by Larry Homer

NOTE: The current spoof-title is very weak. I'll probably change it without notice. This is meant as the sort of treatment of WoT that Mad Magazine might do if they ever got around to it. Future installments will not be written on any set schedule, this one just sort of happened by sheer accident, much like a case of spontaneous combustion occurring in your wastebasket just because it had been a few years since you emptied it out and washed away the chemical deposits from rotting materials of various types. Where was I? Oh yes, please let me know if you actually enjoyed it. If nobody likes it, I probably won't inflict any more of them on you (maybe).

Splash page. Lined up facing us we have the principal characters of the series. But first, we have the introductory paragraph as a caption across the top:

CAPTION: The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one age, called the Absurd Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind arose across the land of the Two-and-a-half Rivers. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time - despite any number of nasty letters arriving in Jordan's mailbox every morning from disgruntled fans, including several promised lawsuits for mental cruelty and unconstitutional torture, and not a few threats of suicide and.or murder if the problem is not quickly alleviated by, at the very least, a public pledge to have the whole series wrapped up in a mere three more books or else promise that any book after the next three will be handed out free of charge over the Internet to anyone who asks for it, in recognition of their long and faithful service in paying through the nose for the privilege of reading the first eleven and making Jordan independently wealthy - but it was *a* beginning. Specifically a beginning to a Mad Magazine - style parody which hopefully won't drag out quite as long as the original model has been doing, if only because the humble Creator of this parody doesn't get paid a dime in royalties (you ingrates!) and thus has no financial incentive to make him constantly revise his estimates on how long it will take to hit the grand finale.

RANT: Hello, I'm Rant all'Star! Subtle hints will be dropped throughout the first volume that I am the destined savior of humanity, but I'll miss every last one of them! Really sounds like I'm the kind of alert, streetwise, fast-thinking guy you want to trust with your life, eh? But don't worry!

MADTL: Hello, I'm Mad Caughtin'theact! I'm always pulling practical jokes and never quite getting away with them! You'd think I'd learn, but hey, with a minimum of eleven volumes to fill Jordan can't afford to let go of a good idea once he gets his hands on it! Later I'll give up the practical jokes in favor of other pursuits! Does this mean I will become a more mature character with better judgment in how to spend my time? Get real! I'm going to make loads of money in various types of gambling and wild risk-taking transactions, while chasing every pretty woman in sight! In a previous life I think I used the name Donald Trump!

PEERING: Hello, I'm Peering ayBore . As we open up the series, I'm so fundamentally moral, reliable, patient, hardworking, and generally wholesome that the real mystery is why these two bozoes named Rant all'Star and Mad Caughtin'theact are the best I can do in the way of friends! But I have a secret, sordid side - before this first book is over I'll be an animal rights activist who thinks nothing of taking the law into his own hands and chopping human beings in half because they actually had the unmitigated gall to defend themselves when attacked by poor homeless wolves who were merely seeking sustenance for their young!

EGGING: Hello, I'm Egging All'Them'on! For the last couple of years Rant and I have had a certain understanding, as we say here in the land of Two-and-a-half Rivers! I understand that we're going to get married someday, and he understands that I won't bash his head in with a frying pan if he doesn't raise petty arguments about never having actually popped the question to me!

NIGHTEVE: Hello, I'm Nighteve al'Mare! I was named Nighteve because I was born just as evening was turning into pitch blackness, and my father couldn't decide if "Night" or "Eve" was more appropriate, so he dithered around and finally tried to name me both! Typical woolheaded male! But my friends find "Nighteve al'Mare" is an awkward, four-syllable mouthful to say, so they all have a pet nickname for me: "Night'Mare!"

Page 2. Panel 1. Rant and his father, Spam, are in a wagon riding into town through the woods. Rant is looking back over his shoulder. A dark figure is lurking in the background.

RANT: Dad! Dad! I think a mysterious black-garbed rider is staring at us! There's something about him that gives me the creeps! 

SPAM: Like what?

RANT: He wears a black cloak that doesn't even flutter in the wind!

SPAM: Big deal.

RANT: He doesn't have any eyeballs!

SPAM: So what?

RANT: I think he's wearing a sword, too!

SPAM: LIGHT PRESERVE US! HE MUST BE A REVENUE AGENT FROM THE GOVERNMENT! TWO-AND-A-HALF RIVERS FOLKS NEVER WEAR SWORDS! GIDDYUP, LUGOSI!

Panel 2. The wagon is now stopped in the middle of town. Spam is looking back over his shoulder.

SPAM: Well, we outran him, Rant! And a good thing too, when we've got a fresh barrel of moonshine here for the Bell Time festivities!

RANT: Yeah, whatever . . .

Panel 3: Rant and Egging, seen in profile, he looks bashful (and is!), she looks demure (as if!).

RANT: Hey, Egging! Do you want to, er, you know, um . . . 

EGGING: Dance with you at the party?

RANT: Er . . .

EGGING: And hold your hand while we watch the fireworks?

RANT: Well . . .

EGGING: And maybe smooch a little in the dark?

RANT: Um . . .

EGGING: Oh, I really don't know if I'm ready for our relationship to get that serious, Rant! You're getting so pushy about these things!

RANT: Gee, I'm sorry!

EGGING: But against my better judgment, I MIGHT condescend to dance with you!

RANT: You - you would?

EGGING: Oh, you silver-tongued devil, you talked me into it! How could I ever refuse you?

Panel 4. Rant and Spam are unloading the barrels of moonshine.

SPAM: Son, it's almost shameful the way you flirt with that girl! When are you thinking of getting married? Not that I'm trying to push you into anything! Nosiree, "Let kids lead their own lives!" has always been my motto and always will be! Could you name the first boy after me? I'll understand if you have to name the tyke after HER daddy instead, as long as the second one is named after me!

RANT: But dad, I don't remember saying I wanted to marry Gwan! 

SPAM: Son, I'm ashamed of you! I thought I taught you better than that! This is no time to be getting cold feet! A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! You have to follow through on your obligations!

Panel 5: Mad and Peering come running up. 

MAD & PEERING (in unison): Rant! Rant! Guess what! There are STRANGERS in town!

RANT: What kind of strangers?

MAD: Well, there's a gleeclubman, and a lady dressed in blue, and her bodyguard, and -

RANT (covering his mouth with his hand): Yawn.

PEERING: And Pathetic Faint, the travelling salesman! Of course he's not really a stranger, but -

RANT: PATHETIC FAINT? Oh boy oh boy oh boy! 

PANEL 6: Rant is running through the streets of the village, with Mad and Peering tearing along right behind him.

MAD: Rant! (Pant) Rant! (Pant)! Why are you in such a (pant) hurry to find (pant) Pathetic Faint (Pant), Rant (Pant)? You're running so fast (pant), I can (pant) barely keep up without (pant) panging, Pant! I mean Rant! (Pant)

RANT: Because last year when he came through here, I gave him my life's savings and ordered something really special!

PEERING: Did you order a Warder Secret Decoder Ring, Rant?

RANT: NO!

PEERING: Was it a "Complete Guide to boring life on a sheep farm," Rant?

RANT: NO!

Page 3. Panel 1. Rant runs up to where Faint is outside his wagon.

FAINT (orating to the crowd): I'm telling you, ladies and gents, it's terrible out there! We've got Phony Dragons, Artificially Sweetened Dragons, Low-Cal Dragons, and even Two For the Price of One" Dragons! But not one - not ONE of these brave challengers for the role of most powerful and utterly insane legendary figure come back to life - has been able to show the credentials that will prove him The Dragon Retorn!

RANT: Mister Faint! Mister Faint! Did you get it? Did you bring my special order? Did ya? Huh? Huh?

FAINT: Here ya go, kid. Now scram, ya bother me!

Panel 2: All three are clustered together as Rant opens up the package.

PEERING: What is it, Rant?

MAD: Is it a collection of marked cards and loaded dice? I could have LOTS of fun with those! And I've give you half the net!

RANT: No!

MAD: Okay, half the GROSS! You drive a hard bargain, but you ARE my friend!

RANT: I mean No, it's not crooked gambling stuff! It's my dream come true - a complete edition of the Travels of Jane Stridentfarer, the loudest and best-traveled female lecturer in recorded history! After all, guys, let's face facts! I'm never going to go anywhere! Reading about her incredible lecture tours is the closest I'll come to being a globetrotter!

FOOTNOTE: In case you missed it, gentle readers, this is a classic instance of irony. Your guide to quality literature!

Panel 3. Rant and Spam are in the wagon again, heading back to the farm.

RANT: But Dad, why did we both go into Town to deliver a few barrels of moonshine if we were going to come right back to the farm, and THEN back to town again, before the party? And why did I have to come with you when there's nothing on the farm that you can't do for yourself!

SPAM: Shush your mouth, boy! When your daddy - who happens to be a walking, talking, plot device to arrange to have you in the right place at the right time - tells you to do something, you do it! My copy of the script (which I ain't allowed to show you) says there are major occurrences scheduled for Page 3, Panel 5!

RANT: C'mon dad, just a peek at it?

SPAM: No, son, I'm under strict orders to never tell you anything that could conceivably help you understand your origin or the current machinations of the plot occurring "offstage" and "behind the scenes"! But don't feel left out! A million readers are stuck in the same boat! There's a recurring rumor that even Jordan himself hasn't quite worked out what's "really" happening in his own story and is hoping one of his fans will figure it out first and tell him in time for the grand finale where everything has to revealed at once!

RANT: Man, that's what I call tight security!

Panel 4. Spam is coming to the dinner table, wearing plate armor and carrying a sword.

RANT: Dad? There's something different about the way you're fixed up for dinner tonight!

SPAM: Ahem! Are you suggesting there's anything strange about my suddenly pulling on my +3 Plate Armor, Boots of Sturdiness, and Longsword of Unbreakable Material before sitting down at a quiet meal with my own son, even if it *is* the first time in 19 years that you've even realized I owned such gear?

RANT: Well, actually I was thinking about the weird way you parted your hair on the left instead of right down the middle like you always do when you wash up, but now that you mention it . . . gee, does your secret script say that your old military gear is necessary for the next surprise Plot Twist?

SPAM: Enough of your paranoid suspicious, son! Let's have some chow!

SFX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

RANT: Who could that be at the door?

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE: Open up, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll BLO-O-O-O-OW your house down!

RANT: Ah, sounds like it's just Peering doing one of his crazy "Big Bad Wolf" imitations again. I'll get it!

Panel 5. We see Rant's back as he stands framed in the doorway. Looming over him are a couple of big, ugly, armored, furry, fanged TourBlocks! And of course there are more behind them . . .

RANT: Mad? Peering? Didn't I used to be taller than either one of you? Either you guys have had an unexpected final growth spurt when I wasn't looking, or . . .

TOURBLOCK: Come with Narrrrrgh quietly, little human, and you won't get hurt!

SECOND TOURBLOCK: CHUCKLE! That's a good one, Narrrrrgh! You almost sounded like you meant it!

SPAM: STAND BACK, SON!

Panel 6. Rant and Spam are huddling in the bushes as the Tour

RANT: That was really impressive, Dad! I mean, the way you hadn't touched a sword in nineteen years and then when a bunch of TourLocks showed up, you skewered half of them even if they had twice your height and reach! How did you do it?

SPAM: I told you I was a plot device, son! You had to survive this first brush with death or the series was going to look like a short story! But I got wounded in the process, just badly enough that you'll have to drag me back to town while those monsters are looting and burning our house! There's just one thing that comforts me in this tragic time . . .

RANT: That your one and only son is still alive and well to take care of you?

SPAM: No, that our Homeowner's Insurance is paid up through the end of the year! We'll collect a bundle after this is over!

RANT: Oh, right!

Panel 7. Rant is dragging his father's stretcher through the trees.

RANT: Poor dad has been overcome by the nasty infection he got from a Trolloc's dirty blade! It's making his rave deliriously!

SPAM: You're not my son, Rant! I found you on a battlefield in the middle of the snow! Took you home to the wife! It was all Lehman's fault! He chopped down the wrong tree to make the paper for the new edition of Lehman's Catalogue!

RANT: But - what if he's NOT delirious? What if it's really true?

SPAM: Yes, Senator, I agree! The government SHOULD stop paying farmers a subsidy in years when they DON'T grow food! If the market can't handle all the food they can grow, let them find some other line of work in which to be economically productive!

RANT: No sane farmer would say that! He IS delirious! Whew! Takes a big load off my mind! For a minute there I was afraid the fact that I had hair and eyes and stature greater than that of any other human being in the Two Rivers might be a hint that I wasn't related to Spam at all! Thank goodness we don't have DNA testing, or I might actually be forced to believe it!

WHY are TourBlocks called by that incredibly silly name? WHEN will Rant finally stop travelling back and forth between his farm and the village and venture into such wild escapades as travelling to the NEXT village north of hom? WHAT are the secrets of the three Strangers who have arrived in town, whom we never even saw onstage in this episode? HOW much money would it take to prevent Larry Homer from writing the next episode and forcing you all to read it? These and other burning questions questions of the day will probably not be resolved in Part 2, but there is always the faint hope!

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / The Eye Scream of the World