The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth (ath oppothed to a bulltheye) is long forgotten when the age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...seven riders raced on against the night. Led by Lan in the Millennium Stallion, this courageous septuplet journeys fearlessly towards Tar Valon - the city covering an entire plan...um...island - to be interviewed by the Sedai Council. In the blood of three young men in this company of seven - Mat, Rand, and Perrin - has been discovered the highest midi-chlorian co...no, wait. Has been discovered the strongest ta’veren pull ever before seen by man. And so the saga lives on...

The Saga: [Dies]
Producer: [Censored]!

...or not. Regardless, Pablo has realized the importance of including the Attacking Draghkar scene, due to the motivation it provides for a speedier arrival at Taren Ferry, and thus a speedier conclusion. 
We go now to the outskirts of Watch Hill, where an actor dressed as a Draghkar, suspended in mid-air by a hidden wire, is waiting for his cue...

Director Joe: ...aaaand ACTION!
Draghkar: [SwwwwwwOOOOP’s down upon our Hero™’s, clawing and shrieking and flapping madly]
Lan: Great googily-moogily! It’s attacking us!! Chewey, let’s get this thing moving!
Chewebacca: Arrrgh, grar grr aaagh!!
Lan: Whaddya mean the sernomiating imblobiator isn’t functioning correctly?!
Chewebacca: Errrgh!
Perrin: [After staring in horror at the attacking shape, is clutching his head in his hands, eyes squeezed shut tight] Bloody flaming Light, another bloody LSD flashback...
Thom: Oh no! We gotta get out of here! It’s our only CHANCE of escape! Haha! 
Mat: [Pointing at the Draghkar] It’s a bird!
Rand: It’s a plane!
Egwene: It’s...it’s...
Moiraine: It’s a pterodactyl!
Draghkar: No I’m not!
Moiraine: Shut up!
Draghkar: [Shrieks and dive-bombs the group again]
Lan: [Talking to the Millennium Stallion] C’mon, c’mon baby...[CENSORED]! [Slams his fist down on the control panel (i.e., the reigns) Chewey, what the bloody flaming Light is wrong?
Chewebacca: Arrorgha?
Lan: Aagh!
Perrin: [Eyes glowing yellow] The counseling was supposed to get rid of those bloody flashbacks...
Thom: We don’t stand a CHANCE against this thing! [Laughs hysterically]
Rand: [Trying to restrain his horse] Whooooa! Whoa! Don’t worry, big guy, it’s only a gigantic air-borne evil monster trying to murder us. Calm down!
Mat: [Shouts something in a foreign language] Frikel plora sinmonis! Frikel ploris gristopluerk!
Egwene: What did you say?
Mat: [Shrugs]
Draghkar: I took a Random Foreign Language Interpretation course last year, maybe I cou-
Rand: Shut up!
Moiraine: Hurry, Lan!! Hurry!
Lan: I’m trying, sweetheart! I’m TRYING! 
Moiraine: Don’t call me sweetheart!
Lan: [Censored], Chewey! What’s going on?
Chewebacca: Arrrghah! Orrgha...
Lan: Well then fix it!
Chewebacca: OOArgha.
Lan: Aw, don’t gimme none of that "I can’t" crap.
Chewebacca: Ghrumphaagh.
Lan: What?
Chewebacca: Ghrumphaagh!
Lan: Well, why didn’t you say that before? [Configures the reigns accordingly, and]
Millennium Stallion: WHOOSH!
Lan: Fasten your seatbelts, sweetheart!
Moiraine: Don’t call me-AAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Perrin: [Dizzily] Aaaaaagh, nooooo, not again! Bloody narcotics...
Rand: AAAAAAAAH!
Mat: AAAAAAAAH!
Egwene: AAAAAAAAAH!
Thom: Hehehehehe! What are the CHANCES of survival?? HAHAHA!
Draghkar: Hey! Get back here! I wasn’t finished tormenting you!
Lan: To infinity, and beyond!
[Screen: zzzzzaps into the starry atmosphere]
Draghkar: [Staring forlornly after the departed adventurers] Bloody Hero™’s. Always bloody manage to bloody escape. I didn’t even get to bloody murder anybody...[Flaps off into the sky, disconsolate and dejected...]

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[Half an hour’s ride later finds them at Taren Ferry. Lan has gone to find the ferryman, who, at this hour, is likely fast asleep]

Master Hightower: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Lan: [Knocking on the door] BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM-
Master Hightower: ZzzaiwuzzaWhooo is it?
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Master Hightower: [Groggily struggles out of bed] Aah, I’m comin’, I’m comin’ [Heads downstairs]
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Master Hightower: Shaddup, ya bloody flaming Light-blasted [Mutter, mutter, mutter]
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Master Hightower: Whaddya want, ya bloody-[Flings the door open, and sees Lan, towering ten miles above him]
Lan: [Smiles menacingly]
Master Hightower: [Jaw drops open] W-what c-can I do f-for you, s-sir?
Lan: [Flatly] Ferry me across the river.
Master Hightower: [Glances at his watch, and grimaces] No can do, mister. Either my Timex is busted, or you’re nuts. [Goes to slam the door in Lan’s face, but the door is intercepted by Lan’s fist, and slams back against the wall]
Lan: I’m nuts. Ferry me. Now.
Master Hightower: Look, mister, I don’t know what you’re problem is, but-
Lan: [Jams a pouch of gold into Hightower’s hands] [Points at the gold] This much all over again once you’ve completed the job. Let’s go. Now.
Master Hightower: [Counting the gold, and salivating deliriously in the process] Now, you say? What are we waiting for? [Walks away]
Lan: [Grabs him by the neck, and drags him back] Where do you think you’re going?
Master Hightower: To...uh...to...um...to rouse my haulers, that’s it! I’m going to rouse my haulers!
Lan: [Grunts] Meet you at the dock.

[Five minutes later, at the dock...Master Hightower and six rough-looking goons, apparently the haulers, materialize out of the fog, leering at our crowd]
Lan: [Hissing quietly yet sternly the rest of the crew] Make sure your weapons are visible and accessible, and in a sufficiently intimidating position.
Rand: [Shifts into a foul looking facial expression (for effect), and pulls out a large Smacking Banjo, strumming it dangerously.]
Mat: [Eases his hand inside his coat pocket, and brandishes a nasty-looking encyclopedia]
Perrin: [Mimicking Rand’s derisive sneer, displays a menacing corduroy sweater and waves it around intensely]
Lan: [Whispering to Pablo] [Censored], Pablo, you didn’t write in a spatula!
Pablo: [Whispering to Lan] Just wait...
Egwene: [Strikes a deadly pose and yanks out a bottle of shampoo, aiming it with the precision of an expert at the antagonists] [She doesn’t hesitate to add an intimidating word of caution...] Careful boys, this thing’s loaded.
Moiraine: [Launches into an impressive sequence of Kung Fu moves, making "Waw!" and "Hyah!" and "Hu!" noises as she goes.] [Concludes her extortion tactics with a final "Renkan Tenshin Kyaku" move accompanied by a "Wa-YAH!"]
Thom: [Steps forward, and with a flourish, produces - seemingly out of nowhere - a spatula, and promptly begins trimming his nails.]
The Bad Guys: [Scared spitless by Thom’s expertise, GASP!] 
Lan: [To Master Hightower] So, are we gonna get a move on it, or what?
Master Hightower: [Recovering sentience after being temporarily shocked by Thom’s terrifying display] ...oh! Yes, of course!

[Upon the relatively-safe conclusion of the ferry ride...]

Master Hightower: [Drooling rapaciously] Where’s_my_money?!
Lan: Right here, Mister Selfish Pig. [Slams the remaining coins into his chest]
[All of a sudden, the ferry, obscured by the haze and only visible due to the torches illuminating it through the fog, drifts loose, and begins swiirrrrrling, and cirrrrcling ‘round and ‘round and ‘round and ‘round, then, abruptly, WHOOSH - it’s sucked under.]
Goon #1: [Flatly] Whirpool.
Goon #2: No whirpools on the Taren.
Goon #3: Must have been a fish. A wood-eating fish.
Goon #4: Nope. Probably a llama.
Goon #5: Do llamas have gills?
Goon #4: I think so.
Goon #5: It was a llama.
Goon #6: Do llamas eat ferries?
Goon #3: Yes.
Goon #2: [Pauses] Then what eats llamas?
Goon #1: Zebras.
Goon #2: No they don’t.
Goon #3: Yes they do.
Goon #2: Oh.
Goon #4: Can Zebras swim?
Goon #5: Must.
Goon #6: Are they friendly?
Goon #5: Yes.
Goon #4: That’s nice.
Goon #3: Maybe he’ll bring the ferry back.
Goon #2: Nope. Zebras eat ferries too.
Goon #1: Oh.
Goon #6: Maybe a Zebra ate the ferry.
Goon #1: Naw. They prefer llamas.
Goon #2: What else eats llamas?
Goon #3: Orangutans. 
Goon #4: Orangutans don’t swim.
Goon #5: Don’t have to. They fish.
Goon #6: Maybe a fish ate the ferry. A wood-eating fish.
Goon #5: Nope.
Moiraine: [Near to tears] IT WAS ME! I DID IT!
Goon #1: [Pauses] What is she?
Goon #2: She’s an emu.
Goon #3: Do emu’s eat ferries?
Goon #4: Must.
Goon #5: [Pauses] Then what eats emu’s?
Goon #6: Otters.

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[After the discovery of pre-designated campsite courtesy of Lan, the trio of Two River’s teens manage to officially anger Moiraine. Not caring the slightest, they sleep well. Egwene, learning that she will become a Sedai Knight, perhaps one of the most powerful ever, does not sleep well. Thom’s sleep is filled with ramblings about chance, followed by muffled giggles, while Lan sleeps...stonily. Moiraine’s sleep is fitful, but energizing, and upon sunrise, the band sets out towards the tiny"city" of Baerlon.]

Mat: [Catching his first glimpse of Baerlon] Oooooo....
Perrin: Wow! That’s even bigger than I IMAGINED!
Egwene: [Stares dumbfounded at the city]
Thom: [mutter mutter mutter] Chance! Haha! [mutter mutter mutter]
Rand: Holy guacamole! That’s bloody HUGE!
Lan and Moiraine: [Shake their heads sadly]

[Upon approaching the gate, Lan and Moiraine caution the rest that here there are known by different names, respectively, Andra and Alys.] [They arrive at the gate, and Lan, having the most experience, knocks on the gate]
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Irritated Voice From Inside: Go away...
Lan: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
[An old man with frizzy gray hair and an irritated look on his face peers out from a hole cut in the door]
Old Man: What?! What?!
Lan: Are you the Miracle Max that worked for the king all those years?
Max: The king’s stinking son fired me. And thank YOU so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a paper cut and pour LEMON juice on it. We’re closed! [Slams the hinges on the hole in the door]
Lan: [Muttering to himself] Baerlon’s closed? [Resumes knocking] BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
Max: Beat it or I’ll call the brute squad!
Lan: I’m on the brute squad.
Max: [Opening the hatch again, and looking at Lan] You ARE the brute squad.
Lan: Look, mister, I think you’re taking this a little too personally. All we need is for you to open the gate!
Max: Look, I’m retired! Besides, why would you want someone the king’s stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you want me to let in.
Lan: We’re already dead!
Max: You are, eh? I’ll open the gate. Come on in. [The gate creeeeeeeaks open, and the crew walks in.]

[Screen fades to black, and a 
Cheery Female Voice-over: [Says] Stay tuned!]

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Male voice-over, accompanied by soothing music in the background: [The screen shows random shots of accommodation and restaurants in Baerlon] Thank-you for choosing Baerlon. Now that you’re here, feel free to look around! The wonderful city of Baerlon has much to offer traveling fantasy novel protagonists. From unique dining experiences, Whitecloak harassment and Myrdraal appearances, to feather beds in which to have tormenting nightmares, and even warm baths. Baerlon is the prime city to meet up with another essential character who may or may not happen to be named Min Farshaw. It has the perfect gatekeeper to bribe, and the no doubt THE best gate in existence for a Sedai Knight to perform an illusionary escape. We recommend especially the Stag and Lion Express for your accommodation needs. Oh, and once you’ve finished all that needs to be done in Baerlon, feel free to burn it down. The city of Baerlon welcomes you!
[Fade to black]

Man In Formal Attire: [Addressing a crowd from a podium. Audience members near the front of the auditorium can be seen clutching signs that bear slogans such as "Bela for Creator!" and "I (Heart) Bela", etc.] Hi. My name is Beorin al’Marketingstrategist. For the upcoming election for the title of Creator of the Universe, I’d like to introduce you to our newest candidate, Bela. Bela is a world-famous cart-horse belonging to Rand and Tam al’Thor. Already worshipped by some despite the fact that she has not yet won the election, Bela is a very probable gamble for winner of this election. So this coming September 9, when you step up to the ballot box, remember the name of the horse that gave you life, and...Vote for Bela!
Voice-Over reading Text On Black Screen: This public service announcement has been paid for by Crazed Bela Worshippers Anonymous.
 

[Scene: Back-stage, blue glow from behind a darkened foreground. Seven silhouetted stools can be seen. Upon each silhouetted stool sits a silhouetted body.
Chair 1, Low Voice Man: I sniff Mayo.
Chair 2, Woman’s voice, deep-south accent: I sniff Mayo.
Chair 3, Illian Man: I sniff Mayo
Chair 4, Young Teenager: I sniff Mayo
Chair 5, Nasal Voice Man: I sniff Mayo
Chair 6, Old woman: I sniff Mayo
Chair 7, Coughing, Raspy Voice: I sniff Mayo.

Negro Trolloc: See? [Digs a spatula into the jar] It ain’t all that bad! [Takes a sniff, and passes out]
Text on Screen: Miraculously Whipped. - Mayonnaise Sniffers Anonymous.

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / WheelWars