| The Eye Scream of the World, Part 7
For those who came in late: This is the final installment of a valiant effort to create the script for a parody of TEOTW, done (more or less) in the classic style which Mad Magazine has developed for its monthly parodies of popular movies, TV shows, and whatnot. The first 3 installments are conveniently gathered online at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1815/wot/Scream.html, and Parts and 5 are compiled at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1815/wot/Scream2.html. I'm running late tonight, and I believe Part 6 is still findable on every Board where I commonly post these things, although I will add #6 to my website within a few days. Now, before we get this show on the road, I have a confession to make.
My version of the Green Man (the Jolly Green Giant, of course) is blatantly
based on the parody of Treebeard the Ent(who was also called the Jolly
Green Giant in that parody) by the Harvard Lampoon in their BORED OF THE
RINGS, a takeoff on J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series, of course.
Their version of Treebeard was always uttering terrible . . . well, you'll
see my Giant is doing, and you'll get the point soon enough. But since
I stole the idea from the Harvard Lampoon's little book (written roughly
3 decades ago), I figured I should give credit where credit is due, just
in case any of you eagle-eyed readers are also familiar with that humorous
work of literature :)
Page 24.
Panel 1.
LEAN: Now remember, there are a few basic rules of survival here! Don't feed the animals! Don't touch the animals! Don't tease the animals! Don't litter! Keep off the grass! Stamp out your campfires! Don't channel the Fun Power except in case of total emergency! And if you think messing with the ANIMALS is bad, you should see what happens when you get too close to the PLANTS! EGGING: Is he a BodyGuarder or a Forest Ranger? Panel 2.
LEAN: Look out! The trees are attacking us! But have no fear, we'll
chop their branches off and outrun them on our horses!
Panel 3.
LEAN: Look out! Various beasts of the field are attacking us! But have no fear, we'll split their skulls with our blades and outrun the rest! Panel 4.
LEAN: ARRRRGHHH! Now the WORMS are after us! We're DOOMED to a fate worse than death! MAD: All this fuss over a few worms? LEAN: Not worms, Worms! With a capital W! The economy-sized version! MAD: Oh, I didn't hear that nuance at first. What are these Worms-with-a-big-W like? Super-toothy? Super-fast? Super-poisonous? LEAN: Worse than that! They're . . . they're . . . they're super-SLIMY! Why, if I killed one, it would take DAYS to get the mess washed out of my clothes and make my swordhilt stop feeling slippery! Panel 5. PEERING: Waitaminnit - Worms? Giant, slimy Worms? Maybe we ought to stop and catch a few, even if Lean won't help! I'll bet I could catch some HUGE fish if I had them for bait! RANT: Peering, Peering, Peering, what am I going to do with you? It was DAVID EDDINGS who wrote a fantasy epic where one of the hero's best friends was a humble, hardworking, loveable blacksmith who was OBSESSED with going fishing at every opportunity! PEERING: Oh, was it? I'm sorry, Rant, I forgot! RANT: So you, my blacksmith friend, will just have to find something ELSE to be obsessed with! As I once told Mad, we don't dare give the "Jordan is a Ruthless Plagiarist!" people any further ammunition! Panel 6.
PEERING: Maybe how long it takes to find it is dependent on whether or not he thinks you're trying to sell magazine subscriptions? Page 25.
JOLLY: "Peas" be unto you! I "yam" the Jolly Green Giant, one of the last remnants of the Age of Legends! "Wood" you like to come into my home? NIGHT'MARE (to Morphine): I didn't realize he talked with a speech impediment! Caused by that burn mark on one side of his head? MORPHINE: Er, no. Those things you heard as clumsy mispronunciations are actually meant to be plant-based puns. NIGHT'MARE: Well, excuse me for living, but I never DID have a sense of humor! MORPHINE: Believe me, we'd already noticed. Panel 2. Jolly is looking intently at Rant. JOLLY: Child of the Dragon! Your people "rose" again! It has been long since I "seed" anyone like you! RANT: Dragon? Dragon? Oh no! I have absolutely no connection with Dragons in any way, shape, or form! Wrong number, Mac! JOLLY: Terribly sorry about my error! "Wheat" can I do to make it up to you? MORPHINE: We're looking for the legendary Eye Scream of the World, actually
. . .
Panel 3.
RANT (thinking): I was one of the people the Moredrawl in the Two-and-a-half Rivers wanted . . . Babbles'on seems to have a special interest in afflicting me . . . I had some uncanny luck in the town of Five Kings when lightning just happened to blast open a barred window for my convenience . . . Lowdown the Phony Dragon seemed to be staring straight at me as if we had something in common . . . E'laidup the Ice Sedate said blood and terror surrounded my future . . . this Giant fellow seems to think I have some connection with the Dragon . . . what on earth could it all mean? Probably just one huge assemblage of coincidences! Panel 4.
EGGING: That's the Eye Scream? But . . . what IS it? MORPHINE: I'm glad you asked that question! The big white ball is a
super-duper scoop of pure, solidified Scream, the component of the Fun
Power which is exclusively channeled by males! We females must needs be
content with channeling Smilk, the other half of the Fun Power. Fortunately
Smilk was never damaged by the Dork One's influence, and those who are
addicted to it are able to totally avoid the tragic fate of male channelers
who seem themselves getting fatter and fatter in the mirror, until finally
they are so obese that the shock drives them stark raving mad!
Panel 5.
JOLLY: Actually, since the stuff stays miraculously cold, I decided it made a great refrigeration unit! You see all that brown liquid around it? PEERING: Yes? JOLLY: That's the consolidated results of 3000 years of producing root beer to pass the time! Keep it cold enough and it never spoils! Panel 6. EGGING: Morphine Sedate, are you SURE the same thing can't happen to us Smilk users? I'd HATE to end up losing my girlish figure! MORPHINE: Don't worry, child! Scream is fattening, but Smilk is actually non-fattening, or even anti-fattening! Women who use it ALWAYS end up with trim waistlines and graceful movements, as well as aging incredibly slowly and never developing wrinkles, even though most of us don't travel much, we have an unlimited budget and can eat all the food we want, we seldom do calisthenics, and we NEVER, ever, use artificial sweeteners to improve our diet! NIGHT'MARE: Really? Morphine, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for several days now, but I just never got around to it! I want to sign up with the Off-White Tower too! It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the revelations you just disclosed, of course! MORPHINE: Naturally, dear. We believe you! LEAN (muttering to himself): You know, in all my years at the Off-White
Tower, I have never yet met a FAT Ice Sedate! NOW I understand why!
Panel 1.
A'GIMME'MORE: At last, we have reached the legendary Eye Scream of the World! Your friend Mad led us to it! An old friend, an old enemy, and for crying out loud, don't ask me to how explain how the taint of Shutup Lookout could be an old friend when it only came into being about 2300 years ago and I was sound asleep at the time! I don't make up these lines, I just read ‘em from the script! MORPHINE: (GASP!) These must be two of the Mistaken, the Dork One's most powerful and clueless servants! EGGING: Most clueless? MORPHINE: Of course! You didn't think he would ever promote someone smart enough to conquer the world just for THEMSELVES and leave HIM moldering in prison, did you? Panel 2.
BADOLDSMELL: Listen, plant-man, just stay out of the way and let me into that cave! JOLLY: I may look like a shrinking violet, but I can give you a "turf" time! BADOLDSMELL: Hmmm. He's attacking me! I could teleport away from him . . . I could stop him with a shield of solidified air . . . I could disintegrate him with balefire (except nobody knows that exists yet, not until Book 3!) . . . I know! I'll set him on fire and watch him slowly burn! Panel 3.
BADOLDSMELL: ARRRRGH! Get them off me! JOLLY: Pity you're not Irish, laddy, or you might appreciate this chance
to give "The Wearing o'The Green" a whole new meaning!
Panel 4.
A'GIMME'MORE: Poor old Badoldsmell how I'll miss him . . . the only of the Mistaken who could ever be clueless enough to let a walking, talking, angry plant just walk right up to within arm's reach of him, so it could turn him into a compost heap! MAD: Tell me, Mister Mistaken, Sir, would you care to make a small wager on that? A'GIMME'MORE: Sure! I feel expansive, I'll give you twenty-to-one odds that no other Mistaken dies in a similarly asinine fashion before the end of the series! MAD: Done! I'll bet a hundred gold against your two thousand! A'GIMME'MORE: When should we settle up? MAD: How about the day before Tarmon Gai'don? Odds are that AFTER the battle at least one us will be dead! A'GIMME'MORE: Fair enough! I'll be seeing you then! Now, what was I about to do? RANT: Er, retire to your country estate for meditation and prayer in search of enlightenment? A'GIMME'MORE: No, that wasn't it - I don't even HAVE a country estate
anymore!. . . wait just a minute, boys, it will come to me . . .
Panel 5.
RANT: Look, I'm really pressed for time, so I'll just drain off some of the power you're sucking from the Eye, kill you with it, and move on to the next panel! Not that I have any training in how to do these things, but Jordan and Larry both want a "quick and easy fix" to this problem! A'GIMME'MORE: Curses! I'm a victim of story structure! Got my first onstage appearance in the FINAL big scene of the book, just in time to be the token "dead bad guy" before they wrap it up entirely! Bury me not on the lone prairie-e-e-e-e . . . [his voice trails off into smaller and smaller letters as he dies]. Panel 6.
SOUND EFFECTS: Ugh! Aaaargh! Take THAT! So's your old man! RANT: Hey! Suddenly I'm overlooking the site of a big battle between the TourBlock hordes and the heroic Shoeshine'aran cavalry! At least, I THINK that's what's going on! All the dust being raised in the fracas makes it impossible to see much detail! Maybe if I wished for an electric light . . . Page 27. Panel 1.
SOUND EFFECT: SHAZAM! RANT: Oops! Not QUITE what I had in mind . . . but if, by sheer luck, those bolts only killed the TourBlocks and NOT the humans, I'll claim all the credit later and say it was sheer genius that let me win the battle for them! If it DIDN'T work out that way, I'll pretend I had nothing to do with it! Panel 3. BABBLES'ON: Now I have you where I want you, whelp! Surrender or I will kill you! RANT: Oh, like I'm really going to believe you're not going to kill me anyway if I DO surrender? Forget it! BABBLES'ON: Surrender or I'll torture your mother's ghost! RANT: That MUST be the lamest excuse for a threat that I have EVER heard! BABBLES'ON: Surrender and I will make you a junior partner! When I rule the entire world, you can have ten percent of my net income, after operating expenses are deducted! RANT: Nonsense! Got to be ten percent of the GROSS, or no deal! BABBLES'ON: Why, you insolent pup! Now I WILL kill you! Panel 3.. RANT: Don't ask me why, but I have this sudden irresistible urge to chop at that giant cord I just happened to notice connecting to your body . . . and since you're just standing there not doing anything in particular to stop me . . . BABBLES'ON: AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHH! RANT: Touched a nerve, did I? Now try eating a burst of solid LIGHT to your chest! BABBLES'ON: The heartburn . . . the heartburn . . . must have . . . Alka-Seltzer! Panel 4.
NIGHT'MARE: Rant? Rant? Are you all right? The Mistaken are gone! What happened? RANT: I . . . I . . . I can channel! MORPHINE: That's right, Rant. You see, you're the Dragon Retorn, reincarnated into a new body to fulfill your destiny! You must fight the Dork One and go crazy all over again! RANT: But . . . I ALREADY fought the Dork One! It's all over but the shouting! Panel 5. RANT: Yes! It's finally over! I defeated the Dork One! He's dead! And all I suffered for my trouble was one silly brand on the palm of one hand! That's not half bad! I'm a champion! I can retire at the age of 19! The series is OVER! Yippee! No more books full of clueless behavior from all and sundry! EGGING: At last, I understand why they call him "Rant!" NIGHT'MARE: I know what you mean. The "all'Star" part was pretty obvious, but I never did get the point of the first part of his name . . . MAD: Man, if that was the Last Battle, then I'll never get the chance to collect on that bet with A'gimmemore! MORPHINE: Lean, what does our copy of the Secret Master Script say the total length of this series will be? LEAN (flicking through a sheaf of papers): Er, Jordan has said it will be at least 4 - I mean 6 - I mean 8 - I mean 10 - I mean at least ELEVEN books all put together! MORPHINE: In that case, do you think the Dork One is already DEAD? LEAN: Are you kidding? MORPHINE: I just don't have the heart to tell him, though. YOU tell him! LEAN: ME? I get paid to fight TourBlocks and Moredrawls and the occasional Mistaken, but you don't offer NEARLY enough to make me tell the Dragon Retorn that he's only completed one-ELEVENTH of this misery! Couldn't you mail him an anonymous letter? CAPTION: And on that hopeful note, we will conclude this volume of derring-do with these words of wisdom - as long as Jordan keeps writing them, we'll keep plagiarizing - AHEM, that is to say, we'll keep PARODYING them! But, like Jordan, we'll not guarantee any set schedule, especially since he actually gets PAID for what he does and we emphatically DON'T, so don't hold your breath waiting for the next one! AFTERWORD I'm sorry about putting the puns in quotes in Jolly's dialogue, but at least one of the Boards where I post these things doesn't accept standard HTML tags, which is probably one reason I have never yet developed the habit of putting key words in italics in my various WoT posts. I just put them in all caps instead, which would be a terrible habit if I were writing these manuscripts for professional publication instead of unpaid labor posted on the Internet, where standards are lower :) I'm sorry to say it, but this is the last of the WoT parodies for awhile. Aside from the fact that I've been devoting more time to my creative writing, there's also the fear that I'm beginning to run out of jokes, or somehow lose my skewed perspective on WoT events. This last episode was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be, and either I didn't make it nearly as funny as I wanted it, or else I'm losing my ability to tell whether or not a given episode is in fact hilarious. Either way, it's time for a vacation. I suppose I will in fact try my hand at a TGH parody - SOMEDAY - but it probably won't even begin with the next four months. GRATUITOUS PLUG However, if you want to see some more of my thinking about the silly
cliches that get used over and over in Heroic Fantasy stories, you might
visit www.randland.net/fantasy/
where I have posted several items in my "Heroic Fantasy Cliches" series
of articles. That URL is the site of the Fantasy Freaks Forum, but due
to some sort of server problem, old posts can still be read but no new
posts can be added to the Forum right now. However, there is a link at
the top of that page to
Raina's Hold / Raina's
Library / Other People's Humour / The
Eye Scream of the World
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