The Choice I by Leigh Alexander leigh_xf@geocities.com First posted: March 4, 1996 RATING: PG CATEGORY: SA SPOILERS: None KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully UST SUMMARY: Mulder must make a choice that will affect his and Scully's lives forever. DISCLAIMERS: 1) Dana and Fox belong to Chris and Ten Thirteen Productions and the other Fox. Absolutely *no* copyright infringement is intended - I'm not doing this for money, I'm doing it for love. I *love* these characters, I wouldn't want to hurt them! :) 2) OK to archive, but if it's going anywhere other than Gossamer, please drop me a line just so I can keep track. 3) Feel free to distribute and discuss this, as long as my name and addy remain attached. INTRO: This is only my second story, so continue to be gentle with me. I'm Australian, therefore I haven't seen many of the season three eps - I've only seen up to Paper Clip, so if there's anything that's happened after that that I haven't referred to, that's why. I also may occasionally make some mistakes with regards to American terminology and customs, if I do, I'm sorry, and please feel free to e me and correct me! I welcome constructive criticism or other comments - but no unnecessary flaming please! I would call this a friendship-relationship story with just a teensy-weensy bit of romance (blink and you'll miss it), and yes, it is suitable for underage readers... And thanks to Karen Rasch for her encouragement, and constructive criticism - and for letting me use the necklace thing also!! :) ----------------------------------------------------------- The Choice I ----------------------------------------------------------- Mulder walked soundlessly down the corridor; walking stealthily along empty corridors had become a habit to him. It was a part of his FBI training that was so deeply ingrained in him that he no longer even noticed he was doing it. If he thought about it, he would probably see the action as yet another example of what his partner would call his "overly paranoid" side - but he didn't think about it. It was a habit as innate as his addiction to sunflower seeds. He stood in front of his apartment door, vaguely aware of the dust that had gathered on the 42 that had remained untouched for years, and ferreted in his pocket for his keys. As he pulled them out he paused for a moment, his thoughts suddenly, inexplicably, turning to his partner of six years. She was all he had left now. His mother had passed away the previous year from cancer after a year-long fight against the inexorable spread of the disease, his father had been murdered, and it was nearly thirty years since his sister disappeared... there was only Scully. Sometimes it scared him - how dependant he'd become on her; he had been such a loner for most of his life, ridiculed for his ideas or distanced from others by what they saw as his remoteness, aloofness and uncanny ability to understand certain things. But not Scully. She had never been scared by him, never felt the need to draw back from him. Even when she couldn't understand him, or didn't believe him. Since starting his work for the government, he had worked out that the only principle to stick by was "Trust no one" - the words uttered by Deep Throat as he lay dying. Only somehow, somewhere along the way, his motto had changed to trust no one - except Scully. It had been a smooth transition. There had been no one moment which had sparked the knowledge that Scully was going to become the only person in his - admittedly deeply paranoid (although in his mind, legitimately so) - life in whom he could place his unwavering faith and trust. If it hadn't been for Scully... He didn't need to pursue the thought. Mulder knew that she had saved not only his life, but his sanity, on more occasions than he could count. Suddenly aware that he had been standing in the corridor for over five minutes, with his keys in his hand, Mulder cut off his thoughts, and briskly placed his key in the lock. He entered his apartment with a sigh of relief, his mind now turning to thoughts of the weekend ahead: his first undisturbed weekend at home in over a month. He and Scully had just returned from an arduous case in Washington State, and what he needed right now was some R&R. As he removed his coat, he was already mulling over his plans for the evening, eventually deciding that nothing would give him more pleasure than lying on the couch watching an obscure late-night movie on one of the cables. Not very adventurous, he realised, but certainly enjoyable. In his mind, at least. As he tossed his coat onto a chair, he suddenly became aware of a presence in the room. He spun round, simultaneously reaching for his weapon, and found himself face to face with an unknown man, who had obviously been hiding in the shadows behind his doorway. Seeing Mulder's hand on his gun the man held up his hand, a gentle expression on his face, and spoke, "Please... I am unarmed. I am not here to hurt you - I have some information for you." The man submitted willingly to Mulder's vigorous search for hidden weapons, and then calmly moved over to sit on the nearby couch, at Mulder's instruction. Mulder studied him with puzzlement. He certainly didn't appear to be very threatening, so what was he doing here - what did he want? Was he the next in what was becoming a long line of government informants willing to be Mulder's ally? Was this man going to fill the place vacated almost two years ago by the still-unsolved disappearance of the man Mulder had come to know as Mr. X? Or was he in fact here to hurt Mulder, destroy the X-Files, or fulfil some other government or even anti-government agenda? Mulder didn't know, but as long as he still had his weapon in his hand, he felt reasonably safe and he indicated to the man to start talking. The stranger did not start to speak immediately. He had been aware of the scrutinising gaze of the agent, and he now reciprocated with his own examination of the man facing him. He had heard a lot about Fox Mulder - had seen photos of him, had read his reports, had listened to his hypno-regression therapy tapes - but this was the first time he'd been in the same room as him, the first time he'd been in such close contact. He now realised that everything his superiors had said about Mulder was true. He could see immediately that this was a man driven by pain; a pain that had lessened over the years, but was still there, nonetheless. He realised that the faith the others had placed in Mulder to follow their plan - in choosing the path that they had assumed he would - had not been misplaced... Softly, he started to speak. At first, his story was delivered in monologue style: he recited the facts, and watched Mulder reacting to his words. Disbelief, amazement and excitement shone out of Mulder's eyes, whilst his face remained placid and unemotional, unaware of their deception. As the story progressed, Mulder started to interject. He demanded evidence, proof and more information. The storyteller answered every question without the slightest hesitation, provided proof on demand, and supported his story at every turn, until slowly Mulder came to the undeniable conclusion that the man was telling the truth, and that what he was hearing was going to change his life forever. After two hours the man finished speaking and stared into the now-shell-shocked eyes of the government agent. He paused. A significant pause - a pause that he knew Mulder needed. And then, a moment later, a word fell from his lips, "So?..." It was a question. "I'll go." Mulder replied without a moment's hesitation. Funny, he thought to himself, he had always imagined that this decision would be the hardest one he would ever have to make. But when actually confronted with the proposition it had been as easy as choosing his favourite video, or tie, or how he liked his coffee. It was an instinctive decision: one that required no thought or consideration. The man nodded curtly, wondering if his superiors would have been as surprised as he was by the ease with which Mulder had made the decision. He started to speak, intending on outlining how things were going to proceed from now, but he was cut off by Mulder, who added firmly, "But, there's someone I have to see first." "I'm afraid that's impossible, Agent Mulder. I was just about to explain to you that one of the conditions that you must agree to if you are to come with me, is that we leave tonight - at midnight." "I'll be back by then - I guarantee it." Mulder was adamant, knowing that he couldn't go without saying goodbye to her. The man finally relented, knowing that he needed no guarantees of Mulder's return; knowing that what he had offered Mulder was guarantee enough that he would come back. Seeing that the seemingly necessary approval had been granted, Mulder leapt out of his chair, grabbed his coat and was out the door before the man had time to change his mind. As he impatiently stabbed the elevator button, he looked at his watch: it was seven-thirty; he had four and a half hours.... ******************** Scully sighed as she glimpsed her partner's form through the peekhole. She was almost tempted not to open the door - to pretend she was out, or asleep, or something. It wasn't that she didn't want to see him - normally she'd be pleased to see his familiar face peering at her through the peekhole - but not tonight. She was so exhausted, all she really wanted to do was snuggle up on her couch and read. Mulder knocked again, more insistently this time. He knew she was home, her car was out the front, her lights were on and he was sure he had heard her approach the door at his first knock. Just as he was about to knock on the door for the third time, it opened and Scully's tired face looked up at him. "Mulder... what are you doing here?" She hadn't meant to sound unwelcoming, but from the look on his face, she had obviously come across more directly than she had intended. She softened her voice and apologetically explained, "It's just that I'm really tired, and I was looking forward to an early night..." It was then that she saw his eyes - really saw them - and abruptly swallowed what she had been saying, while simultaneously ushering him into her apartment and leading him to the couch, where they sat down, facing each other. "My God, Mulder, what's wrong... has something happened?" He stared at her. It wasn't until he'd seen her at the door that the impact of his decision really hit him. His eyes were fixed on her, trying to absorb all the possible information they could gain about Dana Scully. He wanted to fix her in his memory, encapsulate everything he had ever known about her in this one moment and then lock it away in his mind - to keep for the rest of his life. "Scully." His voice was low - it started to waver as he spoke the next words, "There's something I have to tell you." ******************** Dana Scully knew that something was wrong. She sensed that whatever it was Mulder was about to tell her was going to upset the delicate balance they had each finally attained in their lives, after six years of relentless change and upheaval. Six years... sometimes it didn't feel like they'd been working together for that long - she could still clearly remember their first year together as though it were only last year. And yet, six years also seemed accurate when she thought about their relationship - they had a strong partnership, one that was based on respect, understanding, affection, faith and, most importantly, trust. It was a partnership that had only strengthened with time. The more often they were torn apart by events, the more united they were when brought back together again. They had been through so much together, and now... it was all about to change. She could feel it; she could see it in Mulder's expression - and especially in the way he was now trying to avoid her eyes. She lay her hand gently on his, staring at his lowered face until he was compelled to lift it and face her piercing blue eyes. "What is it Mulder?" She spoke softly, using the voice she had used often before when persuading recalcitrant witnesses to speak. He couldn't speak immediately, couldn't say the words that were going to shatter their lives... would she understand? Would she forgive him? He couldn't bear the thought of her hating him... but maybe, maybe she would understand. He swallowed and started to speak: "When I came home this evening there was a man in my apartment -" he was cut off by Scully's unspoken question, expressed with the slightest movement of her eyebrow, "I don't know who he was - I'd never seen him before." He stopped. "Go on," she murmured. He continued, his eyes once again avoiding hers. "He told me a lot of things, Scully. Cover-ups that the government had been involved in - details of UFO abductions, alien landing sites... the lot." Scully was puzzled - normally when Mulder started relating stories of government cover-ups and proof of alien existence, he would be enthusiastically excited - his voice rising, his hands gesticulating wildly and his eyes bright. But not this time - he related the story in a flat monotone, his body language suggesting that he couldn't even be bothered with it all. This personality change only confirmed her previous suspicions that something was terribly wrong. He hesitated before speaking the words that would change their lives forever. "Scully... he told me he could take me to Samantha." The words escaped him in a rush, his voice both incredulous and excited. She gasped; she didn't know what to say. She couldn't believe it - not now, not after all these years. Her heart had started pounding, she could feel her head pulsing in pain from all the thoughts whirling around in there. She was aware of Mulder's eyes on her, expectant, waiting for her reaction, waiting for her to share his joy. His joy... how could she? Finally she raised her eyes to meet his, and without thinking, blurted out, "Mulder, don't tell me you actually believe him!" Ignoring his hurt expression she continued, "Mulder, *everyone* knows that this is your weak spot - your Achilles heel - if anyone wants to harm you in any way, all they have to do is say Samantha, knowing that you'll just jump... with complete disregard for your own safety!" He abruptly pulled his hand away from Scully's and rested it on the back of the couch. She winced at the movement, but pushed on, "They've done it before, Mulder - they used Samantha before to try and kill you - remember the abortion doctors and Agent Chappell - what makes you think that this isn't just another trick?" He turned on her, his own anger thinly disguised, "How can you say that Scully? Don't you think that I have more sense than that - I *know* that people can use Samantha's disappearance as some sort of bait, to hurt me.... or the X- files, or whatever - I'm not stupid, despite what you think." She pursed her lips in her trademark defence against his anger. She knew that he believed he could judge these things rationally, but she was equally convinced that this was far from the truth. There had been so many occasions in the past six years where his judgement had been blinded by him either associating too closely with cases involving supposed alien abductions, or by his single-minded obsession with his sister's disappearance. They were both quiet for some time. It was Scully who spoke first, deliberately keeping her voice gentle and unaggressive, not wanting to raise his anger again, "Mulder... I just don't want you to fall into the same trap as last time. You almost died that time, and we both know that if you had, it would have been a victory for all those who have tried to discredit you and shut down the X-files... you can't let them get that close again." "Scully, what you don't seem to understand is that I believe this man was genuine - he knew what he was talking about. He had proof." "Proof can be manufactured, Mulder." Seeing his lips tighten together in frustration, she realised that this wasn't getting them anywhere. Maybe it would help if she at least appeared to be interested in what the mysterious stranger had said. "All right, Mulder, why don't you just tell me what he said to you - about Samantha." Mulder looked at her suspiciously, only to be met with a blank, seemingly innocent, expression on the face of his partner. He tried to remember all the details, and then attempted to thread the vagaries into a coherent form. "Well, he said that Samantha was returned after about five years. She didn't remember anything about us... but they had to take her back again because she was having problems, or something... and she's remained there ever since." Realising how the story must sound to his sceptical partner, he spoke the last part quickly, "And he said that if I agreed, he could take me to where she is now - with the understanding that..." He paused, swallowed, and then continued, "I won't be able to return. " He avoided her eyes, as she stared at him, shocked. Her emotions were waging an inner war. She was fighting to remain calm, she knew getting angry would not help, but she couldn't help it - she exploded. "Mulder, *how* could you be so *stupid*!" Her words were harsh, but it was only because she had suddenly felt the sharp, stabbing pain of loss. "Don't you see, they're just laying the groundwork in order to kill you! This way you'll make all your plans for disappearing so no-one will be suspicious - and they'll just kill you... and Cancer man, and Skinner and everyone in the FBI will be happy because they'll have finally gotten rid of "Spooky" Mulder and his damn X- files." She was losing control of her voice; it was high and shrill.... and wavering. Every time she thought about him not being there she could feel her throat tighten, and her mind go blank. This couldn't be happening, not now, not after everything they'd been through, after everything they'd lost. She couldn't imagine her life without Mulder - he was her best friend, her closest ally, the only one who knew what she had been through in the past six years. He couldn't leave... she needed him. Mulder ignored her anger, deciding that it was time to reveal his final secret to her, "Scully, I know they're not going to kill me. I know that this man is who he says he is. He had proof, Scully. He had the only thing I would accept as proof." "What are you talking about, Mulder?" "Scully, there's something I have to tell you - something that *no one* else knows, not my parents, not the Bureau, not even the cops who investigated her disappearance... It was a secret that I kept, knowing that it would be the only way anyone would be able to prove to me that they had been in contact with Samantha." Her curiosity was piqued, "What is it?" "The night that she... disappeared, Samantha and I were playing Stratego," Scully nodded - she knew that, "Anyway, about half an hour or so before.... it happened, she found an old Christmas bon-bon that had rolled under the closet - you know, the ones that you pull at Christmas, with the bad jokes, and the stupid hats. So, we pulled it, and inside there was a little plastic ring; it was too small for my finger, so I let her have it." He paused, then seeing Scully's questioning expression, added, "She was wearing it later - when they took her." "And, you think..." "...That if anyone ever showed up on my doorstep with that ring, then I'd know they'd seen her. Scully, this man - he had the ring." "Mulder! Those rings must be everywhere. He probably picked it up outside your apartment building! Is that your proof?" "Scully, listen to me: I swear, you are the *first* person I have *ever* told about that ring. Until now, only Samantha and I knew about it - there's no way anyone else could have known, or even guessed that she was wearing that ring!" For once, Scully didn't have a reply, except to weakly assert, "And you're sure it was the same ring?" "Absolutely. That thing has been engraved on my memory for twenty-eight years, Scully." He looked at her, his eyes challenging her to come up with another explanation. She returned his gaze with equal defiance - there was no way she was going to give up without a fight. He almost smiled at this. Yet another example of her pig-headed stubbornness. It was a characteristic that he had always admired in her - he had been confronted with it many times before - but this time it pained him; why couldn't she see how important this was to him? Why couldn't she at least pretend to be happy for him? As though reading his thoughts, Scully started to speak, "Mulder, I hope I don't have to assure you that I *know* how much this means to you. I *know* how much you want to know what happened to Samantha and believe me, I know more than anyone how much you want to see her again." Her voice faltered slightly as Melissa's face appeared, unbidden, in her mind, "But I just think that this is a big risk. Someone could have found out about that ring, or Samantha could be dead... or anything." He shook his head slowly: "Scully, don't you understand? I *have* to know. Even if this is a trick - which I don't believe it is - I have to follow it through because if I don't, I'm just going to spend the rest of my life regretting my decision, always wondering what would have happened... I've already spent most of my life asking myself 'what if..?', Scully, and I can't do it again." She swallowed. Deep down, she knew he was right. Knew that if he didn't do this he would punish himself even more than he did already with feelings of guilt and self-loathing. And worse, if she did manage to persuade him to stay, he would only end up hating her - blaming her... and that would be impossible to endure. To have him hate her would be the worst possible punishment in the world. She slowly realised that his mind was made up, there was nothing she could do... although she tried valiantly one more time, "What about your work Mulder? What about the truth, the government conspiracies, alien abductions... everything - how can you give all that up?" "Scully, you know as well as I do that all my work on the X- files was leading up to this moment - to finding Samantha. This is the only truth that I need to know...." Her head was lowered, her face shielded by her hair, which had slid forward, serving as a natural protector against his gaze. "Scully, look at me -" He meant it figuratively, but she lifted her head and fixed her eyes upon him, "I have no family, I've devoted my whole life to searching for the truth, and looking for my sister. I've sacrificed everything else - there's nothing here for me... except you, and all I've done since we've been working together is cause you pain and suffering." "That's not true, Mulder." "Scully, how can you deny that: your sister is dead, you yourself were abducted, you have almost been killed more times than I can count - and it's all because of the X- files... because of me." She felt the familiar voice of protest rising in her, "Mulder, come on, I'm a big girl - I stayed with the X-files because I wanted to; I'm as much to blame as you, if we're going to start laying the blame. I refuse to let you feel guilty for what has happened to me, and I refuse to let you use that as an reason for not staying!" He couldn't repress the small smile which escaped his lips. That familiar Dana Scully rebuttal tone - he'd heard that so often before as she contested yet another of his bizarre theories. Then the smile was suddenly wiped from his face as he was hit with a feeling so powerful, he felt like he'd been dealt a physical blow: he was never going to hear that voice again. Never going to argue with her again, never going to see her smile that small, secretive smile that she sometimes regaled him with... oh God, what had he been thinking? How could he so easily have forgotten the most important person in his now-empty life? The only person who had constantly stood by him, defended him, protected him, argued with him, searched with him, cared for him.... and this was how he was paying her back. Abandoning her with four hours notice. Dumping her, like he had once before, and that time because of his sister, too. Yet while one half of him yearned for the retraction of the hastily-made decision, the other half reminded him of his sister, Samantha, the person he'd been looking for for almost thirty years was now - finally within his grasp. He couldn't let that chance slip by. Not this time, not again. He reached up, and gently caressed her cheek with the back of his curled fingers. "Scully, I'm sorry. I have to do this - you do understand, don't you?" And she did. She nodded silently, fearful that if she spoke the words that should remain unspoken would come tumbling out, along with the tears. the voice in her head asked plaintively. Looking at the man across her, at his tender face, his soft eyes, she could feel her self-control leaving her. His hand, stroking her face, was so gentle, his touch so welcome... she wanted this moment to last forever. She didn't want him to ever leave. And she knew there was one more thing she had to say to him. The thing that she had avoided saying throughout their entire argument. "Mulder... *I* don't want you to leave." Her eyes filled with the tears that she could no longer suppress. His face softened. He hadn't been expecting those words, and they warmed his heart, while piercing it at the same time. "Scully, I don't want to leave you either." His voice was a husky whisper, trembling as his own tears seeped out of his eyes, "But I have to know. It's almost as if I have no say in the matter; the choice has been made. I'm sorry." He wrapped his arms around her, treasuring her touch, committing everything about this moment to memory - the faint smell of her distinctive perfume, the whispery feel of her hair against his chin, her body enclosed in his... He wanted this to be his last memory of her. Scully was reminded of all the other times Mulder had held her in his arms like this; he had always been there for her, ready to comfort and reassure her, even when she had tried to push him away, tried to keep him at a distance in order to hide her feelings of weakness and vulnerability. She now regretted all those times when she had refused his comfort, assured him that she was fine. Who would she turn to now? Who would be there for her, no matter what she said or did? Who would be her anchor, her protector and her friend if Mulder was gone? Eventually they had to pull apart - and they did, reluctantly. Each of they regretting the need to separate, cherishing this moment where time stood still and where nothing else mattered. Mulder slowly, unwillingly, rose to his feet. Scully followed soon after, and they walked in silence together toward the door. Mulder looked at his watch: it was 11:15. They reached the door and stood there silently, neither of them knowing what to say. Was this goodbye? Was Mulder heading off to his death, or was he soon to finally achieve his lifetime goal? Mulder didn't know. Scully didn't know. Scully reached out her hand, towards the doorknob, then had second thoughts, deciding instead to raise it to her partner's cheek, imitating his earlier gesture to her. She lightly stroked his jawline, then lowered her hand so it rested on his chest, "Mulder, I hope you find your sister." It was all she could say. She desperately hoped he would indeed find the woman who had dominated his thoughts and tormented him in his dreams for as long as she had known him. He looked down at her, placing his own hand over hers, over his heart, "Thank you, Scully." As they stood there, their eyes fixed on each other, the words that neither of them could voice were exchanged. His hazel and her blue eyes expressed everything that was left to be said between the two of them. Slowly Mulder turned to go, placing one hand on the doorknob, and unlocking the dead bolt with his other. "Mulder - wait." He turned back to her; her hands were at the back of her neck - she was unfastening her necklace. He looked at her in bemusement as she slowly dropped the gold cross into his palm. "Scully, what are you doing?" "I want you to have it Mulder." She looked at him, her eyes filling with tears once more. He shook his head, "I can't take this, Scully. I know how much it means to you." He tried to give it back to her, but she refused to accept it. "That's why I want you to have it. It's a symbol - a symbol of faith, trust, of our bond." She paused. "You minded it for me once before, Mulder - I want you to return it to me when we next see each other." "Scully... I don't think that's going to happ-" She cut him off, saying, "Mulder, I believe..." she paused, taking a deep breath before continuing, "... that it's within the realms of extreme possibility." She gave him what would have been a wry smile, if it hadn't been so twisted with pain and sorrow. He couldn't speak. He understood the meaning behind her words... Suddenly, before she knew what was happening, Scully felt Mulder's lips pressed softly against hers. By the time she realised what he was doing, it was too late, and they were gone - as was he, slipping quietly and swiftly out her door, leaving her standing there, her fingers resting on her lips, still moist from his... And the tears that would continue for hours started to flow. ~ THE END ~ ----------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome. leigh_xf@geocities.com