Harry Kim surveyed the crowded room. His expressionless black eyes took in the cheesy poofs ground into the olive green shag carpet, the salsa stains on the wall, and the discarded plastic beer cups littering every table. B'Elanna and Seven of Nine chatted up Ayala in the corner. Tuvok, listing heavily, draped one arm over Vorik's shoulder and said in a loud voice "No, really, I love you man." In the center of the room, Janeway and Chakotay were doing the Macarena regardless of the fact that the stereo was playing "Sweet Home Alabama". A truly historic fiesta, thought Harry with a satisfied grin, good thing this house is a rental. He took a healthy swig of beer from his plastic cup and turned to the keg to refill it.
"HARRY!" Roared Tom, flying into the room. He grabbed Harry up in a bone crushing embrace that lifted his feet from the floor. "Dude, come on we're going to do upside-down-beer- bongs with the Delaney sisters! Fill 'er up!"
"Excellent! But isn't B'Elanna going to be pissed?" Harry questioned as Tom shouldered past him to pump the keg.
"Whatever. We had a fight." Tom said a little too loudly. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw B'Elanna grimace. She sidled closer to Ayala and offered to read his palm. Tom's sudden gasp drew Harry's attention back to the keg. Wide eyed with horror, Tom held up a beer bong full of foam and shouted, "Harry! We're out of beer!"
"What!" Janeway had overheard their exchange. She grabbed Chakotay by the elbow and drug him over to the keg. "How can we be out of beer? It's only one a.m."
"Can we send Seven for another keg?" Chakotay questioned. A bowl of uneaten cheesy poofs caught his eye. Distracted, he wandered off in that direction.
"It's too late to get another keg from the tavern," Harry said. "Besides, you know what happened the last time." The entire male population of the tavern had followed her back to the party and spent the rest of the night cheering "Go Seven" as she danced on top of the coffee table to "YMCA".
"I guess the party's over then." Janeway said, crossing her arms and staring up at the ceiling to keep back the tears in her eyes.
God, I hate weepy drunks, thought Harry. He shook his head and said, "I've got an idea. We'll put on our coats and walk down to the Qwik-E-Mart and buy some more beer."
"Mr. Kim," said Tuvok, who had wandered into the conversation still dragging Vorik by the neck. "Need I remind you that the Qwik-E-Mart is the most expensive place to buy beer."
"No, Tuvok." Harry replied, annoyed. "You needn't remind me."
"Good, " Tuvok said. "Bring me back a case of Bud Light."
"And more cheesy poofs!" Chakotay mumbled around a mouthful of snacks.
"Even if you went, Harry," Janeway half-whispered, clutching Tuvok's shoulder for balance. The room was starting to spin. "How would you carry back all that beer by yourself?"
"Well, that's why I'm volunteering my good buddy Tom to come with me!" Harry said brightly, reaching down to pick two coats at random from the pile in the corner. He handed one to Tom who accepted it with a mournful expression.
"What about the Delaney sisters?" Tom complained to Harry as they walked out the door.
Harry shot him an irritable look, "Dude, no beer means no upside-down-beer-bong."
"Oh yeah." Tom sighed.
"Tuvok?" Janeway asked, swaying unsteadily as she watched the two men walk down the street. "Do you think we should tell Tom he's wearing B'Elanna's faux leopard fur jacket?"
"No way!" Tuvok said, exchanging a high-five with the giggling Vorik.
**************
"Tom!" Harry snapped, opening the glass door to the Qwik-E-Mart and gesturing angrily for him to step inside. "Quit whining, the Delaney Sisters are not going to take off with Joe Carrey in the 15 minutes it takes us to get beer!"
"You don't understand, Harry... " Tom began, then he caught sight of himself in one of the overhead security mirrors. He stopped. "Why didn't you tell me I was wearing this jacket?"
Sitting behind the counter, Neelix looked up from his magazine and smirked, "Well, if it isn't Super Fly!" Harry looked away and tried not to laugh.
"Very funny!" Tom snarled. He whirled around and stalked back towards the coolers. "Harry, you get the snacks, I'll grab the beer."
Harry wandered over towards the softly humming soda fountains and heat lamps of the snack section. He briefly contemplated the pretzels and 3-D Dorritos before snagging a jumbo bag of cheesy poofs. As he reached for a second bag, a peculiar smell distracted him. It was a strong chemical scent, yet curiously appetizing. Harry turned to discover a large, flourescent orange pool of pseudo-cheese bubbling gently under the heat lamps. Paper trays of stale nacho chips were piled temptingly just to the right. Maybe just a quick snack to tide me over, he thought hungrily, reaching for the ladle...
In the back of the Qwik-E-Mart, Tom leaned over to survey the beer he had stacked on the floor. "Harry," He called out. "Do you think four cases are enough?" There was no response.
"Harry, I'm going to need some help carrying all this!" When Harry still didn't answer, Tom straightened, and surveyed the Qwik-E-Mart. Then he spied Harry sprawled on the floor in front of the nacho cheese dispenser. Tom started to rush over, thought better of it, and grabbed a beer first.
Tom plopped down on the floor next to the unconscious Harry and twisted the top off his beer. He took a large drink while contemplating Harry's relaxed form. There was a half-eaten tray of cheese covered nacho chips spilled on the floor by one hand and bits of cheese had dripped down his chin and shirt front. Harry was snoring softly. Passing out in the Qwik-E-Mart, Tom thought with a drunken giggle, serves him right for bogarting the nachos. He reached down to slap Harry's cheeks until he awoke with a start.
"Hey!" Harry cried angrily, batting away Tom's still slapping hand. "What are you doing!"
"Wait until I tell Seven you passed out in the nacho cheese dip." Tom laughed, standing to take another big slurp of beer. He helped the woozy Harry to his feet.
"I didn't pass out! The cheese fumes were just so strong... " Harry said, grabbing a rack of Hostess Snacks for support. "Oh look, fruit pies!"
"Good lord what a mess. You're going to have to pay for those nachos!" They turned to find Neelix behind them. He waved a mop and continued angrily, "And I want to see some ID before you drink any more of that beer."
"ID?" Tom said incredulously. "Are you kidding me, don't you see how far my hairline has receded?"
"I don't care!" Neelix said stubbornly. "Unless I see some ID in the next thirty seconds I'm calling the cops."
Tom and Harry exchanged desperate looks.
**********
"Chakotay," Janeway said quietly. "I'm worried. It's been thirty minutes and they're still not back with the beer. People are starting to leave... "
"I know," Chakotay replied. "Those were the last of the cheesy poofs I ate too."
"Perhaps if we played something besides Tori Amos on the stereo," Tuvok said. "People would be having a little more fun."
"That's a stop gap measure at best, Tuvok, but try playing some disco." As Tuvok staggered over to the stereo, Janeway turned to Chakotay. "I want you to go to the Qwik-E-Mart and see what's taking so long."
"Take Seven with you please!" B'Elanna shouted from the corner. Seven was seriously cramping her style with all that "mating rituals are irrelevant" talk. B'Elanna turned to Ayala and wrapped her arms around his neck. "How do you feel about a broken clavicle?" She purred.
At that moment, Harry and Tom burst through the door, their arms full of beer and cheesy poofs. Neelix trailed anxiously behind them. They had talked him out of calling the cops by inviting him to the party. "Oh my!" Neelix said to himself as the people swarmed like locust over the cold beer. Then he spied the Delaney sisters doing "The Hustle" with Joe Carrey. He hurried over to join them, shouting out "Make way for the disco king!"
Tom took one look at B'Elanna hanging all over Ayala and shouted "What the hell is going on here!" He dropped the beer unceremoniously on the floor and started screaming at her. B'Elanna turned her back on Ayala and started yelling back. Ayala gratefully slunk away while Tuvok and Vorik turned up the stereo to drown out the fighting couple.
Seven took one step back from the arguing Tom and B'Elanna and said, "You people are ruining my buzz." She turned to find Harry Kim looking her over, dangling a six pack from one hand like a piece of bait.
"Hey baby, do you want to change the nature of our affiliation?" He said, leering suggestively.
"Excellent." Seven replied, grabbing him by the other hand and dragging him towards the door. "You may show me your etchings now."
Janeway and Chakotay sank down on the floor next to Tom's discarded cases of beer. They each opened up a cold one and surveyed the now rockin' party. Neelix was demonstrating the "Boot Scootin' Boogie" to the giggling Delaney sisters. Tuvok was teaching Vorik to burp the alphabet. Tom and B'Elanna had concluded their Klingon foreplay and were making out in the corner. They could hear Harry shouting "Assimilate me now!" from the back room.
"Chakotay," Janeway said, throwing one arm over his shoulder and offering up her beer bottle for a toast. "We should really have these little get togethers more often!"