| Special Edition: Have Another Taint
Chapter One “Where are we now?” “Temporarily between places we recognise.” “In other words, lost?” “We never get lost.” “That was what you said last time…” The darkness is slowly lifting. It reveals six travellers, six wanderers of the world, six people who have so far survived all that that world has managed to throw at them, even each other. Six people who are, by the way, totally insane. “Yes,” Shadar agrees, “but it was fun last time, wasn’t it?” The darkness continues to lift, thus revealing more of the place in which our travellers have found themselves. As their eyes grow accustomed to the light, they look around to see… “A tavern!” Sycho exclaims. “Great!” “Hi there! Welcome to the Golden Aiel tavern!” A man dressed in cadin’sor but with glowing golden eyes waves at them from behind the bar. “The beer is in the fridge and the nuts are all over the board, but personally I’d recommend the Taint. Who are you guys, anyway?” “I’m Sycho.” “So are the rest of us, but what’s your name?” “No, that is his name,” Shani clarifies. “He’s Sycho, these are Shadar, Shaiel, Someone, Snarg, and I’m Shani. Why are you recommending the taint? We’re all mad already.” “Not the taint, the Taint. It’s a drink. It’s – what was in it again, Havoc?” “One ounce essence of the Dark One, one ounce essence of Fire, thirty-eight ounces of Kandori vodka,” another man supplies. “And a cherry.” “Right. You might not actually want to think about the ingredients, though. Anyway, why don’t you find a table and sit down, and I’ll bring you all one? I’m Rith, by the way.” “Nice meeting you.” Shadar and Shani, followed by the other four, make their way across the crowded room to a table with six empty seats. “Hi there,” a dark man at the table greets them. “I’m the 14th Forsaken. You can call me T14F, but formally my title is Nae’blis.” “Excuse me,” Someone breaks in, “but I don’t think that’s right. My sources of information suggest that the Nae’blis is one Moridin, otherwise known as Ishamael or Elan Morin Tedronai -” “No, I’m afraid you’re wrong there,” T14F says calmly. “Would you like me to explain?” “Yes, please.” The self-proclaimed Nae’blis smiles and stands up, as the rest of the table falls silent. “When the title of Nae’blis was taken
His tablemates applaud, as he sits down with the air of having given a perfectly good explanation. “You use limericks to prove points a lot?” Shadar says. “Oh, certainly,” another man says, another Aiel with a vague resemblance to Couladin. “For example, there was this point -” “There once was a girl named Faile
“Hey,” a Saldaean woman interrupts him, “how about this one?” “There once was a guy called Car'a'carn
“Touche!” “How can there be female Dragons?” Sycho wants to know. “That’s a long, long story - ” Another voice chimes in. “There once was a girl called Leanna
“Raina!” Shani, Shadar, Sycho, Shaiel, Someone and Snarg exclaim simultaneously. “What are you doing here?” “Drinking a Taint, reciting limericks and writing. How could I write this episode properly if I wasn’t here to see it?” “There’s something very odd about that logic,” Shani remarks. “This is a very odd place,” the narrator replies. “Anyway, around here I go by Leanna. And before you lot interrupted, I was explaining the Female Dragon argument.” “Sorry.” Raina, aka Leanna, continues serenely. “She was finally proved right
“And that, in a nutshell, is the story of the Female Dragon. We argued over whether it was possible, and although the naysayers still haven’t all admitted it, the yaysayers finally won.” “You did not!” “Did so!” “Did not!” “See what I mean? Anyway, the argument is academic. According to the rules of this place there is a female Dragon, namely me.” Leanna grins. “And the male Dragon is someone you might find familiar – he’s sitting over there - ” They look. “Hey!” Shadar exclaims. “Hi,” Shadar replies. “Two of them?” Shani demands. “Isn’t one enough?” “More than enough?” Shaiel adds. “Definitely,” the 14th Forsaken agrees. Oddly, though, his voice is coming from a different place. "One of any of us is enough.” They look at him, confused. “Sorry. I’m T14F’s other self.” Shaiel rolls her eyes. Shani returns to the subject. “Well, I don’t see any reason there can’t be a female Dragon. I can cause chaos as well if not better than any man. But what’s Shadar doing in two places at once?” “There’s a distinction,” the second Shadar explains. “I’m Shadar the Mad.” “So am I!” the first Shadar retorts. “No, you’re Shadar the mad. I’m Shadar – the Mad!” “Is there a difference?” “Only in semantics.” “So – you are just as much of an insane, illogical, maniacal genius as I am, and you enjoy causing chaos just as much as I do?” “Right.” Both Shadars grin. Those sitting nearest them edge away. “Hey.” T14F – the first one – leans over to Shaiel. “Would you like to dance?” Shaiel immediately reaches for her spears. “No, not that kind of dance! Let’s twirl. What do you mean, you’ve never twirled before?” The Nae’blis stands up again, pulling a pretty girl beside him to her feet. “C’mon, Webbie, let’s demonstrate. Music, please!” From somewhere or other, a band starts playing. A long long time ago
The 14th Forsaken and Weflicker twirl to the music. And I knew if she had her chance
“Right.” The original couple stop dancing, and T14F bows to Shaiel. “So now that you know about twirling, would you care to dance with me?” Weflicker grins mischievously, and grabs hold of Sycho. “Hey, nice helmet!” Both couples spin out onto the dance floor. (Although, even without spears, Shaiel’s dance retains a certain warlike quality, and Sycho’s a certain – well – clumsiness.) Shadar (the mad-without-a-capital-M Shadar) looks at them, shrugs, and turns to Leanna. “May I have this dance, Creator?” Shani leans over to tap Shadar (the one with the capital M) on the shoulder. “May I have this dance, crazy guy?” They twirl away. As the music booms out (Bye, bye, Mistress Moiraine Sedai) Someone and Snarg are left at the table. Someone is writing furiously, of course, but Snarg looks glum. “No one twirl with Snarg,” the Trolloc mourns. “Never mind.” Rith has just come over with a tray of drinks. “Here’s your Taint.” Snarg reaches out for the glass, and gulps it down. His eyes bulge. His face turns red. Smoke comes from his ears. He is finally able, if hoarsely, to speak. “That good drink!” Havoc grins. Someone looks at the effects of the Taint on Snarg, and decides to give his a miss. Weflicker and Sycho come off the dance floor and collapse into chairs. Well, Sycho collapses, anyway. Weflicker looks disappointed. “He can’t dance! Hey, Trolloc, can you twirl?” Snarg immediately brightens. “Snarg twirl great!” They twirl off. Snarg, as it happens, is a surprisingly graceful dancer. Sycho is the one looking glum now. He reaches for the Taint in front of him. “I wouldn’t,” Someone warns him. “Why not?” Sycho tips back the glass and swallows. “Wow – that’s a strong one - ” He takes another gulp, already somewhat unsteady. “Wow. Hey, what’s with the monkey at that table?” “OOK!” “He isn’t a monkey!” the small dog nearby translates. “Well, he looks like a monkey.” “OOOK!” “He’s the Librarian!” “Huh. Still…looks like a monkey…to…me…” The effects of the Taint finally catch up on Sycho, and he falls backward onto the floor. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!” The Librarian reaches two very large hands toward Sycho. An even bigger hand comes down on the orangutan’s shoulder. “Hey,” Snarg rumbles. “Sycho stupid. But Snarg be butt of jokes if Sycho gone. So leave Sycho alone!” The Librarian sits back down. Snarg twirls away again. Someone pauses in writing. “What’s a dog doing here?” he inquires. “Not any dog,” the small creature corrects him. “I am Pablo – the Wonder Chihuahua!” He indicates another, slightly smaller, chihuahua nearby. “And this is my fiancee, Lolita.” “I stand corrected. Do you come here often?” “Of course. I write the music for the band!” Helter-skelter in a summer swelter,
“Really?” “Really. Listen, here’s one of my best.” Pablo snaps his fingers – well, his paws. The music switches immediately. Bonded to my Warder (uh huh, uh huh)
The singer (whose name, by the way, is of course Karja) gets a round of applause as the song goes on. The dancers twirl faster. “Very nice.” Someone keeps taking notes, listening to various conversations. Phrases pop out at him. “Vote for Tuon!” “Fresh Aes Sedai juice! Get your Aes Sedai juice here!” A number of fireballs hit the spot where the speaker was a moment before. “Once upon a time, I saw a shark bite a whale.” “Hey! Why haven’t I had any lines yet?” (And at this point I decided the episode was getting way too long, and split it into two parts. You can read chapter 2 here.) Raina's Hold / Raina's
Library / Raina's Library - Original Humour
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