Warning: This fanfic is rated S because some parts, and really the entire fanfic, tends toward excessive sillyness. Standard disclaimers apply- I didn't create anything but the bad guys. Sailor Moon: The Rejected Episodes A continuing fanfic by Kristin Renee Taylor Episode 4: "Dreams" [Setting: The Lake at Sunset. Usagi and Mamoru are sitting on a bench, staring at the setting sun. Usagi snuggles up to him and he puts his arm around her. They look up into each other's eyes. Their heads move closer... Closer... Closer...] Luna(voice only): Will the two of you kiss already? [Usagi turns to her right and blows a raspberry. Luna, perched on the branch of a nearby tree, rolls her eyes.] Luna(sarcastic): *Very* mature, Usagi-chan. Usagi: Why don't you just go somewhere else? Luna: Because somebody needs to make sure that you get home in time to do your homework. [Usagi sticks her tounge out and returns to staring into Mamoru's eyes.] Usagi(soft): Oh, Mamo-chan... Mamoru(soft): Usako... [They move to kiss.] Luna(irritated): Gag me. [Before contact occurs, Usagi whirls around. Mamoru doesn't notice and winds up getting smacked by her ponytails.] Mamoru: Ack! [Usagi searches around, finds a rock, and throws it Luna. The cat doesn't even move as the rock sails off somewhere to her right.] Luna(sarcastic): Nice shot, Usagi-chan. Usagi: Why you dirty little -- C'mon Mamo-chan! We'll find someplace private to smooch! [She stands and stalks off past Mamoru, not noticing that one of her ponytails somehow manages to wrap itself around his neck.] Mamoru(startled): Eh, Usako... [Usagi keeps walking. Mamoru clutches his throat, unsuceussfully trying to remove Usagi's steadily tightening hair.] Luna: Why don't you just get up, Cape Boy? Mamoru(strangled): I -- *urk* -- can't -- *choke* -- help... [Mamoru passes out. He topples from the bench. Usagi's hair yanks her back and she crashes next to him.] Usagi: Oh my God! Mamo-chan! [She unwraps her hair and rolls him onto his back.] Usagi: I hope I remember how to give mouth-to-mouth properly. [She proceeds to give him mouth-to-mouth. Mamoru's eyes shoot open. He realizes what is happening and gives the camera the "thumb's up" sign. Luna rolls her eyes again and sighs.] [Setting: A dance club. Loud music is playing (currently Cher's "Believe") and people are out on the dance floor. With the exception of the strobe lights, it's really dark. Around the floor are many tables, some occupied. Sitting at one table are Minako and Rei dressed in dance club attire.] Minako(shouts): Not bad for an American dance club, ne Rei-chan? Rei(shouts): What? I can't hear you! Minako(shouts): What did you say? Rei(shouts): I can't hear you, Minako-chan! Minako(shakes head, shouts): I'm sorry, Rei-chan, but I can't hear a word you're saying! Rei(shouts): What? Minako(shouts): Never mind! [Cher is replaced by Harvey Dangers' "Flagpole Sitta".] Minako(shouts): I never understand the point of this song. Rei(shouts): Neither do I, but I think it's about a crazy guy. Minako(shouts): Oh. [They listen for several seconds.] Rei(shouts): Should I even bother asking how you managed to get ahold of fake IDs? Minako(singing): 'Put me in the hospital for nerves And then they had to commit me. You told them all I was crazy. They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, God--' Rei(shouts): Hello Minako-chan! Did you hear me? Minako(shouts): Huh? What did you say, Rei-chan? [Rei mutters something acidic.] Rei(shouts): Where'd you get the IDs? Minako(shouts): Ask Mako-chan. She got them for me. Rei(shouts): Where is Mako-chan? Minako(shouts): Last I saw she was with this group of American hunks. [Music change: A funky 70's disco remix. After a few beats, Makoto waltzes up to them with three embarresed looking American sailors in tow.] Makoto(shouts, slurred, to sailors): Here they are. (to Minako and Rei) Hey guys! Howz it hangin'? Rei(shouts): Mako-chan, are you drunk? Makoto(shouts): No... Wait. Define 'drunk.' [Rei buries her head into her hands and sighs heavily.] Minako(shouts): Who's your friends? Makoto(shouts): This is Joey-san, Butch-san, and Emilio-san. They're sailors. [She points to each in turn.] Minako(shouts): Yeah, so I noticed. Makoto(shouts): I told them that we're sailors, too. I don't think they understood me though, cuz they only speak English. [She drops into a nearby chair.] Makoto(small): I don't feel so good... [Makoto passes out on the table with a thud. Minako sighs and stands.] Minako(English): I must apologize for my friend. I have no idea how she managed to get you guys to buy her alcohol. Especially since her language skills are as crappy as another friend of mine. Joey(English): Actually, we had no clue she was Japanese. Minako(English, surprised): But her accent... [The trio of men look at each other in confusion.] Joey(English): What accent? [Minako glances at Makoto and realizes that the taller Senshi is mumbling in her sleep. She leans down to hear her.] Makoto(perfect, flawless English): No, I don't want one of those. What would I do with it, silly? (shocked) I couldn't do *that*! My mom would kill me! (amused) Don't let anybody else hear you say that... (sighs) Oh, Ryouga-chan... (giggle) Sure, I'll call you P-chan instead... [Minako straightens up, looking faintly ill.] Minako(thought): That's it. No more Ranma 1/2 for her. (aloud) I think it's time we got Mako-chan home, ne Rei-chan? Rei: Yeah. Whatever. [Minako jabs Rei (who glares at her) and smiles politely at the sailors. She grabs one of Makoto's arms. Rei takes the other and, together, they manage to get her into a standing position.] Minako(English, shouts): It's been really nice meeting you. [The three Americans wave and walk off. Rei and Minako share a look. Rei nudges Makoto.] Rei(angry): Hey, Little Miss Plastered? Makoto(groggy): Huh? Rei: Think you can walk straight? Makoto(groggy): Define 'straight.' Rei(muttered): Kami-sama help me, before I kill her. [Setting: Makoto's Apartment. From the front door there is the sound of muffled swearing.] Rei(muffled): Dang it! Hold her up, Minako-chan. Minako(muffled): Okay, but hurry it up. She's starting to drool on me. [The door opens to admit two very tired looking senshi and one totally wasted senshi. Minako helps/carries/drags Makoto to the couch while Rei closes the door.] Minako: Maybe we should've transformed. It might've made carrying her easier. Rei(angry): No. If I was Sailor Mars now, I'd proabably kick her drunken butt. Minako: Well, we've still got to get her to her bedroom. Rei: Says who? Minako(shocked): We just can't leave her here, Rei-chan. Rei: Oh yeah? Watch me. [Rei leaves. Minako glances at Makoto, then at the open door. She sighs.] Minako: She could've at least waited for me. [Minako carefully shifts Makoto so that she's laying on her stomach.] Minako: Okay, Mako-chan. Don't puke till you're sober. [Minako leaves.] [Setting: Makoto in a bed (we can't see the rest of the room). Makoto groans and stirs.] Makoto(muttered): Man, I feel awful. I think I overdid the sake last night. [She rolls onto her back and stretches. Her arm hits something that groans drowsily.] Makoto(startled): Huh? [She sits up and rips the covers off of the other side of the bed. A girl is sleeping there. She opens her eyes and peers blearily at Makoto. Then she bolts upright.] Alielle: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Makoto: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Alielle: Who the hell are you? Where's Fatora? Makoto: I'm Kino Makoto and what are you doing in my bed? And who is Fatora? Alielle(blinks): Your Makoto? What happened to you? Voice One: We meant to tell you, Alielle. Voice Two: We just never found the time. Alielle(angry): Shayla? Nanami? What is going on? [Two women pop in from out of nowhere, greatly scaring Makoto.] Nanami: Um well. You see... Shayla-Shayla: Makoto had an unfortunte accident with a cursed Chinese spring. Whenever cold water gets thrown on him, he turns into a girl. Alielle(grins): Is that so? Well, I can certainly see a benefit to that curse. [Makoto screams and leaps out of the bed.] Makoto: You are not going to touch me, you wacko! (pauses) Wait a minute, 'cursed Chinese spring?' (horrified) Oh no. OH NO. (wails) I'm stuck in the Ranmaverse!!!!! Shayla: We've already been through this, Makoto. You are stuck in El-Hazard. [A wall explodes behind them, shattering debris everywhere. A man is left standing in the gaping hole.] Fujisawa(shouts): Where's my sake? I can't stand being sober! (pauses, apalled) Makoto-san, how dare you insult your school by getting a sex-change operation! FUJISAWA KICK!!! Makoto(panicking):AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! [Makoto turns and runs-- --Straight into another wall, knocking herself out cold.] [Setting: An immense laboratory. A short, schololy looking woman in glasses in a white lab coat (Dr. Drexyl) is standing in front of the entrance to a large room. Occasionaly she will look at the clipboard she's holding and will make notes on it. From within the room there is a loud boom then an insane giggle.] Drexyl: Interesting. [Stephanine, looking tired, and the purple-haired woman from episode three walk over to her.] Stephanie: Hello, Dr. Drexyl. Drexyl: Hmm... [***BOOM***. Giggle] Stephanie: Lupis tells me that things are going according to plan. Drexyl(absently): That's good, dear. [***BOOM***. Giggle] Stephanie: Then I take it that you've sucuessfully brought Jadeite out of his stasis? Drexyl: In a manner of speaking, yes. [***BOOM***. Giggle] Stephanie: What do you mean? Did you have trouble unthawing him? Drexyl: Oh no. Not at all. [***BOOM***. Giggle] Stephaine: Then what is it? Drexyl: Well, although we took many precautions, we just didn't realize -- [***BOOM***. Giggle] Drexyl: -- how strong Beryl's magic affected Jadeite's mind. Stephanie: So in other words? [***BOOM***. Giggle] Stephanie(annoyed): What *is* that noise? Drexyl(smiles): In other words, Jadeite is nuts. (points to the room) Take a look for yourself. [***BOOM***. Giggle] [Stephanie glances at the woman behind her. The woman shrugs. Stephanie sighs and turns to look into the room. Inside the room is a single bed. Sitting on the bed, still in his uniform, is Jadeite, grinning like the madman that he is. Jadeite lifts his right hand and points his index finger at his mouth. His thumb is sticking out and his other three fingers are curled in. Still grinning, he brings his thumb down to touch his index finger. There is a loud boom as fire and smoke erupts from his finger. It is quickly followed by an insane giggle. When the smoke clears, Jadeite's mouth is laying on the bed beside him. He picks it up with his other hand and puts it back on his face. Grinning, he lifts his right hand to his mouth... Stephanie stares at this for five minutes. Slowly she turns to stare at Dr. Drexyl.] Stephanie: What is going on? Drexyl: That's just it; we don't know. After we defrosted him, I had him placed in this isolated chamber. Shortly thereafter, he sat down on the bed and started doing that. Stephanie: And what, pray tell, is he doing? Drexyl: Why, isn't it obvious? He's shooting his mouth off. [Stephanie has developed another facial twitch. Behind her, the woman is banging her head against a wall.] Stephanie(strained): Is he doing that with magic? Drexyl: No. (pauses, smiles) He's using a handgun. Stephanie(weary): If I didn't value my own life so intensly, I'd shoot myself. Drexyl(shrugs): Hey, I can't help it if he's using puns as weapons. [Stephanie massages her temples.] Drexyl: There is, however, a plus side to all of this. Stephanie(weary): Which is? Drexyl: His insanity can be harnessed and distilled. Stephanie(blinks): What? [Drexyl withdraws a small vial containing a green, glowing liquid from her labcoat.] Drexyl: Presenting FALCORP's new product: Insanity for men. We should have Insanity for women ready any day now. Stephanie(takes vial): What does it do? Drexyl: Just what it says. It makes the person go completly nuts. But I must warn you, there are side effects. Stephanie: Which are? Drexyl: Well, the victim's particular insanity stems from what they were thinking about at the time they were exposed to the insanity drug. Woman: Hey, Steph, let me see that. [Stephanie hands the vial to the woman, not noticing that she accidentally spills a drop on herself.] Drexyl: And then there's the little problem that, because Jadeite's insanity was partially caused by magic, whatever the victim thinks is happening is somehow manifested in the physical plane. [Stephanie is humming. She blinks in surprise.] Stephanie: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Doc. I was just a little pre-occupied at the moment. I was thinking of the oddest thing... Ahem, at any rate, what did you say? Drexyl(sighs): I said if the victim thinks it's happening, then it will happen in real life. Stephanie(absently): Is that so? (to woman) Tell Lupis that I want this stuff spread all over the city. And tell him I want him to do the spreading personally. Got it? [The woman gives the vial to Dr. Drexyl. She salutes and vanishes in a flash of purple light.] Stephanie(to herself): This may be a good day after all... Drexyl: Um, Ms. Hawks? Are you okay? [Stephanie smiles a smile that screams "The men in white are coming to take me away!". Dr. Drexyl takes a step back and shudders.] Stephanie(still smiling that creepy smile of hers, sweetly): Of course I'm okay, Dr. Drexyl. Why wouldn't I be? [She tilts her head back and starts to laugh insanely. She stops abrubtly, regaining all of her self-control in an instant. Dr. Drexyl takes another step back.] Stephanie(scary): If you tell anyone else about my chocolate, I *will* kill you. [Stephanie turns and walks away.] Drexyl(slow): Ooookay. [She glances at Jadeite.] Drexyl: And I thought you were nuts. [Jadeite grins insanely.] Jadeite(serious): I'm not nuts. I'm Tofu. Are you in need of a doctor? [Fade out.] ******THE END (for now!)****** Criticisms? Comments? Ideas? Send them to me at gelles@yahoo.com This has been a production of Blueberry Enterprises.