| The Eye Scream of the World, Part Four
If you missed the first three installments (or just want to refresh your memory), they are available at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/1815/wot/Scream.html. If you can't be bothered to go read them right now, just bear in mind that this is meant to be a Mad Magazine-style parody of the first WoT book, and you'll catch on quick. The plot will seem at least vaguely familiar :) INTRODUCTORY COMMENTS: It has been necessary to rearrange and compress
the chronological sequence of certain events. After all, if Jordan could
mess up his chronological ideas in the original material, why shouldn't
I be allowed the same luxury? (For those of you who missed it, in TGH the
word ‘week' is used more than once in contexts that strongly indicate a
WoT week is the same as ours, the standard seven days. In LoC Glossary,
it was firmly stated that a WoT week is 10 days, which really, really messes
up any effort to understand the amount of elapsed time in TGH if you try
to go back and assume that a reference to thirteen weeks at Tar Valon actually
meant 130 days instead of 91.)
Page 12. Panel 1. RANT: Well, Mad, we must have run two miles before we stopped! How long do you think it will take that Moredrawl to catch up with us if Tom-Tom didn't kill it? Five minutes? Ten minutes? After all, they have greater stamina than normal men and can slide through shadows to go faster! MAD: Actually, Rant, my copy of the script says we aren't scheduled to meet another Moredrawl for many pages to come! By the way, we are required to assume that Tom-Tom died so his reappearance in the next volume will come as a major shock! RANT: Why doesn't anybody ever show ME a copy of the script? MAD: Confidentially, I think they're afraid you'd chicken out if you knew what you were in for! RANT: Thanks for sharing that with me.
Panel 2. FARMER: You want me to let you have supper tonight, breakfast tomorrow, and a place to sleep? What do you offer in return? RANT: If you don't treat us properly, we'll keep you up all night while I play the flute and my buddy sings a serenade! MAD (crooning): Ten thousand bottles of beer on the wall / Ten thousand bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / Nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! RANT: Not that he ever took singing lessons, but practice makes perfect as we say in the Two- and-a-half Rivers! FARMER: Come on in! Glad to have you for dinner! MAD: Boy, Rant, we sure learned a lot from that old gleeclubman! Panel 3. ELSE: Ooh, Rant, that was so masterful, the way you bullied my father into letting you join us for dinner! I'll bet you could even bully him into letting me elope with you! RANT: Yeah, I'll bet he would. One less mouth to feed. Thanks but no thanks. MAD: Rant, you're hopeless! Always chasing anything young and pretty in skirts! You're liable to be a corrupting influence on me if this continues! RANT: That's like saying I might get so arrogant I gave Morphine the creeps! FOOTNOTE: Of course, that could never happen. He was just being ironic. As you will recall, Irony (along with Foreshadowing) is one of your surefire Guides to Quality Literature! Panel 4. RANT: Mad, I had another terrible dream last night! Eyes of flame and a strange ranting voice and ravings about something called the Eye Scream of the World (what a silly name!) . . . do you realize what this means? MAD: Yep! We NEVER should have let them talk us into having second helpings of the pepperoni/sausage pizza with extra anchovies! Especially with no Alka-Seltzer in the house! No wonder our dreams were troubled! Panel 5.
MAD: Steal? What do you mean, steal? My precious, here, was my birthday present! Should we stick with Rant or strike out on our own, my precious? Hmm? RANT: Mad! Mad! Get a grip on yourself, man! MAD: I . . . I . . . I don't know what came over me just then! RANT: Well, watch out! Talk that way again and the "Jordan Must Have Plagiarized Tolkien" Society will tear us apart in court! Page 13. Panel 1. WAGONMASTER: Hello, we are the Travelling Folk! We are always on the move, we never set foot in big cities, we suffer discrimination from everyone else, and we eat nothing but plant life! EGGING: Why, exactly, do you feel it necessary to keep your distance from other people? WAGONMASTER: I'll give you one hint! Across the length and breadth of the land, our nickname is The Stinkers! PEERING: I noticed. Have you ever considered bathing daily? Or every other day? Weekly, even? WAGONMASTER: That would require settling down in one spot next to a
reliable source of clean water!
Panel 2.
PEERING: Er, that's nice (whatever it may mean), but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with me - WAGONMASTER: Now, I know you people will be in a hurry to rush off to keep an appointment with your friends, so we'll just pack you a lunch and - EGGING: But we're not ready to leave yet! WAGONMASTER: Don't be difficult! We only appeared onstage in this "Stinkers" cameo to tell you that rumor about the Eye Scream of the World! Now we have an urgent engagement over in Anne McCaffrey's RENEGADES OF PERN as the traveling caravan of iconoclastic wanderers, and then we have an engagement in one of Terry Brooks's novels as "Rovers," and then . . . ELYES: That's downsizing in the 1990s, kids! SF/Fantasy authors in general have had to cut way back on the budget for the "minor stock characters" department! People like my friends here have to appear in books by several different authors in rotation in order to make enough money to keep body and soul together! Panel 3.
PEERING: You're just a bundle of cheer today, aren't you? Do you realize how easy it would be for the Dork One to win if all he has to do is send a bunch of ravens after his worst enemies and we promptly start killing EACH OTHER? ELYES: Shhh! You realize it, and I realize it, but the Dork One DOESN'T realize it! They don't call him the Dork One for nothing, so don't give him any bright ideas! I suspect he'll NEVER do this "massive raven attack" thing again in any later book if we don't tell him how badly it scares us! Panel 4.
EGGING: You mean, the same way they NEVER enter the city of Shutup Lookout? ALLYES: Shut up, kid, you bother me. I guess it's time for me to give you a history lesson about the High King, Arthur "NOT the guy from FIRST KNIGHT or EXCALIBUR" Gawking! PEERING: Why, is it mandatory that you sign our report cards to prove that we attended the Boring Ancient History We'll Never Need To Know Seminary before they let us graduate to the next book? Why don't you just sign those cards now and get it over with, and then we can all get some sleep! I swear we'll never tell on you! Panel 5.
EGGING: Peering, I think these Brightcloak fanatics are fighting Elyes! PEERING: That's tough, but we'll just to stay here and hope they don't notice us! EGGING: But they might kill him! PEERING: He knew the risks. EGGING: I Think they just killed your favorite wolf buddy! All it did was rip out one man's throat first! PEERING: WHY, THOSE COLD-BLOODED MURDERERS! HOW DARE THEY ABUSE A POOR WOLF THAT ONLY THE VICTIM OF ITS OWN FOOD-GATHERING INSTINCTS? I'LL KILL ‘EM! Panel 6. PYRE: Okay, boss, I've got a casualty report! We lost nine guys, so square that and multiply by ten . . . I estimate we killed at least 810 of the enemy, mostly wolves but a few human Dorkfriends as well! Too bad the survivors dragged off all the bodies! JETTISON BORNBALD: Pyre, remind me. Where did you first study the fine art of Casualty Estimates? PYRE: In the ‘police action' in the obscure region known as Niet'vam, sir! We calculated the enemy lost a hundred times as many soldiers in each battle as we did! BORNBALD: Right up until the point where we finally had to quit and pull out our few surviving troops? PYRE: A freak occurrence! Our morale was low, that's all! One more big push and we would have wiped out the enemy ENTIRELY! Page 14. Panel 1. EGGING: Actually, we're from the land of the Two-and-a-Half Rivers! TourBlocks and Moredrawls have been chasing us all over the map! An Ice Sedate was with us for awhile, but we got separated from her at the city of Shutup Lookout! And those wolves that killed some of your men aren't so bad, they're just misunderstood! So you see, it's all VERY simple, really! BORNBALD: I must say, child, that I would HATE to hear what you would call complicated! I don't believe a word of it, and I'm going to hang your friend for murder as soon as we get back to headquarters! PEERING: Stuffy, messed-up legal system! So what if I chopped a few people in half, what kind of crime is that compared to violating Animal Rights? Panel 2.
MORPHINE: We've finally managed to catch up with the captors of Peering and Egging and must ponder ways and means of rescuing them! NIGHT'MARE: We already knew that! Why are you repeating it? MORPHINE: To be on the safe side! Some readers NEVER examine captions, you know! You have to put the text right in the middle of the pretty pictures underneath in order to get their attention! Panel 3.
MORPHINE: Just like that? Are you out of your MIND? LEAN: Actually, Morphine, I think that's a fine idea! Not that I'm trying to impress a certain pretty girl with daredevil heroics, you understand! No, I have always known that I am already married to death and there's no room in my life for someone else! I have - MORPHINE: That's nice, Lean, but - LEAN: - Always felt that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and after all, I can hardly ask a WOMAN to go down into the middle of an enemy encampment when I'm the one who's supposed to be the self-sacrificing BodyGuarder! In fact - MORPHINE: You made your point, Lean. LEAN: I might even do it with one hand tied behind my back and blindfolded, just to show that I CAN! That's the kind of reckless, fearless, totally-uninterested-in-flirting-with-the-girls guy that I am! If you - MORPHINE (in very large type): LEAN! LEAN (in a very small voice): Yes? MORPHINE: Shut up. Panel 4.
NIGHT'MARE: Of course not! (Are you listening carefully, Lean?) MORPHINE: I propose you sneak down to where they have the horses picketed and cut the lines! Be sure to steal a few horses for us, and don't let the sentries see you! NIGHT'MARE: You wouldn't be trying to get rid of me by sending me on a suicide mission, would you? MORPHINE: How can you think such a thing? NIGHT'MARE: Just a wild thought.
Panel 5.
NIGHTEVE: Peering, why have your eyes turned yellow? PEERING: Er . . . ah . . . I've been eating nothing but cornbread and honey for the past month, and all the yellow food coloring stuff ended up migrating to my eyeballs! NIGHTEVE: Hmm . . . either the foodstuffs in this neck of the woods
are full of artificial dyes and flavorings, or you've become a much better
liar than you were back home Which could it be?
Page 15.
MAD: My best guess would be that the first settlers of the area were playing poker, and someone had an extra King up his sleeve, and won everybody else's homesteads before they caught on! So he owned the whole town and got to name it after his winning method! RANT: I don't know why I ever bother to ask for your opinion, anyway. MAD: Without ME around, where could you possibly find a traveling companion who would make YOU look smart by comparison? RANT: Good point! Panel 2.
INNKEEPER: We don't just hire ANYONE in here! You have to meet our standards! RANT: We'll perform for food, lodging, and no cash necessary! INNKEEPER: No cash? You must be psychic! Those were exactly the standards you needed to meet! Panel 3.
MAD: Rant, there's a suspicious looking fellow who just came in. He doesn't quite seem to fit in with the rest of this place's clientele, and he keeps staring at us. RANT: Hmm? Which one is he? MAD: You can't miss him! He's the only one who isn't trying to get drunk as fast as possible! He keeps sipping from a glass of . . . LEMONADE! RANT: NOW I see him! You're right, that IS peculiar! Do you think he might be spying on us? Panel 4.
INNKEEPER: Here you are, gentlemen! All the comforts of home! I reserve this room for people I particularly like! MAD: Gee, how quaint! Steel bars across the window . . . no way to lock the door from the INSIDE . . . no candles or lanterns . . . the roof leaks . . . a bunch of junk tossed in the corners . . . actually, it reminds me of a prison cell! INNKEEPER: That's what I said! All the comforts of home! RANT (in a mutter): For crying out loud, Mad, don't ask him where he spent his childhood! Panel 5.
SOMEONE: Knock knock! RANT: Who's there? SOMEONE: Abyssinia! RANT: Abyssinia who? SOMEONE: Abyssinia come out of that room the easy way or the hard way! MAD: I know we managed to jam the door, Rant, but we haven't made any headway on the barred window! Do you think we ought to go along quietly with this guy? After all, he DOES have a sense of humor! RANT: Mad, there are a few basic values that a man has to live by, and one of them is, never trust anyone who thinks "knock knock" jokes are funny! Especially if he thinks "Abyssinia" sounds like "I'll be seeing ya!" MAD: It was nice of you to gratuitously explain that awful pun to our readers, Rant! Most of them probably didn't have a clue! Panel 6. RANT: Man, if only we COULD find a way to get out of this room! SFX: KABOOM! MAD: Gee, you wished we could get out . . . and lightning blasted open the window! It was like magic! What could that mean? RANT: Sheer coincidence, of course! That ta'verner luck we keep hearing about! Where better for it to manifest itself than inside a ta'vern? MAD: As I said before, you are sure are lucky to have a traveling companion dumb enough to fall for that one! WILL Rand and Mad be able to outrun their problems as they always have before? WHEN will they finally be rejoined by Morphine and the others, who have the conspicuous advantage of riding horses and yet keep lagging behind? WHY does the Dork One intend to melt the legendary Eye Scream of the World? HOW long will it be before Larry publishes his next parody, considering that he doesn't even get paid for his strenuous labors in this direction? These and other questions are easily addressed with those classic words of wisdom, "Your guess is as good as mine!" Raina's Hold / Raina's
Library / Other People's Humour / The
Eye Scream of the World
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