The Ringbone Gazette

No. 57                                                      Late 199

Have you ever noticed how slow things get around BSE during the holidays? Not that they aren't slow to begin with. Many of the starcaptains I've talked to have said they started their holiday season early- say, like Week 35. Maintenance, the occasional run to another colony, that's about it. Waiting for the big BSE Two-Kay...

Well, not here at the Bone. That's right- whine and moan and beetch and complain all ya want. We have a high quality rag to put out. We don't do holidays until the Bone is on the streets. So there.

This a Sort-of Holiday Issue. And it'll be a damn good one. We want to do better than our last issue. Especially our last issue. As a matter of fact, we're doing this one live on Christmas Eve. You could call it "last minute procrastination", but we call it "live".

Yeppers, we're putting this out right here from IND Undersea Base on Hammerfest, at the Celtians' newest Recreational Complex, Liquid Louie's Risky Island Water Park. It's Grand Opening time and they've asked Yers Truly to be Master of Ceremonies. What better place to celebrate the Holidays than with 500-plus folks here in Flipperland? Yeah, I know they're not dolphins, they're Celtians. But it's a cool place. So it's Watery Christmas and a Soggy New Year! Sorry- couldn't help myself that time. That's why you don't see holly and mistletoe in the header.

Leseee...the news... Blood Priest Whisper's Birthday Bash was reportedly a rousing success and described as "the Event of the 190s". I was s'posed to go, but my employer had other ideas. We'll give you a report later on by somebody who did if they ever sober up.

The Zolmanis got their panties in a knot over a colony called IND or FET Amaris out in Allipon. Yep, that Amaris. Prince Nolan, quantity one. So as of Week 45 or so, the ZCS were loading up ships with weapons, and the SAMmies were promising to kick Zolmani thorax and take names if the ZCS attack the colony. Like Prince Nolan isn't being punished enough by being stuck in the Transhole in the first place. Jess kiddin'....sheesh. Some beings are soooo touchy.

Anyway, the Zolmanis changed their tune and are now in an el-biggo love fest with the RoC. Freed slaves, posting lists purged...what next? Free corn-dogs fer everyone? This holiday-season feelgoodyness is too much.

Buffalo Bill Cody and the RIP are sneering at one another. Bill's calling 'em self-aggrandizing and neanderthalic, and the RIP are busy looking for a dictionary so they can figger out what the hell he's talkin' about.

So it's back to da Bone. This time I promised that we have an honest-to-goodness interview. Well, I don't. So sue me. But I've got something that's almost an interview

In case you never heard them, we've done two or three "Harold Hedd Show" broadcasts from IND Undersea Base. One of our best ones was done at the Roman Gardens here. I talked to the guy who thought this place up, Liquid Louie. Picture a cross between that old Terran guy who made a fortune with a mouse (not Bill Gates, dammit) and a Las Vegas lounge singer. Wholesomeness meets Naugahyde. Anyway here's

Ten Questions with Liquid Louie, Water Park Guru

1. This is a real nice water park. How did it come about?

Louie: Galactic Resorts Unlimited was looking to develop a water park type of resort destination. The advance people brought IND Undersea Base to the attention of the chairman and the president. I mean, really, look around this place, it ain't nuthin' but water. Case closed...deal sealed.

2.  What is "Galactic Resorts Unlimited"?

Louie: Galactic Resorts Unlimited was formed to create, develop, market and manage recreational destination starport complexes across all areas of known space. Basically, it's meant to make everyone happy. And, no one makes someone happier than Hizzoner Rlo Krieger. It's grown over the past year or so to include passenger cruises and specialty tours.

Bottom line, Galactic Resorts Unlimited wants to put "U" right in the middle of FUN.

3. Was it hard for a non-Celtian to get permission to operate this place?

Louie: Celtian, schmeltian. My boss, Rlo Krieger, he don't see no difference between the races. They ain't Celtians to him. They are customers. And all customers look alike. Plus, you gotta admit, no one greases a palm like Rlo. A few squids changed hands...a freighter of concentrated liquid fish pheromones disappeared...it's all a matter of doing business in the local currency.

4. The Bone staff and crew has been sampling the rides. And you didn't lie in your advertising- they are a blast, though a bit risky. Have you had many problems?

Louie: Well, it is called "RISKY ISLAND" right? People love scary rides. But, what makes them scary? Fear! People can't be scared by grits and cornmeal mush. Oh sure, they'll eat them, but only if there are sharks swimming in it. And I'm proud to say that since we've been opened to the public we have a perfect record when it comes to finding lost limbs and severed appendages.

5. Have you gone on the rides yourself?

Louie: Eh...<confers with his attorney in whispers>...sure. Been on all of them. Loved each one of them. Scared the hell out of me.

6. What inspired you to come up with the various rides?

Louie: Too much tequila if my memory serves me. I don't know. I had run various similar but smaller water parks in the Inner Empire, so when Galactic Resorts Unlimited came to see me, to originally act as a consultant, I just did what I had been doing. Only on a grander scale. I don't try to dissect and analyze the creative process. I scribbled them on a napkin, a sanitary one I might add, as they came to me. Some were better than others. The good ones we kept. The others we put in a crate with the melted crayons and shipped them that orphanage on Petroom.

7. Is there a mascot for Risky Island?

Louie: Mickey Manta. He's cute. He's cuddly. Just don't step on his tail, okay?

8. What other rides are you planning to add?

Louie: We don't have any plans at this time to increase the number of rides here at RISKY ISLAND. Amusements have a limited lifespan, and usually revenues begin to plateau at around 3-5 years. GRU designers are already working on replacements, but I can't speak of those now. Suffice to say that RISKY ISLAND will remain on the cutting edge of scariness far into the future.

9. Who is Funny Uncle Earl?

Louie: He runs the on-site day care facility for RISKY ISLAND and he is funny...<confers with the attorney again>...beyond that I am not at liberty to say because of confidentiality restrictions set forth in a past legal settlement agreement.

10. One last thing: any plans for more of these?

Louie: More RISKY ISLANDS? No. I would think that one would be enough, wouldn't  you? GRU is involved in developing theme parks that complement their  location. That's why RISKY ISLAND is a water park on a water world. Golf courses on Fairway and Dogleg. Saloons on Drihev. And so on. Soon they will be everywhere where there are lots of people. Making people happy, that's all that Hizzoner Rlo Krieger wants Galactic Resorts Unlimited to do. If it makes him a stellar in the process, well then, he'll be happy, too.

Wasn't that special? Maybe we should do more of 'em, justa show those wannabe shoot-em-ups that there's more to BSE than blasters and body counts.

Can ya believe Week 52 is over? Week 52?!! I know somebody explained why we lost a week somewheres, but it's still confusing to my tah-kill-ya soaked brain. Mebbe the Ghods will throw in a Week 53 next year. I dunno.

Back to Risky Island. If you think this is shameless plugging, you're right. Hey, they gave us all this gratis (that's "free" to you RIP types) stuff. Food, drink, rides, these neat Mickey Manta T-shirts, everything! Well... we still haven't been allowed to the orgies at the Roman Gardens. But I'm trying. If that doesn't work, I'll grovel. Like you never begged for sex, right? Right?

Thanks to mah considerable influence (and endless whining), I get ta show yew lil' rascals a bit of the place, and here is my favorite part:

                  Risky Island: Tsunami Pipeline Ocean Wave Pool                     

For those who want to surf or boogie board the best of all possible worlds then this is the part of Risky Island that you'll want to spend your day at.

A giant half-moon pool with a radius of half a mile. Every fifteen minutes the far end of the pool thunders with the release of over ten billion gallons of water to create a wave measuring over 90 feet tall and moving at almost 200mph towards the shore. The architecture of the pool foundation forces the water to create perfect pipeline structures which surfers and boogie boarders will find both thrilling and challenging.

Small children on the beach should be accompanied by an adult or tethered to one of the many tidal wave poles buried in the sand across the beach, to prevent them from being washed away when the giant wave hits the beach.

Is that way cool, or what? And yes- we did get permission to reprint that excerpt so keep them damn lawyer-brigades at bay. Better still, sic 'em on the RIP.

Let's see what else we got here...hold it! I said this was a Sort-of Holiday Issue, right? So what's this? I know it's a submission, Duckbutt. Don't we have something else? No? Okay (sigh):

Another Visit to the Regiment

Was it my imagination, or was it getting colder every year here? My wife jokes that I'm 'getting old', but I swear that the winters here are worse every year.

Of course it doesn't help that we do the Parade at sunrise. We'd talked about doing it the night before, like it was done in the old days, with creches and dinner and all that. But we celebrated our first Christmas as a Regiment at sun-up those many years ago on Kolars, and that's how it's going to stay. Damn traditions.

So here I was once again, wrapped in a heated greatcoat and trudging out over the frost-covered starport tarmac.This year was a bit different. We had an audience of sorts. The camp had been moved, closer to a larger though much less tidy settlement on the far end of the starport near the cliffs. The Regiment had found a work-at-home job.

Lieutenant Zeke met me at the usual thousand paces from the formation.

"Mornin', Admiral." I returned his salute, barely seen in the pre-dawn gloom.

"Good Morning, Zeke. Looks like we've drawn a crowd."

"Oh, them," he nodded toward the chattering, jostling mass standing next to the ropes, "they were bugging us all week, asking when it was, where they could stand, the works. They don't have much excitement, y'know."

"Obviously, if they gather here in this miserable cold to watch us."

"We should've sold tickets," Zeke chuckled.

We slowly marched to where the formation was standing. It didn't take as long to inspect the troops; a third of the unit was deployed on assignment. But the uniforms were just as sharp, the motions just as crisp. I could make out faces in the growing light.  One, an "original"  from the CPR Rebellion; still mercenary, but no longer RIP. Another, a former Community acolyte. Kazereckii warriors who left in the great migration from Michuriak Hive. The lone Kolarian, now leading his first platoon. The castoffs of the Periphery. The losers, the pardoned, the displaced, the lost. They were the Regiment.  My Regiment.

"Regiment, parade rest!" The order was repeated by the company officers. The crowd grew quiet.

"Call the muster, Sargeant Major." The senior noncom saluted and turned to the troops.

"Abanake!"

"Here!" came a voice from the back.

"Baron!"

"Deployed!"

The muster went on, until one-hundred sixty seven names were called, including mine. Then-

"Danjou!"

"I answer for Danjou," a voice replied.

"Vilain!"

"I answer for Vilain." said the Kolarian.

"Maudet!"

"I answer for Maudet," the voice belonged to the youngest private. He'd been one of the orphans from the Kommercia that showed up on our doorstep. We didn't question him when he said he was of "proper age" to enlist. What were we going to do - kick him out?

The muster went on: Maine, Katau, Wenzel, Constantin, Leonhart; the Seven of Camerone. Koenig of Bir Hakiem, DeCastries of Dienbienphu, the Last Patrol of Mons Olympus, MacQuarrie and Messervy of the Valaskjaf Raid, O'Brien of Curiosity, Brakehart of Kolars, D'zin of Petroom. Then came the last two names:

"Swift!" Travers Swift had been the main supporter of the Regiment and had been made an honorary and permanent member at his death. This would be year eleven since his passing on .

"I answer for Swift," the Lieutenant spoke. He usually answered for the last name.

"Seafeather!"

"I answer for Seafeather." I replied. Of the names in the Ghost Patrol that are sounded off at the Christmas and Camerone Musters, I was the only one who literally had returned from the Dead. Now the name was back on the list again; there was still one, maybe more Seafeathers around. The Regiment decided the name would be called, and someone would answer, until all were accounted for.

The colors were paraded, the bagpiper made his lonely trek across the frosty ground, and as the sun broke over the horizon, three volleys of shots and the three calls of 'Taps'; Old French, Old American, and Imperial. Then, silently, the units passed before us in review . When it was done and the last had marched away, the Lieutenant escorted me back to my shuttle.

"Thanks for sending stellars instead of presents this year, sir."

"When you explained why, I figured it was for the best."

"Yeah, those poor bastards over there don't have much. I guess the troops felt a little guilty celebrating while our... charges starved."

"That's one thing you've never explained to me," I stopped and looked at him, "How in blazes did you end up guarding these refugees?"

"Not refugees, Admiral. Expatriates. I... offered our services," Lieutenant Zeke replied, "they were 'allowed' to leave the main colony and live out here. They didn't fit in with the colony and they can't go back to their old home.Some of the starport punks and riff-raff started bothering 'em. So I asked if they needed help. They pay what they can, when they can, and it gives the troops something to do besides training and drinking."

"You're mellowing, Lieutenant," I said half-joking, "the old Zeke wouldn't have made that kind of call."

"It was the right decision, Sir," Zeke said with an odd tone in his voice, "these poor bastards don't have a place to call home. They've got no one to stand up for 'em. I know what that's like. It took me a while to realize it, but I know what it means to have nobody. The Regiment's my home now, sorta, but I know what they're going through."

"You won't get an argument from me, Lieutenant. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Admiral."

As I made the long trek back to the shuttle, I had a feeling something was going to happen this year for the Regiment. No good deed goes unpunished.

Every Holiday Season since Maddie and Father Larry started this rag, there's been a version of 'Night Before Christmas" in it. Well, I dithered and I dee-laid 'cause it's trite and hackneyed (a word the Pundit at Large taught me). But Igloo Montana our Mailroom Guy just threatened to brain me with a fruitcake if I didn't do something really holiday-like. Considering I don't like candied fruit, I agreed. But I'm gonna do it the Bone way. like printing something a reader sent me. So here is:

Holo-Messages to Santa

Intercepted by Annie Nonymouse

Gizboutii, Smitt & Blande, Attorneys at Law

Dear Santa Claus;

According to enclosure (a), you have placed my client, Star Admiral Morgan of the Gray Wolf Clan, at the top of your 'Naughty List'. According to a Week 51 phone conversation with your Head Elf, the placement was based on Star Admiral Morgan's "vociferous" and "inane" public comments, especially regarding the Detinus republic, and so-called "bungled leadership", as you defined my client's involvement in the USA's campaign against a certain colony in Galactix.

Given that there is a long string of many legal cases upholding your right to maintain a Bad List (O'Brien v. Santa, Lask v. Santa, etc.) my client does not dispute your placing him on it. However, my client feels that the placement of his name at the top of the List constitutes slander.

Therefore we request that the Bad List not be published with my client's name on top. Failure to do so will cause us to consider adding a charge of libel to the slander charge should we we decide to litigate.

We request your answer soonest. Happy Holidays.

Hyram Gizboutii, Esq.

Roc Colony Corona, Draconia

Santa Claus, you Enslaver and Oppressor!

You claim to be Benevolent and the Embodiment of Christmas. You lie! You lie!

You speak of who is Naughty and who is Nice. But you are the Naughty one! You, the Slaver!

Civilized space rejects slavery, Santa. Slavery, the dark horse from the past, still resides in its fetid stable at your workshops. I speak of the Elves, the Christmas Workers Noble, the unheralded and uncompensated cogs in your so-called gift giving machine. The reindeer, who labour trapped in your harnesses, laboring mightily while you reap the fruits of their labor. For shame!   

Free your elves, Santa. Let loose your reindeer. Is that too much to ask of a being who is supposed to represent the giving side of Christmas? Let the Beacon of Freedom and Liberty shine brightly at the North Pole!

Live Free or Die!

Death to the STC!

Bill Cody

P.S. Would you bring me a Star Destroyer? A thorlium plated one? Please?

Guv'nor's Mansion, IND Werth

Deer Santa;

You nose I bin a gud boy, 'cause me Mommy told ya I iz. Thanx fer last yeer's stuf. Sori I dint rite sooner. Itz a lotta werk bein Guv'nor

Hear iz my list, an Phuzy's list, an.. o yeah, Myron's. You don't hafta reely get evryting on dem. But Ida reely apresheeate it if you wud take reel gud care of da ladeez list. Dey bin reel gud girls, az you remmember frum last yeer. I is shure dat dey will thanks you fer it whens you showz up again dis yeer. Just keeps da reindeers offa da foinicher.

                                                                                                                              Yur Pal,

                                                                                                                                   Rlo

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good boy this year. I didn't get into trouble once. So I am asking for this Christmas is one thing. One little tiny teeny little thing.

Could you get me back in BSE?

Merry Christmas,

Hagbard Celine, working in a Victoria's Secret, somewhere.  

Woo boy! I know I'm gonna catch hell for that last one. Don't blame me. I just print 'em. I don't censor 'em- much.

Does it feel Christmasy yet?

No, huh? Me neither. I thought it I might have the Christmas spirit. But it was the nachos.

Letters to the Editor

Mr. Hedd

Keep up the good work!

High Priest Methuselah

FOE Temple of Pestilence

Gee, thanks Methuselah. I'm touched. I seldom get mail from Foelians. What bothers me is... am I doing something right- or wrong?

[Hedd:]

Married? What a silly ancient concept? And exactly "who" would have had the balls to marry Larissa Anna? No one in this universe was that crazy.

Cmdr. Victoria Larissa Oberon, ISP III Saganic Mass

p.s. Clan Oberon would like to thank Gagoff and his KME for sticking their head into the lion's mouth.

Gee, Victoria! Like I said, I just print this stuff. Say, when does the KME bring their act around Werth? It'd be interesting to see an Ent trying to fit his head between a lion's jaws.

Sir,

We offer Bastion of Eeeevil for your services if you wish. And as further incentive, we promise not to treat you or any of the Ringbone Gazette staff to our famous meal of "Reporter Jambalaya" or "Reporter and Pinto Beans" both of which can be found in our book "187 Ways to Cook and Eat Humans."

Blood Priest Whisper

Wow- two letters from Foelians! Thanks, and I'll stop by. Just for drinks, though.

Hedd,

The IMP will die as will all it's lackies.

A Freedom Fighter

Thank you for your message, sir or madam. Merry Christmas to you "to".

What Bone would be complete without our next feature? It's time for:

Rumor and Innuendo by Kinki Dewins

*  Lots of new ships coming out next year, from nearly all areas of Known Space.

*  Look for more experienced people to go looking for new opportunities outside their present affiliations. Some moves may be surprising.

*  Other things coming up next year: actions against technology reversals, and believe it or not, fewer large scale ship battles.

*  Rumors abound that the entrance to USA space may have already been discovered.

*  Allipon is planning to make a move this year, most likely out of the Transhole.

*  Still many reports of strange ship sightings, the latest being in the Nexus.

Ads & Stuff

***Starcaptains Needed***  The Foelian Theocracy has urgent need of starcaptains! If you are interested in exploration, trade, or combat the FOE need you! What's that? You're a  human? No problem my friend, Possession will do wonders for your complexion and self-esteem, just ask Linda Blair!

ROC Romero (4614) is open for trade. 30,000 Colonists for 10 stellars each. 30,001 Food, 1stellar/MU. 10.000 Processed thorlium 54 stellars/MU. 15,000 Fossil fuel 2 stellars/MU. 30,001 Thorlium ore 15 stellars/MU. 50 GPI scrambler 900 stellars/MU, 10,000 Pulac 26 stellars/MU, 50 Zombies 167 stellars each. Inquire about free ship maintenance program. Save time - use our hi-port! Location: Blowton system # 164 SSQ 15-43, on Geeche.

IND AMARIS HQ (1037) IS BUYING! Fissionables, Fossil Fuel, PT, Fibrillium. We're buying! Power, BCMs, ICMs, bring them here! Mines, TMs, Life supports, you have them- we want them! Located on Allipon in the Limond (94) system.

Be it known that week 52 Clan Kol WILL divest itself from the WCE. It is my wish that this transition could be mutually amicable for all parties involved. My Clan will keep their oaths of security in those areas which include the WCE and the T-4. - Lord Ming Kol, Patriarch Clan Kol

Out Transhole Way? Please be sure to visit IND Allipon (1399) in the Limond (94) system. My used ship market can't be beat. You want something built? ASK! We're now able to build Survey Cruisers. Watch for our "Moving Sale" coming in the near future. - Lord Justin Jacine, IND Allipon

Petroom Is Open For Business! Markets are reopened at Kommercia Hive. We're oriented towards entertainment modules and exploration items.Why not stop in and visit a prime example of ongoing economic reconstruction in the Periphery? - D'zk Kal'ita, Governor of Kommercia Hive.

Free Port! IND Werth is the latest and greatest in free and open ports. Buy stuff. Sell stuff. Exchange prisoners. Shop 'till you drop. Party with the pirates! Werth is the playground of the rich and infamous. And never, ever a cover charge.

So we got screwed out of Permanent Mines. Myrrians can still build Myrships (10-10-10) and Myrchants (1-30-2). Both 100 mu/hull shift and are Nexus and Draconian Cluster-friendly. We also have licenses available as well as other items for sale and barter. - Der Laul, for the MYR.

Got a Hot Survey Find? The MYR are interested in buying information on molten lava worlds or planetary sectors. Contact bhendric@morgan.ucs.mun.ca

The Bone would like to thank the following:

Mystic Pizza II, North Stoningon, CT (thanks for the freebie, BTW....)

Son O' Gandalf

Emeril's in Orlando, for the lousy directions...(yeah, it's been six months, but I'm still po'ed at 'em...)

Clan Oberon

Clan Bellamy (for the comic relief...)

Certain Nexus-Dwellers

The Celtians

The EEM

The FET

Galactic Resorts Unlimited

RTG