The main Wheel Wars theme plays ominously as the Compulsory Yellow Scrolling Text finishes its Compulsory Scroll into the subliminal.
A giant plastic model spaceship makes its way slowly across the screen. We can see increasingly more of the spaceship as it flies overhead, and as the music fades we can hear the noises apparently emanating from the ship. ("Vrrrrrrroooooooooooom", it goes.) As the rear of the ship finally passes into view, we can see a hand clutching the tail end. The owner of the hand is a boy, grinning pleasurably as he flies the ship.
Rand: Vrrrrrrrrroooooooooom....
Tam: Raaaaa-aaand! Time for supper!
Rand: Okay, daddy! [Puts toy spaceship down in the dirt and runs into the house. He sits down at the table and places his "Superwarder" bib around his neck]
Rand: [Clutching his knife and fork in both hands, he says...] Tho, what’th for dinner?
Tam: [Glances up at Rand from the stove, and shakes his head and sighs] Rand, when are you going to grow up? You’re eighteen years old and you’re still acting like you’re five...
[Rand, who is deeply immersed in the momentous task of combing lice out of his hair with his fork and launching them across the room with his spoon, does not hear a word Tam is saying.]
Tam: ...-retty soon I won’t be here, and you’ll have to tak-
[Rand is absorbed in the completion of the heavy responsibility of removing his excess ear wax and making drawings with it on his plate.]
Tam: ...-Winternight and I’ve got a million things to do while you’re playi-...
[Rand, having tired of his short stint in ear-wax artwork, is busy making strange faces and watching his reflection in his spoon.]
Tam: ...- nd if a giant flock of rabid buffalo were to rupture their splee-...
[However, the face-making routine also proves too tiresome for him. Rand is now intent on balancing his spoon on his nose.]
Tam: ...-wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner, that is wha-..
[Rand has succeeded in balancing his cup on his head!]
Tam: ...-but if a bunch of Trollocs suddenly burst through the door-...
[Rand has oh-so-carefully managed to poise his ear-wax coated plate on top of the cup on his head...]
Tam: [Stops talking, looks up at Rand, and sighs] You’re not listening to a word I’m saying are you?
Rand: Huh?
Tam: [Sigh] ...WAIT! Hear that...? I think that’s my cue to, for no apparent reason, run upstairs and give you my HeronSabre, just in time for the Trollocs to burst into the house and carry out their assassination attempt. Just a sec.
[Tam runs upstairs, heeeeeeeaves his trusty thirty ton treasure chest out from underneath his bed [As Rand adds his fork to his incredible Balance-The-Kitchen-Utensils-On-Your-Face feat], sorts through his pile of Ancient and Forgotten Things, and pulls out his HeronSabre! He clicks the button...]
SFX: Vvvmmm!
Tam: Hey, cool! It still works! 
[Tam runs back downstairs, and gives the HeronSabre to Rand.]
Rand: [Voice is muffled by the mass of dishes and cutlery suspended on his head] Gfhmy! Wrd oo gt ungh HrnSbr frm?
Tam: No time to explain. The Trollocs will be here any second, and we need to pretend we weren’t expecting them.
Rand: Bt wght f yghr wrng?
SFX: CRASH-CLATTER-SMASH-BANG-WHOOP-WHOOP!!
Rand’s jaw drops to the floor, and as he picks it up, all the plates balancing on his head crash to the floor. Just then, a herd of funny looking men with mismatched torsos and ram’s horns on their heads burst through the door. 
SFX: CRASH-CLATTER-SMASH-BANG-WHOOP-WHOOP!!
Funny Looking Men With Mismatched Torsos And Ram’s Horns On Their Heads: Grrrr vralla lbstr moodle arawacha doodoo yadada boom!
Rand: [Looks around suspiciously] I have a baaaad feeling about this...
Tam: Quick, boy! Out the back door!
Rand: But father, we don’t have a back door!
Tam: Don’t argue with me, boy! Go!
Rand: But-
Tam: GO!
Rand: B-
Tam: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Rand: [Deep breath] Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigh! [...as he dives through the wall and tumbles into the backyard, clutching his head in pain] Curse you, my hallucinatory father.
Rand jumps up and flails his way into a nearby forest to escape the coming onslaught of Funny Looking Men With Mismatched Torsos And Ram’s Horns On Their Heads. In his blind retreat he fails to notice the object which trips him and sends him hurdling through the air, landing face-down in the foliage. As he recovers, a voice pierces the shadows...
Voice: Mesa Jar-Jar Binks!
Rand: Are you brainless?!
Jar-Jar: Mesa speaking...
Rand: The ability to speak does not necessarily indicate intelligence.
Jar-Jar: Wellsa, looks at who’s so big-shotsa smarty-warty now. Soooorry, okeday?
Rand: [Looks around cautiously, and thinks he hears a noise in the bushes...] Shhhhhh... [...he cautions Jar-Jar]
Jar-Jar: What?
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand:
Jar-Jar: Mesa shutted up.
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand: [Whispering] Listen.
Jar-Jar: Mesa listening...
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Okeday.
Rand: Shhh!
Jar-Jar: 
Rand: [Whispering] Hear that...?
Jar-Jar: Mesa don’t hear nutting!
Rand: SHUT UP!
Jar-Jar: Oke-
Rand: SHUT UP!!!
Jar-Jar:
Rand:
Noise: [rustle]
Rand: Who’s there?
Noise: Rustle.
Rand: Rustle who?
Noise: Rustle you’ll be late!
Jar-Jar: Haha! Yousa funny!
Rand: I don’t get it...
Jar-Jar: SHUT UP!
Rand: Hey...that’s my line!
Jar-Jar: Oked - um...nevermind.
Rand: Shhhhh...
Noise: Rustle.
Rand: What?! Not that again! Try something original, for cryin’ out loud!
Noise: Oh. I’m so sorry....
Rand: No problem; just try it again.
Noise: [Clears throat]
Noise: Geshundeit!
Rand: [Snorts indignantly] Noises in the forest don’t go "Geshundeit"!!
Noise: This one does. Get used to it, kid.
Rand: [Sigh] You got anything else to say?
Noise: Yeah! I got a delayed Footstep Crackle from just over there to the left, a couple seconds ago.
Rand: Okay, good. Let’s hear it.
Noise: Crackle.
Rand: [Feigning shock] What was that??? Did you hear that???
Sudden Voice: GASPGASPGASP! [deeeeeeep inhalation] [siiiigh]
Rand: Who are you?
Voice: It’s Me!
Rand: Oh...thank the Light!
Me: They almost had Me, but I getses aways, yeeeessss precious, Me getses away... 
Rand: [Irritated sigh] [Leans over into the shadows, and whispers into Pablo’s ear through clenched teeth] Pablo, get on with the story! We don’t have time for this crap!
Pablo: YOUR DESTINY IS IN MY FINGERTIPS, PHLEGM-FACE.
Rand: [Sheepish, apologetic grin] Please don’t hurt me!
Pablo: [Evil grin]
Rand: [Tremble]
Pablo: DON’T WORRY. I WON’T HURT YOU. 
Rand: [Sigh of relief]
Pablo: YET. CONSIDER THIS A WARNING...
[A yellow "Watch For Falling Warning Signs" traffic sign suddenly falls out of the sky and strikes Jar-Jar on the head, killing him DEAD. [The crowd goes wild!] Rand, however, stares in horror at Jar-Jar’s corpse, decorated with the instrument on his death, swallows hard, and stares skyward in shock.]
Rand: This is a KID’S story, Pablo! You’re not supposed to have anybody actually DIE in it! Much less have the center of their attention die! It’s bad for publicity! Are you insane???
Pablo: WASTE NOT MY PRECIOUS STORY-TELLING SPACE. TIME WILL TEACH YOU TO APPRECIATE THE EFFECTS OF REINCARNATION. AND RAFO.
Rand: [Temporarily stunned] RAFO?? Asmodean’s killer?? 
Pablo: OBI-WAN HAS TAUGHT YOU WELL, YOUNG AL’THOR.
Rand: But what do you mean?
Pablo: SILENCE!

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[Meanwhile, back at the ranch...]

[Two Trollocs have Tam cornered with their scythes, while the other six ransack the house looking for Oreo’s. One of the two Trollocs threatening Tam has three horns protruding from his forehead. The other one is apparently half-horse, half-Snuffeluffaguss - but with a neck that’s 2 feet long.]
Trolloc 1: Me William. Me wants to play!
Trolloc 2: Agh! Me’s Fred. Me likes maybe play too?
Tam: Aaaaarrrgh!!
Trolloc 1: [Raucous laugher] You no want play William?
Trolloc 2: Freddy want plaaaaaaaayy!
Trolloc 1: William want have fun! You have William have fun?
Trolloc 2: Me want have fun with William! Me want play too!
Trolloc 1: [Sneers at Fred the Long-Necked Trolloc] Three-horns don’t PLAY with long-necks. Phhhtbtbht!
Trolloc 2: [Sniffs]
[The two continue arguing. In the meantime, Tam escapes through the...um...back door.]

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Meanwhile, hidden by the darkness of the forest, Rand lays with his back against a tree, remembering...
[The scene turns watery and blurry and is accompanied by Sentimental Recollection SFX.]

Rand: [Standing on the road with his father] Hey! What in the bloody flaming Light is that? See, dad? Over there! It’s a very tall man on a horse and his cloak isn’t affected by the wind and he has no eyes and his horse doesn’t leave any footprints and hey!! He just disappeared! 
Tam: Huh???
Rand: Did you see him? Did you see him? Did ya did ya didyadidyadidya?? Huh? Did you see him???!
Tam: [Stares at his son bewilderedly] Uh...um...no son, I can’t say I did. But you know I would never doubt your word, Rand. If you say you saw him, then I’m sure he was there...[Muffled snicker under his breath]
Rand: [Pauses] Uh...yeah. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming, father. Aaaaanyway, I guess we’d better get going so we’ll still be in time for this delivery, huh?
Tam: You’re right about that, son. Besides, I bet you’re anxious to be seeing Egwene again...
Rand: Gosh, YOU’RE right about that! I’ve been thinking up some pick-up lines to use on her...here, tell me what you think. [Clears throat] "My feet are getting cold, 'cause you just knocked my socks off"...How’s that?
Tam: I-
Rand: Or how about this? "If you were a booger, I’d pick you first!"
Tam: [Disgustedly] Rand, I don-
Rand: Or what about, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'u' and 'i' closer together."
Tam: Son, jus-
Rand: Or here’s my personal favourite: "I think I must in Heaven, because you’re apparently an angel!"
Tam: [Defeated sigh] Good, Rand. They’re all...very good. Very witty and intelligent. I’m sure she’ll fall head-over-heels in love with you because of them.
Rand: Great!! It took me over a month to think up that last one...
Tam: Let’s go, Rand.

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[Over in Emond’s Field, a visiting Sedai Knight and her Warder are trying to sneak around unnoticed....unfortunately, to no avail.]
Paperboy: Extra, extra! Read all about it! Two strangers in Emond’s Field! Thaaaat’s right! A pair of outsiders in the village! Get the full scoop here! A twosome of foreigners in town! A pair of-
Lan: Shut up, sheet-herder!
Paperboy: Gotcha. [Scurries off into the subconscious]

Moraine: Republican credits will do fine.
Master al’Vere: No!
Moraine: Republican credits WILL do fine.
Master al’Vere: I said no, they won’t!
Moraine:[Waves hand in front of Master al’Vere’s face] Republican credits will do FINE.
Master al’Vere: What’s wrong with you, woman? I said no! And who do you think you are waving your hand around like that, some kind of Sedai Knight? Mind tricks don’t work on me, I’m an Innkeeper.
Moraine: REPUBLICAN CREDITS WILL DO FINE OR I’LL DISCHARGE A BLAZING BALL OF HOLOCAUSTIC INCANDESCENT PHLOGISTON TO DISINTEGRATE YOUR STUPID INN!!!
Master al’Vere: [Gulp] Uh...hehe...Republican credits will do fine. Heeere’s your key; you’re in room number four. Up the stairs and two doors down on the left. Have a nice stay!

Mat: Perrin! Perrin! Guess what I just did?
Perrin:[Bored tone of voice] Did you add trichlorethane to Mistress al’Vere’s honeycakes again?
Mat: Nope, that was last week.
Perrin: Did you light the Congars’ cat on fire?
Mat: Naw, that trick’s old by now.
Perrin: Did you replace the ketchup with "Uncle Shaidar’s Scorching Hot Pasta Sauce from Shayol Ghul" again?
Mat: I-
Perrin: Did you stuff a rabid wolverine down Nynaeve’s dress?
Mat: Perr-
Perrin: Did you slice the legs of somebody’s horse again?
Mat: PERRIN!
Perrin: ...huh?
Mat: NO! I did none of those things! ...I’ve done ‘em all more than five times and they’re no fun anymore.
Perrin: Well, I’m glad to see you’ve finally come to your senses, Mat.
Mat: What are you talking about?
Perrin: You mean...
Mat: Nope!
Perrin: Ooooooh, bloody flaming Light! I gotta get outta here!
Mat: [Looks at his watch] Should be about ten more seconds before she starts screaming. (This is gonna be good, Perrin!) Six...five...four...three...
Perrin: [Covers his face in his hands and prays silently]
Mat: ...Two...one...
Nynaeve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGH!!!!
Perrin: [Whispering] What in the bloody flaming Light did you DO, you fool??
Mat: [Shrugs helplessly] Guess she found the dead squirrel...
Perrin: Hey look! There’s Rand and his dad.
Mat: [Cupping his hands to his mouth] HEY RAND! GUESS WHAT I JUST DID TO NYNAEVE!
Nynaeve: SO IT WAS YOU, MATRIIM CAUTHON! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BLOODY SMASH YOUR SCRAWNY WISE-GUY REAR END INTO THE NEXT BLOODY AGE YOU BLOODY FLAMING WOOLHEADED LUMMOX!! AGH!
Mat: [Whispering to Perrin] ...and she think I’ll willingly come over there so she can do that to me? [Yells to Nynaeve] FAT CHANCE, YOU BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT-BLASTED PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A VILLAGE WISDOM!
Nynaeve: OH YEAH??!! WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT, YOU BESLUBBERING HALF-FACED FUSTILARIAN!!! [Sniff] [Tug]
Mat: [Muttering under his breath to Perrin] Temper, temper. [Yells to Nynaeve] YOU WANNA COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU PATHETIC TUB OF LARD??!! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT AN GOOD-FOR-NOTHING WISDOM WANNABE WHO COULDN’T CURE A BLOODY FLU!!!
Tam: Now, now, youngsters. Calm down.
Nynaeve: HE CALLED ME A PATHETIC TUB OF LARD, MISTER AL’THOR! DO SOMETHING TO HIM! TALK TO HIM! MAKE HIM SAY HE’S SORRY OR SOMETHING!
Tam: [Whispering to Mat] Way to go, son! ...But you better say you’re sorry just so she doesn’t thump you. [Winks at Mat]
Mat: Gotcha. [Cups his hand to his mouth] HEY, NYNAEVE! I’M VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I’VE BEEN SUCH A MISERABLE JERK TO YOU, AND I PROMISE I’LL NEVER, EVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN! [Whispering] Just kidding, slime-ball.
Nynaeve: [Sniff] [Tug]
Mat: C’mon, Perrin. Let’s go see Rand. [Looks over at Rand, and sees him talking with Egwene.] Um...or, how ‘bout we don’t, and say we did. I know! Let’s go see what Dav did with that badger!
Perrin: [Stops short and stares at Mat in horror] Badgers? [Camera zooms in accompanied by jarring orchestra chord] BADGERS?! [Camera zooms in again accompanied by another jarring orchestra chord] WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGERS!!

Rand: [Approaches Egwene suavely; a stagger in his step and a sparkle in his eye. Runs a hand through his smoooooth hair-do as he snaps his fingers to point-shoot at ‘er.] Saaay, baby...do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Egwene: [Rolls her eyes and walks away]
Rand: [Growls under his breath] Bloody women...
Tam: Nice try, Rand. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.
Rand: Thanks, dad...
Tam: Hey, why don’t you catch up with Mat and Perrin? I hear there’s a gleeman in the village.
Rand: [Dazed] A GLEEMAN??? HERE??? OH, WOW!!
Tam: Go on. Don’t worry, I’ll break my bloody back unloading the bloody cider all by my bloody self while you go and listen to the bloody gleeman.
Rand: WOW! THANKS, DAD!
Tam: [Muttering to himself] I can’t believe he didn’t pick up on that hint...
Rand: [Muttering to himself] I can’t believe he thought I didn’t pick up on that hint...
Perrin: Hey, Rand!
Rand: Hey, Perrin! How’s...hey look, a raven! [Points on top of the Inn roof]
Raven: Caw! Caw!
Lan: [Appears suddenly and out of the blue, pulls out his bow, nocks an arrow, pulls the drawstring and fires off the arrow and kills the raven dead before you can say, "Holycrapyou’reabloodycrackshot!"] Bloody filthy carrion eater. [He mutters]
Perrin: Awww....poor litto boidy...Why’d you do that, mister?
Lan: [Stares at Rand and Perrin wild-eyed] Ravens are the spies of the Dark One! They’re always watching you...they never leave you alone...[Looks around suspiciously]...HAYAH!!! [Rand and Perrin both jump] THEY WATCH YOU! ALL DAY! [Voice lowers to a whisper] Then they report your every single action to the Dark One and before you know it the Trollocs are on your tail clawing and shrieking and flinging their scythes and swords at your head and YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE THEIR BLOODY TRAP BECAUSE THEY NEVER EVER EVER EVER BLOODY GIVE UP UNTIL THEY’VE GOT YOUR BLOODY HEAD ON BLOODY SILVER PLATTER FOR THE DARK ONE TO DEVOUR WITH HIS BLOODY PERSONAL GOLD-RIMMED DINNER SET!!!
Rand: [Mouth hanging wide open as he stares wide-eyed at Lan]
Perrin: [Ditto]
Moraine: Lan, dear, don’t frighten the children.
Rand: W-who are y-you?
Moraine: My name’s Moraine, and this here is Lan. [Points at Lan, who has resumed his Stone Man impression]
Perrin: A-are you a S-sedai Knight?
Moraine: You’re a funny little boy. What’s your name?
Perrin: Perrin, ma’am.
Moraine: Perrin Aybara, that is. You’re a blacksmith’s apprentice and share the same approximate birthdate with Rand al’Thor and Matrim Cauthon. All three of you have lived in Emond’s Field for your entire life, am I correct? Am I? Am I am I am I am I? Was I good? I did a lot of research!! Am I right? AM I?! QUICK! TAKE THIS COIN! YOU TOO, RAND AL’THOR THE SHEEPHERDER AND SON OF TAM AND KARI WHO HAS SINCE PASSED ON!! AND GIVE THIS ONE TO MAT! QUICK! PLEASE!!! TAAAAAAKE IT! (DID I GET IT RIGHT??!)
Perrin: BLOODY FLAMING LIGHT, THESE PEOPLE ARE BLOODY FLAMING PSYCHO, RAND!!!!
Moraine: Take the coin!! PLEASE! Take the coin! Both of you! And give this one to Mat!!
Rand: [Whispering to Perrin] Perrin, take the coin, QUICK, then RUN! We gotta ditch these wackos.
Lan: THEY’RE WATCHING YOU!!! AAAAAAAAAAALL DAY!!

Rand: [Talking to Mat, back at the Inn] ...and then he just goes completely beserk, yellin’ and screamin’ something about ravens watching me and Trollocs and...jeez, those weirdo’s freak me out.

Lan: [Talking to a tree, back in the forest] ...and then he just goes totally wide-eyed and starin’ at me all scared-like thinkin’ I’m crazy or something and...jeez, that weirdo freaks me out. Do you think I’m crazy, Ernie? I’m glad you’re my friend...[Hugs Ernie the tree]

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[Commercial break]
Cheery voice: After these messages...we’ll be riiiiight back

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[Fade to black]

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / WheelWars