Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky?
PInky: Well I think so Brain, but...
--I didn't realise the Dark Perks had the patent on silly string.
--do dark pink and black REALLY go together?
--you mean Nick's really like that??
--if Nick's a brick, does that mean he has to get grouted?
--if you nicknat the caddywhack does that mean we hafta use an "adult" header?
--does the ratpack flavour dinner with rat poison?
--does formaldihyde blend really well with scrunchies?
--can I play with the pink demons?
--what happens if you are what you eat, I mean, isn't Nick slurping himself (I'm not touching that one!!)
--if they rerun the Nightcrawler during the day is he the Daycrawler?
--if Vachon blinks twice in the forest, does he make a sound?
--if you cross an Urs with a Nick do you get NickUrs? (knickers...)
--if a normal vampire has fangs, does that mean a vegitarian vamp has a ruminant stomach?
--if you Nick yourself shaving, do you need a stiptic stake?
--Natalie won't change my cage until I sing "Kiss from a Rose."
--I thought LC liked playing LaCrosse.
--that means I hafta cancel my midnight raid on the "Cats" cast with Screed.
--can vampires read "The Sun Also Rises"?
--do Dark Perks drink Dr. Pepper during "Down Periscope"?
--do they serve fuzzy navels at the Jeweled Peach? (errr...uh...)
--do you think he'd mind me calling him Lucious (Lucius);)?
--do you really think he can tell the difference between Brahma and Hereford?
--the Caddy really doesn't have a wet bar in the trunk, does it?
--if two vamps split the connassieur bill for a Swede, are they still going Dutch?

Shana MorganSlWf@aol.com
"Hey, you! Where's your headless pink bunny?!"

What do you put across a hole to keep rats out?
A window Screed.
*ducking and running away from flying rat corpses* BWAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAA,

Shana MorganSlWf@aol.com
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it."

FK-TV…

Ever think that with the ever expanding possibilities of cable TV there should be a channel dedicated to just our favorite show? Well, to flesh-out the line up a little I thought I'd offer up some suggestions for spin-offs. (Aren't I just so helpful? )

Metro PD: In this gritty urban drama, tough as nails Homicide Captain Amanda Cohen must deal with the pressures of her job as she struggles to conquer her addiction to jazzercise.

Screed's Playhouse: The irrepressible Screed teaches as well as entertains children ages 4-8, in this high-spirited romp through the Toronto sewers.

Dr. Lambert, Medical Examiner: Coming Thursday nights on FK-TV, set against the sweeping back-drop of classic American West, the saga of a lone women coroner fighting to make a life for herself (despite the fact that everyone she deals with is dead.)

Amigos: Javier Vachon leads an exciting ensemble cast including Urs, Screed, Tracy and Jody in this Generation X offering coming to Wednesday nights. When 5 friends decide to share one townhouse, twenty-something angst and romantic entanglements ensue.

Touched by an Inca: The sensitive tale of a man making the lives of all he encounters just a little better.

Lacroix's Angels: An unseen mysterious man directs a trio of beautiful women (Tracy, Natalie, and Jeanette) in a super-secret crime fighting force in a new program coming this fall to FK-TV.

Utterly Ursula: After moving to the Big Apple Ursula gets a job as entertainment editor at an up-and-coming magazine, she has big plans but clashes with new owner…Nick Knight.

Night Beat: The Dynamic Tracy Vetter plays an investigative reporter on the trail of serial killer, who may be the powerful entrepreneur Lucien Lacroix, and who just might be stalking her back.

Green Marshes: Yikes! It's the Odd Couple meets Dracula, when a hilarious case of mistaken identity leaves Jeanette DuCharme and Natalie Lambert co-owners a Louisiana Bayou and a haunted hotel!

Schanke, PI: A laid-back retired cop, takes a dream job working as a gum shoe in sun-drenched Hawaii, with only the meddlesome Joe Reese to keep him from enjoying it!

Cousin Mary, Godmother of the Dark Perk Mafia
ros@juno.com
Dark pink, but still Dark!
"War is h*ll, and Dark Perks are its pink demons"

14 Little Know Facts About Tracy Vetter:

1) She was Captain of her school's Hockey Team.
2) She spent the summer of her Junior year in college as a Nine Inch Nail's Roadie, she was especially close to Trent Reznor.
3) Her car might be sensible, but the dark pink Harley she rides on weekends sure ain't!
4) She teaches a kick-boxing class at the local Y.
5) In high-school Tracy sang lead in a Janis Joplin cover band.
6) You can't see them, but under those sensible beige pant suits, 28 piercings!
7) They never showed the spare bedroom, but Tracy breeds venomous snakes in her apartment as a hobby.
8) She moonlights as a tattoo artist.
9) In some circles she's know as Hell's Vetter.
10) Sometimes, just for the hell of it, Tracy calls up the Nightcrawler show and asks, "What caller am I?"
11) Tracy uses her position as Vachon's girlfriend and Nick's partner to hide her real agenda, Vampire Hunting!
12) No one knows this, but Tracy's really the one who shot Nick in NiQ, "And this is for always making me do the paper work!" (Good thing he doesn't remember it correctly! )
13) In all the time she was seeing Vachon she never let on she was conducting a secret affair with Lucien Lacroix.
14) She once shot a man in Vegas, just to watch him die!

Cousin Mary, Godmother of the Dark Perk Mafia, NA
anteros@juno.com

Top Ten Reasons Tracy and Lacroix Would Make the Perfect Couple:

10) Vetter -does- mean cousin in German.
9) Trace is getting pretty good at dealing with arrogant authoritative men and 'the crap she sometimes has to put up with.'
8) Tracy likes musicians; Lacroix plays the violin.
7) Lacroix tries to get away with anything…Tracy pulls out the duffel bag o' death
6) Better than 'Wine and honey' it's 'Coffee and Chocolate!'
5) Vachon's a slacker, at least Lacroix -has- a job!
4) Tracy already knows how and where to hide a body. (AtA)
3) A stake in the hand is worth two fangs in a neck.
2) Lacroix pulls some manipulative crap, she'd tell him off in a second.

And the number one reason…
1) Boy would it ever piss Nick off!

Cousin Mary, Godmother of the Dark Perk Mafia
anteros@juno.com

Top Ten ways Francesca would've been different if a Dark Perk had directed:

10) Instead of a can of soda, Trace would be downing scotched spiked coffee
9) Tracy would've been the one to kill Frank (Karma dictates she should've anyway)
8) Instead of saying of Gordon, "I dated him once," she'd have told the truth, "I kept him and his fraternity brothers as my personal male-harem for a month or two last summer."
7) For no particular reason, right in the middle of the episode, Tracy would get into a brawl with a gang of hoodlums and kick some serious booty!
6) Two word: Hockey Try-outs
5) At the end of the ep., instead of going to the therapist's couch, Tracy would go to Lacroix's couch...
4) To celebrate another closed case, Tracy would invite Nat and Grace to go with her to Chippendales
3) For no particular reason, right in the middle of the episode, Tracy would stake at least 4 marauding vampires
2) After Vachon's re-strung his guitar, Trace would've grabbed it and gone into a rockin' rendition of 'Oh Canada' Jimi Hendrix style!
and the number one way,
1) Um, er let's just say the church scene with Vachon would've ended a -little- differently

Cousin Mary, Godmother of the Dark Perk Mafia
anteros@juno.com

Lines we never heard from Tracy, but should have...

In Dead of Knight:
Nick: "Something... just doesn't feel natural here."
Tracy: "I know. How *do* you get your hair that poofy anyway?"

Night in Question:
(Tracy, crying in the hospital. Reese walks up.)
"Tracy, will you be OK? I know it's rough when your partner gets shot..."
*snif* It's not that, Cap."
"No?" (puzzled look.) "What's wrong then?"
"They only have... have... DECAF!!!"

Anywhere:
Vachon and Tracy getting "hot and heavy":
"I'm four hundred years older than you."
"That's OK, I can still teach you a thing or two..."

LC and Tracy...
"I'm two thousand years older than you."
"That's OK, I can still teach you a thing or ten..."

LC and Tracy again:
"You seem to be in good spirits tonight. One might even say... perky."
"Perky, no. Horny, yes. C'mere...."

-Eric
emccann@iag.net

"It was a dark and perky night.... A somber filter lay forgotten in the street..."

> in France.
> And after digging through my own French dictionary, what would I come up
> with for "Dark Perkulator"? Well, "perky" gets translated to "pimpant(e)"
> or "eveillé(e)" (accent aigu over the second to last e, for the majority
> who won't get it on their computers). "Percolate" is "filtrer" which seems
> too literal for us to use, and "dark" translates to "obscur(e)" or
> "sombre", neither of which seems right either. Much as I'd like to use

Great. From dark perk to somber fiter.