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Welcome to my blog. This is the newest stuff, but the old stuff can be found by clicking on the archive links to the right.. As always, I accept any and all comments, arguments, rants, and other assorted e-mails at this address. I don't respond to everything, but if you make a good point, provide something to argue about, make fun of me, make fun of yourself, make fun of someone else, or send in naked pictures of yourself, you stand a pretty good chance of seeing your letter in these not-so-illustrious pages. As for funny, check out Drake's page using the link on the Navigation Menu called 'Drake'.

Let's all do our part to save the manatee- eat 'em!
That's right. My plan for saving the manatee is simple, pleasurable, and profitable. We should eat them. This provides for all sorts of incentives, which is what every endangered species needs to survive. Let me explain my plan:

• Manatees have no uses.
• No one wants to save useless animals.
• Manatees are endangered.
• We eat cows.
• Cows will not go extinct anytime soon.
• We should eat manatees.

Simplicity in itself. If manatees had some sort of value, then people would have a reason to keep them around. Cows were endangered in the 18th century, but then some guy figured out that if you grind them up and mix them with the leavin's at the bottom of the toaster, and the white part of those eggs no one wants to eat, you get a fairly neat loaf of meat. Industry latched on to the idea, and now McDonald's is single-handedly responsible for keeping the cow population alive today. Oh, and they make good milk. Hell, manatees are mammals, too. If it's a a mammal, you can milk it. If you can milk it, someone on the internet will drink it for money. BAM! two uses for the manatee and I'm only into the second paragraph.

"But Cory, how did you come up with this idea? It's genius!" That's easy: tuna. Tuna fish are called "the chicken of the sea". Manatees are "the sea cow". Sea cow. I'm surprised no one thought of this before, it's so blindingly obvious. Use manatees like cows. If everyone starts asking for manatee burgers at restaurants, the food industry will eventually latch on to the idea. Then, it just takes a few days converting those tanks at Sea World, a few Killer Whale releases into the wild, and I just single-handedly saved a whole species. Damn, I'm frickin' awesome!

This idea is not unprecedented. There are lots of species of animal that people find useful, and that will never go extinct: minks, emus, bears, whales, rhinos- the list goes on and on. Sure, we have to kill these animals to get what we want, but we're not dumb enough to kill all the wild ones before we get at least a few into farms where we can breed and exploit them. Just look at the whales. Sure, we human beings hunted the hell out of them in the past few centuries, but I watch Discovery Channel and whales are on all the time. Not too bad for an endangered species, huh?
Eat the manatees, people. Trust me, they'll thank you for it.

No, You shouldn't be allowed to have whatever damn opinion you want!
We have a problem with respecting our own opinions today. Instead of people admitting that they are ignorant fucks, they'll argue for hours over stupid crap like "Did we go to the moon" or "is that a weed or a flower". People act as if they have a right to think whatever they want in the face of the facts, and then get argumentative about the stupidest shit not realizing their opinion doesn't matter at all. They feel that they have an opinion, and I should respect that, accept it even. They're acting like their opinion matters because it's theirs, and they can never be wrong even about stuff they've never heard of or cared about before. And then, when a valid argument comes their way, they disregard it, or even "agree to disagree". Agree to disagree? What the hell does that mean? That means neither side has a stronger argument; this happens almost every time morons get into disagreements. "You hit my car!" "No, you hit my car!" Get off the fucking road, then do what every man would in this situation: beat the hell out of each other until the cops arrive. Don't sit in the middle of the intersection, babbling on about who hit who and keeping me from getting wherever I'm going, because my trip to Wal-Mart for Q-Tips is so much more important than your bleeding wife's head trauma. Holy fuck, just get off the road already!

All of you who are thinking to yourself I can too have whatever opinion I want! should jam a frozen spoon into your left ear while tap-dancing to Hanson's Mmm-Bop. I bet you loved those opinion papers in high school because you thought you couldn't get bad grades. On tests, you used to be so smug when questions like "What, in your opinion, was the cause of the American Civil War. Cite three historians who would agree or disagree with you and why." popped up. You thought there was no way to get the answer wrong. Unfortunately, your teachers were overworked and underpaid, and didn't spend the time disillusioning you of these wrong beliefs. Yes, you can get an opinion question wrong. If your answer is different from mine, it's wrong. If your paper does not make any sort of coherent argument, your opinion is wrong. This is how it should be.

I have to tolerate the fact that anyone who thinks can form opinions. I don't have to like it; further, if I think you're unqualified to blather on about whatever you're trying to convince me of, I'm just going to walk away. For instance, the other day a girl from AT&T called me, trying to get me to sign up for long-distance. I told her I didn't even have long distance, and that the phone she called me on isn't even mine. It was her opinion that I should add long-distance, and since I was adding it, shouldn't I go with AT&T? I asked for her associate number, asked her to hold for a minute, went down to the central office, found her desk, and WHAM! karate-chopped her right arm completely off! Call me again and ask me to switch service, I dare you!

A person is qualified to hold an opinion in one of two cases: they have actual experience with whatever they're talking about, or they're me. Since I'm the only one in the second group, the rest of you had better be in the first group if you want to talk to me about anything. If you aren't, chances are you're wrong, and I'll do to you what I did to Stacy with AT&T- you'll be one arm short of a hand-stand before you can say "Please don't hurt me!".

Here's a quick grammar lesson.
I will go slow here, and use as few contractions as possible because so many of you are not capable of using them correctly. I'm going to focus on just a couple of words, as correcting all of your mistakes would take years, and may bring back memories of horrible Philippino Catholic nuns throwing erasers at my head because I have no clue how to speak Chamorro.

• The first word I want to discuss today is:

  They

  Used to refer to people in general.

• There are a lot of people in line at the bank.

  Correct:

  Those people have been waiting a long time.

  Also correct:

  They have been waiting a long time.

• The second word I'd like to talk about is:

  Their

  Used to denote possession. The possessive form of "they".

Correct:

Their watches are all set five minutes fast, so they have plenty of time to spare.

Are:

Second person singular and plural and first and third person plural present indicative of be.

• Here's a contraction now:

  They're

  A contraction of "they are". Can be used anywhere you could say "they are".

• The last word today is:

  There

  Meaning at or in that place (where place can also be a stage, moment, or point in time, or an argument point).
  

Correct:

Set that box down over there.

Now, all the incorrect usages of "they're", "there", and "their". Just because they sound alike doesn't mean they are used alike.

Incorrect:

There bank closes an hour later than ours.

Also Incorrect:

They're bank closes an our later than ours.

Correct:

Their bank closes an hour later than ours.

Incorrect:

There going to meet us at the restaurant.

Also Incorrect:

Their going to meet us at the restaurant.

Correct:

They're going to meet us at the restaurant.

Incorrect:

If we're late, I guess we will meet them their.

Also Incorrect:

If we're late, I guess we will meet them they're.

Correct:

If we're late, I guess we will meet them there.

You can remember these distinctions fairly easily with this handy sentence:

• They're looking for their thermometers over there.

There you have it. Now, if you're ever in doubt, come back here and see which context the word fits in before you use it. And if you ever use "u" for "you," or "ur" for "you are" or "your", you should take a big wrench and hit yourself in the head as hard as you can. Stop getting this wrong. It's all very simple. Unless you want people to think you're simple, I'd suggest learning what every third-grader in the world has already mastered. Crap, this is irritating.

If you're one of these people, shoot yourself.
LOL OMFG ROTF! Liek, i'm toootally all into this! ;) :p lol!!!!!!!1

I don't want to see this. EVER. If you're one of those people that has to use this kind of language on the Internet, I really hope you fall down a lot. And hurt yourself. The Web is a type-written medium. Fucking use it properly, or don't use it at all. There is no reason to perpetuate bad spelling, useless acronyms, and emoticons. I hate those damn smileys. Don't smile at me over the Internet, I'll kick your ass. And that winking one pisses me off the most. If you can't get you tone across through good writing, don't write anymore. Don't use some winking smiley face to tell me you're being sarcastic. Do it properly, and I'll know. Do it wrong, and you are not qualified to use the Internet anyway. Unplug your computer from the wall. Then, to be safe, unplug your monitor, your mouse, and your keyboard from the computer. Finally, take the keyboard and hit yourself in the head as hard as you can. Trust me, you deserve it.
Let me show you an example; a prime subject for my loathing. Here is a page I came across by typing those abbreviations and emoticons I hate most into Google.com. I'd like to post an excerpt, so you don't have to click on the link: your brain might, conceivably, fry due to the very high level of stupid known to emanate from the page.

yesterday soo good man sushi buffet YUMMY!!! ate soo much feels liek i gain 10 pounds :O ..... n then went out 4 ice-cap too soo super full law ... hmmmmmm nthin realli today say wtched paradise hotel today it was ok al .. ewwww ugli guy still on hahha .. ne hwo errrrrr i miss my bro my family is messed up i complain too much bout them ..... well to my bro @ least!!!!!! they r getitn me pissed off i want to run away ... but thers no good reason to ..... y coz they piss me off .... liek wut kinda reason is that ..... ahhhhhhhh 1 more day till pa man ... dt dt dt dt ... soo goin dt dutn care!!!!!! goin ne wayz if i fukin die on the way there or back then i got tnin to say coz shoppin goes b4 ne thing lol ... need som shoppin to release my stress man!!!!!!!

I can't even get five words into that post before I want to gouge my eyes out with frozen spoons. Maybe one word in five is spelled correctly, and honestly, you really can't misspell "I". There is no capitalization, the punctuation would make a kindergarten teacher weep, and the rampant use of exclamation marks is only going to hurt someone. This person should never, ever be allowed near a keyboard again. If she turned in essays to her 8th grade teachers that read like this, she'd be failed before you can say 'LOL'. I wanted to e-mail this girl and ask her if she would kindly drown in a pool of her own vomit, but unlike me she does not post her e-mail address in her blog. However, if she somehow manages to figure out Google and searches for excerpts of her blog, she may just come to this page. If that is the case, and you're reading this right now Miss "ilovehins" I formally ask that you pull your head out of your ass and stop plaguing the world with the detritus of your 14-year-hold mind. If I offended any 14-year-olds just now: get over it. You don't know anything. Deal with it and move on.
If you're one of these people, I invite you to join "ilovehins" in kicking the crap out of yourself. Maybe you can beat the crap out of each other and I won't even have to get involved. Or, you could change your ways. Write complete sentences. Avoid acronyms when they unnecessary, spell correctly, and put content on the page. Be dark, angry, happy, depressed, excited, swear every other word- it doesn't matter as long as it isn't poetry. But do it without sounding like a preteen valley girl and using smileys. I beg you.

Updated: 16:53, 10/10/2003

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