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The Eye Scream of the World, Part 3 by Larry Homer INTRO: For those of you who missed the first and second installments (for shame!) this is my ongoing effort to do a parody of the first volume in the Wheel of Time, in the style favored by Mad Magazine when it pokes fun at various notable films, TV shows, etc. Unfortunately there's not much chance this well ever be sold to Mad, because their typical feature is maybe 6 or 7 pages long at worst, and I felt the bulk of TEOTW required a somewhat longer treatment. If I had any training in graphic design, I might draw cartoons to match the script and publish the silly thing myself, but that isn't feasible. Which probably explains why I often don't bother to describe the visual appearance of each panel the way I should if this were really going to be drawn by an artist to my specifications. So just concentrate really hard and try to imagine the humorous, exaggerated appearance of all the major characters! If you've ever seen a Mad Magazine parody of one of your favorite movies (such as the various episodes of Star Wars), you'll probably find this easier to visualize. If not, I hope the text alone is enough to make you chuckle, giggle, or whatever it is you normally do when expressing vast amusement (assuming it's legal). Page 8.
RANT: To avoid the attention of any Dorkfriends who might be lurking in this city? LEAN: Actually, it's to avoid the attention of the Innkeeper so we don't have to pay our bill! Just one of the little tricks you learn when you spend your life constantly on the move! Pay close attention, kids, you're getting a real education from this trip! Panel 2.
INNKEEPER: Hello, Morphine Sedate! You wouldn't be trying to sneak out without paying, would you? MORPHINE: The wheel weaves as the wheel wills, and there are some things man is not meant to know. Pay the man, Lean, but Innkeeper, be thou warned that Dorkfriends may come looking for us and for your own good you should be polite to them! INNKEEPER: Hah! Think you can fool me that easily? I'm not going to let you trick me into helping Dorkfriends! I'll toss them out on their ears so hard they bounce! MORPHINE: At least I tried to warn him!
Panel 3. EGGING: That was really neat, Morphine Sedate, the way you made yourself look about twenty feet tall to scare those guys who tried to stop us at the gate! Will you do that again to scare the TourBlocks? MORPHINE: Actually, child, I will NEVER use it again! The author figures it would just get boring if it happened in too many battles! RANT: But it's such an effective tool! LEAN: Sheepherder, what did we tell you people about not expecting Ice Sedates to be logical? Don't make me warn you again! FOOTNOTE: Due to lack of space, we have cut the "Giant Morphine" scene.
Panel 4. PEERING: Gee, something back in the middle of town just went up in flames! Near as I can tell, it's in the area of the inn we just left, give or take a block! EGGING: Must be sheer coincidence! It probably doesn't have anything to with us! TOM-TOM: Tell me, girl, are you a charter member of the Diehard Optimists club back home? EGGING: Why, yes! How did you know? TOM-TOM: Lucky guess. Panel 5.
MORPHINE: What makes you so sure? TOURBLOCK CHORUS (singing from offstage): Over hill, over dale, we have hit the dusty trail, as those TourBlocks go marching along! LEAN: Call it a hunch. Page 9.
RANT: Stupid TourBlocks! MORPHINE: Then we'll head off in another direction entirely and try to increase our head start over our pursuers before their Moredrawls figure out why they haven't caught up with us yet! PEERING: Stupid Moredrawls! MORPHINE: Then we'll duck straight into the accursed city of Shutup Lookout, where no Moredrawl or TourBlock would ever DREAM of setting foot! MAD (muttering under his breath, in small type): Why do I get the terrible feeling those "stupid" TourBlocks and Moredrawls know something we don't? Panel 2.
SIGN: Attention Weary Travelers! This apparently abandoned city is just that! Abandoned! It is NOT the home of an evil bloodsucking insane spiritual force with insomnia! Feel free to come in and rest all you like, and nothing will bother you! Honest! We can also make you a good deal on a bridge in Brooklyn! MORPHINE: This doesn't look so bad, Lean! Almost welcoming! LEAN: I don't know, Morphine. Maybe we should just go right on through and set up camp on the other side of the city? Maybe the TourBlocks, when they get this far, will drag their feet and not want to go any further? MORPHINE: Nonsense, Lean! Panel 3.
RANT: Guys, I just had an idea! The three of us should sneak off into this dark, gloomy, foreboding city and hunt for treasure! PEERING: Brilliant! And we won't tell Morphine Sedate where we're going because she'd just tell us not to! MAD: Amazing! You guys are finally starting to think like me! I knew I'd convert you eventually! MOREDEATH: Ah, you lads sound like my kind of people! Panel 4. RANT: Who are you? MOREDEATH: My name is Moredeath and I'm a treasure hunter! I need help carrying it all out of the dungeon where I found a few tons of the stuff! PEERING: Hey, with a name like Moredeath, how could we not trust him on sight? MAT: Good point, Peering! Let's not even embarrass him by asking why, if the treasure is so easy to find, nobody else has come in and carted it off at any point in the 2300 years since this city became abandoned! Panel 5.
MOREDEATH: Take whatever you want, boys! RANT: Why don't you have a shadow, sir? MOREDEATH: Darn! You HAD to ask the wrong question! Now I'll just have to kill you! MAD: Hey, it's no big deal! We're not bigoted about a little thing like a shadow! Don't let it ruin what could still be a great friendship! MOREDEATH: Sorry, you had your chance and you blew it! Panel 6. RANT: Well, we outran him! I think we're going to survive this one! PEERING: Does it occur to you guys that so far the most effective strategy we've found for dealing with the bad guys is to run away at top speed? MAD: Hey, whatever works! PEERING: But we're supposed to be the HEROES of this story, aren't we? What kind of epic will this be if we just run away from everything? RANT: Don't worry, Peering! As soon as I'm a bit tougher and more powerful, I promise to behave as clueless and fearless as possible to prove I've got the right stuff! PEERING: Er . . . thanks for clearing that up. Takes a BIG load off my mind. Page 10.
RANT: Did anybody write all that down? I lost track of the questions and don't want to answer them in the wrong order! LEAN: We've got bigger things to worry about! A hundred TourBlocks and
four Moredrawls are coming across the city looking for us!
Panel 2.
LEAN: Er, Morphine, don't you think we should take care to stay closer to the rest of the main party? MORPHINE: What for? What could go wrong with them a mere hundred feet behind us? I dare you to name two things! LEAN: Well, the TourBlocks and Moredrawl could come up from behind and grab the ta'verners before we knew they were there, or - MOREDRAWL (offstage): There they-all are! ‘Most close enough for you-all
TourBlocks to grab ‘em from behind afore the Ice Sedate and her buddy sees
us comin'!
Panel 3. A arm of ugly fog suddenly extends across the street cutting off Lean and Morphine from the others behind them. Lan seems to be yelling in shock. LEAN: Or the evil bloodsucking insomniac fog could separate us from them! MORPHINE: All right, that's two things, but I'll bet you can't think of a THIRD one! LEAN: Listen up, you sheepherder types! It's time for me to reveal one of the arcane bits of military lore that's only taught to Warders at the Off-White Tower! When nothing else works, panic, spur your horse, and ride like CRAZY until you find a way out of a trap! Or get killed! Whichever comes first! RANT: That's . . . brilliant! I never would have thought of it! PEERING: We sure are lucky to have an old war veteran like Lean around to share his wisdom with us! MAD: Maybe tomorrow he'll teach us another strategy, like "Try to outnumber the enemy before you start a war with him!" MORPHINE: If I don't know better, I'd think these uncultured sheepherders were already mastering the fine art of sarcasm! Panel 4.
RANT: Well, in true heroic fashion we managed to get the TourBlocks to follow US instead of the ladies! MAD: Yeah, what a lucky break . . . but remember, next time it's THEIR turn to be the decoys for US! TOM-TOM: AHOY THE BOAT! Stand by for passengers! There are TourBlocks right behind us! Panel 5. BOYL: How were you planning to pay for your tickets? This ship ain't a charity, you know! That Sword of Unbreakable Material might do the trick! TOM-TOM: Counteroffer! I'll tell stories to amuse your crew for the entire trip! BOYL: Okay, forget the sword. But I still want all the money the three of you have in your pockets! TOM-TOM: I'll sing and play the harp too! BOYL: You merciless negotiator! Rather than that, I'll settle for a silver piece from each of you! TOM-TOM: I warn you, I'll also let my untrained apprentices play the flute and sing off-key! BOYL: You wouldn't dare! But I'll come down to fifty cents a head! TOM-TOM: Done deal!
Page 11. Panel 1.
PEERING: Well, Egging, we made it across the river! You were riding Lugosi through the water so fast I could barely keep up with you with my strong swimming! But I think everyone else lost track of us in the confusion! EGGING: Darn! That was YOU swimming after me? I wanted it to be Rant! Something that Minx girl in Barrelof'fun said gave me the idea to try to get the two of us separated from the rest of the party for awhile! PEERING: I'm sorry. But look on the bright side! Maybe you'll meet some rich, handsome, sincere Prince Charming type who outshines Rant six ways from Sunday and marry him instead! EGGING: Hmm. That's not a bad idea, Peering! FOOTNOTE: Ah ha! You thought we were going to let a few pages go by without another sample of foreshadowing (Your Guide to Quality Literature), didn't you? Guess again! Panel 2. ALLYES: Hello, Peering! I talk to wolves! They say you can learn to do it too! You and I are the first of our kind in thousands of years, and the fact that we're coming back into fashion suggests the Dragon Retorn will be showing up soon for his epic battle with the Dork One! EGGING: What else do the wolves say? ALLYES: They say it's a good thing you and the girl got soaked in the river the other night, because you desperately needed a bath! Too bad you didn't have any soap along! EGGING: I know wolves have a great sense of smell, but at least humans still take the prize for tact! Panel 3.
NIGHT'MARE: You mean to bully and manipulate people, and withhold vital
information, and
MORPHINE: You could also have the attention, day and night, of a big rugged hunk of Bodyguarder like Lean who was sworn to do anything you wanted! NIGHT'MARE: Well . . . I'll THINK about it, but I'm not promising anything! Panel 4.
MAD: I think I can make it out! The classic mark of the greatest achievement of the ancient civilization that ruled this land thousands of years ago! Two golden arches soaring up above the skyline like a great . . . big . . . M! RANT: One of these days our author's subtle plugs for certain 20th Century commercial products is going to go too far! Panel 5.
RANT: Gee, Tom, those daggers are causing fireworks when they clash with his evil sword! I thought only weapons wrought with the Fun Power did that! Are those your best daggers? TOM-TOM: No, these Fun-Power-wrought blades are my second-best daggers! I lost my BEST ones back at Shutup Lookout! They were miniature heatseeking missiles with a ten thousand year warranty! MOREDRAWL: Ah ask you, suh, is this a duel to the death oah a shouting match? Raina's Hold / Raina's
Library / Other People's Humour / The
Eye Scream of the World
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