I stepped on his flowered threshold, and the birds singing in the tree at the entrance of his house sounded obnoxious to me, a pathetically bucolic scene.
He opened the door immediately, even before I knocked, as if he had been expecting me and looking out the window all this time. Every time Jonathan did that I felt bad, guilty that I had brought some distress to a man who had shown me endless kindness, and deserved nothing but kindness and respect in return. His charming smile melted as he looked at me, and exclaimed, "My dear Meg, what happened to you?"
My first reaction was being totally defensive, backing away, justifying, "I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have come, I knew, I'm sorry for not letting you know I couldn't make it today, I..."
Jonathan looked sincerely into my eyes and pleaded, sensibly, "Meg. I am your physician, not your hangman. For Christ sake, Mademoiselle, come in and let me help you with those wounds."
He didn't know yet, nor did I, the double meaning of his words.
Hesitantly, I paced into his house, that was now as familiar to me as he was. We had been meeting weekly, and my ankle had recovered in a miraculous way. And even though we had become some sort of friends, I never mentioned Erik to him, not only for the obvious reasons, but also because I had an intuition that he had feelings for me that would be hurt if he heard about another man.
This time, he led me to his living room, for he certainly noticed I needed him more as a friend than as a doctor. I sat at his expensive armchair, and he sat across from me, in the other chair. I regretted not having spent more time, after the Persian had left, to recompose myself, and perhaps apply more make up, or groom my wild hair again. Now I would have to go through another interrogation...
"Meg, dear, " he always addressed me like that, but in such a respectful way, that I never minded. And yet...he was a man... Oh, I was really losing my mind! "You don't need to tell me what happened if you don't feel like." He gave me the sweetest look, being sympathetic and reserved. But I hate seeing your pretty face like that, and those scratches look badly infected. Please allow me to take care of it?"
It was true, I didn't have the courage to even wash the hurt spots anymore, for everytime I looked at them, everything would come back to me.
I nodded, and felt immense relief for him allowing me to keep my secret. He walked towards me and lifted my chin, with his delicate, warm and soft hands, looking closely at my face, starting to examine. Instinctively, I recoiled, avoiding his touch.
The worry in his look increased, for he knew there was something really wrong with me.
"I...I'm sorry...it is just that...it is hurting a lot..." I lied.
"I know it is, darling," he said, obviously not believing me, but being extremely tactful, probably guessing what had happened. Or was it just paranoia? "I promise I won't hurt you, ok?" He talked to me as if I was a child, and I found great relief in that, for that was what I wished I was...a child again...but now I would never be a child, or even a respectful lady anymore...
He passed his hands on the back of my head, and asked, showing himself more and more shocked after each observation, "You hit your head hard. You must have been suffering with headaches, right?"
I almost laughed again, in hysteria. If he knew the extension of my headaches, he would forget about the bumps. This hysterical behavior I was under now was what had been going on for days, I would always be on the edge of tears or uncontrollable laughter. I was not myself anymore. But what an absurd question! Headaches! What else did he expect me to feel after almost being raped like a street whore? And by the man that I......
"Yes, I've had headaches, and feel very nervous as you can tell. And the bruises burn so bad, Jonathan!" All the sudden I lost control of myself, grabbed his wrists, and started to cry, desperately, embracing him tightly. I could swear he trembled as I did, while he petted my hair, caressed it slowly, trying to calm me down, and excused himself for a while.
A few seconds later, while I was mentally beating myself on the forehead for being such a stupid girl and putting on such a show, he explained, "You know me, Meg." He smiled uneasily, "I'm always doing some sort of research, trying to learn more and more about the mysteries of medicine. I've been studying the Sciences of the Mind a lot lately, and even developed some medicines, with the help of a pharmacologist, a friend of mine. Would you like to try it? It is totally harmless, deprived of any side effects, and will just give you the peace you need back.
Without a single word, I swallowed the medicine, wondering how he could be so sure, since I knew he used me to test everything he invented. But his ideas and projects were so ingenius that I had only received benefits so far, so I accepted his new medicine with complete trust. It was the perfect escape I'd been looking for.
"Come, come, lets leave the dining room. I'll place you in my own bed, so you can feel more comfortable. You will at first feel a little dizzy, it is normal, I tried it on myself before giving to you. But after that, you will relax, maybe sleep a little, and feel a lot better. Alright?"
How could I have been afraid of that man? Jonathan was so sweet and thoughful, such a wonderful companion! He would never do me any harm, that much I knew. But to lay on his bed...?
I did as he suggested, deciding that at some moment I would have to start to trust people again. He served me some bread and a warm soup, without even bothering to ask if I had had lunch already. He justified saying that I was so thin, compared to the last time he saw me, that if I had eaten already, I hadn't done it properly. I smiled at his concerns once again and tried the food, feeling the expensive and incredibly cozy sheets covering my body. The food was very plain, but good nevertheless.
"I'm sorry for not having anything else to offer you, dear Meg. You know, being with you makes me wish to go back to my homeland, where I could treat you as you deserve to be treated: as a queen."
He said that with so much devotion and certainty for such a young man that I had to laugh. Realizing he didn't appreciate my response, I tried to change the meaning I had given to that laugh. "A queen? Me! Monsiour, you flattered me beyound measure!" And again I laughed, this time not mocking, but a lightheaded laugh. It was amazing to watch the good this man brought me. Or maybe it was the medicine?
The fact was that I didn't quite understand his intriguing offer, brought with so much seriousness, and I let it show. Yet he shook his head and said he would prefer to save that talk for some other time. My mind began to cloud, little by little, as it all passed by, and soon I was ready to rest at last, closing my eyes periodically.
"See? It is already helping."
Jonathan looked around, as if preparing himself to offer something that he didn't know how I would take, and finally said, "Meg, I need to leave the house to buy some supplies for another client that will come here at six in the evening. Is it fine with you if I leave you here on my bed, safe and sane, while I go?"
Since I didn't answer, for all my thoughts were already blurred, he smiled reassuringly, kissed my two hands rather fervently, and stepped back. All I heard was Jonathan saying, "I won't be out for long," before I sank into a deep sleep.
Get your own Free Homepage