like building at the end of a dark street...]
[Mat, Rand, and Perrin comb the dirty room. Eyes quickly adjusting to the dark, Perrin...] 
[...spots a severely damaged yet somewhat readable book on a dusty shelf into the corner.]
Perrin: Hey guys! Check this out!
Mat and Rand: [Wander over to Perrin, peering over his shoulder at the book he holds in his hand.]
Perrin: The writing’s hard to read - it’s pretty desperate looking. But...[Reads it out loud] Yesterday, being the tenth of November, Balin lord of Moria fell in the Dimrill Dale. He went alone to look in Mirror mere. An orc shot him from behind a stone. We slew the orc, but many more...up from the east up the Silverlode." I can’t make out what it says, it’s so blurred. I think I can read "We have barred the gates" and then "can hold them long if" and then perhaps "horrible" and "suffer". [Perrin turns the page, reads silently, and grimaces wryly] This is grim stuff. [Perrin shudders and continues on] "We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the Bridge and the second hall. Frar and Loni and Nali fell there." Something...it’s blurred... "went five days ago. The pool is up to the wall at Westgate. The Watcher in the Water took Oin. We cannot get out. The end comes" ...and then, "Drums, drums in the deep." Then... "We cannot get out. They are coming. We-" [Perrin brings his head up.] There is nothing more.
Rand: [Muttering] We cannot get out.
Mat: Drums in the deep...?
SFX: THRUM THRUM THRUM...
Rand: [Whips his head around to share a look of horror with Mat and Perrin]
Mat: [Whips his head around to share a look of horror with Perrin and Rand]
Perrin: [Whips his head around to share a look of horror with Rand and Mat]
Rand, Mat, and Perrin: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
SFX: DOOM. DOOM. DOOM.
[Suddenly, the loud hiss of the sound of the air brakes of large vehicular transport module being deployed is heard from outside...] [Strange, foreign gibberish floods the ears of the three teens.]
Perrin: [Eyes widening] They are coming...
Mat: [Glances towards the back wall, and then the now-blocked door.] We cannot get out!
Rand: I don’t have any important lines of dialogue to contribute!
C-3P0: We’re doomed!
R2-D2: Bee-bop deep dop bop blip whir whir wooooo-bip!
C-3P0: Goodness gracious me! You can’t be serious!
Rand: [Eyeing the door in fear as the footsteps draw closer] I’m too young to die! [He whimpers]
[Unexpectedly, without warning, abruptly, and all of a sudden...the doorway is filled with a teeming, yammering mass of dark-skinned, slant-eyed foreign individuals wielding cameras!]
Rand: JAPANESE TOURISTS!!
Mat and Perrin: RUN!!!!
[The camera flashes begin their lightning-bright eruptions, blinding the trio’s eyes as the shove their way through the mob, dart around the giant bus parked outside, and hurry into a nearby alley...]
Mat: [Leaning against the brick wall, sighs in relief] Whew! That was a close one!
Rand: I’LL say...[Rubs his blinded eyes]
Mat: [Shakes his head] Man, we almost DIED back there!
Perrin: [Clutching his chest, trying to regain his breath] [Pant, pant] [Pause] Let’s do that again!
Menacing Voice: How about you don’t.
Mat: [Gasp]! Who are you?
[It seems that someone has teleported the crew into a WWF wrestling ring...how odd. The trio now unwittingly stand in the centre of the roped ring, the attention of a screaming crowd clutching picket signs focused entirely on them.]
[A tall, well-built figure charges into the ring, yelling ferociously]
Man: My name’s Slopedown Scuzz! My friends call me Slopedown Scuzz!
Perrin: Slopedown Scuzz?? No WAY! You’re-
Slopedown Scuzz: I’m Slopedown Scuzz.
Announcer #1: AAAAHH!!! HE’S Slopedown SCUZZ!!!!
Announcer #2: You’re right about THAT one, Jerry. He’s Slopedown Scuzz.
Mat: What do you want?
Slopedown Scuzz: I want YOU, you...you...you no-good piece of doggy poop.
Announcer #1: OH my GOSH!!! HE’S...WHAT’S HE DOING??! I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING!!!
Announcer #2: I don’t know, Jerry, but the crowd is sure excited!
Perrin: Us? You want us? For what?
Slopedown Scuzz: To come to the Shadar Logoth Variety Show TONIGHT!!
Announcer #1: UH-OH!!! HE WANTS THEM TO COME TO THE SHADAR LOGOTH VARIETY SHOW!!! TONIGHT!!!!
Announcer #2: I don’t know if I like the looks of this, Jerry.
Rand: The Shadar Logoth Variety Show? Uh...I don’t know if we’ll be able to make it...
Slopedown Scuzz: MAKE IT. Or you’ll DIE!
Announcer #1: Did you hear that??! DID YOU HEAR THAT???! I WONDER WHAT HE MEANS BY THAT!!
Announcer #2: I don’t know, Jerry. I guess we’ll have to wait and see!
Mat: Where is it?
Slopedown Scuzz: In the east side, at the Old Coliseum.
Announcer #1: [Sobbing] OH, this is TOO MUCH!
Announcer #2: You’re right about THAT one, Jerry. This is too much!
Perrin: W-we’re busy tonight.
Slopedown Scuzz: You are...? Then...I’ll just have to...KILL THIS DROID!!!! [Picks up C-3P0 by the neck, gripping tightly and raising him up above his head]
Announcer #1: OH NO!!! HE’S PICKING UP C-3P0 BY THE NECK AND GRIPPING TIGHTLY AND RAISING HIM UP ABOVE HIS HEAD!!!! WHAT WILL HE DO NEXT???!
Announcer #2: I don’t know, Jerry. But the droid looks rather panicked!
C-3P0: Goodness me! The chances of survival are precisely six hundred and seventy-three billion to one! I’m doomed! Help! Help! Please, master Rand, help me!
Rand: I don’t know, Threepio...We talked it over with the committee before we started scripting, and, well...they pretty much decided that your existence in this script is almost exclusively subservient to your contribution of specific elements of humor and had nothing whatsoever to do with further plot development. Thus, as your usefulness diminishes, your presence begins to contribute nothing but superfluous inconvenience.
Announcer #1: WOW!!! DID YOU HEAR ALL THOSE BIG WORDS???
Announcer #2: I sure did, Jerry. Those were some big words!
C-3P0: Oh, I should have never signed that contract!
Slopedown Scuzz: [Prepares to hit C-3P0]
Announcer #1: HE’S GONNA HIT HIM!!! HE’S GONNA HIT HIM!!! DON’T DO IT!!! DON’T HIM HIM!! DON’T-
Slopedown Scuzz: [Hits him]
Announcer #1: OH NO!!! HE HIT HIM!! HE HIT HIM!!! I BET HE DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!! I SURE DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!! DID YOU SEE THAT ONE COMING??!
Announcer #2: I don’t know if I did, Jerry, but the droid appears to be in pain!
C-3P0: Oh, ouch! My [Insert scientifically electronic sounding word here]’s!!
Slopedown Scuzz: See you at the Variety Show. Or else. [Hurl C-3P0 across the ring.]
[The wrestling ring is replaced by the Shadar Logoth back alley yet again, and the three adventurers find themselves confused...]
Perrin: Um...
Mat: Uh...
Rand: Welll...I...guess we’d better get going, huh?

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[Meanwhile, back at the camp]
Nynaeve: [Sniff!] [Tug-tug!] Curse those boys...
Egwene: Where could they have gone to??
Moiraine: I’m gonna kill ‘em I’m gonna kill ‘em I’m gonna kill ‘em!
Lan: [Muttermuttermutter]
Thom: [Clutching a near-empty bottle o’ whiskey, staring blankly at nothingness, and with slurred speech, is singin’...] Ninety nine bottles of beer [Hiccup!] on the wall, ninety bottles of beer...take one down, and [Hiccup!] pass it around, ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety eight bot[Hiccup!]tles of beer on the wall...

Perrin: I think east is that way.
Rand: Are you sure?
Perrin: Yeah. Turn here....

Thom: Eighty-three bottles of beer on the [Hiccup!] wall, eighty-three bottles of beeeeer...
Nynaeve: [Sniff!] [Tug!]

Mat: Hang a left.
Perrin: What are you talking about?? We go right!
Rand: The map says we keep going. Maybe we-
Mat: Left!!

Thom: Sevn’y-fooooour bottles’ o’ beer on the waaaablhphbaal.... Sevn’y agaiu...blaaaahphhmphflumb o’ beeeer...[Hiccup]

Perrin: Is this it? I think this is it.
Rand: No, stupid! It’s still blocks away!
Mat: I think it’s over THERE...

Thom: Thirty-twooooooooo beers of waaaalls on the [Hiccup!] bot’l.
Lan: That’s it. I’ve had enough. I’m going to find them.

Mat: There it is!
Perrin: Are you sure?
Mat: Positive.
Rand: Hey, you hear that music?

Thom: Threeeeeeeeee [Hiccup] huzzzawaphhbabhlpaaaa...Zzzzzzz.

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[The trio enters the large, crumbling stone building...bright lights dance around to bouncy, happy carnival music. Suddenly, the lights dim to one spotlight roaming the room, looking for it’s target, accompanied by a continuing drumroll... ]
Voice Booming Through Speakers: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, kids of all ages...WELCOME!! TO!! THE SHADAR LOGOTH VARIETY SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
[The curtains on the stage part as a ma-
Warning! System error! Complete irrelevance detected! Shut-down sequence is imminent! 
SFX: THUMP. [Hisssss] Beep-bloop. [Decreasing whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine] SMASH.

[The screen is pitch-black, and nothing whatsoever can be seen.]
[Evil laughter floods the room and the trio shriiiiiieks in terror.]
Rand: W-what was that?
Evil voice: It
Evil voice: Was
Evil voice: ME.
Asmodean: You? NO!
Rand: W-who are you?
Evil voice: It’s debatable.
Rand: I see. A guessing game, eh?
Evil voice: Perhaps.
Mat: Are you Lorne Greene?
Evil voice: Don’t mention that name!
Rand: Are you Buddy Holly?
Evil voice: Do I look like Buddy Holly?
Rand: I don’t know. I can’t see you. 
Perrin: Are you the pope?
Evil voice: Wind and weather permitting.
Mat: Are y-
Perrin: Are you Snuffalufagus?
Maia: [Whispering to the Evil voice] Say yes! SAY YES!
Evil voice: Um...
Maia: SAY IT!!
Evil voice: Yes. I am.
Rand: No, you’re not.
Snuffalufagus: I know.
Mat: Well, who are you then?
Evil voice: I
Evil voice: Am
[Lightning crashes from the pitch-black sky, illuminating the dark shape of...]
Evil voice: MORDETH.
Rand: Mordeth! What are you doing here?
Mordeth: I’m hunting wabbits!
Rand: Wabbits? Dewe awe no wabbits in Shadaw Wogoth!
Mordeth: Yes dewe awe. Wun awong with me!
[Mordeth leads the three boys through the dark streets of Shadar Logoth, around a bend, into a dark building, down some dark stairs, down a dark hall, through a labyrinth of dark corridors, around another dark corner, and POOF!] [There, at the end of a torch-lit hall is a seriously large stack of dead rabbits.]
Mordeth: Wook! I’ve got a whowe piwe o’ wabbits!
Mat: [Gasp!]
Perrin: Those awen’t wabbits!
Rand: Those awe weasews!
Mordeth: Weasews, wabbits, wowms, wacoons...same thing. Wiw you hewp me cawwy them out to my twuck?
Mat: But...can we keep a couple? Please??!
Mordeth: Hewp youwsewf, pawtnew! 
Mat: DROP THE BLOODY FLAMING SPEECH IMPEDIMENT, ALRIGHT??!
Mordeth: [Softwy] Sowwy...
Mat: Now, we’ll help you carry these weasel on one condition: You give us a couple to take on our journey.
Mordeth: Journey? Where are you going?
Perrin: Caemwyn!
Mat: Pewwin! Dwop the wingo pwobwem!
Perrin: Wight.
Mordeth: Caemlyn, eh?
Rand: Yup! And boy oh boy, these weasels will sure help!
Mordeth: Alright. Grab an armload and I’ll show you the way.
Mat: [Immediately starts filling his pockets with weasels]
Rand: Hey, once we get to Tar Valon we ca-
Mordeth: Taw Vawon? TAW VAWON??! YOU SAID YOU WEWE GOING TO CAEMWYN! YOU WIED!!!
Rand: We-
Mordeth: THAT’S IT! YOU’RE ALL DEAD!! ALL DEAD!!!
Rand: [Breaking out into hysterical laughter] As opposed to only mostly dead? Hehehehehe! What’re you gonna do? Go through our pockets and look for loose change? Hahaha!
Mordeth: Why you bwoddy fwaming widdo bawws of wubbish! [Mordeth LEAPS towards the threesome, arms outstretched, then suddenly...]
[...disappears into a tendril of smoke, and floats through the wall.]
Rand: [Eyes wide, sweating profusely, backs up against the wall, breathing frantically] Okay, like, that was, like, scary!
Perrin: Let’s get outta here! Quickly!
Mat: No way! I wanna get me some of them weasels!
Rand: We gotta go, Mat!
Mat: JEEZ!! YOU GUYS NEVER LET ME HAVE ANY FUN!
Perrin: You gonna sit there all day stuffin’ your pants with weasels? LET’S GO!
Rand: Mat, drop the weasels and RUN.
Mat: [Shakes his head in disappointment] Fine. Be that way. [Empties his pockets of the weasels...or so they think. Hidden within a secret pocket in his left pant leg, is one last weasel...] 
Rand: Let’s GO, Mat!
Mat: Comin’...
[The three dart out of the building, and eventually find their way back to the camp.]
[It’s dark out, and Nyneave, Egwene, Moiraine, and Thom are sitting around a campfire in the middle of the building.]
[Sort of]
[Thom is passed out on the floor, whiskey bottle in hand.]
[Nynaeve is nervously half-standing, half-sitting, tugging her braid and sniffing simultaneously]
[Egwene is fast-asleep]
[And Moiraine?]
Moiraine: [Immediately leaps up and pounces on the three.] WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT-BLASTED WOOL-HEADED IDIOTS???! 
Rand: We-
Mat: I-
Rand: Go ahead.
Mat: No, you first, I insist.
Rand: Are you sure?
Mat: Yes, go ahead.
Rand: We wen-
Perrin: I wa-
Rand: Do you mind?!
Perrin: I’m sorry.
Rand: No, no, no...go ahead.
Perrin: Really?
Rand: Really.
Perrin: Well, went ou
Rand: tside lookin-
Perrin: Do YOU mind?
Rand: No, I don’t mind.
Perrin: Then I’LL tell the story.
Rand: But I-
Mat: We went out explor-
Perrin: *I* said we should tel-
Rand: But the-
Mat: And then all th-
Perrin: And the wrestl-
Moiraine: ONE AT A BLOODY TIME!!
[Eventually, the three reiterate the story to Moiraine. When they get to the part about Mordeth...]
Moiraine: AAAAAAH! MORDETH?? YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!
Mat: [Nods his head gravely]
Moiraine: Did he touch you??! Did he give you anything??! Did he did he did he??
Rand: Well...he tried to get us to help us carry the weasels to his truck.
Moiraine: Weasels? NO!
Rand: Yup. [Grabs Moiraine’s leg and YANKS]
Moiraine: You’re pulling my leg.
Rand: I know.
Moiraine: Well stop it! Jeez...[Slaps Rand’s hand away]
Perrin: So anyway...what’s the deal with Mordeth?
Moiraine: [Sighs] Long story.
(Pablo: You’ve read the books; you know the story. I ain’t gonna type it out.)
Mat: Say...where’s Lan?
Moiraine: He’s out looking for you idiots! He won’t be back for a while. You’d better get to bed.

[Ultimately, everybody yawns, stretches, and eventually saunters off to their individual corners of the room to sleep.] 

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[The darkness is spread over the tainted city like Vegemite on a bagel. All is silent and calm. Seven motionless forms doze contentedly in their personal corners of the tranquil room. However, reaching through the subliminal and into ears of one of the slumberers, is the sound of distant yet approaching footsteps.] [The footsteps draw closer and closer, getting louder, quicker, more frantic, closer, closer, CLOSER...]
Lan: [Charging into the room] TROLLOCS!!!
Everybody: [Sitting bolt upright] What?!
Lan: You heard me. TROLLOCS!
Moiraine: [In a no-nonsense voice] Get to your horses. NOW.

[The crew dashes heroically to their waiting horses. Saddling up and spurring their horses into action, they charge furiously away in preparation for Episode 1.8.]

[The screen fades to black]
[Then, silence]
[More silence...]
[Blackness]
SFX: Knock knock knock?
Rand’s Voice: [Surprised] Hey! ...Hey!! It’s...it’s the end!
Perrin’s Voice: You forgot to let us out of the camera, stupid!

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Voice-over: And now it’s time for Silly Song’s With Lan, the part of the show where Lan comes out and sings a silly song.
[A large spotlight from the ceiling is focused on an empty wooden stage. The red curtain opens, and Lan steps into the spotlight.]
Lan: [Clears throat]
[The music begins, a rapid polka]
Lan: [Singing opera style]

I must suggest
It’s not a vest
Don’t wear it on your head.
It’s like a dream
It mixes cream
And helps in making bread.

It’s...my... 
Lovely little lonely lurid lofty lasting liquefying
Precious priceless peaceful playful perfect pleasing petrifying
Spaaaaa - tuuuuu- laaaaaaa....

Take my advice
It helps with rice
And scoopin’ out your raisins
But even if
You need a whiff
It boosts your Mayonnaisin’

It’s...my...
Blessed breakfast baker blender better beneficial buddy
Special scoopin’ stirrin’ sidekick spinnin’ eggs until their sunny...
Lovely little lonely lurid lofty lasting liquefying
Precious priceless peaceful playful perfect pleasing petrifying
Spaaaa - tuuuuu - laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

[The curtain closes, cutting Lan off as his ‘laaaaa’ continues. The spotlight turns off, the screen fades to black, and the voice-over, speaking over Lan’s stretched-out note, says...]
Voice-over: This has been Silly Songs With Lan, the part of the show where Lan comes out and sings a silly song. Tune in next time, when Lan sings about his pet ostriches!

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / WheelWars