Sic Transit Vir
Reviewed by Lady Keela Shanri
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After all the craziness caused by the breaking away of the station from Earth, Babylon 5 decides to take a bit of a breather from the arc with a romantic comedy--about ALIENS! Fine by me, especially if the aliens in question happen to be the CENTAURI!
A wonderfully funny, sweet, and touching episode, this is really a character piece for Vir, although Londo, Delenn, Sheridan, Ivanova, and two memorable guest stars all got good parts as well. It is worth mentioning that out of ALL the B5 characters, only THREE of them ever get actual whole episodes named after them--and TWO of those characters are Centauri! Heh heh...
When an episode STARTS with Ivanova casually strolling around C&C naked (it was a dream, of course), you KNOW you're in for a silly ride. And you are. Ivanova then tells a mischievious Sheridan an...EDITED version of the dream over breakfast. He says it's because her subconscious hasn't yet adjusted to the idea of all the huge changes they've just been through, and that, "Hey, it could have been worse. You COULD have been dreaming you were NAKED!" Big grin.
"Ha. Ha." Ivanova laughs nervously, then VERY quickly excuses herself...
Cut to Londo, who is going NUTS over a spider in his quarters. He throws furniture at it, stomps at it, calls Maintenance ("I HATE anything with 8 legs! Except the Vinzini, because they are so wonderfully bad at cards. I think it has something to do with the compound eyes...") but they hang up on him. He goes after the spider with a SWORD---which works, strangely enough. Then he freaks out even FURTHER as he realises that because it was smaller than he thought, there must be more of them.
A hilarious scene, but with a creepy undertone--let's think about this--what is he allied with? The Shadows. And WHAT do they look like...?
From there, we go to Centauri Prime (YAY), where we first meet someone who will eventually become an important recurring character by Season Five--"The No-Name Minister Dude", excellently played by Damian London. (Well, that's what I call him, the character's actual title in the credits is "Centauri Official" and he is called "The Minister". If you read the Purple File of my own character, Ranger Lufa Caldoni, you'll know that I refer to The No-Name Minister Dude as "Milo Caldoni" in that, but that is not, repeat, NOT the character's actual name. As far as I know, he never gets one despite being a wonderfully colourful character, dang Straczynski! I just HAD to name him something for the purposes of the story. Just wanted to keep you all from being, as Zathras would say, "confoozed.")
Anyway, as I said, we first meet The No-Name Minister Dude, a delightful little guy--and I do mean LITTLE--Great Maker, he's about 5 inches shorter than Vir--and Vir is not all that tall!--who seems perfectly smart and with-it as he instantly figures out that Londo has been writing "parts of" (try ALL of) Vir's reports on Minbar and assures Vir that here in the Royal Palace, they do NOT need to be protected from the truth, in fact, in these dangerous times, they NEED accurate information on what other worlds are doing. THEN he goes into total, absolute, complete DORK MODE, falling over himself with laughter about a really LAME joke involving angry Narns...
A decadent, twitchy, nervous, dorky--but NOT stupid--tiny little fop with hair that outdoes Londo's. Gotta love it.
Vir comes back to the station to find a surprise for him--his WIFE? But he's not married...yet. Lyndisty, a pretty but CREEPY young Centauri lady, has been engaged to him because his "star is rising" and it would be a good political match between their two houses. His statement that "when I cross under the swords and boughs, I want it to be for love" causes her to say he's a RADICAL, (interesting society, no? And I want to SEE this wedding ceremony!). Their "getting to know you" conversation is interrupted by Londo's ranting about the spiders--"I swear, they are evolving before my eyes! If you see anything this big" (gestures) "with eight legs, let me know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills." so they go out into the gardens to talk.
Meanwhile--and I really don't remember the exact sequence of events here, folks--other things are going on. More Narns than usual have been coming onto B5, and Zack Allen--after an unfortunate comment about how looking through the window in C&C makes him feel "naked", brings Ivanova interesting news. 2,000 Narns have been transferred to work camps near Centauri Prime, some of them moved through the station first (a-ha!) by some diplomat named "Abrahamo Lincolni"?!
Vir and Lyndisty are having a nice chat in the garden and she tries to convince him that since she WILL be his wife no matter what, it's already been done, he should just enjoy it. He protests and to shut him up--she kisses him.
You would think that this would make him all nervous--which it does ("If kisses could kill, that one would have flattened several small towns.")--and cause him to quickly back out of the room--but instead he kisses her BACK! Whoo-hoo, way to go, Vir! Hey, he DESERVES a girl. Just not THIS one...oh, boy...
Somewhere in the middle of all this, we have a subplot going on that is just about as silly if not more so--Sheridan, Delenn, and that infamous flarn. Sheridan asks Delenn if he can "see her" tonight, because he doesn't know when they'll have another quiet moment like this. "Are you not seeing me now?" she asks, confused about Human expressions. "I would think that you SEE me every time we meet, unless I have become translucent or insubstantial and no-one has thought to tell me until now." He explains that he meant he wanted to "see her" at a romantic candle-lit dinner in his quarters (whoo-hoo!), and she says yes.
She then regrets it as--(with a lovely shot of Sheridan's quarters showing the huge MESS his attempt at Minbari cuisine has caused)--the flarn he made turns out to be absolutely AWFUL. Delenn has learned a few tricks from all her association with Humans, however. "I like that picture, on that wall, over there", she says, pointing at a painting over Sheridan's shoulder. "I like that one myself", he says. DUMP DUMP DUMP she throws salt and pepper all over the flarn the INSTANT his back is turned...and it's STILL awful. She is saved from having to eat any more of it, however, when a call comes in from Security about an emergency just one floor down and Sheridan decides to take care of it himself.
He finds Vir and Lyndisty being attacked by an angry Narn (without a key...) with a short-sword and is almost killed when Security shows up and shoots the guy. Before he dies, he yells "SHON-KAR!", a Narn blood-oath.
But why would anyone swear a blood oath against sweet little Vir...?
Ivanova then calls Vir on the carpet about this whole "Abrahamo Lincolni" thing, since the papers were coming out of HIS office on Minbar. He admits to it, embarrassed, and then mentions something about his wife, which startles Ivanova and leads to one of THE funniest scenes in all B5 history. Ivanova is forced into the role of "mommy" for another alien diplomat, Vir stammers, stutters and never QUITE finishes a sentence for some time (both actors were just MILKING it, you could tell), and we learn a bit more about Centauri physiology. So, whether you like it or not, I will now quote as much of it as I can remember:
"What do women want when things get...you know..." Vir folds his hands and twiddles the fingers "...intimate?"
Ivanova blinks and starts backwards. "I don't think we should be having this conversation! Isn't there anyone else you could talk to...?"
"Only Londo, and he'd just laugh at me. Since...you're a...woman, I thought you might..."
"Well, there really isn't any one answer to that, Vir, I mean, every woman is different...if she's your WIFE, you must...know...a few things about her?"
"Blank slate." says Vir, spreading his hands.
"But there have been...other women...before...right?"
"Oh, yes, there have been other women. But I never got past one."
Blink. "Oh, first base", chuckles Ivanova. "Well--"
"No, I don't mean 'first base'," clarifies Vir. "I meant...one."
Blink.
Seeing that she does not understand, Vir elaborates, "We have six....ermm........we have six, you see. And each one is a different level of intimacy and pleasure. First you have one, which is...ehhhh..." (does the so-so gesture), then you have two, which is a LITTLE better, by the time you get as high as FIVE it's like" (grunt, moan, gesture, snarl...)
"OKAY, OKAY, I GOT IT! I GOT IT!!" yells the EXTREMELY flustered Ivanova, waving her hands out in front of her and backing away. "Well, um...enthusiasm, sensitivity, intelligence, and humour should be enough to get you through any difficulties you may have with...high numerical values."
Vir is VERY happy with this "advice" and scampers away to write it down, while the shell-shocked Susan is left muttering to herself, "SIX. Whoah."
And if all THIS wasn't enough fun for you, Delenn and Sheridan alMOST have their first KISS! Damn that Ivanova's timing...
We then cut to Lyndisty, the "psycho-bitch", who has tied up a Narn "for" Vir. She ALMOST killed him herself but she held herself back, for her DEAR husband.
SHUDDER!
Her father, she tells Vir, was responsible for "culling the herds" on Narn, he killed them all the time in cold blood--sometimes burned entire villages, and she not only helped him in this horrible work, she ENJOYED it. Gack.
Anyway, to make a long story short (TOO LATE) it turns out that the blood oath was sworn against Lyndisty, not Vir.
It also turns out that the Narns that Vir was moving around under the name of "Abrahamo Lincolni" were listed as DEAD. Londo is glad that Vir is finally "showing some initiative" but they are NOT dead, Vir just SAID they were. They were sick and injured Narns who were not getting proper treatment, so he was moving them to safer jobs and said that they were dead because the officials do not care about DEAD Narns, only living ones, so they wouldn't look too closely at his papers. Londo is deeply disappointed in Vir (but this is the first REAL initiative and brains he's shown so far!) and kicks him out of his position on Minbar. He is now just a lowly attaché again.
Sigh.
The episode ends with Lyndisty leaving the station, as her parents are rethinking the marriage, and Ivanova is named "The Official Babylon Five Sneak-in-Residence" because of her using SHERIDAN'S file photo to give "Abrahamo Lincolni" a face. Hey, the scam's worked this long, why not try to keep it going?
"And may I say, Captain, from the BOTTOM of my heart, that you make an absolutely CHARMING Centauri."
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