A Final Fantasy VII Fan Fiction

(Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love my insanity.)

By Lioncat84

Author's Note: I would like to apologize in advance for this fan fiction. First of all, it's the first I've written by myself. Second, it was started while I was reaaaaalllllyyyyy bored. Third, I was watching a lot of Monty Python, so it surfaces in the writing style. (Plus I blatantly stole some of the gags, like the knight, from Monty Python) Fourth, I had been reading a lot of very weird fan fictions, with elements in them like "Instant Plot Devices" ™(Just add water), and they affected my brain. Fifth, I'm good at Spanish.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Squaresoft, except Voice offscreen, Announcer, Knight, Customer, Strange Guest, TV Anchorwoman, Co-anchor, Cameraman, Golfers, Lawyer, Judge, Reeve's computer, Cubic Zirconia Weapon, Prod Cloud, Weirdo, and Intell. Knight belongs to Monty Python, as do the phrases "And now for something completely different" and "You're no fun anymore." "Stairway to Heaven" is the property of Led Zeppelin. "Getting Better", "Let it be", "Help!", and "Revolution" are the property of the Beatles. "The Song is Over", and "Won't get Fooled Again" are the property of The Who. "Half-Life" is the property of Sierra. Any resemblance to real people, except in Intell's case, is completely coincidental. Intell's name has been changed to protect him, because he doesn't want anybody to know his real name, and I wouldn't either if I had his name. The Aeris theme you should be hearing will play through once. HA HA HA HA! I love torturing Aeris haters. If you're an Aeris lover, then... High-five! Also, believe it or not, I'm not British, despite the way my characters talk. Interestingly enough, I hail from Missouri, smack dab in the middle of the US.
Foreword: Okay, I admit it... There once was a time I hated Final Fantasy VII, and all RPG's. But that was a long time ago, and now I like most RPG's, and Final Fantasy VII ranks right up there with the Beatles, the Who, Led Zeppelin, Star Wars, and Half-Life. I love Final Fantasy VII over other RPG's because it has a good story and real character development, not like those "Get some good stats, choose a skin, buy some equipment, and go kill things" RPG's they seem to put out now. Everquest fans... You know what I'm talking about!
Here's what the critics are saying about this fan fiction:

Setting: Cosmo Canyon

Red XIII: Hola! Me llamo Rojo Trece. Como te llamas? (Hello. I am called Red XIII. What are you called?)
You: (Say your name)
Red XII: Yo quiero el Limited Moon! (I want the Limited Moon)
Bugenhagen: I suppose you're all wondering why Nanaki is speaking Spanish. Ho Ho Hoo! Well, as a matter of fact, I am too. Ho Ho Hoo! (Confers with Red XIII for a moment) Oh, okay. Ho Ho Hoo! He says he's speaking Spanish because he can. Ho Ho Hoo!
Red XIII: Si!
Bugenhagen: Uh oh, I think he's about to say random Spanish phrases. Ho Hoo!
Red XIII: Yo soy un zapato! Mi periquito vive en un veaje! Lo siento, pero no hablo espanol. (I am a shoe. My parakeet lives in a tollbooth. I'm sorry, but I don't speak Spanish.) (Thanks to my sister's friend for making these phrases up.)
Narrator: Suddenly a man in a suit of armor hits Red XIII with a rubber chicken and walks away.
Red XIII: Sorry about all that. Anyway, I'm here to introduce this fan fiction.
Bugenhagen: That's better, Nanaki. Ho Ho Hoo!
Red XIII: Okay, grandfath- Hey wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?
Bugenhagen: (coughs) Plot hole. Ho Ho Hoo!
Red XIII: (Hunches shoulders) (droning) Now, this is a very nice fan fiction. That's what I like about it. It's very nice. You'll see. You might have doubts about it right now, but when you're done, you'll be glad you read it. I remember the first time I read it. I was a mere pup of 48 at the time.
Voice offscreen: You're still 48, you stupid lion!
Red XIII: Quiet. (Droning) Now, it was first handed to me by the man at the front of Cosmo Canyon, who told me, "Nanaki, you have to read this". So I did, and-
Voice offscreen: Oh shut up.
Red XIII: Right. And, now for something completely different, a man with a 6-foot long sword.

Scene 2

Setting: Northern Crater

Sephiroph: Hello everyone. It's everyone's favorite Jenova-influenced, white-haired, praying and helpless girl-killing, archnemesis freak. Now you're all probably wondering why I'm here, seeing as how I'm supposed to be dead.
Voice offscreen: You bet your @$$!

Sephiroph: Well, I was resurrected when the author realized that without me, there is no bad guy available. I mean, who else could be the bad guy? Don Corneo? (Laughs hysterically) I mean, Don Corneo is a lecherous fool who can be subdued simply by threatening "it". So the author brought me back to life with an "Instant Plot Device"™(Just add water), and let me have free reign over my old home. Unfortunately, he stole my Masamune. (Mutters) Paranoid @$$hole. He told me I could have it when I actually needed it, but not before. I ought to tell the National Sword Association about him, and then they'd come down on him like a ton of bricks. I just hope he wouldn't call the NRA though, or else we'd have a fight. It would be terrible. There would be many lives lost in the heat of that battle. I wonder how many? I suppose there would be at least 50. I suppose maybe mor-

Voice offscreen: Get on with it, you white-haired freak!

Sephiroph: No. I think I'll continue wondering about it. (continues wondering about it for several minutes) Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... (PHS rings, and he answers it) Fine. I'm supposed to get on with it now. And, now for something completely different, a man with a 4-foot long sword.

Scene 3

Setting: Cloud's villa in Costa del Sol

Cloud: (Cloud is wearing headphones hooked up to the biggest stereo system you've ever seen. It has speakers that take up a room by themselves. Cloud is playing air guitar and making guitar sounds.) Bum Bum Bum Bah Dah, Bum Bum, Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum, Bum Dah Bum etc.

Tifa: Cloud, honey, I don't mean to be rude, but SHUT THE HELL UP!

Cloud: (Can't hear her) (Badly) There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Tifa and Voice offscreen: AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

Cloud: When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed, with a word she can get what she came for. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Tifa: All right, this has gone far enough. I can't take it anymore!!!!

Cloud: There's a sign on the wall, but she wants to be sure, 'cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.

Tifa: All right, I'm doing something about this! Bolt 3! (A lightning bolt crashes through the ceiling and fries Cloud's stereo.)

Cloud: AUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! My stereo! Do you know how much that thing cost?!

Tifa: No idea.

Cloud: It cost slightly less than the house, you b#$%h!

Tifa: Sorry, but it was an emergency. My eardrums were about to break.

Cloud: You're lying. I'm an excellent singer. You just don't recognize greatness when you hear it.

Tifa: Oh really? (Pulls out tape recorder and plays Cloud's singing to Cloud)

Cloud: AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH! (Goes into shock, and then cardiac arrest, and dies.)

Tifa: OH NO! MY MAN IS DEAD! WHAT DO I DO? Oh yeah, I remember. Life 2! (Cloud comes back to life)

Cloud: Ah, thank the Planet that's over. And, now for something completely different, a man with an 8-foot long spear.

Scene 4

Setting: Rocket Town

Cid: Shera, you @#$%^&*()#$%^&*()#$%^&*()#$%^&*()#$%^&*()#$%^&*()!

Shera: I'm sorry, boss. It won't happen again.

Cid: The hell you are! Do you not want the Reeve No. 1 to get off the ground, or are you working for those stupid NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard, people who don't like scientific things close to them.) people? Or are you just stupid?

Shera: I want it to go, but the No. 8 air tank was-

Cid: Shut the hell up, you @#$%^&*()#$%^&*()#$%^&*()!

Shera: (Starts to cry) WWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Cid: Ah, take it like a man-oh wait, you're not a man. Oh well. Take it like a man, you @#$%^&*()#$%^&*()#$%^&*()!

Narrator: Suddenly a man in a suit of armor hits Cid with a rubber chicken and walks away.

Cid: And, now for something completely different, a man with a 2-foot long gun.

Scene 5

Setting: At an FF7CWUG (Final Fantasy 7 Characters Who Use Guns) meeting in Lucrecia's Cave

Barret: I pity th' foo' who challenges me when I use my Missing Score!

Vincent: I'm not going to talk like you, but ditto for me when I use my Death Penalty.

Barret: Come on, you can talk like me. Give in to the temptation. With each passing moment, you become my slave... (Eyes spin hypnotically.)

Vincent: I pity th' foo' who challenges me when I use my Death Penalty!

Barret: Yes, that's better.

Vincent: (A man in a black cape and a mask covering his face comes in) Hey, we have some visitors. Wow, do you think they'll join? It'd be great if we had more members than just the two of us! We'd have something to do besides use hypnotism and subliminal messages on each other!

Barret: (Barret falls asleep.) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Vincent: (Thinks) (Whispers in Barret's ear) Talking like Mr. T is bad. Talking like Mr. T is bad. Talking like Mr. T is bad.

Strange Guest: Hello. Is this the NRA meeting?

Barret: (awakens and sees a stranger) (shrieks) AAAA! Who are you? (Shoots stranger in kneecap with Missing Score)

Strange Guest: OW! I was about to join your group, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts.

Barret: Our group is for FF7 characters only, so get lost, foo'.

Strange Guest: Oh, it's for Final Fantasy VII characters only? Ok, I can still join then.

Barret: No you can't. I pity th' foo' who lies to get in to our group. (Cocks Missing Score)

Vincent: Cut it out, Barret.

Barret: Shut up, you @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()

Voice offscreen: He pulled a Cid!

Vincent: Stop! (Barret is frozen, as the magic takes its hold) Don't mind him. I can't take him anywhere. Now, what FF7 character are you?

Strange Guest: You wouldn't remember me, but I was an MP in the first Mako Reactor Avalanche bombed. I barely got out, and on the way out, I shot Cloud right as he jumped onto the getaway train.

Vincent: All right, that was out of line! Esuna! (Barret starts moving again) Barret, let's kill him! You hold him and I'll drink his blood!

Barret: Vincent, you told me you had been cured of your many vampire-like tendencies!

Vincent: Oh yeah. Okay, let's just shoot him in the head.

Barret: That's better. (They both shoot him in the head, which flies off and hits Lucrecia, who had just walked into the cave mouth, right in the face.)

Lucrecia: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! Disgusting! I thought I told you two you couldn't kill anyone in my cave.

Vincent: I'm sorry. We forgot.

Lucrecia: You forgot! YOU FORGOT! YOU FORGOT! YOU FORGOT!

Vincent: Yeah, we forgot.

Lucrecia: That's it! Whenever you two have meetings, they're at Barret's house. Understand?

Barret: Sure I understand. I also understand what happens to heads when I shoot them. (Shoots Lucrecia in the head)

Vincent: You killed her, you @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()

Voice offscreen: He pulled a Cid!

Barret: Yeah, I did kill her. You wanna make something of it, foo'? (They commence fighting)

Voice offscreen: We will leave this scene before it gets too bloody. And, now for something completely different, a bad fortune-teller.

Scene 6

Setting: Gold Saucer

Customer: Yes, I see. And what happens after I fall and get impaled on a flagpole?

Cait Sith: Well, then you get put in a big box and your friends and relatives look at you and cry. Then they put you in a black car and they put you six feet underground.

Customer: Oooooohhhhh, that sounds nice. What happens after that?

Cait Sith: Um, then you get slowly broken down by maggots and various bacteria, and become humus, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nourishes a plant, which nourishes a cow, which nourishes a human, who then dies of a heart attack, and gets put in the ground and becomes humus again, which nour-

Voice offscreen: That's enough. It was creative at first, but now it's gotten silly. Get on with it!

Cait Sith: Oh, you're no fun anymore!

Narrator: Suddenly a man in a suit of armor hits Cait Sith with a rubber chicken and walks away.

Cait Sith: And, now for something completely different, a brainless ninja.

Setting: Wutai

Yuffie: (Looking at a list of materia) Oh, I want a Knights of the Round so much! Why didn't Cloud give me his materia after he beat Sephiroph? It's not like he needs it now!

Godo: Shut up, you materia-thieving @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@$#$%^&*(), before I disown you!

Voice offscreen: He pulled a Cid!

Yuffie: Why don't you make me, you @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()!

Voice offscreen: She pulled a Cid!

Godo: Maybe I will! (Transforms to Godo monster)

Yuffie: Okay, this should be fun! (Play-by play announcer suddenly appears)

Announcer: (Shouting) As Yuffie casts MBarrier on herself, Godo puts up a Wall and readies his Trine magic! Now Godo is casting Trine! I can't see through all the lightning, but I think Yuffie is going to survive! Yes, she survived, and now she's casting Regen! Now she has cast Flare, but it is greatly diminished by Godo's Wall! Now Godo casts Drain! Now he can leech Yuffie's HP! Now Yuffie throws her Conformer, but it bounces off Godo's Wall! I'm not sure what Godo is using now, but it looks like he has cast Bio 2! Yes, that's what he did! And now, Yuffie uses Slow, but it misses! Now Godo uses Demi 3, and Yuffie's HP is at 1/4! Now Yuffie throws her Conformer, and it hits! There's a bit of blood, but Godo summons his strength, and casts Sleepel! Now Yuffie is sleeping, and therefore slightly less annoying than usual! Now Godo uses Beast Sword, and slices Yuffie's head off! There's blood all over the place, and he transforms back to his normal self, and he gets Gorki, Shake, Chekhov and Staniv, and they play hacky-sack with Yuffie's head! This has been a bad day for Yuffie, but it looks like they're getting tired of this sophomoric game, plus the fact that Yuffie's head is getting blood all over their clothes, and her body is spurting blood all over poor Gorki, so it looks like-Yes! Godo is positioning her head on her body, and now he's cast Life 2!

Godo: Oh, shut up!

Announcer: Fine.

Godo: Now get out, the fight is over.

Announcer: Right. (Walks offscreen)

Yuffie: (Regaining consciousness) And, now for something completely different, a girl previously thought to be dead.

Setting: City of the Ancients

Aeris: (swimming out of the pool that she was laid to rest in) Oof. Ah, it feels good to be alive. It's a good thing I'm alive now, because I have some unfinished business to attend to.

Voice offscreen: Is that all you're going to say, after being dead for almost a year, and then resurrected with an "Instant Plot Device"™(Just add water)?

Aeris: Yes. And who might you be, and what do you do?

Voice offscreen: I'm the voice offscreen. I tell the characters what to do when they're getting out of line, but not bad enough to use the knight. I'm also the author's pitiful attempt at humor.

Aeris: Oh, I see. Where's Cloud?

Voice offscreen: Are you sure you want to know?

Aeris: Yes, of course I want to know, or else I wouldn't have asked.

Voice offscreen: Positive?

Aeris: Yes.

Voice offscreen: You're not going to like it...

Aeris: Let me be the judge of that.

Voice offscreen: Okay, just remember you're the one who insisted I tell you.

Aeris: Okay, I'll remember that.

Voice offscreen: See that you do.

Aeris: I will.

Voice offscreen: You better.

Aeris: Get on with it!

Voice offscreen: Cloud is in his villa at Costa del Sol.

Aeris: Okay. Good grief, what's so bad about that? You delayed for such a long time for that!?

Voice offscreen: With Tifa.

Aeris: Oh, I see. (Breathing quickens) So Cloud is in his villa. With Tifa. (Breathing gets even faster) I guess I can't blame him. I was dead. (Breathing gets even faster) But, he will dump her when he sees me. (Breathing quickens some more) I'm sure of it. But, how do you know he's with Tifa? He could be by himself, you know.

Voice offscreen: I know because Tifa and I both had to suffer through Cloud's rendition of "Stairway to Heaven", until Tifa fried his stereo, that's how.

Aeris: (Hyperventilates) Oh, I see. (Starts to foam at the mouth and falls over backward)

Voice offscreen: I told you that you wouldn't like it, but nooooooooo...

Aeris: Now, don't you blame me. (Dies)

Voice offscreen: Oh dear. Aeris is dead again. And this time we can't blame Sephiroph. Actually, I suppose this time it was nobody's fault but mine. I do hope I won't be attacked by Aeris fans like my friend M***. (a.k.a. Intell)

Intell: Well, you will.

Voice offscreen: I'm sorry, M***. It really wasn't my fault. She wanted to know where Cloud was. It's not my fault she couldn't take the news.

Intell: You should've run away instead of telling her, Loren.

Voice offscreen: I didn't want her to be unhappy. I'm sorry.

Intell: Not good enough. (Punching noises are heard for about 2 minutes, then stop.)

Voice offscreen: I surrender! Now can I go save Aeris?

Intell: Do you have a Phoenix Down or Revive Materia on you?

Voice offscreen: No, but I do have an "Instant Plot Device." ™(Just add water)

Intell: All right. (Walks away) (Voice offscreen walks onscreen, carrying a small white object and a bottle of water. He is a tall, pale, freckly person who has had his glasses broken and also has been beaten to a bloody pulp.

Voice offscreen: Hey, now that I'm onscreen, why not call me Lioncat84?

Author: But then people will know I'm one of those losers who writes himself into his own fan fictions!

Voice offscreen: They already know, now that you've told them.

Author: Oh yeah. Well, okay.

Lioncat84: Okay, now that that's over, how does this work?

Intell: (From offscreen) Just add water, you idiot!

Lioncat84: Oh, okay. (Dumps water bottle onto white object)

Aeris: Ah, that's better. Well, voice offscree-or onscreen, let's go.

Lioncat84: Oh, call me Lioncat84 now.

Aeris: Okay, Lioncat84. Now, how are we going to get there? The Tiny Bronco disappeared after Meteor was summoned, and the Highwind is with Cid.

Lioncat84: Oh, no problem. (Pulls a laptop out of his backpack, and presses a few keys.)

Aeris: How is that going to help?

Lioncat84: You'll see in a second. (Highwind is seen in the distance, then flies over to them, and lands.)

Aeris: Okay, I give. How did you do that?

Lioncat84: Sorry, trade secret. But I can tell you this... If you don't like something, just tell me, Aeris baby, and things just might change drastically.

Aeris: Don't call me Aeris baby!

Lioncat84: Did I call you Aeris baby?

Aeris: Yes you did. Now get on with it.

Lioncat84: Did I call her Aeris baby?

Crowd: (offscreen) No! Yes! No! No! Yes!

Lioncat84: I didn't really call you Aeris baby. And I'd think you'd like it when people call you Aeris baby.

Aeris: I don't like it when people hit on me! Just because I'm a beautiful 22-year old from the slums who wears a dress with the slit all the way up my legs doesn't mean I'm a slut! I'm taken!

Lioncat84: No you're not! Cloud is the one who's taken!

Aeris: No he's not! I hate you!

Lioncat84: (slyly) Oh, I think I'm your friend...

Aeris: No you're not!

Lioncat84: (Still slyly) Oh, yes I am. (Types on laptop keyboard)

Aeris: Hey, Lion! What are you waiting for?

Lioncat84: (Types a little more) (mumbling) Hmmm... This ought to do it...

Aeris: Oh, you're such a fine specimen of a man!

Narrator: Suddenly, a man in a suit of armor hits Lioncat84 with a rubber chicken and walks away.

Lioncat84: Hey, you can't do that! Not to me! (types on keyboard)

Aeris: Oh Lion, what are you doing?

Lioncat84: Sorry, still a trade secret. Take this, you armor-bedecked buffoon! (Rocket launcher appears in his hands, and he fires a rocket, and kills the knight) Ha! (Goes over to what's left of the knight, and spits on it) Ptoo! That's what I think of you!

Aeris: By the way, what was his name? Or did he even have one?

Lioncat84: Well, he didn't formally have a name, but I thought up one for him.

Aeris: Okay, let's hear it.

Lioncat84: The Silent Knight. (Rimshot)

Aeris: Oh, that was bad. (Suddenly, 4 people appear. Two are wearing golfing clothes, one is wearing an Armani suit, and one is wearing judge robes)

Golfer 1: I agree with her!

Golfer 2: That was the dumbest joke yet! And you've put in a lot of bad jokes!

Man in Armani suit: Your Honor, I request that that last joke be stricken from the record.

Judge: Overruled. This court will allow it, dumb as it was.

Lioncat84: Hey, what are you people doing here? Get out!

Judge: You're the boss. (They leave)

Aeris: Say, before we go, have you ever wondered what the meaning of life is?

Lioncat84: Yes, I did once, so I looked up "Life" in the dictionary, and there it was: The Meaning of Life!

Aeris: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy, I'm sorry I asked. Can we go now?

Lioncat84: I thought you'd never ask. (They get on the Highwind, and fly to Costa del Sol.)

Setting: Costa del Sol, outside Cloud's villa.

Aeris: Oh no, I can see them now. You were right. Let's see, if I stand here I can see them and hear them at the same time...

Lioncat84: Why don't you just knock and see if they'll let you in?

Aeris: Because you have a particular gag that would only work in this context.

Lioncat84: Shhhhh. You're not supposed to know.

Aeris: Oh yeah. Well, I think I hear them...

Cloud: (Muffled) It's okay. I can get a new one. It's a good thing I was wearing my Tetra Elemental, or else that would have hurt.

Tifa: Oh, I'm on Cloud Nine!

Aeris: Oh no! (Barges through door) Hey! You! Get offa my Cloud!

Tifa and Cloud: What? Aeris! But you're dead!

Aeris: No, I was dead. Now I'm back. Now, what were you saying about my man?

Tifa: Excuse me! Your man? I think Cloud picked me.

Aeris: That's just because I wad dead, and I was starting to smell! Now that I'm back, I think he'll dump you! Right, Cloud?

Cloud: Leave me out of this!

Lioncat84: All right you two, stop it for now.

Aeris and Tifa: No! (They start to fight)

Cloud: All this over me? I don't know which to do, be flattered or change my name and get a face transplant from a dead musk ox.

Lioncat84: Oh, go with the latter. That would be a sight to see.

Cloud: No.

Lioncat84: Oh, you're no fun anymore! (Cait Sith walks in)

Cait Sith: Right! I heard that! Anyone else pinches my phrase; I'll throw them under a camel! (Cait Sith walks out)

Cloud: (Watching Tifa and Aeris slugging it out) Hey, shouldn't we stop them?

Lioncat84: Yeah, we should. (They separate the two, who struggle to break free) Well, my work here is done. I shall go back to being the Voice Offscreen, and I will be ending this fic very soon.

Cloud: Okay, but it feels like something's missing...

Aeris: Yeah, I think so too...

Tifa: I'll have to agree with Cloud on this one...

Aeris: Oh, so you agree with Cloud, but not me? I see right through you! At least what little you bother to keep covered up!

Tifa: Take this, you @#$%^&*() (She punches Aeris)

Lioncat84: (Offscreen) She pulled a Cid! (Cid walks in)

Cid: Hey, now that we're on the subject of me, I agree with all the rest of them! (Barret walks in)

Barret: I pity th' foo' who don't agree with all of them! (Yuffie walks in)

Yuffie: Yeah!

Cid: Hey, who said you could talk? (Impales Yuffie on his Venus Gospel)

Everyone in the room: Yay! (Red XIII walks in)
Red XIII: I agree with all of them! Something is missing! (A bat flutters into the room and transforms into Vincent.)

Vincent: (in Transylvanian accent) Yes, there is something missing! (Cait Sith walks in)

Cait Sith: I'm absolutely sure that something is missing! (Sephiroph appears in the room with a swoosh)

Sephiroph: Give me back my Masamune, you @#$%^&*()!

Lioncat84: (Offscreen) He pulled a Cid! And, no, I won't give you your Masamune!

Sephiroph: Darn. And, oh yeah, something is missing.

Lioncat84: Okay, now that you've all established that something is missing, what is it?

Cloud: I don't know.

Tifa: Me neither.

Vincent: Me neither.

Cait Sith: Me neither.

Barret: Me neither.

Cid: (pulling Yuffie's dead body off of his Venus Gospel) Me neither.

Red XIII: Me neither.

Sephiroph: Me neither.

Aeris: I know! A plot!

Lioncat84: Oh, of course! A plot! How silly of me! All right everyone, back in character, forget that I'm the author, and stop whining about your Masamune. Now I have to think of a plot, instead of a bunch of mindless jokes. Sorry, but sometimes us authors who fancy ourselves as comedians forget to add plots. Now let's see... Ah, that's a good plot. All right, places everyone! (Everyone bustles out of Cloud's villa) And, now for something completely different, a story with a plot.

Setting: Turk's Hideout

Reno: (drinking out of a big bottle of grain alcohol) I... am... so... dis... a... point... ed... with... our... per... for... mance... in... our... last... batt... le... with... Ava... lanche.

Elena: Hey, it's not our fault Cloud's group is three times more powerful than ours is. Oh yeah, and if you would train instead of drink, maybe we could beat them.

Rude: (drinking out of a big bottle of grain alcohol) Now... don't... you... blame... us... alc... o... hol... ics... for... our... loss... in... that... bat... tle.

Elena: But it is your fault. And I'm tired of hanging around with you two losers. I'm leaving.

Reno: No... you... can't... go. I... won't... let... you.

Elena: No, I've had it. I'm leaving. I think I'll go hang out with Cloud, if he'll let me. (Elena leaves)

Rude: Hey... Ren... o. How... long... do... you... think... she... will... be... gone?

Reno: I... don't... know.

Setting: Reeve's office in New Midgar

Reeve: (giving a tour to Cloud and Tifa, who came to visit) And here we see my desk. I sit behind it. It's wood. It's flat. Under the desk we see my computer. It has a 60 Gig hard drive and 512 megs of RAM. It uses Windows 98, Second Edition, and it uses an AMD Athlon processor at 1.6 Gigahertz. It also has a CD-ROM drive, CD burner, and 3.5 floppy drive. I use it to play Half-Life. Above the desk, we see my monitor. It allows me to see what my computer is doing. On top of the monitor, I have a stuffed Dogbert and a stuffed Cait Sith, although why I, of all people, need a stuffed Cait Sith is beyond me. Any questions?

Tifa: Yes, I have a question. Isn't all this irrelevant?

Reeve: No. The author needed a creative way of telling people what was in my office. Any more questions?

Cloud: I have a question. If you and Cait Sith fought, who would win?

Reeve: Me, because I control Cait Sith. Any more questions?

Cloud: Yes, I have one.

Reeve: It has to be about my office.

Cloud: Oh. Never mind.

Reeve's computer: You've got mail!

Reeve: (A wild guitar riff is heard in the background, and Reeve starts to sing) I've got mail!

Tifa: You have mail?

Reeve: Yes, I've mail!

Cloud: Did you just say that you're a snail?

Reeve: No, I just said that I've got mail! (Yuffie comes through the window.)

Everyone except Yuffie: She is stupid without fail!

Yuffie: Godo made me eat some kale!

Cloud: Shut your hole, or your head I'll nail!

Yuffie: No! I'll put your blood, in this pail!

Tifa: Talk like that, and your head will sail!

Reeve: Hey! It's starting to hail!

Cloud: You will find yourself in jail!

Tifa: I think that I will go shoot quail!

Yuffie: No you won't, you big fat whale!

Reeve: I can tell you won't go to Yale!

Cloud: I can't think of any more rhymes!

Tifa: Oh, these are good times!

Yuffie: It is time for the March of Dimes.

Reeve: (A buzzer sounds on Reeve's desk) I think I hear chimes! (Wild guitar riff fades out)

Yuffie: (Speaking) What does that mean, Reeve?

Cloud: It means you insulted Tifa and have two seconds to live! (Slices Yuffie in half with his Ultima Weapon)

Reeve and Tifa: Yay!

Cloud: Thank you... Thank you...

Reeve: Anyway, that buzzer means someone is here to see me... Either that or there's an incoming Mako shell or Weapon. They really should have gotten different buzzer noises for those two, don't you think?

Tifa: So what do we do, Reeve?

Reeve: I usually get into a bomb shelter, just in case.

Cloud and Tifa: Okay. (They get into a bomb shelter and wait for about five minutes, until the speakerphone rings.)

Reeve: (Pushes button and turns on speaker) Hello. What do you need?

Secretary: There's been a lady here to see you for about five minutes. Kya haa haa!

Reeve: Okay, send her in.

Secretary: Okay. Kya haa haa! (Hangs up phone)

Cloud: I recognize that laugh! That's Scarlet!

Reeve: Yes, it is.

Tifa: I thought Scarlet was dead.

Reeve: Well, it turned out that Scarlet and Heidegger survived the destruction of the Proud Clod, but they were very badly burned. Now Scarlet is my secretary, and Heidegger is the janitor for this floor.

Cloud: Okay. (Elena walks in)

Tifa: Elena! What brings you here you @#$%^&*()#$%^&*()ing Turk!?

Lioncat84: (offscreen) She pulled a Cid!

Elena: It's amazing the words bartenders learn and use. Anyway, I'm not a Turk anymore. So there.

Reeve: Okay, so you quit the Turks. Now, let me guess, you want a job at Reeve-Co Incorporated, right?

Elena: Wrong. I want to join AVALANCHE. Now, Cloud, will you let me join?

Cloud: Hmm... You'd be less annoying than Yuffie, but how do I know you're not a spy?

Elena: There's no possible way of proving that I'm not. But it didn't bother you when Cait Sith was a spy.

Cloud: Oh yeah. Well, okay, you're in. (Yuffie comes in through the window)

Tifa: Yuffie? Didn't Cloud just slice you in half?

Yuffie: Yes he did. But I've been brought to life with an Instant Pl-

Reeve: Can it. We know the drill.

Cloud: Elena, your first assignment is to kill Yuffie.

Elena: With pleasure. (Elena grabs Yuffie, ties her up, and puts her on the railroad tracks.)

Yuffie: Help! Help! Help!

Elena: Forget it, materia thief! (A train comes through, and Yuffie is smashed flatter than a pancake, and hotter than 1000 degrees.)

Elena, Reeve, Cloud, and Tifa: Yay! (They all go back into the Reeve-Co Headquarters.)

Cloud: Elena, if you're going to be on our team, you'd better get a weapon.

Reeve: The armory's down the hall, second door on the left.

Cloud: Right. (They go to the armory.)

Elena: I can use this spear!

Cloud: No you can't. We already have someone with a spear in AVALANCHE.

Elena: How about this shotgun?

Cloud: No, Vincent would use something like that.

Elena: How about this Vulcan M61Al 20mm cannon?

Cloud: No, Barret would use something like that.

Elena: How about this big-@$$ sword?

Cloud: No. Only Sephiroph and I can use big-@$$ swords.

Elena: How about this staff?

Cloud: No, someone was, I mean is, on our team who used a staff.

Elena: I can bop people with this megaphone, can't I?

Cloud: No, you can't. Cait Sith does that.

Elena: How about this rocket launcher?

Cloud: That's better. Let's go. (They leave the armory)

Tifa: What weapon did you get?

Elena: I got a rocket launcher. It shoots shaped-charged ATGW-T rounds at a speed of 500 mph!

Tifa: Fine. But just out of curiosity, what does ATGW-T mean?

Elena: It means Anti-Tank Guided Weapon, Tracer. It can also shoot ASFSDSATAPAWAESGW-T shells.

Cloud: You made that one up, didn't you?

Elena: I sure did. It means Anti Sephiroph, Fin-Stabilized, Discarding Sabot, Anti-Tank, Anti-Personnel, Anti-Weapon, Anti-Everything, Smoke, Guided Weapon, Tracer.

Cloud: That's enough of that, Elena. Do you have any AY shells?

Elena: What's AY stand for?

Tifa: I bet I know! It means Anti-Yuffie, right?

Cloud: Correct.

Elena: No, why?

Cloud: An anti-tank round isn't powerful enough to go through her thick skull.

Elena: Well, I do have some diamond-tipped ones. Is that hard enough to get through her head?

Cloud: Yes, that's perfect. Let's go to AVALANCHE HQ now.

Reeve: Can I come?

Cloud: Okay. (They all leave)

Setting: Ocean, next to Bone Village

Narrator: A huge creature emerges from the sea and starts walking...

Setting: Tifa's Seventh Heaven in New Midgar

Narrator: The bar is looking very busy. Marlene is struggling to make the proper change, as people buy their alcohol. Reno and Rude are there, drinking away. Cid, Red XIII, Aeris, Barret, Vincent, and Cait Sith are all helping Marlene.

Cloud: (whispering) Okay, it's time to call a meeting of AVALANCHE, you guys.

Tifa: Closing time, everyone! Get out now!

Reno: But... it's... only... ten... in... the... morn... ing.

Tifa: That hardly matters to me! Anyway, I'd say you and Rude have had enough! Go on, get out, all of you! (Everyone not in AVALANCHE leaves)

Cid: (Noticing Elena hasn't left) Get out, you @#$%^&*()#$%^&*()ing Turk!

Cloud: Shut up Cid. She's with us now.

Cid: Fine. But if she's with us she has to be initiated. (smiles evilly)

Elena: But I already had my first assignment! I killed Yuffie!

Barret: It's not hard to kill that @#$%^&*()#$%^&*()ing materia whore!

Lioncat84: (offscreen) He pulled a Cid.

Elena: You're right, it wasn't. But why do I have to be initiated?

Red XIII: Everyone has to be initiated. Don't take it personally.

Elena: Okay, what do I have to do?

Cait Sith: I know! Go to Gold Saucer and be in the wrong place at the wrong time and get thrown in Corel Prison!

Barret: No, I think she should have to spend a night locked up with Vincent without any garlic or crosses!

Vincent: Shut up. I'm getting better all the time.

Cloud: (Singing)(badly) I've got to admit it's getting better! A little better all the time! I've got to admit it's getting better! It's getting better since you've been mine! (Everyone besides Cloud screams in horror)

Aeris: Cloud, STOP!

Cloud: What? What do you want?

Everyone except Cloud: STOP SINGING! YOU SUCK!

Tifa: Cloud, don't sing whenever other people are around, okay?

Cloud: Fine.

Vincent: I think she should watch Dukes of Hazzard for a whole week.

Cid: What's wrong with Dukes of Hazzard? I think she should be my slave for a week. She'll have to make my tea, buy and light my cigarettes, and not complain when I watch Dukes of Hazzard!

Aeris: I think we should go easy on her. After all, she's joining of her own free will!

Cloud: No. I think we should make her paint anti-Western phrases all over Wutai!

Tifa: No, how about if we make her look for the plot in this story that supposedly has a plot now?

Lioncat84: (offscreen) Hey!

Red XIII: Is for horses. I think we should make her be the chicken on the weathervane at the top of Grandfather's observatory in Cosmo Canyon.

Lioncat84: (offscreen) And cows.

Red XIII: What?

Lioncat84: (offscreen) Hay is for horses and cows, not just horses.

Red XIII: You interrupted us for that!

Lioncat84: (offscreen) Yes. Now let Elena choose which one she wants to be initiated with

Elena: I think I'll do the plot one. I have a feeling there will be one soon. (They get on the pinball machine/elevator, and go downstairs.)

Cid: I wonder if there's any Dukes of Hazzard on TV right now. (Cid turns on the TV.)

TV Anchorwoman: We have reports of a large beast coming out of the sea and heading straight for New Midgar! We urge people to don't panic, just put your head between your knees, and kiss your @$$ goodbye. For more on this menace to society, we turn to Scarlet and Heidegger, former executives at Shinra who now have menial jobs at Reeve-Co Incorporated. (Reeve turns off the TV)

Reeve: Another Weapon? But I thought our environmentally sound policies on the use of Mako would please the Planet, not make it want to destroy us again. What gives?

Cloud: I don't know, but we have to stop this Weapon just like we stopped Diamond, Ultimate, Emerald, and Ruby Weapons.

Elena: Maybe it's just headed for Sephiroph. (Everyone stares at her.)

Tifa: I hate to break it to you, but Sephiroph is dead.

Barret: Yeah, foo'.

Vincent: If he is alive, Lucrecia would have been dreaming about him.

Aeris: I haven't had any swords stuck through me, and that means Sephiroph is dead.

Elena: We saw him in New Midgar the other day, and we ran away.

Cloud: He can't be alive, he just can't! Can he?

Cloud's mind: He can.

Cloud: Oh no! He's alive! He just started talking to me through my brain!

Elena: I found the plot!

Tifa: He can't talk to you through your brain! You found yourself in the Lifestream!

Cloud's mind: Darn! She's right! I can't talk to you anymore! I'll kill her! (Voice starts trailing off)

Cloud: That was weird. Anyway, my mind is safe now.

Aeris: Glad to hear it. Maybe now you won't try to kill me right before Sephiroph does. (Yuffie comes down the elevator)

Everyone except Yuffie: Ack! Yuffie! (Barret shoots her in the chest)

Yuffie: All I did was come down the elevator. (Dies)

Everyone except Barret: Yay!

Cait Sith: We have to find Sephiroph! He might try something evil again! (They leave)

Setting: Sephiroph's Hideout in New Midgar

Narrator: Sephiroph's new hideout is very large. He has a big La-Z Boy recliner, a La-Z Boy couch, a TV, and a computer, which he is at now.

Sephiroph: Darn! I died again! Why do I have to fight the military? They should be fighting the aliens, not me! I bet the government doesn't want the world to know what's been going on in the Black Mesa Research Facility, so they're trying to cover it up. But man, these soldiers are weird. When I got this game, I thought it would be like Quake, and all the monsters would be cannon fodder, but noooooo, these guys are hard to kill, and smart. I mean, they'll take cover, work as a team, and throw grenades to flush you out of hiding. Setting traps like I used to do just gets me killed in this game. And the funny thing is, it's fun! (Saves and exits) (Goes over to recliner and sits down, and turns on TV)

TV Anchorwoman: We have unconfirmed reports of a Yuffie, but first, we have confirmed reports of a large beast coming out of the sea and heading straight for New Midgar! We urge people not to panic, just put your head between your knees, and kiss your @$$ goodbye. For more on this menace to society, we turn to Scarlet and Heidegger, former executives at Shinra who now have menial jobs at Reeve-Co Incorporated.

Sephiroph: A Weapon!? But I haven't even done anything bad!

TV Scarlet: We have a defense against this vicious beast, a large robot I call- (Sephiroph turns off the TV)

Sephiroph: Another robot? Not only is she a stupid slut, she's also uncreative. She tried that last time. It couldn't stand up to one Knights of the Round or Omnislash, and she tries it again! What a moron! Now this Yuffie monster they're talking about... I'd better turn the TV back on and take a look. (Turns TV back on)

TV Anchorwoman: Now, as for the Yuffie, it has been confirmed that Yuffie Kisaragi is roaming the streets of New Midgar, annoying the life out of unsuspecting passersby. While a SWAT team has been deployed, the police say they might have to call AVALANCHE to get rid of her.

TV Co-anchor: Hey, isn't Yuffie a member of AVALANCHE?

TV Anchorwoman: She was, but they kicked her off when she stole their materia the 63^rd time. Now they kill her on sight.

TV Co-anchor: Oh, I see. It would get a bit annoying, wouldn't it?

TV Anchorwoman: Yes, it would.

Cameraman: (Offscreen) Did you know that this thing is on?

TV Anchorwoman: Oh, right. (Sephiroph turns TV back off)

Sephiroph: So that's the way it is... I try to go clean, and another Weapon and a Yuffie start terrorizing the world. I think I'd better go back to being evil. When I was evil, the Weapons went after AVALANCHE, not me.

Setting: A big underground control center

Narrator: This large room has a huge map of the world, 3 Cray XMP supercomputers, and 24 Hood automated gene sequencers. It also has a row of computer workstations, at which are a dozen workers, hard at work.

Worker: Eureka! I've isolated the gene in Jenova that makes her drive people crazy! We can duplicate it now!

Executive: Excellent. You will be rewarded for this. You shall get a raise and a substantial bonus...

Executive 2: (Bursts out laughing) Ha Ha Ha Ha! Is this how you boost their morale? Lying to them?

Executive: Shut up! They're not supposed to know!

Executive 2: No, you shut up!

Executive: You!

Worker: If I may distract you... (He is holding a large ax)

Executives: AAAAAAAAAAAA! (Worker chops off their heads)

Other Workers: Yay!

Worker: Thank you... Thank you...

Setting: Reeve-Co HQ, in the basement bomb shelter.

Narrator: Reeve, Scarlet, Heidegger, all the Reeve-Co employees, Bugenhagen, and Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Aeris, Red XIII, Cait Sith, Cid, Vincent, and Elena are all piled in the huge bomb shelter, which was built for just this kind of problem. Scarlet and Heidegger are off in a dark corner, away from everyone else.

Bugenhagen: I don't see any reason why Weapon should be unleashed. Ho Ho Hoo! Reeve-Co has good environmental policies. Ho Ho Hoo! They have significantly replenished the Planet's Mako. Ho Ho Hoo! (Reeve hands him a bundle of 10000 gil bills.)

Elena: Yeah, and materia use is limited to law-enforcement, military, and AVALANCHE.

Heidegger: Why should AVALANCHE be able to use materia? They aren't cops or soldiers. Gya haa haa!

Scarlet: No, but they saved the world and have special privileges because of that. Kya haa haa!

Reeve: Would you two stop with those stupid horse laughs?

Scarlet and Heidegger: Now can we tell you about our robot?

Cloud: We're listening.

Scarlet: Our Anti-Weapon artillery has quite a few improvements this time.

Tifa: Good. Aeris could have destroyed that Proud Clod.

Aeris: Hey! Maybe my attacks aren't as powerful as yours, but my magic skills are the best!

Tifa: That hardly matters near the end, where one hit easily does 9999 points.

Cid: @#$%! That reminds me! We need to get you a new weapon!

Barret: Yeah! Your Princess Guard is obsolete now.

Vincent: It was okay before you died, but a 52 just doesn't cut it anymore. You need at least a 90-power weapon.

Cloud: She can have my Ragnarok!

Tifa: Good idea. One problem though.

Red XIII: What problem? (Aeris rubs his nose in that weird way he likes)

Tifa: Only Cloud can lift those swords. I mean, you might not notice it now, but didn't you always expect Cloud to fall over backward picking up his sword when you first met him?

Barret: @#$%. She's right.

Cloud: Okay Aeris, let's go to the armory.

Tifa: I'm coming with you!

Cloud and Aeris: Darn! (Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris leave)

Red XIII: Grandfather, lately I've been smelling Hojo in the ruins of Old Midgar. Did Hojo have any living relatives?

Bugenhagen: What were you doing in Old Midgar, first? Ho Ho Hoo! It's dangerous there, Nanaki. Ho Ho Hoo! It's a mugger's paradise. Ho Ho Hoo!

Barret: Hey old guy! This lion thing has been to the center of the earth and fought Safer Sephiroph. I don't think any old mugger will be a threat, foo'.

Bugenhagen: All right. Ho Ho Hoo! Yes, Hojo did have a living relative after his death, but his brother, Mojo, died when Meteor hit Midgar. Ho Ho Hoo! You must be smelling where he died. Ho Ho Hoo!

Scarlet: It was so sad when Mojo died. He had finally gotten a job. Kya haa haa!

Reeve: Yeah. We finally got our Mojo workin', but he immediately died. (Rimshot)

Heidegger: That was funny. Gya haa haa! (Reeve swiftly knocks Heidegger out)

Reeve: Anyone else want to do that annoying horse laugh? Huh? Anyone?

Everyone else: No!

Reeve: Good. (Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris walk in)

Vincent: What'd you get, Aeris?

Aeris: I got a Faculty staff. (Rimshot) It has a strength of 92.

Cid: Much better. (A proximity buzzer sounds)

Elena: The Weapon is closer now. Let's look at the radar. (Looks at radar) This is... Cubic Zirconia Weapon. It looks like Diamond Weapon, but it is not Diamond Weapon, I can tell that much from the radar signature.

Aeris: So what are we going to do?

Vincent: I think we should just let it destroy Sephiroph. That way Sephiroph will be defeated, and then it will leave. It's perfectly logical.

Cid: Sorry, we need a big battle in this fan fiction. That battle between Godo and Yuffie was a joke. Literally, it was.

Lioncat84: (offscreen) Stop talking about how you know it's fiction! You aren't supposed to know!

Red XIII: If we let Cubic Zirconia Weapon into New Midgar to fight, it might injure innocent bystanders.

Vincent: I still think we should just let it be.

Cloud: (singing) (badly) Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. (Everyone screams in horror)

Vincent: Um, Cloud, why are you singing?

Cloud: I thought you wanted me to.

Vincent: Trust me, no one ever wants you to sing. You suck!

Cloud: I do not! Tifa, do I suck?

Tifa: Yes. Remember the talk we had?

Cloud: Yeah, what about it?

Tifa: You agreed not to sing anymore, at least not while there were other people around.

Cloud: I still say I'm not as bad as you guys think. Aeris, do I suck?

Aeris: I wouldn't know. Tifa never gives us a chance.

Cloud: No, I mean do I suck at singing?

Aeris: Big time.

Cloud: Barret, do I suck?

Barret: Of course, foo'.

Cloud: Cid, do I suck?

Cid: Let's just say you can park in handicapped spots because you're tone-deaf.

Cloud: Red XIII, do I suck?

Red XIII: People scream in agony when you sing, and you still don't realize you suck?!

Cloud: I don't suck! Elena, do I suck?

Elena: Hell yes.

Cloud: Darn! Cait Sith, do I suck?

Cait Sith: I didn't think it was physically possible, but you both suck and blow at the same time.

Cloud: @#$%! Let's see... What were we talking about before you guys started making fun of me?

Red XIII: The Weapon!

Cloud: Oh yeah! Scarlet, unleash the robot!

Scarlet: Gladly. (They leave)

Setting: Outside New Midgar

Narrator: Cubic Zirconia Weapon is looming in the distance. Scarlet's robot is very large, and it towers over Scarlet and Heidegger, who are standing next to it. AVALANCHE waits behind the robot.

Scarlet: I'll show it the destructive power of the Prod Cloud.

Heidegger: It'll never know what hit it!

Red XIII: Prod Cloud. Hmmm... That's an interesting name.

Cait Sith: It sure is.

Vincent: Weapon is close. We'd better get ready, just in case Prod Cloud needs our help.

Scarlet: All right, Prod Cloud. It's close. Do what I told you to do. (Prod Cloud hides behind AVALANCHE and prods Cloud to fight the Weapon.)

Cloud: This is what you taught it to do!?
Scarlet: Yes. Good job, Prod Cloud. (Announcer suddenly appears)

Announcer: (Shouting) And as the battle begins, everyone in AVALANCHE casts Shield! Now Weapon is using his Zirconia Ray! And it bounces harmlessly off everyone's Shields! Now Cloud casts a Wall-All spell, Aeris casts a Regen-All spell, and Cid casts a Haste-all spell! Now Barret, Vincent, and Elena fire their weapons! And all three hit! Weapon has a small hole from Vincent's bullet, a medium hole from Barret's explosive shell, and a huge gaping hole from Elena's rocket! Oddly enough, they all dealt the same amount of damage, despite the differences in hole size! Now Weapon is hurting, and casts Zirconia Flash, but it fails! Now Cloud Omnislashes it, and it... is dead! This was a pathetic monster! And now I guess I'd better leave. (He leaves.)

Aeris: Were all the Weapons this pathetic?

Cloud: No. Emerald and Ruby Weapons were HARD! Personally, I thought Ruby Weapon was harder than Emerald Weapon because of that quicksand attack.

Barret: He speaks the truth, friend.

Cid: Why the @#$% are you talking like that?

Red XIII: You're supposed to talk like Mr. T! You sound stupid talking like that!

Barret: @#$%! I got a letter from Mr. T that said he pitied the foo' who talked like him without sending him a royalty check. He said I could stop talking like him or pay him; or else he'd break all the bones in my face.

Vincent: Just pay him, Barret. You don't sound right talking like the rest of us.

Barret: Fine. Anyone got a pen?

Elena: I do. Here you go. (Elena hands Barret a pen)

Barret: Thanks. (Writes check, and cartoon-style, a mail truck drives on-screen, and takes Barret's check.) As soon as my check clears, I can go back to pitying fools.

Tifa: Oh, just talk like him now! If he complains, tell him the check is in the mail!

Barret: Fine.

Cloud: Okay, time to go home, everyone. (They all leave)

Setting: Streets of New Midgar

Vincent: Hmmm... What's wrong? Where is everyone? The place was packed when we left. Now no one is here.

Cid: Maybe Yuffie came through and they all had to go underground.

Cloud: I don't know, but I don't like it. (Suddenly, someone appears)

Street person: Jenova... here. Jenova... master...

Aeris: It's one of those weirdoes!

Cid: @#$%! If Jenova is your master, then you're no friend of mine! And you probably hate Dukes of Hazzard! (He impales the weirdo on his Venus Gospel)

Vincent: Cid! Stop killing everyone we meet! Let me bite them and come back every night for more, eventually killing them and transforming them into a vampire!

Barret: I pity th' foo' who don't wear a cross when he's around Vincent!

Aeris: Ah, much better, Barret.

Elena: Why should one of those stupid Jenova-heads still be around? And why is everyone gone?

Cloud: I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.

Aeris: Oh Cloud! You sounded so cool and confident when you said that! I must have you!

Tifa: No way, you @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()!

Lioncat84: (offscreen) She pulled a Cid!

Cait Sith: We'd better go check on the bomb shelter!

Red XIII: I hope Grandfather is okay. (They start walking to the Reeve-Co building)

Vincent: Red, if you're a talking lion creature, or whatever you are, and Bugenhagen is a human, how is he your grandfather?

Red XIII: I'm not sure if Bugenhagen is human. That might just be what old people of my species look like. After all, he can fly. Can humans? No!

Cloud: Sephiroph could fly.

Red XIII: Oh shut up!

Setting: In the Reeve-Co bomb shelter

Red XIII: Grandfather! Are you all right?

Bugenhagen: Help! Ho Ho Hoo!

Cloud: (Singing)(Badly) Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know I need someone! HEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP! (Everyone besides Cloud screams in horror)

Cait Sith: Cloud! STOP!

Cloud: Sorry!

Red XIII: What do you need help with, Grandfather?

Bugenhagen: There's a Yuffie down here, trying to annoy me to death! Ho Ho Hoo!

Elena: What should we do?

Bugenhagen: Kill it! Ho Ho Hoo!

Cait Sith: With the utmost in pleasure. Prepare to die, Yuffie!

Yuffie: Ha! A stuffed animal can't beat me!

Cait Sith: Oh yes I can! (Throws dice. While Yuffie is busy watching them, Cait Sith throws a poisoned knife, which hiuts her in the shoulder.)

Yuffie: O, I die, Cait Sith;
The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit;
I cannot live to hear the news from England;
But I do prophesy the election lights

On Fortinbras; he has my dying voice;
So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,
Which have solicited.------The rest is silence.

Cait Sith: Stop pretending you're Hamlet, stupid @#$%er!

Yuffie: Fine. I regret nothing! (Dies)

Everyone: Yay!

Vincent: And to think all those stupid fics have me loving Yuffie! Yeah right, like anyone could love that stupid, annoying materia whore! Oh, and I have dibs on killing her next, okay?

Cloud: Okay.

Bugenhagen: Thanks for killing the Yuffie. Ho Ho Hoo!

Cait Sith: Don't mention it. It was fun.

Red XIII: Grandfather, everyone outside is being stupid.

Bugenhagen: What do you expect from all those inner-city schools? Ho Ho Hoo!

Cloud: What Red XIII means is that they're acting more stupid than usual. I think they're on Jenova.

Bugenhagen: Oh. Ho Ho Hoo! That's no laughing matter. Ho Ho Hoo!

Barret: If it's no laughing matter, why are you laughing, foo'?

Cid: @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()! He laughs at the end of every sentence. Where have you been, stupid?

Vincent: Cid! Sounds like someone needs some tea!

Cid: How'd you guess? Make me some tea, and while you're at it, turn on the Dukes of Hazzard!

Vincent: No! The remote is right next to you, and you'll have to make your own tea.

Cid: @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()!

Tifa: I'll make you some tea, Cid.

Cid: THANK YOU, TIFA! (Tifa makes tea, but spikes it with some sedatives)

Tifa: Here you go, Cid.

Cid: Thanks. (Drinks tea) Hey, this tastes kind of funny... (Falls asleep)

Aeris: How long will he be asleep?

Tifa: Not very long. And when he wakes up, he'll feel great. It had anti-depressants in it too.

Elena: Good; that's the worst cussing I've ever heard.

Red XIII: Grandfather, as soon as Cid wakes up, we'll have to go outside.

Bugenhagen: Okay. Ho Ho Hoo!

Cid: (Wakes up) Ahhhhh... I love all of you. You guys are such good friends.

Everyone except Cid: AAAAAAAA! We have to get out of here! (Everyone leaves, and an announcer walks in)

Announcer: Will Charles ever play football again? Does Asgrith really know what is happening to the chaps in France? And is Belinda such good *** as everyone says? Don't miss next week's exciting episode!

Different Announcer: (offscreen) We will now have a whopping great intermission. Small ice creams in very large boxes will be served.

Announcer: The story of the fic so far: Doug and Bob are metropolitan policemen with a difference. Doug likes nothing more than slipping into little cocktail frocks, while Bob bouffants his hair for a night on duty. Still, as they aren't in this fic, we won't give their last names... The real story of the fic so far: Norman V. Bloodvessel III is a nuclear scientist in love with Mafia boss Frank Marx, who is himself married to Conchito Macbeth, a lively belly-dancer at a Belgian disco, whose manager, Burly Ivan Crabbe, has a naked daughter Janice, engaged to J.J Spim, a New York private detective, employed by elegant Laura Hemming, to trace the missing million-pound jewel that Hitler gave to Eva Brown as a bar mitzvah present during a state visit to Krafts, and which remained hidden, until a World Cup referee, Horse Jenkinson, was found hanged in a New Jersey tenement with the plans of a Russian secret weapon partially tattooed on his elbow. In Brisbane, the Brain brothers, Mickey and Vance, torture a Mayfair podiatrist, who reveals to Dora Brain, in a tender and emotional death scene, that his hair is not his own. Meanwhile, at Kent, tourists have trapped husky Matilda Tritt on a sticky near Hastings, and she reveals all before they threaten to kill her. Peter Nizewan and Cyril Garfunkel arrive just in time with the Welsh police, and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, and proceed to sing a love song, which allows Dr. Endira MacNorton just enough time to cross the Alps into Geneva, where he meets Kahn Rapp, a Kung-Fu fanatic and cat lover, who frivolously shoots him, but not before introducing him to lively, intelligent Norwegian widow Lanny

Krempt, who shows him her inner thighs, where he finds the address of a good French restaurant, and unexpectedly meets Gabriello Machismo, an ex-Korean plastic surgeon, whose frankly blond assistant, Sally Lesbitt, is now the half-brother of a distant cousin of Rave Bon Ding-Dinger-Dong, the Eurovision song, and owner of the million-pound jewel given by Hitler as a bar-mitzvah present on a state visit to Krafts, and which remained hidden etc. etc. etc. This they now do. Meanwhile, Harold and Victor Medway discover a newfound love for each other in a flashback near Devon, where they meet up with Doug and Bob, the metropolitan policemen, who surprisingly turn out to be in this fic after all, who kill everyone, and live happily ever after.

Setting: In the streets of New Midgar

Cait Sith: We have to follow those stupid people!

Cid: I'm thinking that the AVALANCHE theme song should be playing.

Cloud: (Singing)(badly) You say you want a revolution? (Everyone besides Cloud screams in horror)

Elena: Stop!

Cloud: Sorry! (Everyone sighs with relief)

Tifa: We kept him down to one line this time!

Aeris: Yes, but that's one line too many.

Vincent: Thank the Planet! The song is over! (Everyone besides Cloud and Vincent sighs) What? Why is everyone acting upset?

Barret: The Song is Over is another song, foo'.

Cloud: (Singing)(badly) The song is over! It's all behind me! I should've known it! She tried to find me! (Everyone besides Cloud screams in horror)

Barret: You tricked us! You waited for us to say those magic words, didn't you, Foo'?!

Cloud: Yes, I did.

Red XIII: Well, we won't get fooled again! (Everyone besides Cloud and Red XIII groans with disgust) What? Why is everyone acting so upset?

Cid: @#$%! Won't get Fooled Again is another song! @#$%!

Cloud: (Singing)(badly) I tip my hat to the new Constitution! Take a vow for the new revolution! Smile and grin at the change all around! Pick up my guitar and play! Just like yesterday! And I get on my knees and pray! We don't get fooled again! (Everyone screams in horror)

Vincent: @#$%! We should start hurting you whenever you sing!

Cloud: Sorry!

Cid: Like hell you are!

Cloud: Okay, you got my number on that!

Cait Sith: I predict that was the last song he sings.

Barret: @#$%! @#$%ing cat! You're a bad fortune-teller. In fact, the opposite of what you predict always happens, foo'!

Bugenhagen: Hey, the weirdoes are leading us to the ruins of Old Midgar. Ho Ho Hoo!

Red XIII: Why would they be going to Old Midgar, Grandfather?

Bugenhagen: Time will tell. Ho Ho Hoo! (Yuffie leaps out from behind some trees)

Yuffie: HA! I have you now! (Throws shuriken, but she misses, hits a tree, and it gets deflected back) @#$%! Why won't any of you die?

Vincent: Because you suck! (Starts to make a motion for her throat)

Red XIII: Vincent, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Cloud: If she turns into a vampire, we'll have to put a stake in her heart to kill her!

Vincent: Oh. Right. Take this, Yuffie! (Scratches her with his claws, and then shoots her in the head.)

Yuffie: @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()! I'm dead again! (Dies)

Lioncat84: (offscreen) She pulled a Cid!

Aeris: Hey, all the weirdoes are going into this hole in the ground.

Cloud: Well, then we should follow them. Let's mosey!

Cid: @#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()@#$%^&*()! You did it again! (Everyone goes down the hole)

Setting: In the underground control center with the supercomputers and gene sequencers

Mojo: (Maniacally) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Faking my death sure was a good idea! Now they think Sephiroph is the bad one! They don't suspect me at all! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Assistant: Stop it, Mojo!

Mojo: Fine!

Setting: Right inside the hole AVALANCHE just went down

Cloud: Man, it sure is dark down here!

Tifa: There's no light switch! How are we supposed to see?

Vincent: Hmmm... Sometimes being a vampire comes in handy.

Barret: What'd you say, foo'?

Vincent: I said being a vampire comes in handy. All right, I'll transform into a bat and echolocate. All of you can just follow the fluttering noise.

Cloud: That's a good idea. (Vincent transforms into a bat)

Red XIII: I'm smelling Hojo very strongly, Grandfather.

Bugenhagen: Maybe he lived down here or something. Ho Ho Hoo!

Cid: @#$%! Shut the hell up! I can't hear Vincent over you two yapping! @#$%!

Elena: Hey, I see the light at the end of this tunnel!

Cloud: Vincent, come back! (Vincent the bat comes fluttering back, and transforms to Vincent)

Tifa: What do you suppose is at the end of this tunnel?

Bugenhagen: Time will tell. Ho Ho Hoo! (They go through the lighted section)

Setting: Mojo's office in the underground control center

Narrator: Mojo is sitting at a desk. Men holding either M16 assault rifles, or M4 carbines surround him. Most of the people have M203 grenade launchers attached to their weapons.

Mojo: Are my Jenova-heads coming?

Sycophant: Yes, they are coming. Any plan of yours will work.

Mojo: Good.

Sycophant: I love it when you exhale in my direction.

Mojo: Soon, I will have an army of totally loyal subjects! They are loyal to Jenova, and whoever controls Jenova controls them! My brother was an idiot! If he had done this instead of diddling with Sephiroph clones, AVALANCHE wouldn't have killed him! Ha! And to think my parents always thought Hojo was the smart one! They thought I was retarded, because I was so quiet! Ha! I was just the cold and calculating one! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Sycophant: Yes, your parents were idiots!

Mojo: Don't insult my family! (Grabs an M16, puts it on full automatic, and empties the whole 30-round magazine into the Sycophant)

Setting: In the underground control center

Narrator: AVALANCHE has just entered the control center.

Cloud: Wow! This place is huge! Now, you guys know what to do, right?

Cid: @#$% no! You didn't tell us!

Cloud: Mosey through all these Jenova-heads and kill the normal people, and look for an office!

Everyone in AVALANCHE except Cloud: Okay. (They fan out, and conduct a terrible massacre, but unfortunately, since it is highly visual, I can't write much about it.)

Elena: I found a door, but it is reinforced steel and locked!

Cloud: Blow it open then, stupid! Do you guys always need micro-management?

Elena: Hey! I find that to be hurtful and insensitive!

Cid and Barret: (in unison) @#$%! Who cares if it was hurtful and insensitive? Blow open the door, you @#$%!

Elena: Fine. (Blows open the door)

Cloud: Good job. Let's go! (They go through the door)

Setting: Mojo's office

Mojo: AAAAAAAAAAA! It's AVALANCHE! WHAT SHOULD I DO?! (One of his guards whispers in his ear) Oh yeah. My name is Mojo. You killed my brother. Prepare to die. GUARDS, OPEN FIRE! (All his guards open fire, and are surprised at the ineffectiveness of their bullets)

AVALANCHE: (in unison) Nya naaah naaaaah! You'll have to do better than that!

Mojo: @#$%! They must be made of stronger stuff. USE... THE GRENADES! (The guards launch 40mm high-explosive grenades out of their M203 grenade launchers, and throw hand grenades. Again, they are surprised at the ineffectiveness of their attacks.)

AVALANCHE: (in unison) Nya naaah naaaaah! You'll have to do better than that!

Mojo: @#$%! Why isn't this working!?

Cloud: (Calm and collected) I'll explain. First, I've got to ask you, what level are these soldiers? Level 2?

Mojo: (indignantly) Look, I'll have you know: These guards are at Level 3.

Cloud: Well, we're all at Level 99, except for Elena, and she has an HP Plus and a Tetra Elemental. Also, all our weapons are above 90 in power.

Mojo: Hmmm... I... see... GUARDS! SAVE ME!

Guard: There's nothing we can do! (Cloud cuts off all the guard's heads in one stroke of his Ultima Weapon)

Mojo: Ulp! Can't we come to some sort of agreement?

AVALANCHE: NO! (Everyone attacks him, uses magic, and casts Knights of The Round.)

Mojo: I guess I can see how easily my brother was defeated. (Dies)

AVALANCHE: Yay!

Cloud: Now we just have to defeat Sephiroph!

Aeris: But Sephiroph hasn't done anything bad!

Cloud: Um... Um... Would someone help me find a reason to kill Sephiroph again?

Vincent: It's all a trick to lure us into a state of not suspecting him.

Cloud: Um, yeah. What he said. Let's mosey! (They leave)

Setting: Sephiroph's hideout in New Midgar

Narrator: Sephiroph is sitting on the recliner. Lioncat84 is on the couch.

Lioncat84: Now, I know you decided to go straight, but then decided to be evil when you saw that a Weapon and a Yuffie were on the loose, but they have been taken care of, so you'll probably want to be nice again. But unfortunately, I have bad news. Cloud hates you with a vengeance, and would kill you if he found you, nice or not. I tried to, you know, save you, but-

Sephiroph: What'd you do?

Lioncat84: I'm about to tell you. So anyway, I got Aeris to try and save you, but Cloud made up a phony excuse, and they're coming for you, so... Here's your Masamune. It won't be much use to you now that the Jenova inside of you is gone, but you can have it anyway. You're gonna need it. Goodbye. (Lioncat84 disappears in a puff of smoke)

Sephiroph: Ah, sweet Masamune. It's good to have you back. It's a shame that I'm dead meat. I shouldn't have put up signs for the delivery people that lead directly to my hideout. It'll probably only be a few minutes. (Spends those few minutes humming Chopin's "Funeral March", until Cloud and the gang come marching in)

Cloud: SEPHIROPH! My old nemesis! So, you've been brought to life with an Instant Plot device? Well, I shall undo that! Prepare to die, infidel!

Sephiroph: But I didn't do anything!

Cloud: That's so you can lure us into a false sense of security! Omnislash! (Cloud dices Sephiroph into 200 pieces.) Ah, now that Sephiroph is gone, all the knots in the rope of this story line have been undone. (Cloud happens to glance over at Tifa and Aeris.)

Tifa: Cloud is mine!

Aeris: No he's not! He's mine!

Tifa: Shut up! You're just jealous!

Aeris: You shut up!

Cloud: Or maybe not. Oh well.

Send all mail praising my wonderful piece of fiction to lioncat84@hotmail.com. Keep all messages about how awful this was to yourself, although you' be right, I can say in hindsight.