A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away from it’s location ever being revealed to us...the good guys were basically screwed. Hoping to either halt or hinder Darth One’s escape from his prison on the planet Hell, the Seriously Disillusioned Good Guys have secretly dispatched a Sedai Knight, the guardians of peace and Servants of All, to seek out the only one who can save the world - the one called the Dragon Reborn. Unless the Seriously Disillusioned Bad Guys get there first, that is... 

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[The main Wheel Wars theme plays ominously as the Compulsory Yellow Scrolling Text finishes its Compulsory Scroll into the subliminal.
A giant plastic model spaceship makes its way slowly across the screen. Increasingly more of the spaceship can be seen as it flies overhead, and as the music fades, the noises apparently emanating from the ship becomes audible.]
SFX: Vrrrrrrroooooooooooom....
[As the rear of the ship finally passes into view, a...hand clutching the tail end of the ship comes into view! The owner of the hand is a boy, grinning pleasurably as his pursed lips vibrate up and down, making noises like...]
Rand: Vrrrrrrroooooooooooom....
Tam: Raaaaaaaand! Time for supper!
Rand: Okay, daddy! 
[Rand hurls the spaceship into the pile of other discarded toys lying in the dirt, and darts into the house. He sits down at the table, and clumsily ties his "Mister Moridin’s Mindtrap Funhouse" bib around his neck. Clutching his knife in one hand and his fork in the other, and salivating deliriously as he stares expectantly at his father, says...]
Rand: Tho, what’th for dinner?
Tam: [Glances up at Rand from the stove, and shakes his head and sighs] Rand, when are you going to grow up? One of these days you should start acting your age and not your shoe size.
Rand: [Stares at his huge size eighteen’s] But they’re the same!
Tam: Rand, pretty soon I won’t be here, so you’ll have to start accepting the responsibilities tha-
Rand: Responsibilities?! [Rand shouts angrily] I’M PERFECTLY RESPONSIBLE!! [Rand slams his fist down angrily on the table, knocking a stack of dishes over, where they shatter all over the ground.] [Rand stands up quickly to try to save the dishes, knocking his chair over backwards and sending the table crashing to the floor in the process.] [He stumbles backwards to avoid the fallen china shards and slams into the back wall, knocking a picture onto the floor where the glass immediately disintegrates into a million pieces] [Rand dances nimbly away to escape the glass particles and inadvertently steps on a banana peel. He flails wildly as in an attempt to regain his balance as he flips over backwards and smashes through the door, bounces down the steps and lands face-down in the dirt.]
Rand: [Groans and spits out a mouthful of dirt] I-I’m...[Moooooans] I’m p-perfectly responsible!
Tam: Right, and I’m the Dark One.
Voice from outside: [Unsteady and shaky with age] Shai’tan? Son? Is that you?
Tam: Dad?? 
Voice from outside: Your mother and I have been worried sick about you! How come you never write?
Tam: I...I’ve been busy, dad. 
DO’s Dad: Of course, of course. I keep forgetting, you’re the source of all evil now. Boy, things sure have changed since my day. Oh, son, did your mother tell you that you’ve been voted Evilest Man Alive by Time Magazine for the fifth year straight?
Tam: What? But how did they...HEY!! Did you hear that...? I think that’s my cue to, for no apparent reason, run upstairs and give Rand my HeronSabre, just in time for the Trollocs to burst into the house and try to kill us! Just a sec...
[Tam runs upstairs, heeeeeeeaves his trusty thirty ton treasure chest out from underneath his bed, sorts through his collection of Things That May Come In Handy Someday But Are Otherwise Utterly Useless, and pulls out his HeronSabre! He clicks the button...]
SFX: Vvvmmm!
Tam: Hey, cool! It still works! 
[Tam runs back downstairs, and gives the HeronSabre to Rand.]
Rand: Hey, where you get this from?? This looks just like the one my Darth Sammael action figure has!
Tam: No time to explain. The Trollocs will be here any second, and we need to pretend we weren’t expecting them.
[When suddenly...]
[A herd of funny looking men with mismatched torsos and ram’s horns on their heads burst through the door!]
SFX: CRRRRRRRRRASH BANG BOOM SMASH SMASH!!!...*pop*
Funny Looking Men With Mismatched Torsos And Ram’s Horns On Their Heads: Grrrr!
Rand: [Looks around suspiciously] I have a baaaad feeling about this...
Tam: Quick, boy! Out the back door!
Rand: But father, we don’t have a back door!
Tam: Don’t argue with me, boy! Go!
Rand: But-
Tam: GO!
Rand: B-
Tam: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Rand: [Deep breath] Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigh! [...as he dives through the wall and tumbles into the backyard, clutching his head in pain] Curse you, my hallucinatory father.
[Rand jumps up and flails his way into the nearby forest to escape the coming onslaught of Funny Looking Men With Mismatched Torsos And Ram’s Horns On Their Heads. In his blind retreat he fails to notice the object which trips him and sends him hurdling through the air. Rand lands face-down in the foliage. As he recovers, a voice pierces the shadows...]
Voice: Mesa Jar-Jar Binks!
Rand: [Groans in disgust] You can’t be serious!
Jar-Jar: Mesa very serious.
Rand: [Trying to restrain his anger, but succeeding only in mimicking the sound produced by intense constipation, says...] GAH! Pablo!! WHY DID YOU DO HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME??!!
Pablo: [Clutching his ears is pain and glaring at Rand] Ahhh...do you think you could speak a little louder, I don’t think they heard you down in Murandy.
Rand: WHY DID YOU HAV-
Pablo: [Silences Rand by dropping a ten-ton trout on Rand’s head] I was only kidding.
Rand: [Rubs the welt on his head and stares indignantly at Pablo] 
Pablo: [Pablo smiles innocently] The reason I created Jar-Jar was so I could KILL HIM in any way I desired.
Rand: [Gaping in awe at Pablo] ...you’re...brilliant!
Pablo: [Grins proudly]
Rand: But...
Pablo: Shhh! Did you hear that?? [Creates a noise in the bushes to distract Rand]
Rand: [Looks around cautiously, and thinks he hears a noise in the bushes...] Shhhhhh... [...he cautions Jar-Jar]
Jar-Jar: What?
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand:
Jar-Jar: Mesa shutted up.
Rand: Good for you. 
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand: [Whispering] Listen.
Jar-Jar: Mesa listening...
Rand: Shut up!!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand: Shhh!
Jar-Jar: 
Rand: [Whispering] Hear that...?
Jar-Jar: Mesa don’t hear nutting!
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Oke-
Rand: SHUT UP!!! [Shakes his head] I can’t wait until Pablo kills you.
Jar-Jar: What? Pablosa gonna kill mesa??
Rand: No comment.
Noise: [rustle]
Rand: Who’s there?
Noise: Rustle.
Rand: Rustle who?
Noise: Rustle you’ll be late!
Jar-Jar: Haha! Yousa funny!
Rand: I don’t get it...
Jar-Jar: SHUT UP!
Rand: Hey...that’s my line!
Noise: Rustle.
Rand: What?! Not that again! Try something original, for cryin’ out loud!
Noise: Oh. I’m so sorry....
Rand: No problem; just try it again.
Noise: [Clears throat]
Noise: Geshundeit!
Rand: [Snorts indignantly] Noises in the forest don’t go "Geshundeit"!!
Noise: This one does. Get used to it, kid.
Rand: [Sigh] You got anything else to say?
Noise: Yeah! I got a delayed Footstep Crackle from just over there to the left, a couple seconds ago.
Rand: Okay, good. Let’s hear it.
Noise: Crackle.
Rand: [Feigning shock] What was that??? Did you hear that??!
Sudden Voice: [Quick and persistent inhalation (i.e., "GASPGASPGASPGASP..."] [...followed by a siiiigh of relief]
Rand: W-who are you?
Voice: It’s Me!
Rand: Oh...thank the Light!
Me: They almost had Me, but I getses aways, yeeeessss precious, Me getses away... 
Rand: [Irritated growl] [Leans over into the shadows, and whispers into Pablo’s ear through clenched teeth] What’s Gollum doing here?? Wasn’t that supposed to be Tam?
Pablo: Your destiny is in my fingertips, phlegm-face.
Rand: Please don’t hurt me!
Pablo: [Evil grin]
Rand: [Tremble]
Pablo: I’m itching to try out my new Dark-o-Matic HeronPistol XP-3000. They call this thing "The Fourteenth Forsaken". Don’t tempt me.
Rand: B-but weren’t you gonna kill Jar-Jar?
Jar-Jar: [Shocked and panicky] Whosa, mesa?? The cutesa Gungan??! Nooooo!! Mesa don’t do nutting bad! 
Pablo: [Draws his monstrous weapon] How do I slay thee? Let me count the ways...[Pablo finds the distraught Jar-Jar in his crosshairs...sloooowly inches his finger towards the trigger...and...]
Rand: STOP!!!!
Pablo: [Shouts angrily] What do you want??!
Rand: You can’t kill him on camera! It’s bad for publicity! You might get sued!
Pablo: Oh...good point. [Grabs Jar-Jar by the scruff of the neck and drags him off camera.]
SFX: (Whimper) BANG! [Silence]
Rand: [Staring at something off-screen, turns a whiter shade of pale] [*Gulp*]

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[Meanwhile, back at the ranch...]

[Two Trollocs have Tam cornered with their scythes, while the other six ransack the house looking for Oreo’s. One of the two Trollocs threatening Tam has a four lips, no tongue, and is waving a violin in front of Tam’s face. The other has a corn-cob mouth and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal.
Trolloc 1: Hewwo, my name is Wiwwiam. I’ve come to distwact you untiw the Mywdwaww comes.
Trolloc 2: GRONK, snort, aaaaaaaCHOO!
Tam: Aaaaarrrgh!!
Trolloc 1: The fiwst song I am going to pway fow you is called "Symphony in A Minow, ‘Pain’" by Wudwig van Ba’alzamon.
Trolloc 2: Hisssssssss, next teller please, BOOM.
Trolloc 1: [Lifts his violin and begins playing a terribly flat and tuneless "song"]
Tam: Aaaaaagh, my ears!!
Trolloc 2: Zuuuuuuarch, ggngnnneeeeeeeeeeoooow, POOF.
[Tam manages to escape out the back door while William plays on...]
Trolloc 1: Hey, come back hewe! It was just getting good...

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[Meanwhile, hidden by the darkness of the forest, Rand lays with his back against a tree, recounting the events that transpired earlier that day...of course, this flashback would not even be necessary if Pablo had begun the story from its original starting point (Jeez.) But nooooooo, instead, Mr. Snooty-Wooty Big Shot Writer started it from the fifth chapter for sake of a barely-humorous introduction! Um...where was I? Oh yeah...Rand’s having a flashback...]

[The scene turns watery and blurry, accompanied by Sentimental Recollection SFX...]

Rand: [Standing on the road with his father] Hey! What in the bloody flaming Light is that? See, dad? Over there! It’s a very tall man on a horse and his cloak isn’t affected by the wind and he has no eyes and his horse doesn’t leave any footprints and hey!! He just disappeared! 
Tam: Huh???
Rand: Did you see him? Did you see him? Did ya did ya didyadidyadidya?? Huh? Did you see him???!
Tam: [Stares at his son bewilderedly] Uh...um...no son, I can’t say I did. But you know I would never doubt your word, Rand. If you say you saw him, then I’m sure he was there...[Muffled snicker under his breath]
Rand: [Pauses] Uh...yeah. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming, father. Aaaaanyway, I guess we’d better get this show on the road so we’ll still be in time for this delivery, huh?
Tam: You’re right about that, son. Besides, I bet you’re anxious to be seeing Egwene again...
Rand: Gosh, YOU’RE right about that! I’ve been thinking up some pick-up lines to use on her...here, tell me what you think. [Clears throat] "My feet are getting cold, 'cause you just knocked my socks off"...How’s that?
Tam: I-
Rand: Or how about this? "If you were a booger, I’d pick you first!"
Tam: [Disgustedly] Rand, I don-
Rand: Or what about, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'u' and 'i' closer together."
Tam: Son, jus-
Rand: Or here’s my personal favourite: "I think I must in Heaven, because you’re apparently an angel!"
Tam: [Defeated sigh] Good, Rand. They’re all...very good. Very witty and intelligent. I’m sure she’ll fall head-over-heels in love with you because of them.
Rand: Great!! It took me over a month to think up that last one...
Tam: Let’s go, Rand.

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[Over in Emond’s Field, a visiting Sedai Knight and her Warder are trying to sneak around unnoticed....unfortunately, to no avail.]
Paperboy: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Two strangers in Emond’s Field! Thaaaat’s right! A pair of outsiders in the village! Get the full scoop here! A twosome of foreigners in town! A pair of-
Lan: Shut up, sheet-herder!
Paperboy: Gotcha. [Scurries off into the subconscious]

Moraine: Republican credits will do fine.
Master al’Vere: No!
Moraine: Republican credits WILL do fine.
Master al’Vere: I said no, they won’t!
Moraine:[Waves hand in front of Master al’Vere’s face] Republican credits will do FINE.
Master al’Vere: What’s wrong with you, woman? I said no! And who do you think you are waving your hand around like that, some kind of Sedai Knight? Mind tricks don’t work on me, I’m an Innkeeper.
Moraine: REPUBLICAN CREDITS WILL DO FINE OR I’LL DISCHARGE A BLAZING BALL OF HOLOCAUSTIC INCANDESCENT PHLOGISTON TO DISINTEGRATE YOUR STUPID INN!!!
Master al’Vere: [Gulp] Uh...hehe...Republican credits will do fine. Heeere’s your key; you’re in room number four. Up the stairs and two doors down on the left. Have a nice stay!

Mat: Perrin! Perrin! Guess what I just did?
Perrin:[Bored tone of voice] Did you add trichlorethane to Mistress al’Vere’s honeycakes again?
Mat: Nope, that was last week.
Perrin: Did you light the Congars’ cat on fire?
Mat: Naw, that trick’s old by now.
Perrin: Did you replace the ketchup with "Uncle Shaidar’s Scorching Hot Pasta Sauce from Shayol Ghul" again?
Mat: I-
Perrin: Did you stuff a rabid wolverine down Nynaeve’s dress?
Mat: Perr-
Perrin: Did you slice the legs of somebody’s horse again?
Mat: PERRIN!
Perrin: ...huh?
Mat: NO! I did none of those things! ...I’ve done ‘em all more than five times and they’re no fun anymore.
Perrin: Well, I’m glad to see you’ve finally come to your senses, Mat.
Mat: What are you talking about?
Perrin: You mean...
Mat: Nope!
Perrin: Ooooooh, bloody flaming Light! I gotta get outta here!
Mat: [Looks at his watch] Should be about ten more seconds before she starts screaming. (This is gonna be good, Perrin!) Six...five...four...three...
Perrin: [Buries his face in his hands and prays silently]
Mat: ...Two...one...
Nynaeve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGH!!!!
Perrin: [Whispering] What in the bloody flaming Light did you DO, you fool??
Mat: [Shrugs helplessly] Guess she found the dead squirrel...
Perrin: Hey look! There’s Rand and his dad.
Mat: [Cupping his hands to his mouth] HEY RAND! GUESS WHAT I JUST DID TO NYNAEVE!
Nynaeve: SO IT WAS YOU, MATRIIM CAUTHON! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BLOODY SMASH YOUR SCRAWNY WISE-GUY REAR END INTO THE NEXT BLOODY AGE YOU BLOODY FLAMING WOOLHEADED LUMMOX!! AGH!
Mat: [Whispering to Perrin] ...and she think I’ll willingly come over there so she can do that to me? [Yells to Nynaeve] FAT CHANCE, YOU BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT-BLASTED PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A VILLAGE WISDOM!
Nynaeve: OH YEAH??!! WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT, YOU BESLUBBERING HALF-FACED FUSTILARIAN!!! [Sniff] [Tug]
Mat: [Muttering under his breath to Perrin] Temper, temper. [Yells to Nynaeve] YOU WANNA COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU PATHETIC TUB OF LARD??!! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT AN GOOD-FOR-NOTHING WISDOM WANNABE WHO COULDN’T CURE A BLOODY FLU!!!
Tam: Now, now, youngsters. Calm down.
Nynaeve: HE CALLED ME A PATHETIC TUB OF LARD, MISTER AL’THOR! DO SOMETHING TO HIM! TALK TO HIM! MAKE HIM SAY HE’S SORRY OR SOMETHING!
Tam: [Whispering to Mat] Way to go, son! ...But you better say you’re sorry just so she doesn’t thump you. [Winks at Mat]
Mat: Gotcha. [Cups his hand to his mouth] HEY, NYNAEVE! I’M VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I’VE BEEN SUCH A MISERABLE JERK TO YOU, AND I PROMISE I’LL NEVER, EVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN! [Whispering] Just kidding, slime-ball.
Nynaeve: [Sniff] [Tug]
Mat: C’mon, Perrin. Let’s go see Rand. [Looks over at Rand, and sees him talking with Egwene.] Um...or, how ‘bout we don’t, and say we did. I know! Let’s go see what Dav did with that badger!
Perrin: [Stops short and stares at Mat in horror] Badgers? [Camera zooms in accompanied by jarring orchestra chord] BADGERS?! [Camera zooms in again accompanied by another jarring orchestra chord] WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGERS!!

Rand: [Approaches Egwene suavely; a stagger in his step and a sparkle in his eye. Runs a hand smoooooothly through his hair-do as he snaps his fingers to point-shoot at ‘er.] Saaay, baby...do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Egwene: [Rolls her eyes and walks away]
Rand: [Growls under his breath] Bloody women...
Tam: Nice try, Rand. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.
Rand: Thanks, dad...
Tam: Hey, why don’t you catch up with Mat and Perrin? I hear there’s a gleeman in the village.
Rand: [Dazed] A GLEEMAN??? HERE??? OH, WOW!!
Tam: Go on. Don’t worry, I’ll break my bloody back unloading the bloody cider all by my bloody self while you go and listen to the bloody gleeman.
Rand: WOW! THANKS, DAD!
Tam: [Muttering to himself] I can’t believe he didn’t pick up on that hint...
Rand: [Muttering to himself] I can’t believe he thought I didn’t pick up on that hint...
Perrin: Hey, Rand!
Rand: Hey, Perrin! How’s...hey look, a raven! [Points on top of the Inn roof]
Raven: Caw! Caw!
Lan: [Appears suddenly and out of the blue, pulls out his bow, nocks an arrow, pulls the drawstring and fires off the arrow and kills the raven dead before you can say, "Holycrapyou’reabloodycrackshot!"] Bloody filthy carrion eater. [He mutters]
Perrin: Awww....poor litto boidy...Why’d you do that, mister?
Lan: [Stares at Rand and Perrin wild-eyed] Ravens are the spies of the Dark One! They’re always watching you...they never leave you alone...[Looks around suspiciously]...HAYAH!!! [Rand and Perrin both jump] THEY WATCH YOU! ALL DAY! [Voice lowers to a whisper] Then they report your every single action to the Dark One and before you know it the Trollocs are on your tail clawing and shrieking and flinging their scythes and swords at your head and YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE THEIR BLOODY TRAP BECAUSE THEY NEVER EVER EVER EVER BLOODY GIVE UP UNTIL THEY’VE GOT YOUR BLOODY HEAD ON BLOODY SILVER PLATTER FOR THE DARK ONE TO DEVOUR WITH HIS BLOODY PERSONAL GOLD-RIMMED DINNER SET!!!
Rand: [Mouth hanging wide open as he stares wide-eyed at Lan]
Perrin: [Ditto]
Moraine: Lan, dear, don’t frighten the children.
Rand: W-who are y-you?
Moraine: My name’s Moraine, and this here is Lan. [Points at Lan, who has resumed his Stone Man impression]
Perrin: A-are you a S-sedai Knight?
Moraine: You’re a funny little boy. What’s your name?
Perrin: Perrin, ma’am.
Moraine: Perrin Aybara, that is. You’re a blacksmith’s apprentice and share the same approximate birthdate with Rand al’Thor and Matrim Cauthon. All three of you have lived in Emond’s Field for your entire life. Am I correct? Am I? Am I am I am I am I? Was I good? I did a lot of research!! I ask a lot of questions!! Am I right? AM I?! [Pauses...] QUICK! TAKE THIS COIN! YOU TOO, RAND AL’THOR THE SHEEPHERDER AND SON OF TAM AND KARI AL’THOR WHO LIVES ON A FARM OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE AND HAS A HORSE NAMED BELA!! AND GIVE THIS ONE TO MAT! QUICK! PLEASE!!! TAAAAAAKE IT! (DID I GET IT RIGHT??!)
Perrin: BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT, THESE PEOPLE ARE BLOODY PSYCHO, RAND!!!!
Moraine: Take the coin!! PLEASE! Take the coin! Both of you! 
Rand: [Whispering to Perrin] Perrin, take the coins, QUICK, then RUN! We gotta ditch these wackos.
Lan: THEY’RE WATCHING YOU!!! AAAAAAAAAAALL DAY!!

Rand: [Talking to Mat, back at the Inn] ...and then he just goes completely beserk, yellin’ and screamin’ something about ravens watching me and Trollocs and...jeez, those weirdo’s freak me out.

Lan: [Talking to a tree, back in the forest] ...and then he just goes totally wide-eyed and starin’ at me all scared-like thinkin’ I’m crazy or something and...jeez, that weirdo freaks me out. Do you think I’m crazy, Ernie? I’m glad you’re my friend...[Hugs Ernie the tree]

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[Commercial break]
Cheery voice: After these messages...we’ll be riiiiight back

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[Fade to black]

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / WheelWars